"Secret Admirer" / Thursday - February 11, 1999

SLY : Hey, cuz, so, uh, how's that love poem to Molly coming?
MARK : I'm done. It took me two hours, but I think it's finally perfect.
SLY : So, what are you waiting for? Print it out.
MARK : AHH!!! YOU ERASED IT!!!!!
SLY : Big deal. Write another one.
SLY : Whoa, hide the donuts.
LYNN : Hi, Molly, here's an invitation to my Sweet Sixteen party. I hope you can come.
MOLLY : Definitely. Hey, are you going to have a band?
LYNN : Yeah, my dad said that I could spend two-thousand dollars to find someone great.
SLY : Two-thousand dollars?
TIFFANI : Forget it, Sly. Lynn's not going to hire the Dreams.
SLY : Why not?
TIFFANI : Well, because ever since the first grade you've done nothing but make fun of her
           weight.
SLY : That's not true. I made fun of her buck teeth, too. Besides, she used to sit on me and
      call me ferret boy.
JAKE : Forget it, Winkle. We'd love to play that gig, but Lynn hates you. There's no way she's
       going to hire us.
SLY : That's what you think. I'll get us that gig -- no matter what I have to do.
MARK : Hey, cuz, check out my new love poem to Molly. I feel like a new man. I'm... Super-
        Winkle.
SLY : You didn't sign it.
MARK : I'm also super chicken. Will you give it to her for me?
SLY : Mark, you're a great poet. No girl could resist beautiful words like this.
SLY : Even if she... hated you... I'll give it to her.
MARK : Thanks, cuz.
SLY : Alright...
LYNN : Wow! A secret admirer.
LYNN : No way it's him.
SLY : "Poetry may seem a step too drastic..."
LYNN : "...But in a world where love can feel so plastic..."
SLY/LYNN : "...I have found you and you're fantastic."
LYNN : You're my secret admirer?
SLY : Well, since the cat's out of the bag. Meow.
LYNN : No way! I can't believe it. A love poem from the guy who called me "Jurassic Pork."
SLY : Uh, I've changed since then and, uh, I can see what an amazing person you are. Just give
      me one chance : I'll prove to you that I'm sincere.
LYNN : Let me think about it. Mmmm... Drop dead.
LORENA : Now I've seen everything. You're in love with Lynn Gleason?
SLY : Get real. You guys want to play her party, right?
SAM : Of course we do.
SLY : Okay. Well, loneliness is Lynn's weak spot. Well, that and Honey Baked Ham.
SLY : Um, I'm serious, she'd do anything to avoid being dateless at her own party -- even if it
      means dating me.
TIFFANI : I can't believe you, Sly. You don't use somebody just to get what you want.
SLY : Geez, Tiff. Why else do you use somebody?
MARK : Well, Sly, since you lost my last poem, I wrote Molly another one.
SLY : Great, I'll deliver it for you.
MARK : No way. I'll deliver this one myself -- me. Mark Winkle.
MARK : Hey, Dutch, could you deliver this poem for me?
DUTCH : Okay, Winkle. I'll deliver your poem, but it's going to cost you, big.
MARK : I've only got a nickel.
DUTCH : Sold.
MARK : To that beautiful girl over there.
MARK : She's going to like it. She's really going to like it. She's going to hate it.
DUTCH : Here, this is for you.
LORENA : "Your One True Love?" Wow, a secret admirer? Who gave you this?
DUTCH : Now if I told you it wouldn't be a secret, would it? Mark Winkle.
LORENA : Oh, no. Mark thinks he's my one true love?!
SLY : Ahem...
SYNN : Don't you ever give up?
SLY : I can't. I was born to serve you. And today's special is... Fresh Winkle.
LYNN : Stop it, Sly. You're embarrassing me.
SLY : Hear me now world! I want to go out with Lynn Gleason!
LYNN : Sly. Please. Stop.
SLY : Not until you go out with me.
