"Operation Tony" / Tuesday - February 9, 1999

(MUSIC CUE : "SHE'S NOT YOU"
JAKE : SHE'S GOT EVERYTHING AND
 IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES, YOU KNOW
 SHE LOOKS ALMOST PERFECT
 THE LOVE HER WHEREVER SHE GOES
MARK/JAKE : THEY SAY I'M SO LUCKY
    BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE
  CAUSE NOW I KNOW WHAT IT
  FEELS LIKE TO LOSE
JAKE : I HAVE HAD THE REAL THING
 AND GIRL THIS IS ONLY AND ACT
MARK/JAKE : AND I CAN'T DENY THE FACT THAT BABY
ALL : SHE'S NOT YOU
JAKE : BIG BROWN EYES
 LONG BLONDE HAIR
MARK/JAKE : JUST REMINDS ME YOU'RE NOT THERE
ALL : NO SHE'S NOT YOU
JAKE : I HEAR HER VOICE
 CALL MY NAME
MARK/JAKE : I KNOW SHE'LL NEVER BE THE SAME AS YOU...
MARK/JAKE : THEY SAY I'M SO LUCKY
  BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE
  CAUSE NOW I KNOW WHAT IT
        FEELS LIKE TO LOSE
JAKE : I HAVE HAD THE REAL THING
 AND GIRL THIS IS ONLY AN ACT
MARK/JAKE : AND I CAN'T DENY THE FACT THAT BABY
ALL : SHE'S NOT YOU
MARK/JAKE : BIG BROWN EYES
    LONG BLONDE HAIR
  JUST REMINDS ME YOU'RE NOT THERE
ALL : NO SHE'S NOT YOU
MARK/JAKE : I HEAR HER VOICE CALL MY NAME
  I KNOW SHE'LL NEVER BE THE SAME AS YOU...
JAKE : SHE'S NOT YOU)

JAKE : That's it for tonight. Give it up again for Tony Wicks on drums!
TONY : You're too kind. You're too kind. The Duke of Drums thanks you. The Sultan of Sticks
        thanks you. The Baron... of Bang Bang Boom Boom thanks you.
JAKE : Say goodnight, Prince of Pinheads.
TONY : Uh... g-g-g-goodnight.
SLY : And now, the most painful part of the evening : giving away money. Here's your cut.
TIFFANI : Hey, Sly, I'm ten dollars short.
SLY : Hey, you know the band rules. You were late, so you pay a ten dollar fine--unless you
      have a good reason.
TIFFANI : Well, I was candy-striping at the hospital taking care of people who are sick and
           dying.
SLY : Blah, blah, blah. I said a good reason.
JAKE : Pay up, or you'll be sick and dying.
SLY : That's a good reason.
LORENA : Candy-striping? Yech. I can't believe you like hanging out at the hospital with a
           bunch of grumpy, old, boring doctors.
TIFFANI : Dr. Joe? What are you doing here?
DR. JOE : You left this at work.
TIFFANI : Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow.
DR. JOE : You bet.
LORENA : Uh, Tiffani, did I ever tell you about my life-long dream of being a candy-striper?
TIFFANI : No, but I see where this is going. You want me to get you a job so you can hit on
           Dr. Joe.
LORENA : No, I just want to make the world a better place, and cheer up sick people. I don't
           have to touch them, do I?
TONY : Hey, Sly, how about some help?
SLY : Not now, I'm busy.
SLY : I'm done.
SLY : Oooh a nickel!
TONY : Aaaaah!!
SAM : Sly, you idiot! Tony, are you okay?
SLY : He's fine. He just wants my nickel.
TONY : Jake, could you, could you open my locker for me?
JAKE : Give me a break. You're not really hurt. You're always exaggerating.
TONY : I do not exaggerate! I don't exaggerated in a thousand million years!
TONY : Hey, I'm telling the truth, this isn't no joke. My shoulder really hurts.
