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The darkness will never leave us. The darkness is a part of us, regardless of how our lives change. We cannot live without the darkness and we cannot completely defeat it either. The darkness guides us just as the light guides us. Without the darkness guiding us, we would never know when the light it actually guiding us or not.
The fight against the negative aspects of our lives seems to cause us to lose a part of ourselves. There is always going to be something negative to happen in our lives. It may take some time before people realize that a perfect life doesn't exist. The proof for this is the fact that no one is perfect, and everyone has a dark-side that cannot be stopped. The dark-side may be withdrawn from the sight of the world, however it can't be truly stopped.
Some of us have learned to fight our dark-sides by removing it from sight of the world. When we do this we cause ourselves unnecessary stress, and possibly cause multiple "mood swings" during our lives. The unnecessary stress is because we are keeping a part of ourselves hidden from everyone else. To hide a part of our self will take a lot of concentration, which will cause stress after time.
The "mood swings" that we will have in our lives due to the hidden part of us, can cause you more emotional pain than it is worth. To hide from the world and try to act "normal" will cause these "mood swings" to happen. To be "normal" you will have to become someone that is only really exists in theory. The phrase "normal" to the world means that you have no "dark-side", you have no "skeletons in your past", you never experience any "mood swings", you will not have an emotional response to anything that may/may not happen to you. These qualities make the phrase "normal" become only something that can exist in theory.
For a person to exist in the world as someone that is "normal", you will need to become a robot that takes orders well. This is an impossible task to force a person to do, however there are many people that claim he/she is "normal" but later on in life he/she will need to go onto "stress leave". This shows the type of stress, that the world considers "normal", are actually under. The real "normal" people are people like you and I that face the problems of the world as they come. To be truly "normal" you will be emotional, you will have the odd "skeleton in your past, you will have a "dark-side", and you will be "happy" because of all these things.
The darkness is always there to guide us. The darkness will help us see things that we normally wouldn't see. The darkness will help us because the light can only guide so far. The darkness will guide us when/where the light cannot guide us. The light may be able to show us the positive things in life, however the darkness can show us everything else. When dealing with the light, everything is either right or wrong. When dealing with the darkness, there is always a shade of gray that exists. The shade of gray will always be there because there is always something to make the situation a more balanced form of positive or negative. This is why the darkness will guide us when the light cannot.
The real world is really an empty shell. There is nothing in the real world that is worth anything because the real world is just "full of itself". There is nothing that really is good that can come from the real world because it tries to destroy everything that exists. It is sad to say however it is the truth. This is why everyone will try to act a different way than he/she really is. To act differently to make the "real world" happier is just wrong to do. People are afraid to be who he/she really is, and the "real world" conquers each and every one of us because of that.
The dark-side of each of us is a form of guidance against the "real world". The darkness of the world exists because the world is not perfect. We require the darkness to show us the true way of the light. The light may be a good way to guide us when we are still innocent, however when we have to be part of the "real world" the darkness will need to guide us. There are very few of us that can stay innocent throughout our lives. It is especially difficult when you are being guided by the darkness to achieve life in the light. It sounds contradictory to itself, however the truth is that it is the right way to do things. The darkness will help guide any of us through the proper way to use our talents, may those be hidden ones or not.
Many of us will confuse the darkness with the negative emotions that we all have. There is a difference between the two. The negative emotions can be repelled for a period of time, however the darkness will guide us whether we know it or not. We may believe that the light is guiding us, however the light cannot guide us through the "real world" because the light cannot exist in the real world without being corrupted. The light will transfer us to the darkness, and the darkness will guide us through the "real world". The negative emotions that you experience are actually the "real world" trying to corrupt you. This corruption is to get you away from the darkness's guidance, and onto the path of the "real world".
There are many negative emotions that every one of us will experience in our lives. We are told by the "real world" that having these emotions surface makes us a bad person. The "real world" tries to shield itself from anything that can be destructive to it. The "real world" will do this because the "real world" fears anything that can change the point of view of anyone about how the "real world" operates.