LYNNIE, I LIKE YOU
LYNNIE, I NEED YOU
LYNNIE, I WANT YOU
PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME
LYNN : Okay, okay, you win, I'll go out with you.
SLY : When?
LYNN : Next week.
SLY : LYNNIE, I LIKE YOU--
LYNN : Hey!
SLY : LYNNIE, I NEED YOU--
LYNN : Hey!
SLY : LYNNIE, I WANT YOU NOW--
LYNN : Okay! Tonight! Tonight, alright?
SLY : ALRIGHT!
LYNN : Wow. Dinner, a movie, and dancing. I can't believe you're the same guy who every time
        he saw me in swim class would yell "Thar she blows!"
SLY : I told you, Lynn, I changed. I like you.
LYNN : Well, I'm almost convinced.
SLY : Almost? What else can I do?
LYNN : Now I'm convinced.
MARK : Boy, what some guys won't do.
LORENA : Well, I'm surprised he didn't write his one true love.
LORENA : I can't really talk right now because a certain person might hear us.
LORENA : Take this. Then, later, tell me what you think.
JAKE : Oh, man. Lorena's still got the hots for me... Well, she's only human.
TIFFANI : Hey, babe, what are you reading?
JAKE : Uh, uh, it's one of those, uh, 3-D computer pictures. See--?
TIFFANI : Well, I didn't see anything.
JAKE : Yeah, most people don't the first time. Uh, break's over. Let's play.
SLY : Oh, they're starting up again. You're going to love the Dreams. They're really phat... Uh, I
      mean "phat" with a p-h. You know, it means like --
LYNN : I get it. I get it.

(MUSIC CUE : "IF YOU DO SOMETHING"
JAKE : YOU'RE ALIVE
 YOU GOTTA MOVE
TONY : YOU GOTTA DO WHATCHA
  GOTTA DO
  OH YEAH
TIFFANI : YOU GOTTA TRY
TONY : YOU GOTTA CHOOSE
TIFFANI : YOU GOTTA USE WHAT
     YOU'VE GOT TO USE
TONY : BEFORE YOU LOOSE IT
TIFFANI/SAM : AND DON'T BELIEVE
    THAT YOU HAVE NO EFFECT
JAKE : YOU ARE A PERSON TO BE
MARK/JAKE : RECKONED WITH
ALL : IF YOU DO SOMETHING
TONY : NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE
TIFFANI/SAM : YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE YOUR MARK
JAKE/MARK : SO USE YOUR MIND AND YOUR HEART
ALL : JUST DO SOMETHING
TONY : MAKE A STAND
ALL : CHANGE IS IN YOUR HANDS
DO SOMETHING
TONY : YOU'RE ALIVE YOU GOTTA MOVE
ALL : JUST SOMETHING
JAKE : YOU GOTTA TRY
 YOU GOTTA CHOOSE
ALL : DO SOMETHING
TONY : THIS IS IT
  THIS IS THE TIME
JAKE : CAUSE DOIN NOTHING IS A CRIME
ALL : JUST DO SOMETHING
TONY : MAKE A STAND
ALL : YOU DO SOMETHING
TONY : NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE
TIFFANI/SAM : YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE YOUR MARK
JAKE/MARK : SO USE YOUR MIND AND YOUR HEART
ALL : JUST DO SOMETHING
TONY : MAKE A STAND
ALL : CHANGE IS IN YOUR HANDS)

LYNN : Wow, they are good.
SLY : I told ya. Yeah, that's why they play a lot of sweet sixteen parties.
LYNN : Hey! I'm having a sweet sixteen party.
SLY : You are?
LYNN : And I'm looking for a band.
SLY : You are?!
LYNN : I'm willing to pay up to two-thousand dollars.
SLY : I know! Uh, I mean, you are?
LYNN : Hey, I've got an idea. How about the Dreams play at my party?
SLY : Ah, geez, I don't know, we're awful busy.
LYNN : It's next Saturday.
SLY : We'll do it.
LYNN : Hey, where're you going?
