Step 1 : Arrange
intimate times together, don't take them for granted.
Sexual play can start with
innuendo in the morning for activity in the evening. A lot of sexual pleasure
is created by anticipation. A midday phone call, flowers sent to the office,
a love note expressing your eagerness to be together -- all increase your
sexual energy level.
Step 2 :
Make "sex dates," and stop waiting for spontaneity.
Most of us see spontaneity
go out the window when household and career responsibilities show up. The
reality is that people who are newly sexual usually "plan" having sex.
As they dress for the evening, and plan their time, they allow for, and
even arrange situations for sexual contact. Do you remember the days when
you changed the sheets on the bed because you knew you'd be having sex?
Much early sexual contact between couples isn't spontaneous at all.
Step 3 :
Think about activities that lead to sex.
You can arrange to have sex
now, just as you did back then. Perhaps a romantic prelude is in order...a
quiet dinner for two, or a walk on the beach. Having a large meal before
sex can take the fun out of it. Think ahead. Often aerobic activity like
walking or dancing will energize you and make sexual contact more appealing.
Step 4 :
Use your imagination.
Fantasize freely. If you are
bold, share your fantasies with your partner, either before going to bed
or during love making. Ask directly for what you want, either in a note
or in person. Make a list of all the things you will NOT do. Encourage
your partner to initiate things that aren't on your list and try to have
fun with what happens. Experiment and watch your desire grow.
Step 5 :
Make a list of sexual preferences in the form of a menu.
Include appetizers (foreplay),
main course (intercourse or acts leading to orgasm) and dessert (afterplay).
Exchange filled-out menus with your partner. Such a metaphor as the menu
gives couples a vehicle for exploring their wants and desires. Completing
a sexual menu makes it easier to communicate verbally with your partner
later.
Step 6 :
Experiment.
Plan something new with your
partner every now and then. Carry it through even if it makes you a little
uncomfortable. This will increase your repertoire and appetite. Allow yourself
the option of stopping at any time if you get too uncomfortable.
Step 7 :
Play with one another.
Have sexual play leading to
orgasm without intercourse. Learn to focus on other aspects of intimacy
-- using all five senses. Practice touching each other differently. Ask
what kinds of touching, and where your partner prefers to be touched. When
you get asked a similar question, answer it honestly, without avoiding,
criticizing, or making reference to past events. Just answer the question.
Slower, faster, lighter, harder, more to the right, more to the left --
these are the kinds of directions that can be helpful.
Step 8 : Be
generous.
If you are receiving directions,
don't expect that tomorrow your partner will want the exact same kind of
stimulation. Just as people change from day to day in their intensity of
orgasm, it is quite normal to be more or less sensitive from one day to
the next. Gently ask for directions if you aren't getting the kind of response
you expect. Accommodate as much as possible.
Step 9 :
Notice your reactions.
Focus on your own feelings
and share them with your partner, so you won't lose the focus of your own
body. If you are both concentrating on what you are "doing to" the other,
your efforts will cancel each other out. Focus on what creates positive
sensations for you. Tell your partner exactly what to do to make it increase.
Avoid double statements that include a positive but end on a negative:
"It feels good when you hold me tight, but when you squeeze the life out
of me I just want to scream." Stay with the positive. Get a good couple's
communications book, and practice any exercises that look useful.
Step 10 : Do
some research together.
Sit down together and leaf
through a sexual manual that presents different sexual activities and positions.
This will give you both new ideas and help you to feel comfortable with
your sexuality. Sharing this input becomes a catalyst for discussion. If
you can communicate sexually, you will be able to communicate on any level.
Step 11 : Be
flexible.
Allow yourself and your partner
to either have an orgasm or not. Orgasms are not mandatory; the goal of
making love is mutual pleasure. Whatever gives you pleasure is enough.
If one of you is not well or too tired for an orgasm, stop. If being held
is your idea of pleasure, ask for it. If your partner insists that you
give him or her an orgasm, and you don't feel up to it, kindly ask them
to take care of themselves and plan another time to try again. Be sure
to keep your next sex date. If you keep turning your partner down, take
the time to look at the problem seriously.
Step 12 : Get
the big picture.
Understand that what happens
in your relationship is a generally reflected in the bedroom. If your relationship
is in trouble, difficulties will frequently show up in the bedroom. If
your partner avoids having heart-to-heart talks with you in the relationship;
you might find yourself feeling a lack of his/her presence during lovemaking.
You might end up feeling like you just had sex when you wanted to make
love. Talk about the difference and see what happens.
Step 13 :
Get help.
If you can't make these suggestions
work, seek out a psychotherapist who works with sexual issues. Most sex
therapy only requires a few sessions if you don't have a problem history.
Having a rich sexual life is healthy, and worth the effort it takes to
create.