The "real world" has us believing that when you experience a lot of negative emotions, you are to remove yourself from the eyes of the "real world". You are put yourself in a form of solitude to protect others from those negative emotions, however it is really because the "real world" is protecting itself from you. The "real world" fears the negative emotions that each of us possess. When we express these negative emotions in the "real world" we are forced to believe that it is wrong to do this. The truth behind it is that the "real world:" uses different forms of negative influences to force you to do things. To have your own negative emotions to come forth, the negative influences do not have the same power over you.
Through the recent "mood swings" that I have been having, I have realized that I have more negative emotions bottled up than positive ones. I have the ability to experience every form of negative emotion because the negative ones are more easily developed than the positive ones. Where I do not have any direct connections to my emotional structure, the positive ones seem the most difficult to generate (feel). For the "mood swings" of this week I have only felt positive for one day. It was the first "mood swing", however it was also the first time in a long time I have felt positive about my life. I know that I have made a closer connection with my emotions through confronting my depression and the reasons behind that depression, however I also know that I have a long road ahead of me.
I vented the negative emotions that I felt last week through a physical method. I did some physical labor things with my family, however I also know that it was wrong to vent these negative emotions in this manner. To vent through a physical method, you are chancing the fact that you may not be in the appropriate spot in the future for venting in a physical way. This is how many people get into fights over nothing, or the physical assault charges get laid. To vent negative emotions through physical actions is not the proper way to deal with those emotions. To vent those negative emotions, the best way is to vent them in a verbal fashion. It may not seem like the right way, however where the "real world" believes that it is wrong to do this; it must be the right way to do it.
I have a lot of negative emotions that have been surfacing lately. I have been able to control myself in the appropriate ways to deal with these negative emotions, however time is something that is always against you when dealing with these emotions. If too much time passes by when you feel these negative emotions, you have a chance to explode at any given moment. It is sad to see such negative abilities in anyone, however this is exactly what each of us goes through at one time or another.
We all have a dark-side that we don't let people see. We all have the fear that if we show our dark-sides that people will treat you differently, however in a bad way. I have been seeing signs of my dark-side surfacing, however I have kept it under enough control that it hasn't caused any real damage yet. I protect people from my dark-side because my dark-side is connected to the "skeletons" in my closet. I have many "skeletons" that I am not proud of, and my dark-side is only involved when one of those "skeletons" are about to be discovered. This form of self-protection is only a shield from the truth, and I know that I can't have this shield forever.
I have repressed a lot of emotions over the years. Unfortunately most of those emotions are negative ones, and it is more unfortunate that these have to resurface for me to experience the positive ones that are buried. The reconnection to my emotions will take a lot of time to do. I know that time may be against me in this because my mind may not be able to last the necessary time to wait. I also know that it will take time to get my mind use to not having the mental barriers up to protect myself from things that the "real world" will throw up me.
As I continue to end my depression, I seem to be chipping away at the foundations of the depression. I know that after time these chippings at the foundations will cause something to give away. I know this however I also require a "breakdown" once in a while to recover from these chippings at the foundations. I will continue to fight against the depression, whether my family is on my side or not, and I will continue to do this because my sanity needs to be regained. I know that it sounds weird to word everything this way, however I also know that it is the truth. I have sacrificed my sanity for too long to protect people that don't deserve my protection any longer. The time required to do everything safely may not be available because I have already felt my "mental state" start to collapse under all the pressure of emotions that I have been experiencing.
The pressure of emotions that I have been experiencing is a natural response to the lack of mental barriers that I have up. Where I have taken down a lot of those mental barriers, I have caused myself to experience things that I normally wouldn't experience. The anger and hatred that I have felt towards people is one example of the emotional pressures that I have been feeling. My guard needs to be down for me to experience emotions, and the more that it is down the more I am vulnerable to an attack. I have received a few attacks while being this vulnerable, however I have yet to need to be locked up because of any of them. I know that after time I will be required to be locked up in a mental health ward, however until it is required I will do my best to end this depression.
