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by Chokee Slam
| Glen Jacobs was born a poor, white child. Actually, I don't know if he was poor but he
certainly is white. Here we see Example A: beady eyes, curly red hair, the gap between the
teeth. A sweet, innocent looking tyke with a $4.99 shirt from K-mart. Perhaps victim to
threats from other children, after-school beatings, Melvins, getting pushed into puddles,
ear pulls, eye pokes, loss of lunch, loss of lunch money, loss of sneakers, loss of
underwear or/and pants and constantly put in headlocks and noogied. Or perhaps he was
actually the perpetrator of such juvenile criminal acts. But all I can think of when I
look at this picture is little Richie Cunningham. Pinch factor: 9 |
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| After having had more than his required amount of milk, Glen grew.. and grew… and
grew.. and grew some more.. to be the mighty oakish man, standing approximately 7 feet
tall. Example B shows Glen (pictured here with Al Snow; another winner for the New and
Improved portion of this site) looking like the average jockish athlete which is basically
big, rugged, blond and capable of consuming a whole beer ball, while sporting the basic
wrestling gear, the standard panty. |
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| One of his other characters was the Christmas Creature. So far there is no
known evidence of this, but click here
to see what he may have looked like. |
| Eventually, Jerry Lawler introduced Glen Jacobs to the WWF as 'Isaac
Yankem, D.D.S.' This was probably the most awkward stage in any human being's life. His
hair was bleach fried, his teeth were colored a lovely shade of plaque and he was treated
as a monster due to his massive build. |
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Example D shows Glen with his head cocking to the side and his ass perk-alating. This
also showed that a new being was emerging as the hair bleach faded and he was slowly
becoming more like his true self. |
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| Example C is someone you don't really want to confront in your dentist's
office. However, his cherubic cheeks were still evident and I think if a compassionate
person was to show him some care and affection, (and just pinch his cheeks like a grandma
would), he may have softened up a bit. |
| Then Glen became the Fake Diesel. Now we're able to see that he's starting to look
pretty fine. After Kevin Nash left the WWF (and the nielsen ratings probably dropped), the
WWF writers decided to make Glen the NEW or FAKE Diesel. I think it was an insult to the
audience but Glen at least had a job. Dark long hair apparantly suits him and he's
definitely buffed up since the Yankem days. See the hand on the left side, touching his
arm?? That COULD have been me. Oh yes… it could have been…. |
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| The final morph.. and the best look Glen Jacobs has had: KANE, the troubled little bro
of the Undertaker. He sports the skin-tight red and black outfit (unitard?? duo-tard?) and
wears a mask. Some of you may ask, 'if you can't see his face anymore, how is that an
improvement?'. Surprisingly it is. Though if he took the mask off, I'm sure that would be
fine as well since he's actually a cute guy. But what makes 'Kane' his best character is
the fact that he seems comfortable in this persona. All emotions are amazingly portrayed
through body language. His hair is long and naturally red, his left arm is muscular and
pasty, the right arm is probably the same (I think his right arm is all skinny under
the shirt, but that's just a theory... B.C.) he breathes heavy under that mask, he
makes the loudest most audible grunts when he's wrestling and he's got those patent
leather go-go-ish boots and a studded belt. It is a VAST improvement. (I sense some people
don't believe me). |
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| Glen Jacobs as Kane shows that sometimes BODY LANGUAGE is all it takes to bring on the
ooh's and aah's out of the crowds as he manages to do so by showing his ease of movement
around the ring, his domination of his opponents, his tilting head (see right), that big
boot.. that big other thing.. and well, we HAIL thee Kaneth (actually, Mr.
Jacobs). Your resale value has increased! |
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