Memoirs Of An Unknown Poet:
Memoirs To Longview
by Joseph C. Hinson

         I left Memphis not sure where I was going.  I really wanted to see Terrie.  With her, you always knew where you stood.  She didn’t ask a lot from me and I didn’t ask a lot from her.  But at the same time, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with anyone right now.  I thought about where I could do some rail photography.  Chicago seemed interesting.  I could even in some games at Wrigley.  I had never been to New York.  That thought immediately led me to remember Loretta.  New York was out.
         I also felt like I needed some familiarity where ever I went.  That also took care of Chicago.  I stopped at a convenience store just outside of Memphis.  I could head west, I reasoned.  Little Rock came to mind.  It was a nice little town, had a big railroad shop on the Union Pacific.
         But I would also be able to see the motel we stayed at on our seminar from the interstate heading into town.  Little Rock was out.  And Kansas City was a little too far to drive since I would then have to hit the east coast.  New Orleans would have sounded enticing under other circumstances.
         What I really wanted to do was drive back to my apartment and barricade myself inside for a few weeks.  Maybe I would write, but probably I’d just sit in front of the TV and vegetate.
         Damn Stacie, damn Gregg, damn me.  Damn someone!
         I didn’t what to think, so I decided not to think at all.  I pointed the car east and drove.  I made it to Asheville that night, then got a hotel room.  I decided I would make up my mind the next morning where I would go.  My mind was a blank.  I didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to sleep, didn’t want to think.
         What I wanted was to wake up in my own bed and know what I wanted to do with my life.  What I wanted was to be to forget about Stacie and move on.
         But I loved her.
         But she was married.
         I had to face the fact that it was never in the cards for us to be together.  If I had realized this sooner, maybe I would have enjoyed our short time together more instead of trying to convince her to leave her husband.
         No matter what I thought of Gregg, I should have thought of his kids.  They had to be a part of this equation too, I told myself.  But I couldn’t convince myself of any of this.  If Stacie had been truly happy, we never would have became involved with one another.  Unless what he had said was true.  Maybe this wasn’t the first time this had happened.  I rolled over in my uncomfortable hotel bed, closed my eyes tight and tried to forget everything and get a few hours of sleep.

        It always felt a little odd to knock on their door.  For most of my life, I had my own key.  I could just walk in.  But now, it wasn’t my house.  Mom came to the door all smiles.  “We were pleased when you called from Spartanburg.  We thought it would be later tonight by the time you got here.  How was the trip?”
         “It was fine, Mom.  Long and tiring, but otherwise it was fine.  Where’s the old man?  Work?”
         “He’s at the office, but he’s got a short day.  I hope you don’t think I’m running out on you.  But I have to show a house in thirty minutes. A lawyer and his family are moving down from Charlotte.  Let me show you to your room.  Can I help you with your things?”
         “No, you go do what you have to do.  I’ll get my things in.  Then I think I’m going to try to get in touch with some old friends.”
         I would her to her car.  She hugged me in the way I imagine she hugs her friends, without hardly touching and with little meaning.  On the other hand, she never hugged me at all until after I moved to Memphis.  I went back inside and started making phone calls.  No one was home.  I left Scott and Dana messages, then sat at the kitchen table with a glass of ice tea.  Mom always made the best tea.
         I thought about checking my voice mail in Memphis.  Maybe Stacie had called.  I picked up the phone and instead called a number I still remembered from heart.
         “Amanda?  I wasn’t sure you would be there.  This is Ray.”
         “Ray!  Where are you?”
         “I’m home,” I said, then caught myself.  “I mean I’m in Longview, at Mom and Dad’s house.  I didn’t catch you at a bad time, did I?”
         “No.  Susan was just here on her lunch.  We were going over the seating arrangements.  Ray?”
         “Uh-huh.”
         “You will be at my wedding, won’t you?”
         “Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I said.  “That’s one of the reasons I’m back in town.”