SLY : I'm tired. I want to sit down and relax.
LYNN : Oh, no, the night's young. And we're just getting started...
MS. BRYDON : Alright, everyone, take your seats.
TIFFANI : Brr... I'm a little chilly.
JAKE : Oh, here, Tiff. Take my jacket.
TIFFANI : Oh, thanks. Jake? Is this for me?
JAKE : Yeah.
TIFFANI : Oh, it's really beautiful. So much sweeter than your normal stuff...
TIFFANI : Lorena, look what Jake--
JAKE : No!
MS. BRYDON : Jake, you know better. There's no passing notes in class.
MS. BRYDON : Now, you guys really brought your grades up on last week's test. I'm specially
                impressed with you, Tony Wicks. Looking good, Antoine.
TONY : Hey, heh-heh-heh...
SAM : Hey, hon. Let me see your test. What'd you get?
SAM : Oh, that little hussy!
MARK : Uh, Lorena, I need to talk to you. See, I gave this love poem to this certain special
        girl, and she...
LORENA : Look, a girl needs time to think about stuff like this. Don't rush me.
LORENA : Jake. Did you read that poem I gave you?
JAKE : Uh, yeah, I read it.
LORENA : So? What do you think?
JAKE : Look, a guy needs time to think about stuff like this. So, don't rush me.
SLY : Man, I'm beat. Keeping Lynn happy is taking more than I expected. She acts like she's
      never had a boyfriend before.
LORENA : Well, has she?
SLY : How the heck should I know? I never listen when she talks.
TIFFANI : Well, you'd better start listening, Sly. And you'd better start paying attention and
           notice how fast Lynn's growing attached.
SAM : Yeah, for some weird reason she really likes you, and the more you lead her on, the
       more she's going to get hurt.
SLY : Oh, chill out. Once her party's over, I'm outta there, way before she's too attached. No
      one's going to get hurt.
LYNN : Sly, there you are.
SLY : Oh... oh!
LYNN : Look what I got us! Now, you wear this one and I wear this one. And then everyone    
        will know we're a couple.
SLY : Wow, what's next? His n' Hers underwear?
LYNN : Yep. They'll be here in four to six weeks.
LYNN : Oh, Sly, you're the best thing to ever happen to me. I hate to think what I'd do if we
        ever broke up.
TONY : Forget it, I'm not dropping the class just because Ms. Brydon wrote me a love poem.
JAKE : What are you talking about?
TONY : Well, hey, you heard her yourselves, and I quote, "Looking good, Antoine."
MARK : Mrs. Brydon didn't write this. I did.
SAM : You mean, you have a crush on Tony?
TONY : Eww!
MARK : No. I wrote this for Molly.
LORENA : I thought you wrote this for me.
MARK : What? No! I wrote it for Molly.
JAKE : I thought Lorena wrote this for me.
TIFFANI/LORENA : WHAT?!
MARK : No, I wrote it for Molly.
TIFFANI : I thought you said you wrote this for me.
MARK : NO! I WROTE IT FOR MOLLY! MOLLY! MOLLY! MOLLY!
SAM : Who's Molly?
TONY : I don't know, but I sure feel kind of stupid.
LORENA : Me, too.
JAKE : Actually, it's kinda funny if you think about it...
JAKE : No, it isn't.
TIFFANI : You lied to me, Jake. You owe me a love poem! And it better be sappy!!
JAKE : Yes, dear.
SLY : Oh, man, I'm so upset!
SAM : What's the matter?
SLY : Last night Lynn invited me over to meet her family. It's amazing. They're all fat--even
      their dog. Blubbo.
TONY : Sly, we'd rather not hear you start dissin Lynn again, alright?
SLY : Ah, you don't understand. She was so happy to finally have a boyfriend, they treated me
      like a king. They laughed at my jokes. They fed me...and fed me... and fed me.
TIFFANI : Sounds like they're pretty nice.
SLY : That's the problem. They were so nice, they made me feel guilty. And I haven't felt guilty
      since... never.
