"Old" / Wednesday - February 10, 1999

TIFFANI : Hey, guys, these are the "Senior Surfers." They go around the world looking for the
           gnarliest places to surf. Meet Honolulu Hank, Waikiki Wally, Steampipe Steve,
           Australia Albert, Zuma Zelda, and Malibu Mabel.
LORENA : Hi. Uh, no offense, but isn't it a little dangerous to surf when you're old?
MARK : Don't know. We'll tell you when we're old.
SLY : Alright, these guys are so old they knew the Flintstones personally.
MARK : Sly, don't be so rude. You're going to hurt their fellings.
SLY : Ah, don't sweat it. They probably... can't even hear me.
HANK : Oh, sorry, sonny. I guess I can't see any better than I can hear.
SLY : Hey-go. Hey, I heard there was some lifeguard action at Whitecap Cove, yesterday. What
      happened, Waikiki Wally wiped out? Cowabung-aaaaaaah, my back!
TIFFANI : Actually, it was me. I couldn't keep up with them.
SLY : Get out of here.
JAKE : It makes sense. You know, they've been around longer. They've got more experience.
SLY : Get real. The only experience those old fogies have is counting their wrinkles and
      watching Matlock.
LORENA : Sly, you really shouldn't be so disrespectful of old people.
SLY : Hey, I'm not disrespectful. I just think they're useless.
JAKE : What's your quirk, Wimple? I mean, what do you have against old people?
SLY : My grandfather used to live with us. Trust me, they're useless.
MARK : You're just upset because he got your room.
SLY : And my bed still smells like Ben Gay.
SAM : You know, in China we respect the elderly. We value their experience as wisdom. Before
       I decided to come here, I went to my grandparents for advice.
LORENA : Well, in my culture we respect the elderly, too. We don't stick them in old folks
           homes. We have them live with us so we can love and take care of them, like they
           loved and took care of us.
SLY : Oh, if they really loved us, they wouldn't bug us to take care of them. They'd accept that
      their time is over and get out of the way.
TONY : I know it's stone -- and yet it grows hair.
TIFFANI : Hey, I've got an idea. The Senior Surfers are having a party at Sharkey's tonight.
           Maybe we can play for them. You know, as sort of a tribute.
SAM : Yeah, that's a great idea.
SLY : Oh, please, right. Like that'd be great for your image. I can just see it now : "The
      California Dreams play Edna Feldstein's sweet seventy party." "Don't blow out the candles
      too hard, Edna, you don't want your teeth to fly across the room."
MARK : I think it's a great idea. I mean, I hope people treat me with respect when I'm old.
TONY : That's what I'm saying.
SLY : Forget it. You're not playing this gig. As your manager, I forbid it.
SLY : Okay, fine, you can play this one... but no encores.
HANK : Hey, I'd like you to meet my date. This is Rose, she's sixty-five. I love younger
        women.
SLY : Ooh, gee, robbing the cradle, huh?
TONY : And the Lord looked down and saw what he had done. And he saw that he had created
        Sly. And it was bad.
GANG : Amen.
HANK : Think nothing of it. One day Sly will be old. Right now he's just young and foolish.
LORENA : Ah, that's just because you don't know Sly. He's also greedy and sleazy.
SLY : This is stupid. Why don't you old fogies just act your age? You're making fools of
      yourselves with this surfing and dancing stuff. Hey, look at me, I'm going mountain
      climbing. Whoo-hoo! Mt. Everest is mine!!
SLY : Yes, I'm young. I'm healthy. I'm never going to get old!
SLY : I'm strong. I can do anything! Anything! Whoo! Maybe I'll take a nap. I can't believe
      those ole fossils.
SLY : Ooch, I should have stretched out before I jogged. Ah! What the...? Ohhh, I get it. Ha, ha,
      ha. You made me up like Grandpa Simpson to teach me a lesson. Very funny. Come on
      out, guys. Guys? Guys? Huh? It won't come off.
SLY : This stuff really won't come off. It's not funny anymore! Hmm, maybe they're hiding in
      Lorena's room.
SLY : Ooh, my back! This is crazy. I really am old!
SLY : AIN'T SHE SWEET
      SEE HER WALKING DOWN THE STREET...
TONY : Man, what a great gig. Hey, Sly.
SAM : Hi, Sly.
MARK : Hey, Cuz.
JAKE : Sly.
TIFFANI : Hi ya, Sly.
LORENA : Hola, Sly.
SLY : ...AIN'T SHE NICE LOOK HER OVER ONCE OR TWICE...
GANG : SLY?!
SLY : Evenin, kiddies.
JAKE : Uh, what are you doing?
SLY : Shhh... I'm having a really bad dream that I'm old. But I'll wake up soon and it'll all be
      over.
TONY : You're not dreaming, man. You're awake.
SLY : Oh. Well, then, in that case... I'm insane. NOW I ASK YOU VERY CONFIDENTIALLY--
TONY : Get in here.