         “Ray, that’s so great.  Matt’s going to be there.  Scott and Dana and their wives.  I’m not sure about Neal.  The last time I talked to him he wasn’t sure he’d be able to come down.”
         “Oh.  What’s he doing now?”
         “He’s going to law school in New York,” she reported.  “He said something about going to school for the next fifteen years or something.”
         “How is he doing?” I asked.  “I’ve wanted to get in touch with him, but I figure he wouldn’t like that.”
         “He’s doing fine, I think.  Said he’s dating someone up there.”
         I nodded.  I wanted to press for more details, but thought maybe I would do that later.  “Listen, I just got into town.  Have you had lunch?  I thought I’d treat at the Hurricane.”
         “Actually, I do need to take a break.  Susan is about to leave.  Can you be here in thirty minutes?”

         She looked good, I thought, as she met me on the front porch in a white blouse and old jeans.  The last time I saw her was on this porch as I was leaving for Memphis.  I tried not to think too much about that.
         We hugged hello, then she looked at my hair.  “I like it,” she said, assuming, it seemed, that a lot of people didn’t.  “Not too sure about the side burns though.  I bet your mother loved the look.”
         I laughed.  “Actually, she didn’t have time to say anything the few minutes that I saw her today.  But she usually just looks me over, groans, and then that’s it.”
         Amanda stepped into the house to get her purse, then she locked the door and we headed toward the Cherokee.
         “You look good,” she said.  “The time in Memphis has been kind to you.”  She paused while we climbed into the Jeep.  “What’s her name?”
         “What’s whose name?” I said.
         “You must have met someone out there.  I can see it on your face.”
         I backed slowly out of her driveway and headed toward the Blue Hurricane.  “I did meet someone,” I said.  “But it wasn’t meant to be.”
         She gave me a long searching look.  “It still hurts, doesn’t it?”
         “Yeah.  I just recently realized it was a losing game between she and I.”
         “You know, Susan just broke up with a guy…”
         “Thank you, Amanda,” I said.  “But I don’t need to be fixed up.”
         “Well, if you change your mind…”
         “I’m not going to change my mind,” I said, maybe a little too abruptly.  “I mean, I’m still hung up over this last relationship.  I’d be no good to anyone right now.  I’m no good to myself right now.”
         She gave me a long searching look.  “Of course, Susan isn’t the best person one could be fixed up with anyway…”
         We turned into the Hurricane parking lot.  I almost expected to see Neal’s motorcycle in his usual space.  We got out of the Jeep and walked in.  It was just like I remembered it.  I even recognized a few of the faces.  We took a table in the corner and ordered our meals.  I was somewhat surprised that she ordered a beer.  I didn’t realize she drank.
         “So tell me about this guy.”
         “This guy?” she said with a smile.  “This guy who I am about to spend the rest of my life with?”
         “Yeah, him.”
         She dug through her purse until she found a photograph of both of them together.  I was struck at how bad the photographer was.  They were basically standing in the shadow in front of a building I guessed was in Chapel Hill.  “His name is David and he’s a great guy.  We both just graduated from UNC.  He majored in business.
“We met not long after you moved to Memphis.  I think it was a week after I went back to school.  We just clicked.  I think I knew we were going to be together not long after that.”
         I swallowed hard, thinking of Stacie.  I brought myself back to the present.  “We’re moving to Virginia.  He has a job offer in Roanoke.  My mother is moving back to Norfolk when she retires.  That’s where I wanted to go to, but it wasn’t to be.  I can find a job anywhere.”
         “He sounds like a good guy.”
         “He is,” Amanda said, beaming.
         “Well, I’m happy for you,” I said, raising a beer mug to toast her.
         “Oh!  I totally forgot!  I saw that picture you took of… of…” she paused while trying to come up with a name.  “That politician guy…”
         “Clinton.”
         “Who?”
         “Bill Clinton.  He’s the governor of Arkansas.”
         “That’s cool,” Amanda said, clearly uninterested in who he was.  “So what are you now?  A writer or a photographer?”