I have started to realize that the fact that I have more negative emotions than any other is because of the anger and hatred that I feel for myself. There is more anger and hatred towards myself than anyone else because I chose to hide from the "real world" and put myself into this depression. I also know that death with rain from above when my secret is finally let out into the "real world". The "real world" is not a perfect place regardless of how everyone tries to make it. The "real world" will soon have a real wake up call to make people realize that there are many things that are hidden to make the "real world" seem so perfect.
The end is near for my depression. The end of many lives is near because my depression will end. My depression has protected many lives, but my sanity was the cost. For my sanity to be regained, I must destroy multiple lives by ending my depression. There are many factors that are involved in my depression. The core factors will be the ones that will destroy everyone else. My home community has suffered a lot dealing with these core factors, and I know that when mine are released that I will no longer be allowed near my home community.
I am sacrificing a lot to regain my personal sanity. I have been preparing for the worst to come out of this whole thing. I have found that if you are prepared for the worst, you are able to deal with whatever is thrown at you. With the seriousness that is involved with my situation, I know that the worst is what to expect from this whole thing. I know that I will be suffering more after everything is said & done because I will be losing most of my friends and possibly most of my family. It is unfortunate to have something like this happen however is necessary for me to finally be able to end the depression, and finally continue with my life in the appropriate action.
For all the emotions that will be involved with the whole experience to end my depression, I know that every emotion that I have repressed for all this time will all resurface at the same time. I know that having my secret finally released into the world will cause a lot of devastation, however I see no reason to keep that secret any longer. Keeping that secret has destroyed my sanity. My sanity has been the price for others to seem to be good people. I know that my family will have to choose to either be on my side or to be on the side of long time friends. I know that I have challenged those same people in the past, and my family went to their side. I know that only time can tell what is going to happen with this.
With the negative emotions that have been surfacing lately, I am starting to realize that I am on the right track. To have this much negative feeling being bottled and finally released shows that I am doing something right in finally letting that all out. I know that a release of a great amount of negative emotions can be a dangerous thing, however it is necessary for me to continue with my life. I have been doing things in a constant loop, however unable to leave that loop because my depression has not allowed me to leave the loop. The loop was created so that nothing new could force the depression to lash out at anyone. I cannot have this loop any more because the protection that it created must be removed.
Time is the one variable that I cannot account for. I will be going through a lot of mood swings, and there is no one that really can help me. There are many people that can help guide me, however guidance is all that these people are able to do for me. Where I am willing to do whatever is necessary to end my depression, regardless of the sacrifices, I have the ability to finally end the pain & suffering that I have gone through due to the depression.
Time is the factor that will decide when it is time to start a war that will devastate the community. I cannot predict when this will happen. I do know that I was hoping for this to happen in three years, however the foundations of my depression may be forcing the war to happen sooner. Time is the factor in all of this because time is no longer a luxury in this matter. The end is near for the "perfect" world that those around me are so use to. This "perfect" world will end and the start of "Hell on Earth" will take its place.
The more time that passes, the worst that the mind can become. Time is a variable that can become very destructive after time. I know this because I have been experiencing it for the past few weeks. I have found that the more that I uncover about my depression, the worse my mind becomes.
When your mind is constructed around foundations are based upon a depression, your mind will start to slip when those foundations are removed. Time is a constant variable in the situation because there is no chance to predict the outcome of everything involved. I know that I am treading in dangerous waters when I continue to remove mental barriers that deal with my depression. I know that I am going to cause a lot of pain to myself and other people, when my depression comes to an end.
There is only so much pain & suffering that one person should be put through. If it were up to me, I would stop the pain & suffering from happening altogether, however that is impossible to do. I know that I have sacrificed more than what people realize, and I am still willing to sacrifice however not in the same aspect. I have sacrificed my sanity for a number of years, and did this out of the goodness of my heart. I realize now that it was wrong to do that type of sacrifice. I have sacrificed more than I should have.
I have been a victim of something very serious. I felt the need to hide from the seriousness of the situation, and I stayed quiet for the whole ordeal. I felt that a specific friendship was more important than my own sanity. I did start to do things that put me in a solitude position. I did stay quiet about the whole ordeal. I did shutdown/repress all of my emotions so that the ordeal wouldn't be able to bother me. I did all of these things to protect a friendship, however doing these things was wrong. Now it is time to reverse some of the damage I have caused myself.