SLY : What?
TONY : Come on, get up. Come on...
SAM : What'd you do to your face?
SLY : Nothing. I took a nap and when I woke up I was my grandfather.
TONY : Well, I suppose it's better than waking up as your grandmother.
MARK : Is this just some other way to make fun of old people?
JAKE : Wait a minute. I mean, you expect us to believe that you're really old?
SLY : Okay, go ahead, touch Winkle's wrinkles.
LORENA : Hey, that's not make-up. What'd you do to yourself?
SLY : I told you, I took a nap. And it's weird, I really feel old, too.
TONY : Yo, this is straight out of the "Twilight Zone." I mean, if you're not kidding, we've got
        to figure out a way to change you back.
TIFFANI : Hey, Sly, maybe this is some kind of an allergy.
SLY : An allergy? An allergy?! What are you saying, I breathed in some mutant pollen and
      sneezed myself fifty years into the guture?!
TIFFANI : Well, no... it could be cat hair.
JAKE : Well, whatever it is, we need to get you to a doctor.
SLY : Yeah.
JAKE : Cause--
SLY : I guess. Cat hair. Feh.
DR. DAVIES : Uh, does Mr. Winkle have any relatives here?
MARK : Yes, me. I'm his... grandson.
DR. DAVIES : Now, according to the tests...
SLY : Yo! Doctor lady, unless I missed something, I'm old, not dead. So I'd appreciate your
      talking to me.
DR. DAVIES : I'm sorry, you're right. Mr. Winkle, according to these tests--
SLY : I don't want to know. Tell him.
DR. DAVIES : According to the tests, your grandfather is an average... seventy-five-year-old
              man.
SLY : What?! I am not seventy-five! I'm seventeen! Those tests are wrong! Here, take more
      blood!
TONY : I'm outta here.
SLY : I am not old! It's a mistake! Here, look: could a seventy-five-year old man do this?
      Huh? I'm not old. I'm telling you. I'm... I'm... I'm going to die if I don't stop dancing.
SLY : Hey, stop it! Stop it! You're old! What do you have to laugh about?
WALLY : Well, it's Steve. He just told the most funny joke. You see, it's about these two
          teenagers--
SLY : Not that! I mean, you're old. What's there to be happy about? Name one thing!
ZELDA : You mean besides the Senior Citizen discount?
SLY : Yes, I mean besides the s--huh?
STEVE : You know, when you turn sixty-five you get discounts at restaurants.
SLY : Okay, that's one. But what else?
ALBERT : Well, isn't it enough that you spent your whole life working and stressing, and now
           you get a chance to relax, and do what you want.
SLY : But we're worthless.
HANK : Worthless? No way. If, if we were worthless, how could a bunch of over-the-hill
        executives help Lee Iacocca save Chrysler?
HANK : If we were worthless, how, how could I make my grandson feel better about being
        dumped by his girl, because I know, eventually the pain will go away?
HANK : And if we were worthless, how could we go on trips to Las Vegas and clean up on the
        slots?
SLY : Experience?!!
HANK : No, luck! What's wrong with you?
SLY : You know, I never looked at old age like this.
SLY : Hey, uh, does that Senior Citizen discount get us into movies, too?
SLY : Cowabunga, kiddies! Me and Hank just booked you guys a gig at the Bingo Hall. There's
      an entire untapped market of Social Security checks out there.
JAKE : Uh, listen, Sly, uh, we need to talk to you about the Dreams.
SLY : Oh.
JAKE : We're getting a new manager.
SLY : Huh?
MARK : You said it yourself, if people find out we have an old man for our manager, it could
        hurt our image.
SLY : I said that? Boy, I was a dumb kid.
SAM : Yeah, remember? Instead of playing Sweet Sixteen parties, we'll be playing Sweet
      Seventy parties?
TONY : Yeah, I mean, you know, I can see it now: "Boogie down, Edna! Hey, I love it when
        your arm flab jiggles!"
TONY : Blong, blong, blong.
SLY : Okay, forget the Bingo Hall. Oh! My buddy Hank's shuffleboard team just won a
      championship. We can play the victory party.
JAKE : Ooh, prune juice all around.
MARK : Sorry, Sly, we've already decided. You're just too old.
SLY : Oh, then what am I going to do?
LORENA : Oh, don't worry. We've arranged for you to move into a lovely nursing home. There's
           plenty of people your own age there.
SLY : What? No. I don't want to go live with a bunch of strangers.
TIFFANI : Hey, like you said, "Your time is over so get out of the way."
JAKE : Yeah, and like you said, "If you loved us, you wouldn't bug us to take care of you."
SLY : Oh, "Like I said" "Like I said..." I say stuff all the time. Don't start listening to me now.
TONY : Well, you drive too slow.
JAKE : And you smell like Ben-Gay.
MARK : It's survival of the fittest.