         I groaned.  “Who says I have to be one or the other?  I guess from a strictly technical stand point, I’m a photographer since I’ve been paid for that.  But I’ve been writing since I can remember.  I have two manuscripts in the can and another on the way.  But either way, I call myself a freelance writer/photographer on my business cards.”
         “So you hope to go somewhere with this?”
         “Definitely,” I said.  “You should see some of my stuff sometime.”  All of which was in Memphis, I realized.
 We chatted casually for the rest of the lunch, then I took her back to her mother’s house.  She was tired and needed a nap, she said, before David came by later that afternoon.

         There were boxes everywhere.  The walls were empty.  Dad was moving offices?  I wondered if Mom had finally talked him into buying into one of those new complexes forever popping up on the edge of town.
         “Son, I was wondering if you were in town yet.  How are you?”
         “I’m great.  I got in a few hours ago.  I ran into Mom at the house, but she was about to head out.  So I took Amanda out to lunch.  Anyway, what’s going on here?”
         Dad smiled.  “Well, an old man has to retire sometime.  It’s been a long time since I got up early and went fishing instead of coming to the office.”
         “Dad, you haven’t fished a day in your life?”
         “That’s not true.  Up until the time I went to medical school, I fished religiously.  When your mother agreed to be my wife, one of the stipulations was that I would lose my religion.  It was worth it.”
         “So you’re leaving the profession to fish?”
         Dad smiled.  “The stipulation still stands.  No, your mother and I hope to travel and spend more time with one another.  We’re not as young as we once were, you know.  I’ll be 62 in the fall.”
         “So where is the first place you’re going?”
         “We haven’t decided.  I’m leaning toward an Alaskan cruise.  But enough about me, how are things with you?”
         “They’re all right.  My first year of school went well.  I didn’t make below a B+.  That’s not including my photojournalism school last year.  Not sure if that certificate is worth anything though.”
         “Your mother still beams when someone mentions that they’ve seen your photographs somewhere,” Dad said.  “Do you have any other shots coming out?”
         “Just one or two railroad shots, I think.”
         “You know, I was talking to the editor of the paper here in town.  I believe they have a position coming open.”  He said this with a smile, as if I would move back to Longview.
         There was a knock on the door and a nurse I did not recognize poked his head in the door.  “Doctor, your two o’clock is in room 2.”
         “Thanks, Marty.  I’ll be right there.”  Then to me.  “Be around the house at six this evening.  We’re taking you out for seafood at Hathoway’s.”  He patted me on the shoulder, then walked out of his office.  I went the back way to the parking lot where my Jeep was, still more than a little surprised.  I never thought Dad would retire, at least not until they wheeled him out on a stretcher.
         Once in my car, I put this out of mind.  I had a date with a train and I didn’t want to be late.  I got my cameras out of the back, made sure they were loaded for film and went out in search of the Longview and Caldwell.

         I had taken several rolls of film, chatted with the conductor about business on the L&C and was about to head for Mom and Dad’s when something caused me to want to check my voice mail messages.  I had almost been avoiding the thought of checking my messages, afraid that she would not have called, but also that she would have called.  I wasn’t sure what she might would say now after Gregg’s visit.
         Three hang-ups.  No messages.
         I went to Mom and Dad’s.

         “So, do they have barbers over there in Memphis?” Mom asked as we ate our meal.
         I half smiled/half grimaced.  “I’ll have you know I get my hair trimmed every three months.”
         “And you pay for these trims?” Dad asked, good naturedly.
         “Can we change the subject here?  When were y’all going to tell me Dad’s big news?”
         “When you came over for Amanda’s wedding,” Mom replied.  “Oh, that’s now.  Look.  We told you.”
 There was a trace of bitterness in her voice.  I wondered if she still resented the man for not selling out a long time ago.
         She decided to change the subject.  “I hear you had lunch with Amanda today?  How is she doing?”
         “She’s doing good, nervous and excited, but who wouldn’t be?  She seems to really be in love with this fellow.”
         “And he’s from the mountains?”