TIFFANI : Alright, let me examine you. I've seen the doctors do this procedure. It's a bit tricky,
           but I think I remember how.
TONY : Well, uh--
TONY : AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!
TIFFANI : He's not faking. Tony, if this is serious you should see a doctor. If you don't, you
           could end up crippled.
TONY : No, no, no, no. Tony Wicks and doctors just don't mix. It probably just fell asleep. Hello,
        shoulder, rise and shine. But, mamma, please? Just five more minutes. You better get
        up and go to school before I scold you boy.
TONY : AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! Okay! Okay! I'll go!
TIFFANI : Good. I'll get you an appointment.
TONY : I can't help it. My biggest fear is my fear of tongue-mushing-knee-hammering-nostril-
        poking-quacks.
SAM : Don't worry. I'll go with you.
JAKE : You know, I can't believe you, Wimple. You let go of that amp and hurt Tony's arm.
       And for what? A measly nickel.
SLY : Hey, I'm a businessman. If that happened a thousand times, I'd have fifty bucks.
JAKE : Roll you nickels while you've still got em, baboom boy.
SLY : Wait, what are you talking about?
JAKE : Well, since it's your fault Tony's hurt, he could sue you for millions. Hey, Mark, your
       dad's a lawyer, isn't that true?
MARK : Oh, yeah! He gets cases like this all the time. Some poor sucker ends up losing every
        cent he has.
SLY : That's ridiculous. Tony is not going to sue me. He's my friend.
MARK : Would you let a friend stand between you and a million bucks?
SLY : I'm dead. Wait, Tony, you can have the nickel!
LORENA : I can't believe this ourfit! Look at the length of my mini-skirt!
TIFFANI : Lorena, it's not a mini-skirt.
LORENA : I know! That's the problem. I can't impress Dr. Joe if I'm covered up like a nun!
TIFFANI : I'm sure you'll manage. Now, come on. The nurses leave us a list of things for us to
           do.
LORENA : Here he comes!
DR. JOE : I need a hand. Could you send a candy-striper to room six, please?
LORENA : And here I go!
TIFFANI : So, does this mean you're giving up?
LORENA : Ha! Lorena Costa has not yet begun to flirt.
SAM : Here comes the happy patient.
TIFFANI : What did Dr. Hersch say about your shoulder?
SAM : We'll know in a few minutes. He's looking at the X-rays now.
DR. HERSCH : Well, Tony, I took at look at the X-rays and it looks like you tore the cartilage
               in your shoulder joint.
TONY : I don't need a shot, do I?! Please say I don't need a shot! Because I don't want no
        shot. I just don't want a shot!
DR. HERSCH : Relax, you don't need a shot.
TONY : Thank goodness.
DR. HERSCH : You need surgery.
TONY : Surgery! Did you say "surgery?"
TONY : Yeah, that's what I thought you said.
TIFFANI : I don't know, Lorena. I don't think it's right for the hospital.
LORENA : No, but it's perfect for getting Dr. Joe to notice me.
DR. JOE : Excuse me. I couldn't help noticing you...
DR. JOE : Those high heels could cause lower spine compression. Be careful.
JAKE : Hey, how's my favorite do-gooder?
TIFFANI : Doing good.
JAKE : Good.
SLY : Hey, do you guys know where they're keeping Antoine? I want to make sure he's as
      comfortable as possible -- and get him to sign this form promising not to sue me.
TIFFANI : Tony's room is right over here. Come on, Lorena... I'm sure his pillow needs fluffing.
JAKE : I don't know if you should go in there, Sly. Seeing you might get Tony angry enough to
       sue.
SLY : Good point. You get him to sign this.
MARK : If I were you, I'd try being nice to Tony. Maybe he'll forgive you.
SLY : I'm always nice.
NICK : Anybody know where Mrs. Shahabudad's room is?
SLY : Yes, I am her son, Punjab. I will take them to her.
MARK : Oh, no, he's dead!
