on Public Transport
Busses, Trains, Taxi's, Trams or Rickshaws. Morons flock to these like geeks to a Gillian Anderson porn page (I actually just stuck that analogy in to increase the number of hits this page gets!). Here's a perfect opportunity to inflict your stupidity upon dozens of people all at once. And what's more - They can't escape you!Public transport equals Captive Audience
Bus stupidity differs from other forms of transport stupidity in a few subtle ways. Firstly you are standing on a public street and not on a train platform. This allows you to not only be a moron towards others waiting for a bus but also towards people just going about their business. Since busses offer the most opportunity for being a moron I will concentrate on them alone. Adapt whatever measures you can for other forms of transport.
Here is where a true moron will really shine, where a great idiot will be shown for the fool they truly are! You are surrounded by grumpy, hot, tired people that you don't know. Most are either on their way to work and unhappy to be doing so or returning home, frustrated that they had to go to work at all. Tempers are short and tolerances for stupidity are almost non-existent. Go for it tiger!
Be sure to avoid standing with the group of people queuing near the actual stop, try to block the sidewalk so the general public have to ask you to move so they can pass. This is a great opportunity interact with people so don't pass it up. If you stare down the street to see if any busses are coming you can pretend not to hear any requests to move. This will usually result in passers by having to physically push past you.
Bags are another great opportunity to block the side walk. Don't just place them at your feet. They can be far more effective if placed to one side further blocking any passageways.Be sure to place your bag just far enough away to block peoples paths but not far away enough to allow them to brush between you and your bag.
Large Bulging bags are a Moron's greatest asset.
Also be sure not to waste your time while waiting for a bus. You should study the timetable in detail while checking your watch to see when the next bus will come. It is extremely important that you read the entire table thoroughly, so if there is anybody in the way of it ask them to move so you can have a really good look. Don't trust the timetable entirely however. They are often wrong. You will usually find someone waiting at a bus stop that is reading a book. Book readers are friendly and knowledgeable. Interrupt this person's reading and ask them if they know how long the bus will be.
Now that the ice is broken you can continue to talk to the book reader until the bus arrives. Tell them why you are waiting for a bus, where you are going, how you got to the bus stop, any past anecdotes you may have concerning waiting for busses. You may also want to talk about the weather, your haemorrhoids, your pets, any boring books you may have once read, the fact that you can't read on busses as you get sick, the fact that busses are never on time, what you did on the weekend or any other trivial fact that comes to mind.
The trick here is not to let the person continue reading. You are much more interesting than that persons book and you need to make them realise it! Ad lib, lie, embellish and prattle. Before you know it your bus will have arrived and you will have made a new friend. Don't get discouraged if they seem to ignore you and continue trying to read their book. This is a front! The reader is just shy and a little jealous that they don't have great stories to tell like you do.
Now that the bus is here you will need to get on it as quickly as you can. Push past anyone in your way so you can get on first. Never purchase a pre-paid ticket as this will only rob you of an opportunity to become friends with the driver. Pre-paid tickets are designed to streamline bus travel, but they turn people into sheep and hurry everyone on removing the human touch. You should explain this to the driver before you purchase your ticket. Drivers enjoy talking to the passengers as it get quite lonely driving around all day.
Never just tell the driver where you are going. Explain in detail most of the route you intend to take to make sure he knows where he is going. Then describe the place you intend to go without actually including street names or business names. It is the job of the bus driver to know every street in the city and the colours of the houses on them. If he claims not to know you must persist as he is just being lazy.
Now that you have established where you are going you can buy a ticket. Always keep your purse or wallet at the bottom of your bag and never - I repeat - never get you money ready before you actually need it. Even if you have been standing on the street for twenty minutes do not prepare by getting your money or ticket ready. Someone could rob you if you have it in your hand. Other passengers will understand that you are just being cautious and will wait patiently for you to find your money and pay the driver.
Unlike supermarkets, busses are not a good place for small change. Large bills are best when buying a ticket that costs only a few dollars. You should always carry a $50 note with you to give to the bus driver when purchasing a ticket worth 60c. If he gets angry it is only because he is jealous that you have so much money as bus drivers are generally poor.
With your ticket in your hand you can now make your way to a seat. Take your time in choosing a seat as you will be going on a harrowing journey and will need a good seat if you're to survive. Notice how bus seats are particularly long. This extra width is for you to put your bag on. A lot of people think that this is for another person to use, but it is much better for all concerned if you place you bag on the seat next to you. Ignore any requests to move it, your bag has rights as well! If you are forced to give up the seat next to you then you can just place your bag in the isle. Don't worry, no-one will trip over it.
Once again you now have a fabulous opportunity to make new friends. Remember - you are a fascinating person. Any little thing you have to say will be listened to with great interest by anyone in earshot so talk loud and talk constantly. Again, book readers make great listeners as they love to hear stories.
There are various other things that can keep you occupied whilst on a bus. Here a few items to choose from:
Once again you will need to adapt to the situation you are in. Try not to think on you feet. Actually, if you try not to think at all you should do fine.Announce each stop to the entire bus in case people don't know where to get off.
Change seats constantly throughout the journey.
Sing an obscure song in a key that only you have heard of.
Take you shoes of and air your socks out the window.
Push the buzzer at every stop in case someone misses their stop.
Ask the driver if this is your stop every 30 seconds.
Eat something that is either noisy or pungent.
Read a broadsheet newspaper when the bus is crowded.
Fall asleep using the person next to you as a pillow.
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