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"My Valentine" / Friday - February 12, 1999
SLY : Ba-boom, you're in love! Ba-boom, you're in love!
TONY : Hey, hey, hey, Sylvester. Now, that's a good look for you. Although you might want to
accent it with some high heels.
SLY : Go ahead, laugh now, but you said if I dressed up like Cupid, you guys'd play the
Valentine's Dance.
JAKE : Uh, no, we said we wouldn't play the dance even if you dressed like Cupid.
SLY : Great, so I dressed up like this for nothing--?
TIFFANI : Forget about the Dreams playing, Sly. Jake and I want to dance at the dance, not
play at the dance.
SAM : Yeah, and this is my first Valentine's Day with Tony. We want to celebrate our seven
months of happiness.
TONY : Ooh, that's two hundred and ten days of bliss.
SAM : ...Five-thousand thirty-six hours of joy.
SLY : ...More like two million seconds of nausea. Valentine's Day. Feh.
TIFFANI : Hey, Valentine's Day isn't feh. It's the commercialism that is. Everyone gets caught
up on who's got the biggest chocolate heart.
JAKE : Yeah, that's why we're just giving each other homemade cards.
LORENA : You're both broke, huh?
JAKE/TIFFANI : Yeah.
SLY : Let me get this straight. You guys are putting love in front of making money?
TONY : Of course we care.
SLY : "Of course we care." You leave me no choice... I must kill you all.
JAKE : Hey, hey... Hey, Mark. Is that a, uh, Valentine I see?
TONY : Yeah, who's it from?
MARK : Uh, uh... Mark Winkle does not kiss and tell. Let's just say she's really hot, okay?
SLY : Ahem...
MARK : Hey!
SLY : "To My Cuddly Little Valentine. Love, Mommy."
TONY : Hey, how'd you get in his locker?
SLY : Oh, I know the combination to every locker in school.
JAKE : Yeah, right, prove it.
SLY : Okay, your locker's got a Biker Babes calendar, uh, twelve greasy combs and a really
lame Valentine to Tiffani.
JAKE : Stay out of my-- You really think it's lame?
TONY : Yeah, okay, Slymie... What about my locker? You know the combination to my lock--
SLY : Six right, thirty-six left, forty-two right. But I stay away from your locker. It's like
Samantha Woo World.
TONY : Okay, big deal. I love Sam. She's the most hand-holding-heart-thumping-makes-
Whitney-Houston-look-like-a-bag-lady girlfriend there is. See now, that's why I'm
breaking the bank on her Valentine's Day present.
MARK : Oh, that sounds great, Tony. What are you going to get her?
TONY : Getting her a 14-karat gold heart-shaped locket with the inscription: "Tony and Sam -
Goo-ga-moo forever." You think she'll like it?
MARK : Oh, absolutely. I got my mom a locket last year -- she loved it. Hey, laugh now, but
I'm the only one with extra Ding-Dongs in his lunch bag.
JAKE : Oh, man, Tony, why'd you have to get her a gold locket? Now that makes my poem look
really lame.
SLY : Uh, at least it'll match the card.
JAKE : I've got to scrape up some cash and at least get her flowers, or something.
TONY : Yeah.
JAKE : Later.
SLY : Hey, Tony, I don't get it. Why waste your money? Sam's an exchange student. She's
going back to Hong Kong after graduation.
TONY : Oh, man. Right. You're right. That means we only have four months left-and one of
them is February. The short one.
SLY : Yeah, and you don't want to throw away your hard-earned tip money on a short-term
investment, do you?
TONY : Hey, hey, hey, hey, now, me and Sam are not a short-term thing, okay? We love each
other. We'll work it out. We'll call. We'll write.
SLY : Yeah, sure, that's what they all say. Then the excuses start: "I'll call tomorrow" "It costs
too much" "I've got to watch 'Kung Fu' re-runs." I've seen it a million times.
TONY : You have?
SLY : Of course I have. Before you know it, Samantha Woo is going to be thinking "Tony Who?"
while locking lips with... Szechwan Bill.