TIFFANI : No he's not. He's just practicing being dead.
LORENA : And he's making Sam practice mourning.
TONY : Is that the best you can do?
SAM : Well, you're not really dead.
TONY : Well, tomorrow I might be. And I hope you'll be a little sadder than that.
SAM : Okay, fine.
SAM : Waaaaaa! Waaaaaa!
TONY : Louder! I want to hear your tears from the pearly gates!
JAKE : Tony! Cut it out, man! You're being ridiculous.
TONY : Yeah, I guess it is kind of silly to practice being dead. I haven't even finished my will
        yet.
TONY : Now...
SLY : My friend, please, use my back.
TONY : Forget it, Sly. I'm still leaving my Thighmaster to Sam.
SLY : Antoine, yo wound me. Being your friend is enough reward for me. Here, I brought you
      flowers.
TONY : Oh, man. Oh, man! Sly's being nice to me. I AM GOING TO DIE!
TIFFANI : Okay, everybody out. We're just getting him more upset. He needs to be resting for
           his surgery in the morning.
TIFFANI : Goodnight, Tony. Sleep well.
TONY : Hey, Tiff, you know you're very level-headed in these stressful situations.
TIFFANI : Thanks, Tony.
TONY : Would you arrange my funeral?
TIFFANI : Arrrrggh! Get some rest!
TONY : ...funeral arrangements...
TONY : Hey, what's the deal? Oh, looks like a funeral.
TIFFANI : Beloved surfers, we are hanging out here to say "Later, dude" to a most bodacious
           bud...
TONY : Oh, man it is a funeral. I wonder who the poor dead stiff is.
TIFFANI : ...Tony Wicks.
TONY : What?! I'm dead? Me, that can't be! If I was dead, people couldn't see me of people
        couldn't hear me or people wouldn't know I was doing this... Oh, man... I am dead.
TIFFANI : He rode his wave through the riptides of life--only to wipe out far too early.
TIFFANI : Would anyone like to speak?
SAM : I can't believe he's gone.
TONY : That's it?! That's all you're gonna cry?! We worked on your morning all mourning!
TIFFANI : And now let us say goodbye to our friend as we return him to the sea.
TIFFANI : I put lots of rocks in his pockets. He should go down fast.
MARK : And we're lucky. There's a ton of sharks out there today.
TONY : Feed me to the sharks?! No!
SLY : Let me carry him. I owe him at least that.
JAKE : Careful, Sly. Don't stop to pick up any nickels again.
SLY : Give me a little credit. I wouldn't do that to Tony for a lousy five cents--Oooh! A
      quarter!
TONY : Nooooo!
TONY : Ow! Oh, man. I'm going to end up shark bait!
LORENA : Ohhh!
LORENA : I said, OHHH!!
DR. JOE : Are you alright?
LORENA : I've got acute appendicitis! A really cute appendicitis!
DR. JOE : You know, you're lucky this happened here. I'll get you a surgeon.
LORENA : Wait, what about you?
DR. JOE : Me? I'm a foot doctor.
LORENA : No! Wait! It's my toe!
TIFFANI : Lorena, enough of this already. If you want Dr. Joe to notice you, do a little work.
           That's what he appreciates.
LORENA : Fine! Starting right now I'm "Lorena Marina Costa: Candy-Striping animal!"
TIFFANI : Great, now go check on Tony. He hasn't had his pillow fluffed for hours.
LORENA : Check. One fluff coming up.
LORENA : If he's not in his room should I still fluff?
TIFFANI : What? He has to be there. He has surgery in the morning.
MARK : I can't believe Tony ran away from the hospital.
SAM : Are we sure we looked everywhere?
TIFFANI : Everywhere. He didn't go home, he didn't go to Sharkey's, he didn't go to school...
SLY : I even called every lawyer in town.
LORENA : Why lawyers?
SLY : I was worried that he'd suddenly decided to sue me. But I'm in luck, it looks like he's
      gone for good.