I know that it looks like I am going for revenge. I know this however revenge is not what I am looking for. I am looking to retain my sanity. We all go through experiences that test our mental capabilities to work through the problem, and many of us are able to find the necessary help when we cannot do it by ourselves. I found a way to cause myself to not be harmed by the ordeal and anything anyone could say to me. I did all of this because of the friendship that I held more valuable than my own sanity. Now I see my sanity is too much of a cost for any friendship.
My mind is becoming more erratic because I have taken down a lot of mental barriers. These mental barriers were part of the foundation to my depression. These mental barriers also helped reinforce my depression. With the mental barriers starting to be removed, I have begun to feel the effects to not having those mental barriers. The mental barriers protected me from feeling certain amounts of emotions, and now I have begun to feel those emotions. It is unfortunate that 99% of the emotions that I am feeling are negative ones, however I have been dealing with those as they come.
I know that I have begun to start to lose control of everything that my mind does. I know that the worst is still to come, especially with the "self-destruction" periods still to come. I know these things however I also know that I will get through all of it. I will conquer the necessary things to end the pain & suffering that I have been going through. I know that many people will not be able to understand why I kept quiet for so long, and there will be many that won't be able to understand why I couldn't just stay quiet.
The truth is that I have been preparing for some of the worst types of comments that can come out of a person's mouth. I know how the community reacts to situations like mine, and I know that I will become "enemy #1" when this comes out. Although I was the victim, I will be the one that will be seen as the attacker. I know that the family that is involved will do a lot of "damage control" with the situation. I know that many people of that family will also say that I am lying about the whole thing. For those that would say something like that, I can understand how you feel however you also know me well enough to know that I wouldn't lie about something of this magnitude.
I know that many people will have to listen to his/her hearts when it comes to knowing that I am telling the truth. I know that there will be a lot of people that will not be able to feel sorry for himself/herself about not seeing the situation at the time it happened. My family will suffer a lot through it because of how close my family is with the other family that is involved. I know that the other family may become a separated family in the process because of the attitude with the situation. I know of the pain & suffering that will be involved, however it doesn't even compare to the pain & suffering I have already gone through.
I may have gone through a lot of pain & suffering throughout the years, however it will be only a fraction of the pain & suffering I will go through when the secret is finally out. I know that there is a chance that my family will reject me, and go to the side of the other family involved. I also know that there will be a lot of rumors about everything, flying around because people just like doing stuff like that. I know that many people that know me will need to decide to either cause me more pain & suffering, or help to defend me. These decisions I cannot make for anyone, however I do know that people will have to choose which side to be on.
My mind is becoming more erratic, the more "mood swings" I go through. I will be going through a lot more "mood swings" as the time continues on. I know that I may lose parts of my family through telling the truth, however I am prepared for those sacrifices because the truth needs to be known. If I hide from the truth any longer, I will cause myself more pain & suffering than I have had in the past. My sanity has been in question, by myself, for a number of weeks. The more I question myself, the worse I feel about what has already happened. I know that I can sacrifice my sanity to protect everyone, however if I did such a thing I would have to lock myself up in the "mental institution" for a long time. I know that my sanity wouldn't recover from doing that again, and I will not do that type of pain & suffering to myself for anyone ever again.
Time is the factor in this. I need to end the pain & suffering that I have been feeling due to my past. The skeleton will be let out of the closet, and released into the world. I will not stand by and sacrifice my own sanity any longer, and time can only tell if the pain & suffering will ever end. I know that the community will do many attacks against my sanity, and I know that those around me will start to have "bulls-eyes" on them because of the association with me.
It is said that time will heal all wounds. That saying may be true, however I do not believe that wounds like mine will ever heal. I have spent many years trying to heal, however it hasn't come yet. I will not be able to heal without having the past released, and my depression ended. Time may be able to heal all wounds, but mine are ones that will take longer than anyone else's. Time can only tell how much time is required.
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