JAKE : Well, welcome to the human race, Winkle.
SLY : Guys, even if it costs us the gig, I can't hurt Lynn. I've got to tell her the truth.
TONY : Yeah.
LORENA : It's about time.
SLY : You know, I never should've pretended to like Lynn for this stupid gig.
SLY : Hey, Jake, what are you doing?
JAKE : I'm just sitting here writing a love poem to Tiffani, you know, telling her how much I
       love her... What a pain.
SLY : That's cool man. I just wrote a love poem for Lynn.
JAKE : I thought you were breaking up with her.
SLY : Oh, I am. But I figured since love poems are so nice, sweet and caring, this would be
      the best way to let her down easy.
JAKE : You're some piece of work, Winkle.
SLY : Check it: "Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm dumping you. Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo." What do
      you think?
JAKE : Nah.
SLY : You're right.
SLY : Hey. Uh, could you give us a second?
JAKE : Yeah.
LYNN : No, Jake, what I have to say to Sly won't take long. I... I have to break things off with
        you. Things are moving too fast for me.
SLY : Really?
LYNN : Yes, look, also, uh... I'm canceling my party. I have a lot of school work to catch up on.
SLY : Wait, Lynn. I'm--
LYNN : Here, this is for you. Since I'm canceling on the Dreams at the last minute, I feel like
        they should still get paid.
SLY : Two-thousand dollars.
LYNN : That's what you wanted.
SLY : Yeah, but I didn't want it to go...
LYNN : Good-bye, Sly.
SLY : I don't get it. I got rid of Lynn. I got the money. I got everything I asked for. How
      come I'm not happy?
JAKE : Because you weren't true, to a girl who trusted you.
SLY : Yeah. That's it.
JAKE : You're not kidding that's it. Sappy city. Tiff's going to eat it up.
SLY : Hi.
LYNN : What?
SLY : Happy birthday.
LYNN : Ooh, Whoop-dee-doo.
SLY : Lynn, I have to talk to you.
LYNN : It's too late, Sly. I know you were only using me to make the money.
SLY : Well, that was true in the beginning. But that was before I got to know you. I was wrong.
      And I'm sorry.
LYNN : See, Sly, I don't blame you. That's just who you are. Scum.
LYNN : I blame myself for falling for it.
SLY : Lynn, don't be so hard on yourself. I shouldn't have used you.
SLY : Look, you're a nice person. I just didn't realize that until we started going out.
LYNN : Yeah, right. Sly, you're just a liar. I can't believe you.
SLY : Okay, I can prove it. The money was all I wanted, right? Well, here's your check. I'm
      giving it back.
SLY : Go ahead. Thke it. Take it.
LYNN : Let go.
SLY : I'm trying. Pull harder.
LYNN : Thank you, Sly. I appreciate it.
SLY : Wait. That's not all.
GANG : HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
LYNN : Oh, wow! Thanks, guys.
LORENA : Plus, the Dreams are still going to play for you -- and Sly's paying for it.
SLY : Happy birthday, Lynn.
TIFFANI : Let me get this straight. You wrote me a love poem, but you don't know what
           happened to it?
JAKE : Look, I swear, Tiff. I don't know where that waiter went. I paid him a buck to deliver
       the poem to my... my one true angel.
TIFFANI : Your one true angel? Awww...
MARK : Well, I'm through with letters. I'm going in. Love and in person. Hi, Molly. I'd like to
        take you out sometime. What do you say?
MOLLY : Sorry, Mark. The waiter delivered me a love poem from Jake Sommers. He thinks I'm
         his "one true angel."
MARK : Oh. Perfect.
HOPE : Hey, Sly, you want to dance?
SLY : Well, um, thanks, but, um, I'd rather dance with my friend Lynn. What do you say/ Would
      you like to dance?
LYNN : Well, you did throw me a pretty nice surprise party...
SLY : Plus, you know first-hand what kind of dancer I am.
LYNN : Yeah, but I'll dance with you anyway.

-THE END-