SAM : Act your age.
TIFFANI : You're a useless fossil.
LORENA : Go find your teeth.
SLY : No, please let me stay! I won't be any trouble, honest.
TONY : You drive too slow!
SLY : No! I don't want to go! Don't make me! I won't go! Don't...
SLY : ...I don't want to go! I want to stay! No! I don't want to go... Where'd everybody go? Wait
      a minute. Yes! It was a dream! I'm still young. I'm still young. No liver spots, yeah!
      Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Alright! Alright! Okay, there's still time to get to Sharkey's for the gig.
SLY : BA--bummer. Hey, it's still early. Where'd everybody go?
TIFFANI : What do you care? Are you bummed you didn't get back in time to tell more old
           jokes?
SLY : No, I just came--
TIFFANI : Or maybe you wanted to spike the punchbowl with Milk of Magnesia, or tell
           everyone that Matlock was canceled, or make sure that there's--
JAKE : Hey, hon, stop, stop, stop. It's okay.
TIFFANI : No. I am sick of hearing Sly bust on old people. And I am not going to calm down
           until he stops.
SLY : Tiffani, you're right. I was out of line. I want to apologize.
LORENA : Boy, you're good.
SLY : Hey, where is everybody? Where's Hank?
TONY : Uh... well, uh, he's in the hospital. He had a heart attack.
SLY : Oh, man. I gotta go see if he's alright!
SLY : Hey, can I come in?
HANK : Great. You sent him to finish me off? Look, Sly, I'm feeling a little tired now. So if
        you came to slam old people--
SLY : No, sir. I came to apologize. I'm really ashamed of how I acted, and I hope you can
      forgive me.
HANK : What for? I'm seventy years old and I just had a heart attack. Maybe it's time I acted
        my age.
SLY : Hank, I was wrong. And I'd like to explain myself... if that's okay.
HANK : Even if I said, "no" what could I do? Walk away?
SLY : After my nanna died, my grandpa moved in with us. I was happy at first, because he
     promised we'd have a lot of fun. But we didn't. He was retired and felt worthless because
     my dad supported him. And no matter how much I tried to get him to do stuff, he just sat
     around complaining he was useless. He just gave up, you know?
HANK : Yeah. I know.
SLY : It made me so angry. And so... sad. I mean, this was my grandpa. Why'd he have to give  
     up, huh? Okay, he wasn't really young when he moved in, but he wasn't really old until he
     gave up. And then he...died.
SLY : You're the coolest old guy I ever met, Hank. Please don't give up.
HANK : It's not so easy, Sly. It's not very much fun to live in a society that treats you like
        you're in the way and useless.
SLY : But you're not useless. People just don't realize that.
HANK : Well, I'd like to show them. But I just don't have the energy anymore.
SLY : Well, I have enough energy for the both of us.
DOCTOR : Listen, I've run some tests on your grandfather, and it looks--
SLY : Excuse me. I believe he's your patient. Tell him.
DOCTOR : You're a very lucky man. It looks like this was just a mild heart attack. We should
           discuss your diet, and see if we can't do something to lower your cholesterol level...
SLY : Alright, before we start, I'd like to thank the Senior Surfers for teaching me that being
      young has nothing to do with how old you are.
SLY : Oh, Hank, even though the doctor says it's cool for you to dance slow songs, go easy on
      the smooching with Rose.
JAKE : One, two, three, four...

(MUSIC CUE : "NEVER GIVE UP"
JAKE : WELL IT'S COLD AND GRAY
 A LONG DECEMBER DAY
 AND WE ALL GET TIRED OF TRYING
 TO FIND OUR WAY
 BUT DON'T FORGET THE SUN
 REMEMBERS EVERYONE
 AND NEVER GETS TIRED OF SHINING
 YEAH COME WHAT MAY
MARK/JAKE : YOUR DREAM IS A TREASURE
  AND IT BELONGS TO YOU
JAKE : FOLLOW IT UNTIL IT COMES TRUE
MARK/JAKE : AND DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP
  NEVER GIVE UP
JAKE : KEEP ON BELIEVING
MARK/JAKE : NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO
  DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP
  NEVER GIVE UP
JAKE : CAUSE NO MATTER WHAT
MARK/JAKE : I'LL NEVER GIVE UP ON
  YOU HAVE A GIFT
JAKE : ONLY YOU CAN FIND
MARK/JAKE : SHOW THE WORLD YOUR COLORS
JAKE : THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE THEM SHINE
MARK/JAKE : YEA
MARK/JAKE : DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP
  NEVER GIVE UP
JAKE : KEEP ON BELIEVING
MARK/JAKE : NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO
  DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP
  NEVER GIVE UP
JAKE : CAUSE NO MATTER WHAT
MARK/JAKE : I'LL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU
MARK : NO, I'LL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU
JAKE/MARK : OH, I'LL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU)

-THE END-