         “I think she said he’s from eastern North Carolina.  She didn’t say exactly and I didn’t ask.”
         “Well, we’re always happy when a young couple starts their life together,” Dad said.  “But I guess some people don’t need or want that for themselves.”
         I looked at him and he had this sly grin on his face.
         “I don’t know,” Mom said.  “We were grandparents once and we never saw the kid.  Maybe it’s best we not go down that road again.”
         Dad and I both stared at Mom, trying to gauge her facial expression.
         “I’m sorry,” she said.  “That just came out.  It’s just that it still hurts.  Everyday I think about what happened.”
         I just sat there.  I had tried to put that time period behind me.  It wasn’t that I wanted to forget my sister and nephew; I just didn’t want to remember how they died.
         After that, we couldn’t wait to get out of there.  None of us had much of an appetite anymore.  The ride back to the house in Mom’s Lexus was in silence.  I hoped neither of them suggested we rent a video or something.  Luckily, neither did and by the time I got home, I had decided to call Scott and Dana.

         “The man, the myth, the legend, we weren’t sure we’d ever see you again,” Dana said, as he climbed into my Jeep.  “What have you been doing over there in Tennessee?  Or maybe I should say who have you been doing?”
         “I’ve been a busy man, my friend.  School, photography… you know how it is.”
         I had picked him up and now we were just driving around.  Scott was at work on third shift..
         “Actually I don’t know how it is.  I work, I eat, I sleep, I fuss with my wife, I listen to my kid fuss…  It’s a pretty normal life.  But you’re out in Memphis living what I think must call a pretty good life.”
         I laughed.  “Oh, yeah, a pretty good life all right.  I eat, I sleep, I go to school.  Somewhere in the middle of that, I practice my hobby in the hopes that it will someday become my vocation.  My life is not all that you might think.”
         “I mean, I read the paper.  The Longview News ran your picture of Bill Clinton.  I also saw your picture of B.B. King and U2.”
         “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”  I already didn’t like where this was going.  “So how’s Kendra?”
         “She’s still a bitch, maybe more of one than she used to be.  But she’s my bitch, so it’s OK.”
         “Have you seen Sammy lately?”
         “We see him around some, try to avoid him for the most part though.  I think he got in some trouble with the police over selling cigarettes in Michigan that he bought in North Carolina."
         “What?!”
         “You have to remember that whenever I hear anything about Sammy, my ears glaze over.  But apparently he would buy a bulk of cigarettes in North Carolina where the taxes are much lower.  Then he would take them to Michigan and sell them at a profit where the taxes are higher.”
         “Is he in jail?”
         “I think he’s out on bail.  I really don’t know and don’t care.  My Sammy quota ran out right around the time of the party at your apartment.”
         “Some party,” I said.
         “Hey, have you seen Amanda since you got back?”
         “I’ve barely been back twelve hours.  Of course I’ve seen her.”
         “Do you have any regrets?”
         “Of seeing her?” I asked, knowing that’s not what he meant.  “Look, Dana, Amanda and I had our chance way back at Longview High.  For whatever reason, it didn’t work.  We’re different people now.  She’s about to be married to someone I think she obviously loves.  Let it go.”
         Naturally, he didn’t let it go.  “She told Madelin about the day you left town and the kiss on the porch.  Maddy told Scott and Scott told me.  But anyway…”
         “But anyway that was over two years ago.  We’ve moved on.”
         Finally, he let it drop.  We went to the Hurricane for a few drinks and to catch up.  Mostly, we talked about the Atlanta Braves.

         After I dropped him off, I checked voice mail.  One hang up.  One message from the editor at the Memphis Times.  She wanted me at the Nirvana concert next week.  I saved the message to remind myself to call her later.  I went to Mom and Dad’s and went straight to bed.
         The next morning I woke up early and had breakfast with Mom.  Dad was already at the office.  The breakfast consisted of toast and orange juice.  Mom never drank coffee.
         “So how did it go with your friends last night?”