JAKE : Well, since he's gone, I guess we should divvy up his stuff.
JAKE : It's just that if he's gong, we should get what he gave us in his will.
TIFFANI : Yes! I always wanted his drum set.
MARK : And I always wanted his funky clothes.
SAM : And I always wanted a new boyfriend. Come to Mama Woo, Monkey Boy!
TONY : Over my dead body!
JAKE : Tony? Is that you?
TONY : No. It's, uh... uh... the ghost of Christmas past!
SAM : You're caugh, Tony. Come on down.
TIFFANI : We were so worried about you. Why'd you run away?
TONY : I realized I forgot to feed my hamster, Malcolm. See, he gets real angry when I forget
        to feed him.
TIFFANI : Come on, Tony, everybody gets scared sometimes.
SAM : Yeah, before I came to America I was really scared, but I came anyway.
TONY : You were scared? As I recall, we couldn't get you to shut up for weeks.
SAM : I just talked a lot to hide how nervous I was. But now that I'm comfortable here, I don't
      do it anymore.
SAM : Uncle Tse Tse called me "his little chatterbox." I was always nervous around him. Of
      course that could have had something to do with his practicing his acupuncture on me.
      Uncle Tse Tse was legally blind, you know, and he always used to feed the monkey--
LORENA : Sam!.
MARK : No, listen to me, Tony. Being scared is going five years without playing piano in public
        because you're afraid of embarrassing yourself...but you saw me. I overcame that.
TONY : Yeah, but you're still afraid of the dark.
MARK : One thing at a time.
JAKE : Tony, the most important thing you can do is face your fear. Man, you remember when I
       wrecked my bike? I mean the hardest thing in the world for me to do was get back on
       and ride again.
TONY : Look, look, look, I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but what happened to you
        guys and me being cut open isn't the same. So, thanks, but no thanks.
SLY : Tony, don't be an idiot! You have to have that aurgery.
TONY : Hey, watch who you're calling an idiot, cause I could sue you!
SLY : I know, and I don't care. I'd rather be sued by you and lose all my money than have my
      best friend crippled for the rest of his life. Come on man, let's go back to the hospital.
TONY : Okay, I'll go.
JAKE : Wait a minute, since when do you let Sly tell you what to do?
TONY : Since Sly risked losing all his money. Now that's facing your fear.
LORENA : I talked to the nurse--
SLY : Ew.
LORENA : We should know how Tony's operation went any minute.
LORENA : Well, I've smiled at, and been nice to, every sickie I could find. I've been selfless
          and giving and kind and that jerk better appreciate it!
DR. JOE : It looks like you've had a busy day.
LORENA : Well, I was just doing my job.
DR. JOE : I'm Dr. Joe. What's your name?
LORENA : Lorena. Would you like to have dinner with me?
DR. JOE : Well, you are quite beautiful...
LORENA : Yes!
DR. JOE : And I am on my way to dinner...
LORENA : Yes!
DR. JOE : But, I never date anyone I work with.
LORENA : No.
TIFFANI : Tough break, Lorena. Looks like you're gonna have to buckle down and do the job
           you came here to do.
LORENA : What I came here to do was to get Dr. Joe. I quit! Did you hear? Dr. Joe! I quit...
           and I've got bunions, too!
DR. HERSCH : You can see Tony now.
SLY : Is he okay?
DR. HERSCH : He'll be fine. He just needs a little time to recover.
JAKE : Sorry about my friend.
DR. HERSCH : So am I.
SAM : Tony, you're okay!
TONY : And getting better all the time.
TIFFANI : We're so glad.
TONY : Man, this shoulder can't wait to get back to drumming.
TONY : And it really can't wait to wrap itself around my sweetie.
TIFFANI : Well, we're just glad to see you were finally able to go through with the surgery.TONY : Yeah, but you know that I never would have gotten through it without you guys. So,
        thanks.

-THE END-