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        COMPUTER STUPIDITY - Part 3
       
Customer: I get garbage when I log onto IndyNet. 
Tech Support: Ok, what software are you using? 
Customer: Internet. 
Tech Support: Yes, I know you're connecting to the Internet, but what software do you use to make the connection? 
Customer: Oh! Windows. 
Tech Support: Yes, but what software inside of Windows do you use? 
Customer: Oh! Ok, yes, I have an Acer 486-66D.... 
Tech Support: No! The software! Do you know what software is? 
Customer: Uh, kind of. 
Tech Support: Ok. Software is the program that you run in order to make the computer do anything, ok? 
Customer: Ok. 
Tech Support: So what program do you run to call us? 
Customer: ATDTxxxxxxx.  
_____  

Tech Support: Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help you? 
Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. 
Tech Support: What sort of trouble? 
Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. 
Tech Support: Went away? 
Customer: They disappeared. 
Tech Support: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? 
Customer: Nothing. 
Tech Support: Nothing? 
Customer: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. 
Tech Support: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? 
Customer: How do I tell? 
Tech Support: Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen? 
Customer: What's a sea-prompt? 
Tech Support: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? 
Customer: There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type. 
Tech Support: Does your monitor have a power indicator? 
Customer: What's a monitor? 
Tech Support: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? 
Customer: I don't know. 
Tech Support: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?  

(Rustling and jostling heard in the background.)  

Customer: [muffled] Yes, I think so. 
Tech Support: Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. 
Customer: Yes, it is. 
Tech Support: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? 
Customer: No. 
Tech Support: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.  

(Rustle, rustle.)  

Customer: [muffled] Ok, here it is. 
Tech Support: Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer. 
Customer: [still muffled] I can't reach. 
Tech Support: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? 
Customer: No. 
Tech Support: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? 
Customer: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark in here. 
Tech Support: Dark? 
Customer: Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. 
Tech Support: Well, turn on the office light then. 
Customer: I can't. 
Tech Support: No? Why not? 
Customer: Because there's a power outage. 
Tech Support: "A p-!" [AARGH!]  

This woman is a good friend of my supervisor. She's now also my friend.  
_____  

Tech Support: Ok, now type C D space backslash. 
Customer: Um, can you repeat that? 
Tech Support: Yes, "C D space backslash". 
Customer: C P? 
Tech Support: No, D. 
Customer: Ok, C D slash backspace. 
Tech Support: No, C D SPACE BACKSLASH. 
Customer: C D slash space backspace. 
Tech Support: No, C D SPACE BACKSLASH. 
Customer: C D slash backspace. 
Tech Support: C D SPACE BACKSLASH. 
Customer: C D space backslash.  
_____  

Tech Support: Now we need to check the communications driver. In Program Manager, click on File and select Run. 
Customer: I don't have anything that says "Run". 
Tech Support: What do you have at the very top of the Window? 
Customer: Program Manager. 
Tech Support: Good. And what is right beneath that? 
Customer: Main, Accessories, Applications-- 
Tech Support: No, no. What do you see between the bar where it says "Program Manager" and those boxes? 
Customer: Nothing. 
Tech Support: Ok, do you see that white bar underneath the Program Manager bar? 
Customer: Yes. 
Tech Support: Good. What's on the far left of that bar? 
Customer: It says "File". 
Tech Support: All right, click on File and select Run. 
Customer: It's asking me if I want to exit Windows. Do I click on OK? 
Tech Support: Click on Cancel. Now, click of File and then click on Run. 
Customer: It brought up a box with "Program Item" and "Program Group" in it. Which one do you want? 
Tech Support: Click on Cancel. Click on File and hit "R" on the keyboard. 
Customer: There's no "R" in the list. 
Tech Support: On the keyboard there should be an "R" key. 
Customer: Oh, yes. 
Tech Support: Press it. 
Customer: Now it's asking for a "Command Line". 
Tech Support: Good. Type "sysedit", s-y-s-e-d-i-t, and hit Enter. 
Customer: I don't see Enter. Do you want me to click on "OK"? 
Tech Support: That'll work. 
Customer: It says it couldn't find the file. 
Tech Support: Let's try it again: S...Y...S...E...D...I...T. 
Customer: S...Y...F...E...C...I...V. 
Tech Support: No, no. Sysedit is in system editor. 
Customer: S...Y...S...T...E...M... 
Tech Support: No. Just sysedit. S...Y...S...E...D...I...T. 
Customer: Ok, that brought up a window with four windows inside it. 
Tech Support: Good. Bring up the system.ini window. 
Customer: How do I do that? 
Tech Support: Close the first window, the autoexec.bat. 
Customer: Ok. 
Tech Support: Now close the config.sys window. 
Customer: I can't. I guess I closed the wrong window. The only window I have now is Program Manager.  

Fast forward about five minutes to when Sysedit is finally up and the system.ini is being displayed. However, the user is unable to find the comm.drv line in 14 attempts of going down the list line by line for the first 12 lines. The other techs have been listening to this and are almost on the floor laughing.  

Tech Support: Ok, click on Search and select Find. 
Customer: I don't see Search.  

Yep, you guessed it. Repeat the whole File->Run routine right down to being unable to type in "comm" in the search-for line. Almost 10 minutes more to find the line -- seventh line down.  

Tech Support: What does the line read? 
Customer: "comm.drv=rhodsi.drv"  

Bingo! Home stretch now. Have the user comment out that line and put in Windows' driver back.  

Tech Support: Now exit out of Windows and restart. 
Customer: Windows won't start. It says something about a device driver.  

I'm grateful now for using SysEdit. Restore the backup SysEdit automatically makes. Try changing the line using DOS Edit three times. Each time is the same -- device driver error.  

Tech Support: Type "copy system.syd system.ini" and hit Enter. 
Customer: Ok. 
Tech Support: Type "win" and hit Enter. 
Customer: It's starting. 
Tech Support: You should be set then.  
 

E-O-F