         I rolled my eyes.  “If Scott acts the same way Dana did last night, I’m not sure I want to see him.”
         “People do change over the course of even a few years.  He could be saying the same thing about you.  Are the three of you still going to the wedding tomorrow?”
         “Yeah.  I don’t see why not.”
         She stood up and took her plate and cup into the kitchen.  In a moment, she was back.  “I don’t think I’ve said it yet, but it’s good having you back home, Ray.  Your father and I have both missed you.”
         “I’m glad to be back,” I said, realizing it wasn’t entirely true as I said it.
         “You know, I ‘m good friends with Mary Keller.  She’s publisher of the Longview News.  She says they have an opening there.”
         “Really?” I asked, feigning interest.
         “I’m sure she’d hire you right off.  It would be nice to have you back in Longview for good.”
         “But, Mom, I really like it out in Memphis.  I had even thought of moving further west.”
         “What in the world would make you want to get further away from home?  Where were you thinking of going?”
         “Colorado,” I announced, bracing myself for what was coming.
         “My God, Ray!  We barely see you now.  We’re not as young as we were either.  Please think this through before you do it.  Moving to Memphis was so out of the blue for you.  Please don’t move any further away from your father and me.  We want you to move back here, not go any further away from us than you already are.”
 I just looked at her for a moment.  This from a woman who didn’t even see me off when I did move to Memphis.  “OK, Mom.  I’ll think about it before I make any decision.”
         “Good,” she said, drying her hands off after washing them.  She hugged me without really touching me, then grabbed her purse and was gone.  I needed a drink.  I looked at the clock.  It was barely 9 a.m.
         I checked messages.  The editor of the Memphis Times had called again.  She wanted to cover the Nirvana concert at the Pyramid next week.  I decided I would be there.  I knew about the concert when I left for Longview.  Now all I wanted to do was to be in Memphis, to be able to sleep in my own bed.

         I was in Catawba, South Carolina, a small town where the Seaboard Airline and Southern Railway crossed.  Now the railroads had changed names and paint schemes.  I was listening to the scanner and knew a train was coming to do some switching moves at Bowater
         My mind wandered.
         Stacie.
         I thought about the night in Little Rock.  It was one of the best nights of my life.  In my mind, I knew it was morally wrong to sleep with a married woman.  But I also knew that she didn’t really consider herself married.
         Of course, the fact that I was able to explain my behavior away so easily is something that I could not have done at one point in my life.  But the simple matter of it was that I did not care.  It felt good.  It felt wonderful.  It felt like love.
         But obviously it had not been love.
         My mind went back to the confrontation with Gregg Cooper from a few days before.  What he said hadn’t sounded right.  But Stacie had not tried to get in touch with me since then.  I had to come to terms with the fact that it was over between us.
         I remembered all of the times I had tried to get her to leave Gregg.  It never made sense why she didn’t.  Maybe she loved him, I wondered.  Maybe everything she had done, from the nudes I took of her to the night in Little Rock, had been to make him jealous.  In other words, maybe she had never loved me at all.
         A day of chasing trains didn’t make me feel any better.  I had checked voice mail again.  All I got was a busy signal.  That meant voice mail was not working or my phone was disconnected for some reason.  I put it out of my mind.

         Mom made spaghetti for Dad and me that night.  After that, she had another house to show.  Dad and I watched Braves baseball.
         “Dad, if you don’t mind me saying, what’s wrong with Mom?”
         Dad looked puzzled.  “What?”
         “She’s being nice to me.  Something is definitely wrong.”
         He laughed out loud.  “Ray, you’re seeing in your mother what I saw in her all those years ago.  She’s a fine woman and she’s trying to bridge the gap that has existed between you two for the last few years."
         “And that’s all?”
         “What else could there be?”
         “I don’t know,” I replied.  “She’s not dying, is she?”
         His eyes got big and I thought he was about to stand up.  “Say again.”
         “Nothing.  I’m just trying to wrap my mind around her behavior lately.  She even wants me to move back to Longview.”
