Miles from Home:  Journeying as a Couple

As I look back on the last year, I suddenly realize just how far we have come, my sweet love and I. We have traveled many miles, both figuratively and literally, in the process of fulfilling his lifelong dream. He started his Hormone Replacement Therapy in May and had his Chest Reconstruction surgery in October. Being able to transition, taking his first shot of testosterone on his 45th birthday was the final culmination of a 30-year desire to transition to male. I can only say that his happiness is immeasurably "worth it". To enable a loved one to access to anything that they have always longed for brings a satisfaction that is very, very sweet.

While my meanderings in the "trans" community have led me over a lot of varied terrain in these past couple of years, I think that now I am finally coming home to an area of comfort that I never have really had before…not really. Despite reassurances to the contrary, I have felt very uncomfortable in both the lesbian and the trans communities throughout the transition process. Just as many husbands get "sympathy pains" during their wives' labor and delivery, I have felt that in many ways I was *right there" with Sam in feeling like I didn't know quite where I fit into these various communities. With the help of friends in both camps, I am overcoming that now, but it took time and a lot of supportive reassurance. Their kindness has helped me to overcome the hostility and venom I experienced at times in both camps, but most vociferously from the FTMs themselves.

The misogyny in the FTM community is rampant. It seems to be more openly and frequently displayed than in any heterosexual milieu I have ever experienced. It is pure hate…and has been exhibited in many forms…some of which I have personally experienced…others I have only been told about…but I believe the womyn who tell me these things. They have no reason to lie at this point. From mockery to death threats, the hatred for womyn cannot be easily explained away or excused on the pretext that these guys are overcompensating for having been born to a female body when that is not what fits them best. No…this kind of hatred is usually reserved for the "other"…the hatred exhibited by KKK members for African-Americans…the hatred shown to transsexuals by ignorant bigots…the murderous rage that all too often is in the news as a homicide case. That is the quality of hostility that is apparent in many of the posts to the mailing lists frequented by FTMs online.

At first, it really upset me. I could not understand how people who have been and are the victims of such terrible discrimination and bigotry can themselves fall into the very practices that often make their lives less than pleasant. Then I realized that this situation was not unlike many other situations in which victims of violence see only two choices: victim or perpetrator. These folks have chosen the latter.

At this juncture, I have to say that I have met very few FTMs in real time…probably seven real FTMs all told. I hesitate to pass judgment on other human beings individually, so I won't, but I do think it is fair to generally characterize groups, so I will. I do not hesitate to say that the hostility I have witnessed online does indeed translate to real time in some instances, though admittedly not in all. I am a strong womon. I have opinions and verbalize them. Many men cannot tolerate that…the same goes for FTMs. After all, they are just men. Period. They just happened to have been born to a female body.

Despite having been enculturated into the female role to one degree or another, every FTM is different from every other FTMs. Yes, folks…here comes the cute little snowflake analogy. But it is true - regardless of what population subset any of us may belong to, we exhibit our own unique personality traits within that context. FTMs are no exception to this rule. Some absorbed societal conditioning that is deemed appropriate behavior for women: sensitivity, empathy, communication skills, nurturing behaviors. Some did not. To find some that are not very nice people is, then, not surprising. Just don't ever say that in the company of an FTM or SO in an online context…if you do you are risking the ire of the lunatic fringe who, unfortunately, tends to dominate the Internet trans community.

I fully believe that most folks who transition go on with their lives…quietly living in whatever milieu they find comfortable whether that is an LGBT framework or as in a "stealth" existence. In any case, I think the majority of trans-couples have normal lives like the rest of the human beings on earth. There are, of course, those who feel that they have been called to activism and advocacy on the part of the trans community, and in many cases that is a noble calling. However there are those who fall prey to egotistical, star-tripping behavior as a result of being in the spotlight…something that they have, perhaps, never experienced before. This is a frequently observed phenomenon on the local level as well.

All of this came together to place me in a very uncomfortable position with regard to my beloved Sam. I wanted very much to be a supportive as possible throughout transition and beyond, but at the same time, I was struggling…no…drowning in a sea of online and real-time misogyny. I was tolerating a lot of insulting, arrogant, condescending behavior from FTMs that I would never have tolerated from bio-males. I was in a real dilemma regarding how I could remain supportive to Sam and keep my boundaries and self-respect concerning these folks with whom interacting was far less than pleasant. I tried. Goddess knows I tried. I put up with misogyny in my presence that I have not tolerated in 23 years. Then I could just tolerate no more.