TONY : Oh, man. You're right, you're right, Sylvester. I've got to do something, man. There's no
way, I'm going to lose Sam.
TONY : Here she comes. Everybody hide!
GANG : Surprise!
SAM : Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my birthday's in April. What's going on?
TONY : Happy Valentine's Day, Sam.
SAM : Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my Valentine's Day is tomorrow.
TONY : Ah, today is tomorrow in China.
SAM : Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my... gosh.
TONY : Are you guys ready?
TONY : Sam, sometimes it's hard for me to say how much I love you. So that's why I wrote
this song. It's all about the way I feel about you, okay? Now, this comes one-hundred
percent from me. Only, uh... Jake's singing it.
JAKE : One, two, three.
(MUSIC CUE : "WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT YOUR LOVE"
TONY/MARK : CANDY AND FLOWERS
JAKE : FOR MY VALENTINE
TONY/MARK : MINUTES AND HOURS
JAKE : YOU STAY ON MY MIND
TONY/MARK : ROMANCE AND LOVE SONGS
JAKE : I'M DOWN ON MY KNESS
TONY/MARK : PROMISE ME YOU'LL BELONG
JAKE : OHH TO ONLY ME
BUT THAT'S JUST A START
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY
I'D GIVE YOU MY HEART
BUT IT'S YOURS ANYWAY
TONY/MARK/JAKE : WHAT WOULD I DO
WITHOUT YOU (OOHHH)
JAKE : OH, YEAH
TONY/MARK/JAKE : TO ME YOU'RE THE MEANING OF
JAKE : THE MEANING OF LOVE
TONY/MARK/JAKE : AND I'LL ALWAYS BE TRUE
FOREVER WITH YOU
YEAH IT JUST ISN'T LONG ENOUGH
WHAT WOULD I DO
JAKE : WITHOUT...
YOUR KISSED AND
YOUR TENDER TOUCH
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
BABY, THERE'S SOMETHING
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I'M GONNA DIE IF YOU EVER GO
JAKE : WHAT WOULD I DO
TONY/MARK/JAKE : WITHOUT YOU (OOHHH)
JAKE : OH, YEAH
TONY/MARK/JAKE : FOREVER'S NOT LONG ENOUGH
WHAT WOULD I DO
JAKE : WITHOUT YOU)
SLY : Wow. Now that's what I call a perfect Valentine's Day gift.
TIFFANI : Yeah, a love song is so romantic.
SLY : No, I meant it didn't cost a dime.
SAM : Oh, Tony, that was the best Valentine I've ever gotten.
TONY : Hey, hey, and that's only half the gift. You know how you're going back to Hong Kong
in June?
SAM : Yeah, I try not to think about it. It really bums me out.
TONY : Well, me, too. I love you so much, I don't ever want us to be apart.
SAM : I don't want that either. I want us to always be together.
TONY : Well, I've been thinking about it and uh, I believe I found a way.
SAM : Really? What is it? I'd do anything not to be away from you.
TONY : Samantha Woo...will you marry me?
SAM : Of course, I will.
SLY : What up.
MARK : Hey.
LORENA : Hey, you guys seen Tony and Sam? We've got to show them that getting married at
our age is ridiculous. I hope he's still around.
SLY : Well, Tony's still around.
MARK : How can you tell?
SLY : His lunch is still here. Mmmmmmmeatloaf. Ahhhh! Tabasco!
TONY : Ah, caught you, Sylvester! Now try the potato salad--I dare you!
LORENA : Listen, you two, you're not serious about getting married, are you? It'll be a huge
mistake.
TIFFANI : Yeah, love is one thing, but marriage is a major decision. You can't just rush into it.
SAM : Don't worry, guys. All that matters is that I love Tony. I love the way he opens doors
for me.
TONY : I do that.
SAM : And I love how he holds me during a really scary movie.
TONY : Well, I do that.
SAM : And I love how he can make a sentence go on forever.
TONY : I do... So what are you trying to say? That I'm just a running-at-the-mouth-never-
found-an-adjective-he-didn't-like-yapping-like-a-hyena... Why, I do that!
