Please NOTE: All prose on this page are copywrite by Tammy and may
not be used or reproduced in any manner without her written permission.

If you would like to write to Tammy the author of these poems, here is her Email Addy:

[email protected]

"A Year of Firsts"

The first time I received your name..........I read it over and over.
The first time I saw your picture..............I compared your features to mine.
The first time I heard your voice..............I cried realizing you were real.
The first time I saw you face-to-face..........I was scared and acted the fool.
The first time I touched your hand............I swallowed back years of loss.
The first time I rode through your town......I smiled realizing I was conceived here.
The first time I felt time's loss..................I grieved and realized I loved you.
The first time I heard your explanation.......I listened helpless and frustrated.
The first time I met your people................I stuck to your side, shy and scared.
The first time I revealed I was not perfect.........I prayed that you'd still love me.
The first time I spoke of my anger.............I was surprised you did not leave me.
The first time I called without a reason.......I realized you were becoming a part of my life.
The first time a major holiday fell.............I was a basket case of jumbled emotions.
The first time I wanted you to touch me......I held your thigh to my leg.
The first time you met my Amother...........I felt cautious and pulled in two.
The first time I looked at baby pictures with you....I listened to you assure yourself of my childhood.
The first time I answered back that I loved you......I hung up the phone shocked that I said it.
The first time now I reflect on the past year..........I look back with the changes so quickly.

This has been a year of firsts with many more firsts to come.

Tammy, 12-29-98

"Dance of Reunion"

I parry , you thrust.
I advance..... you advance
I back away... you step closer
I run off..... you step backwards.
This is the dance of reunion.

I reach my fingers....you touch them.
I grasp yours firmly...you slacken your grip.
I try to talk... you get frustrated.
This is the dance of reunion.

I lead....you follow
I ask.....you answer.
I watch... you wait.
I whisper.... you vow.
This is the dance of reunion.

I advance...you sit.
I explain... you understand.
I open myself...you accept.
I follow..... you lead
This is the dance of reunion.

I bond.... you promise.
I test.... you know.
I sway to the music.... You hum
I love....you always have.

This is the dance of reunion

1-8-99

Tammy, reunited with Bmom 5-25-98

"Please See This In Me"

Momma, The colors of the sky when the sun is set.
The single drop of rain that rests upon a branch.
The tapestry of the night with stars in all their glory.
Beauty surrounds us daily, See this through my eyes

Momma, Simplicity of a child's love bursting to come forth.
The fears of a survivor whose known both pain and loss.
The gift of a smile, a kind word or a touch.
Take the time to notice, see now in my soul.

Momma, The spirit of loyalty that is earned in its own time.
The decision to feel, to experience, to hope and dream.
The fight against adversity and get back up and try.
Life and its decisions, see how I try to live.

Momma, The lessons that the heart gives each and every day,
The weapons of love n patience that beat down inner fears.
Consistency like a sunrise, dependable, glorious and true.
Weaknesses turn to strengths with time, see what I strive inside.

1-15-99

"Wishes"

I wish it could be me, Cradled in your arms,
Receiving baby talk, Cooing in your face.

I wish it could be me, Holding to your fingers,
Tickled on my stomach, Bounced upon your knee.
Never held as an infant by you(like your other children, grand-children)
Why could it not be me? Why was it not me?

I wish it could be me, Pictured on this wall,
Surrounded by those called family, Growing up frame to frame.

I wish it could be me, Comforted by this home,
Decorated with my accomplishments, Scratched furniture to laugh about.

Never was I allowed a baby picture on your lap.
Why could it not be me? Why not me?

I wish it could be me, Knowing it never will,
Remembering what never was, Greiving what little I had.

I know it must be me, Living for the now,
Appreciating every touch, Going on with life.

(But inside I cry at times)

Why could it not be me? Why not me?

1-22-99

"Close and Solid and Sure"

When I think of you....
I reach down in my pocket and make a fist, tight and firm and soft.
Then I can almost feel your palm touching , close and solid and sure.
So many a time you've walked beside me.
So many a time gone by.

