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By Chokee Slam
| Now that Steve Austin is probably THE biggest WWF star in history,
enamored by many, role model of some, sexual fantasy of some others, we need to recall all
the rungs he climbed to reach his star status. Since I don't know his personal history,
I'll have to be shallow and comment on his image. Besides, it's also Mad Phat's duty to
bring the 'superstar' back down to human level in the eyes of us, the feeble. It makes us
feel good. |
| He was not always the 'toughest S.O.B' (for the PG-13 audience, it means Silly Ole
Bumpkin, for the Rated R mind, it's Sexy Ole Boy and for the shameless NC-17 crowds, it
means Set of Boobs). He was a hairline and upper-lip challenged golden boy buffster, with
some pretty sizable pecs that, in the least, took your sight off the minimal strands of
hair on the tippy top of his head. Example A pic reminds me of a police officer I used to
date who was a hornball in my presence but inconspicuously living a secret life of Village
People parties and singles ads. At least Steve didn't possess the condition called 'wide
police-officer butt'. Key word: DIDN'T. |
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| During his WCW days, he was paired with Brian Pillman as the tag duo The Hollywood
Blonds. Stevie had a good salary but still wouldn't pick up a box of Rogaine along with
his Tylenol at any drug stores. Stevie just couldn't get a good grasp of what look would
work in bringing the fans to his feet. Instead, he tried to have the audience focus on his
shaved armpits but obviously he couldn't even withstand the smell emanating from them. By
the way, where did Stevie put his armpit hair shavings?? On Brian's head? |
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| He found his path to the WWF and became the RingMaster, a protege of Ted Dibiase.
Along with discovering mic skills, he discovered facial hair. But still no Rogaine to be
found. |
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| Eventually, he throws his arms up in defeat and decides, 'HECK, just let the WWF
people do as they will with me. Nothing can get worse than wearing a velvet robe and
having this ref check out my neckhair, which by the way, is where all the hair that's
supposed to be on my HEAD is appearing.' |
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| He decides he should just laugh it off.. since everyone else is. |
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| At this point, I realize that I've got way too many pics of Steve. |
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| Like being reborn, he comes through the vaginal walls of the curtains as the new
character, Stone Cold. The character was born, nurtured, then fed.. and fed and fed (beer
of course, beer shakes, beer cakes, beer porridge, beer patties, beer lollipops...) which
eventually left him an inebriated mess (just joking) but HEY, it worked with the audience.
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| Finally, WHOO honey, let me slip them dollar bills in your little black panties. Someone
may have told Stevie that this look is a popular one among gay bikers, and found that a
fist to the face can offend so I'll be the first to say, this look is a damn good
improvement for you, man. |
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| Just remember, imitation is the highest form of flattery and we've seen
that form in fans and peers. But remember, the bald look does not work for everyone. As a
result we have sightings at wrestling events of Austin wanna-be's who resemble Charlie
Brown, Billy Corgan or Ming the Merciless. See the mass of sheep you have created, Steve,
with your refined look?? Way to go! That's something to tell your grandchildren. Chokee
Slam |
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