JAKE : Get real, you two. You can't tell me you'd still be doing this if Sam weren't going back
to Hong Kong.
TONY : Well, maybe not now, but some day.
SAM : Anyway, you guys are missing the point. We don't want to risk losing each other in
June. This way we'll never have to be apart.
TIFFANI : Yeah, but where are you going to live? How are you going to support yourselves?
SLY : And most importantly, are you going to hire the Dreams to play at your wedding? There's
big bucks in holy matrimony.
GANG : Sly!
TONY : Oh, don't worry about us, guys. We'll be fine. I'll work full-time at Sharkey's. So
between that and the band, I'll have more than enough money.
SAM : Yeah... and I'll work, too. Besides, it doesn't matter where we live as long as we have
each other.
TONY : Right. So it'll be like our never-ending honeymoon. And everyday I promise to carry
my blushing bride over the threshold. Eh? Ha-ha-ha.
JAKE : Get real, man -- Your arms will get tired after the first day. You want to know what
it's going to be? This is what it'll be like...
SAM : Hey, Tony. Aren't you going to carry me across the threshold?
TONY : You've got two legs. Use them.
TONY : Sam, I need a clean shirt. Now, didn't you do the laundry?
SAM : You want a clean shirt? I'll give you a clean shirt. Here. It's clean. Satisfied?
TONY : Oh, what? You're not even going to iron this?
SAM : Oh, look at the time. The gang's coming to visit. Look at this place!
TONY : Yeah, look at it! I thought you were going to clean up after I was doing my double
shift at Sharkey's.
SAM : Well, excuse me. But I just finished a triple shift at the car wash. I inhaled so much
Turtle wax I could sneeze out a candle...but you don't hear me complaining!
TONY : Oh, no, not to me, but you're always on the phone complaining to your momman, huh?
Ni dui guanyu Tony. Wo bu yinggai jiehun Tony. Yuchunde beibide Tony...
SAM : Well, at least my mother doesn't come over and go..."You little hussy, you stole the best
years of my baby's life." You better not start with me...
TONY : Hey...
SAM : Hi, guys. Come in. Sit. Anywhere.
JAKE : Uh, no, we'll just stand.
MARK : Listen, guys, we really miss you. Are you sure you won't rejoin the Dreams?
TONY : Sorry, man. We can't depend on making money with the band. Now that we're married,
we need something solid.
SAM : Yeah, we've got rent, food, clothes...
TONY : Not to mention one huge phone bill to China.
SAM : Don't start with me, Tony.
TONY : I didn't start with you, but you had to...
JAKE : That's how it'll be.
MARK : That's true.
SAM : That's how it'll be.
SAM : Don't worry, guys. Worse comes to worse, we'll move in with Tony's parents. Right,
Tony?
SAM : You did tell them, right?
TONY : Oh, is that the lunch bell? It's "Pack-a-Pita Day." Yummy, yummy, yummy. Excuse me...
SAM : Freeze.
SAM : Tony, you promised you'd tell them about us getting married. I can't believe you lied to
me.
TONY : Oh, it's not like I lied. It's more like I... I... I...
SLY : Chickened out?
TONY : Yeah... No!
SAM : Tony, if you can't tell your parents about your fiancee, you're obviously not mature
enough to get married.
TONY : I am mature. Really I am. I just didn't want them to ground me.
SAM : You clearly don't take this relationship seriously and that can only mean one thing. You
don't really love me!
TONY : No, no, Sam. I do love you. Sly was right. I'm a chicken!
LORENA : Uh, gee, Sam. I'm suprised your parents took the news so well.
SAM : Well, well, well, well, well... yeah, yeah, yeah...
TIFFANI : You didn't tell them, did you?
SAM : Well, well, well, well... No.
TONY : You don't love me!! You don't love me!!
JAKE : Stop it, you guys! You're being ridiculous.
TIFFANI : Yeah. You're being immature... not communicating... not being honest... You can't base
a marriage on that.
SAM : Forget marriage. You can't base a relationship on that.