When I am afraid...
I hug my big pillow and hide, tight and firm and soft.
Then I can almost feel its you I hold, close and solid and sure.
So many a moment we have held each other.
So many a day and night.

When I feel happy....
I talk to you endlessly and giggle and laugh, warmly and tirelessly and quietly.
Then I can almost feel you are here, close and solid and sure.
So many a time we have smiled at each other.
So many a tear of laughter.

When I call to you....
I whisper it loudly calling to your ears, petitions and whispers and pleas.
Then I can almost hear you answer, close and solid and sure.
So many times I have called your name, So many times to wonder.

When I miss you...
I close my eyes and imagine your arms around me, Assuring and petting and warm.
Then I can almost feel you are with me, close and solid and sure.
So many a moment I have reached out to you. So many fancies I have dreamed.

I miss you so much Momma.. contact me!

1-23-99

"Hear My Heart"
to my Adopted Mother

This quest for the faceless mother, hidden deep away.
Is built upon your visage, I see keenly every day.
Looking for perfection , firstly she’s compared to you,
All those years of commitment, against what is so soft and new.

How can you not love your life giver, but is that really bad?
I’ve learned her role is an extra gift of something I already had.
Acceptance, Commitment and Truth stare right into my face
But it has now two sets of eyes and my world is a brighter place.

The assurances that she whispers to me… I want to say to you:
I will never ever leave you (and) our love is strong and true.
The words "I’m wanted", claimed by her, was a dream come true
But its also so important, to my heart, to hear those words from you.

2-10-99

"When the Glow Fades"

When the glow fades,
When images turn to shadows,
When warmth turns to chills,
When feelings are raw and vulnerable,
When things look o' so different than
it first once was.
Will my Heart burn to ash?

When the glow fades,
When I see beyond my dreams,
When I tire of the hurting,
When I want to just move on,
When I touch the embers
will they burn and hurt my hand?
Will there always be pain?

When the glow fades,
When the embers will die if not fed,
When decisions grip my consciousness,
When I am so very, very tired,
When I reflect within myself
what it means to be content?
Will I be able to live with my actions?

When the glow fades,
When I stir reunion's glow once more,
When I wait for the glow to brighten,
When I then feed the flames,
When I vow at this moment the glow,
will never leave my heart.
Will my reunited hear me?
Will we both feed the flames?

..........Come out, I am here..     always

2-17-99

"The Baby Cries"

Under the cool demeanor,
Beneath layers of distrust,
Do you hear the baby cry?
Amongst the scores of testing,
Riding the seas of doubt,
Do you hear the baby cry?

Sifted out of the emotional baggage,
Amidst fragile vulnerability,
Do you hear the baby cry?

In eyes of tense caution,
On brows furrowed,
Do you hear your baby cry?
Upon tear tracked cheeks,
A body curled within itself,
Do you hear your baby cry?
Scant glimpses of true emotions,
With admission of need in a sigh,
Do you hear your baby cry?

Do you hear your baby cry? If so, what will you do?

3/1/99

"The Sterile Bassinet"

Still in the sterile bassinet, Reborn in a world so new.
Walls so white so clean and harsh. Separated and labeled where I lay.
Will it help to cry outloud? Everyone wants me to hush.
I bet if I screamed my lungs out, I’d have someone bring me to you.

Still in the sterile bassinet, Isolated in a world so far.
Fears and memories my playthings. No mobiles of shapes at my head.
Will someone come and play with me?
Just sit here beside my bed.
I bet its easy to dismiss things away, I’d rather be communicating with you.

Still in the sterile bassinet, Confused with this term called love.
The nurturer looks at my threatened fear, The life-giver sits back and feels guilt.
Am I so untouchable? I ache for a maternal bond.
I bet if I acted the well-rounded adult, I’d be left un-nurtured to GROW.