         “We both do.  Longview is your home and it’s time that you come back.”
         “Memphis feels a lot like home to me too.”  Which didn’t explain why I was thinking of moving to Colorado.
         “But your family, your friends, they’re all here.”
         I nodded.  There was no way to argue with a point like that.
         “I know it sounds like I’m trying to twist your arm behind your back.  It’s just that we miss you.  We’re proud of what you’ve accomplished out there.  But there’s no reason you couldn’t do the same thing here.  USC is a top notch school.  You could even go to USC-L for a semester or two.  There’s a long line of Edwards that do great things in and around Longview.  You should be next.”
         By this time, I was staring off into space.  I didn’t need or want this.  I had come back for the wedding of a friend.  And all I was getting so far was grief.
         The telephone rang.  Dad went to it.  I couldn’t hear what was being said, but I assumed it was his office.  When he rejoined me, I could tell he was about to leave.
         “Well, we can talk about this later.  I really want you to consider moving back.  It would mean so much to your mother and me.”
         “I’ll think about it, Dad,” I said.
         I walked him out to his car, then went back inside.  My head was spinning.  I had hoped for some down time from thinking too seriously about things.  Maybe if I had been thinking clearly, I would have seen between the lines and figured out what was really going on much sooner.

         Scott and I had lunch together at the Hurricane.  He had just gotten off work after working his second straight 12 hour shift.
         “I am bushed, Ray.  We’ve been working two or three 12 hour shifts every week for three months now.  I never see my kid or my wife.  I never see Dana.”  He stopped himself as he rubbed his eyes.  “But you don’t want to hear about that.  How have you been?”
         “Not bad.”
         “How’s Memphis treating you?”
         “Memphis is real nice, a lovely city, lots of trains.  What more could I ask?”
         “Have you met anyone out there?”
         I let out a long breath.  “Yeah, but it didn’t pan out.  It never does for me.”
         “It hasn’t yet,” Scott said.  “Hell, in a way, I wish I was more like you.  You have no one to tell you not to flip through the channels at night.  If you want to have pizza for dinner then for breakfast the next morning, you can have it.  You should enjoy it while you can.  Because it won’t always be like this.  Dana and I have actually talked about this before.  It’s not that we don’t love our wives.  We just wish we didn’t get married so soon after school.”
         “I guess we all live with regrets.”
         Scott looked at me strangely.  “And what’s you regret?”
         “I have many of them.  Where do you want me to start?”
         “Amanda?”
         “Oh, God,” I said, putting my head in my hands.  “Do I need to rent a billboard?  What do I need to do or say?  I’m over Amanda.  OK?  Got it?  It’s finished.  That was a long time ago.  We’re friends now.  I’m all right with that.  And she obviously is too.”
         “But what if she wasn’t?”
         “Then I’m guessing she wouldn’t be getting married this weekend.”
         “You would think that, wouldn’t you?  Well, now I’m starting to sound like Dana.  I didn’t mean to.  It really is nice to see you.”
         “It’s good to be back,” I said, not really meaning it.  “Can we promise not to talk about my life for the next few minutes?”
         Scott smiled.  “Not much to talk about then.”
         “You will be able to go to the wedding, right?”
         “Yeah, we’ll be there.  Amanda and Madelin became great friends over the last few years.  When they couldn’t get together or talk on the phone, they’d write letters back and forth.  Maddy wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
         We didn’t say anything for a few minutes.  I sat there thinking, a question forming in my mind.  “Is there really someone out there for everyone?  Is that a lie we should believe?  Maybe some people are meant to be alone.”
         “Ray, you’re feeling sorry for yourself.  Snap out of it!  You’ll find someone.  It might be awhile, but you’ll find someone.  If Sammy can find someone to stick through all the shit he puts her though, then I really do think there is someone out there for everyone.  Even you.”
         “The thing is, I did find someone.  She’s out in Memphis now.  I thought she was the one,” I said.  “I allowed myself to believe that I had found someone to be with.  But it wasn’t meant to be.”