I think the final straw came when we traveled to a little city not too awfully far away for an overnight stay and get-together with the local group the following day. The drive there was not too bad, but we are both "allergic" to traffic jams, and apparently this little town has a terrible problem with updating their roads. At any rate, we spent some trying times creeping along just to get to their house. When we finally arrived, we were both exhausted and, shall we say, less than happy campers.

But we got there, unloaded the car…and started to settle in to the greeting routine, both couples catching up on the other's lives. This couple had just come back from a wedding, and the FTM was busily telling Sam all about their trip. I busied myself in the bedroom, unpacking a few things…trying to make some sense of our few belongings. I was terribly tired of traveling at this point. This was our sixth trip in nine months - mostly trans-related trips, and I am not overly fond of travel in my middle age. I spent many years traveling in my late teens and early to mid-twenties. Let's just say I got the travel bug out of my system then…and no longer enjoy road trips as I once did.

When I finished and freshened up a bit, I went to the kitchen to get a glass of iced tea and see what the guys were doing. In the course of telling the tale of the wedding, I noticed the other fellow made several denigrating references with regard to the women that had been there. From the bride's mother to the maid of honor to the bridesmaids and friends, he had something negative to say about almost every woman that had been there. I let it pass. He then began reiterating a supposed soliloquy given at some point by the bride herself about how spoiled and self-centered many online FTMSOs (partners of FTMs) are…how they "whine" and "complain" about their partner's transition…and how they try to hog the spotlight, making false claims that the transition is "theirs too". I had had my fill.

I have high blood pressure, and I began to see stars right about that time. I took a deep breath…I counted to ten. I tried to breathe evenly. I really didn't want to alienate this fellow. I wanted Sam to be able to participate in this group if that's what he chose to do. I knew that if this guy did not stop pretty soon, I was going to say things that would make him angry. So, I drew in my breath and let him know that I would prefer to change the subject. He insisted he was just "telling you what she said". I asked him to find something else to talk about…and he blew up and ran out of the room. I was shaking visibly by this time. The next 24 hours were spent in a very uncomfortable situation in which I literally went from room to room trying to avoid this guy. The big dinner that was planned for the next day had been spoiled…and although I met some very nice people the next day, I was so tense I could not enjoy their company.

When his SO and I discussed the issues, she said she could see my point, but she never admitted that to him in my presence. Because of that, I felt no support whatsoever from her. The physical aspects of transition are indeed Sam's and his alone, but the rest of the process is something that is so intimately intertwined in both of our lives that it is absolutely insensitive to say or imply that it is basically none of my business - which is definitely the message I received that day.

Let me ask you something...when a married woman is pregnant, does it affect her husband? Is there any way in the world she could possibly justify saying that it's *her* pregnancy and for him to mind his own business? If it's not my transition, then why do I take care of Sam when he is sick from surgery? Why do I have to help pay the bills for doctor's visits, medications, surgery, travel expenses, etc., etc.? If it's not my transition, then I should be able to just la-la through all of this without having any additional responsibilities...nothing could be further from the truth.

I have received nothing but gratitude from Sam...from a kind heart and a willing spirit...a better guy doesn't exist on the face of this earth. We had been together *eight years* before Sam even started talking about transitioning. We are going on eleven years together now...and *everything* we do, we do together. For nearly five years in the early part of our relationship, I was blind. I had to learn to travel with a white cane. I was deathly ill and was repeatedly hospitalized numerous times with respiratory complications of my autoimmune disease. I nearly died over and over again. The bills were horrendous...the stress was nearly unbearable...did it affect Sam? Yes! Was he a part of my disease process (in terms of family dynamics)? Yes! If anyone had said to him that it was none of his business, I would seriously have considered calling the Department of Human Services Mental Health Division to get hir committed. It affected him deeply in many, many ways.

For *anyone* to say that Sam's transition process is his alone truly fails to understand *anything* about our relationship or our lives together...and I have serious doubts about their ability to empathize with another human being - period. And while I realize that this is not the case with every couple, it is most assuredly the case with many. To make assumptions either way is grossly unfair and insensitive. The significant others of transsexual persons are often forgotten even within the trans community. And although some efforts are being made on the part of community leaders to be more inclusive with regard to SO/FFAs (Significant Others/Friends, Family, and Allies), much remains to be done to help those who are supportive and to educate those who are not. This support and education can only be done in an atmosphere of kindness and intelligent discourse, not from a defensive position of justification for attitudes that promote divisiveness and misunderstanding. It is my fervent hope that by writing this I can in some small way help those who read this to remember to pause and think about their own relationships, families, and communities - online or real time - and endeavor to increase communication and support among all facets of the trans community.