Still in the sterile bassinet. Woken from a bad, bad, dream.
Darkness breeds fears multiplied, An innocent still dreams for loves’s touch.
How will I rest here through the rest of this night?
I dream of security and trust.
I bet if I whimper someone might hear.
Help me out of this bassinet.

3-21-99

(The use of HER in this poem is to distinguish the Amom from the Bmom)

"Three to One"

Despair of a young woman, shamed by a fruitful womb,
Grief of a mother denied, driven to feelings of inadequacies,
Growth of a tiny life, sensing the turmoil around it,
Tears run together, three streams into one.

Loss of a rounded belly, advised to simply forget.
Joy of the once barren, holding close HER child.
Security of a tiny baby, cries now answered not ignored.
Tears run together, three streams into one.

Judgment of her own heart, replaying her decision of old.
Happiness amidst the birthdays, watching HER child grow.
Void and gnawing questions, rooted deep within.
Tears run together, three streams into one.

Changed in a single moment, re-catching a moment of time.
Reminders of what she isn’t, by her grown child’s quest.
Independent , fragile, cautious, born a second time.
Tears run together, three streams into one.

Healing her troubled heart, learning her stranger child.
Affirmation of HER place, persevering despite anxiety.
Regrets swirl with thanksgiving, jumbled together inside.
Tears run together, three streams into one.

Collecting in her eyes, misting threatening to pour.
Drops from fearful eyes, reminded of what she can’t have.
Rolling down cheeks innocent, down toughened baby soft skin.
Tears run together, three streams into one.

3-31-99

Tammy has a friend who is putting her baby up for adoption, a situation that is very
emotional for her.  If she could, here is what she would tell this newborn.

"Little one"

Little one, sweet little one, how beautiful you are.
Your birth a celebration of love’s divine plan.
Angels brought your goodness out of a troubled time.
Rest easy in the many arms that claim you now as theirs.

Little one, sweet little one, dream untroubled dreams.
Your sleep will grow you strong, against the stings of life.
Fear’s demons can be chased away, you never are alone.
Relax now to the tender voice that sings your lullaby.

Little one, sweet little one, lets build some memories.
One’s that give you wholeness, a foundation on which to grow.
Focusing on the goodness and learning from what is not.
Nestle now in love’s many arms that want the best for you.

Little one, sweet little one, what can I share with you?
I as your kindred sister born to be called adopted.
Listen to your heart and always hold to hope.
Accept that which can't be changed and grow the stronger for it.

4-12-99

"Creation’s Whisper"

Perfectly they contour, creation’s soft beauty.
A babe rests on it’s mother, in peaceful sleep.
Innocence lays pillowed on her maternal breast.
A mother’s womb remains a haven of security.

Especially they fit, creation’s awesome plan.
How the child draws from it’s mother’s femininity.
Young-hearted , it grows strong from gentle love.
A mother’s lap always an eternal security.

Wonderfully they nurture, creation’s mutual gift.
A babe first suckles on it’s mother’s breast.
Instinctual actions shape to unshakable bonding.
A mother’s bosom always a place to lay one’s head.

Quietly I revere, creation’s great mystery.
A babe grown to ache for that which never was.
Still childish longings ignore time’s years.
A mother’s body from afar whispers to mine.

5-27-99

"Rebirth?"

Could I crawl back inside?
Place back the cord connecting us,
Float gently listening to your voice,
Cradled perfectly in your womb.

Could I crawl back inside?
My senses alert and active,
My Mind memorizing each moment,
Naked, vulnerable and free from loss,
Bonding born through rebirth.

Could I crawl inside your womb?
Did you once want me there?

6-24-99

"Birth Father"

What do I see in you?  Lusty loins birthing a bastard,
Wrapped in sheets of darkest black, Conceived out of lies and deceit.
So why do I crave your recognition?

What am I to you? A string you cut years ago,
Severed completely from you, An embarrassment to "the family".
So why do I hope childish dreams?

What are we to each other? Father and bastard by blood,
A search I must endeavor upon, A Chance for healing or more pain.
So do I risk and try?

......don't turn away again.

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