How to be a Moron
When at the CinemaGoing to the movies is not only great fun, it is also the perfect place to practice your skills as a moron. Like busses you have a captive audience when you see a film, but you also have the added bonus due to the fact that people are attempting to enjoy themselves. If you can irritate the people around you and generally spoil their evening then you get a big gold star for being a moron.First you will need to purchase a ticket. Ticket cues at cinema's can get awfully long, especially when a big box office hit is showing. Long queues give you a perfect opportunity for moronity. Starring at the "Now Showing" boards and movie posters will often leave you standing still while the queue is advancing away from you. Don't be perturbed by the grunts and complaints of the people behind you - you wouldn't want to get to the box office and not know what film it is you wish to see. Checking your wallet or purse constantly is also a great way to hold up a queue.
Now that you've made it to the front of the queue you will want to check that the film you're about to pay for is actually worth seeing. The poor bored cinema employee is usually more than willing to tell you all about the film showing and will also discuss at great length any other film you wish to talk about. They work at a cinema so you can assume that they love movies, are extremely knowledgeable about films and will be impressed with your endless knowledge of movie trivia. Unless you spend at least 10 minutes chatting to the ticket seller you really aren't getting your money's worth.
After this discussion you should get them to tell you the session times to each to the movies showing - even if you don't wish to see a film it may still be useful to know when it is showing. Do not assume that the boards have the right session times; Always check just in case. Once you have established which film and which session you are going to see you can finally purchase the ticket. If you tell the ticket seller that you are only 13 years old you can get in for half price. A lengthy argument about the fact that you don't look 13 will usually result in you getting the half price ticket - so don't back down if the ticket seller starts to get aggressive.
Popcorn and a soft drink are always a must when seeing a film. Use the usual tactics to slow down the line when buying popcorn and spend your time trying to figure out the best deal. Often if you actually calculate the individual prices of each item you can get a better idea of how much you can save on the package deals. The real trick here is to barter for the items you want when you get to the counter. Swap that Large coke for a small coke and a chocolate bar and scam yourself an upgrade to a large popcorn with unused supermarket coupons. You will be surprised how often this works, so once again - don't get put off if they start getting stroppy with you. Perseverance is the key!
Loaded up with you goodies it's time to find the cinema. This can be tricky so in true moron style you should ignore all signs and just start asking people. It's very important when asking people for directions - or indeed for anything - that you not neglect your reasons for wanting this information and a complete rundown on your day (or even your life) so far. Never come straight out with the question as this may seem rude. Your fellow human upon hearing all about the trials and tribulations of you life to this point will be not only more willing to help you but will also understand why it is so important that they do so.
Once you have found the correct cinema you can now find that perfect seat. Dead middle of the cinema is obviously the best spot so you must sit there. Spend at least five minutes walking around so you can best judge where the dead centre is. Pace the isles and count the rows. when you have found the magic seat then you must sit there. Persuade anyone else already sitting there why it is so important that you sit there instead of them. I find that a 20 minute rundown will usually have people vacating not only my seat, but also those around it for a good couple of spaces. These extra seats are great for your drinks, popcorn, chips, chocolate and other possessions. If others feel like sitting there then either ignore them or tell them that you are saving the seat for a friend.
After this the rest of the cinema-moron experience is pretty straight forward. Laugh loudly at anything remotely funny or for that matter anything not at all funny. Make sure that your mobile phone is turned on because you wouldn't want to miss an important call would you? It is also very important that you not worry about getting up to go to the toilet if you need to, research has shown that holding it in can do liver damage - I suggest that you go at least 4 times while watching a movie. Other than that just enjoy yourself as much as you can! Put you feet up, chew loudly and burp or fart as you see fit. Those around you will understand that you are a connoisseur of fine films and are merely having a good time!