TONY : Yeah, you're right. So maybe we shouldn't be together at all. Huh? Is that what you
want, huh?
SAM : Well, maybe we shouldn't...
LORENA : Whoa! Calm down. That's not what we meant.
SAM : No. Tony's right. I'm better off in Hong Kong.
TIFFANI : Tony, say something.
TONY : I can't. There's nothing to say.
TIFFANI : Come on, Sam. Just because you and Tony shouldn't get married, doesn't mean you
have to break up.
LORENA : Yeah, you're just going from one extreme to another to avoid being hurt in June.
SAM : You're wrong. Tony doesn't really love me. That's why I'm giving him back all his junk.
LORENA : Sam, you're making a terrible mistake.
SAM : No, Lorena, there's no way I want a single reminder of Tony around.
LORENA : No. I meant, this is my "Buns of Steel" video.
TONY : Hi, Sam. Uh, here you go. That's everything.
SAM : Hey, Tony, these are your lucky drumsticks. They were a gift. You don't have to give
them back.
TONY : No, no, no, no, that's okay, Sam. I'd rather not have them around, thank you. Hey, hey,
isn't this the ankle bracelet I got you for our one month anniversary?
SAM : Uh-huh. Remember how you hid it in my Sharkey burger?
TONY : Yeah... and good thing Tiff knew the Heimlich maneuver, huh?
TONY : Here. Take it. I have to go.
SAM : Me, too.
TIFFANI : Oh, man. It's Valentine's Day. We've got to get those two back together.
MARK : Yeah.
LORENA : Oh, this is perfect. When Sam and Tony see all this romance, they can't help but get
back together.
LORENA : Hey, Sam. Happy Valentine's Day.
SAM : Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's just get this over with.
MARK : Hey, Tony, over here.
TONY : Hey, what's with the D.J.? I thought you said we were going to play.
LORENA : Oh, uh, you go on after the D.J. Uh, so, doesn't Sharkey's look great? Pretty
romantic, huh?
TONY : Oh, I get it. You guys are scamming us.
SAM : Yeah, what'd you think? We'd see all these happy couples and want to get back together?
TIFFANI : Of course not.
LORENA : You two are so scared of losing each other you can't enjoy what you have right now.
MARK : Yeah, you've forgotten what real love is. It's, uh... Well, checkout Jake and Tiff. That's
real love.
TIFFANI : Here you go, Jake. I wanted to show you how much I love you.
JAKE : A classic Harley patch? I love it! I love it!
TIFFANI : You hate it.
JAKE : No, no, no, I... I just, uh, sold my leather jacket to get your present. But that's okay. It
was worth it. Here, take a look.
TIFFANI : A wetsuit? Oh, no. I sold my surfboard to pay for the Harley emblem.
JAKE : This is kind of cool, huh?
TIFFANI : Yeah, we love each other so much we sacrificed our most special possessions.
JAKE/TIFFANI : I want mine back!
SAM : Oh, yeah, that was real romantic.
TONY : Yeah, nice try, guys. Later. I'm out of here.
LORENA : No.
SLY : This is stupid.
SLY : Here's a special request. For all you couples out there. May you goo-ga-moo forever.
TONY : How about one last dance? I mean, just for old time's sake?
SAM : Well, okay. Just for old time's sake.
SAM : Boy, Tony, I really love this song. It's so beautiful.
TONY : Not as beautiful as the person I worte it for.
SAM : Listen...
TONY : I was wondering...
SAM : You go first.
TONY : Well, maybe the gang was right. I mean, maybe I only asked you to marry me because
I'm so afraid of losing you.
SAM : I know. My stomach gets in knots everytime I think about being without you. But they're
right. We're not ready for marriage.
TONY : I know. But you know, we still have four months to work something out.
SAM : Yeah, and even if I go back, we can always write and I promise to call.
TONY : Yeah, me, too. You just stay away from anyone named Szechwan Bill.
SAM : What?
TONY : Nothing. Happy Valentine's Day, Sam. I love you.
SAM : I love you, too.
-THE END-
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