         “Are you sure?”
         I didn’t answer for a moment.  “Positive,” I replied.
         “Then move on.  You’re not a bad looking guy.  Cut your hair, shave and get out there.  Get out in the field.  There’s still a lot of game to be played.”
         I sighed.  “Leave my hair out of this.  And besides, it’s too early for me to move on.  I didn’t realize it was over until right before I came back to South Carolina.”
         Scott shrugged.  This conversation wasn’t going anywhere.  “So, how ‘bout those Knicks?”
         After I dropped him off, I checked voice mail again.  Another busy signal.

         I didn’t think the wedding day was ever going to arrive.  It was hard to avoid everyone, especially Mom and Dad.  But I did my best.  They asked me if anything was wrong.  I played it off and said I was familiarizing myself with the area again.
         There were a lot of people at the wedding.  I didn’t know most of them.  Matt spoke to me from across the church with a really attractive brunette in tow.  I sat with my parents, Scott and Madelin and Dana and Kendra.  I felt like a fifth wheel.  Practically everyone there was half of a couple.
         I had an uneasy feeling.  I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.  Maybe it was that I hated weddings.  I’m sure Dana would say that it was because I hated this wedding.
         Finally, the ceremony started.  David was a nice looking fellow, short, cropped black hair.  A little short, but not too short.  There was something about him though.  I wasn’t sure what it was, but I doubted we would ever be friends.
         Amanda was walked down the aisle by an older man I did not recognize.  Her only family in Longview was her mother, so I suspected it was a man she knew from the church.  Her mother was crying on the first aisle.  David was watching her with an expression on his face that told me he was ready to get this over with.  I knew how he felt.  My tie seemed to be choking me.  I wondered how soon I could tear myself away from all of this and head back to Memphis.  Nothing sounded better to me at that moment then a long nights sleep in my own bed.
         The ceremony started and I zoned out.  I wondered what it may have been like if I was standing beside Amanda, if things had worked out between us in high school.  I shook the thought of and thought about Stacie.  I was still in love with her while at the same time I knew I had to move on.  And move on I would.  I did so after Loretta.
         The sound of the door opening in the back of the church startled me back to the present.  There was a little girl standing there in a pink, frilly dress.  She may have been three years old.  A woman was standing behind her wearing blue jeans and a t shirt.  From the look of her, was at least six months pregnant.
         Dana had spotted them too, but no one else seemed to be paying attention.
         “Who is that?” he asked.
         “I don’t know.  But something tells me, they weren’t invited.”
         I looked around the church.  A few others had taken notice of the woman and little girl at the back by now.  Amanda and David had not; the preacher was going through the service looking straight down at his bible.
         Finally he looked up and did a double take.  That caused David to look back.  His jaw dropped and his face turned white as a ghost.  The preacher noticed this and stopped in mid sentence.  This was going to get ugly.  Susan saw what was going on and tugged on Amanda’s elbow.  She motioned to the back of the church just as the little girl broke out into a run down the aisle.
         “Daddy, daddy,” she was screaming, obviously delighted.  She ran right up to David who swept her up in his arms though it looked like he wanted to run away.  Amanda just glared at him, then slapped him square across his face and ran out of the church.  Her mother and Susan quickly followed.  David put the girl down and tried to follow, but she wouldn’t let go of his legs.  Meanwhile, the woman at the back of the church was walking up to him.  When she got to where he was, she slapped him too, then picked up the little girl and walked out of the back of the church through the same door that Amanda and her mother had just flown through.
         The church let out a collective gasp as if everyone had been holding their breath through it all.
         I went to stand up, but Mom grabbed my elbow.  “Not yet,” she whispered.
         Scott leaned over Dana and Kendra and got my attention.
         “Did you know about this?”
         “I was about to ask you two that same question.”
         Both of them shook their head.  “Should we go back there?” Madelin asked.
         I shook my head.  “I don’t know.”
         I glanced over at Matt.  He was looking toward me, wondering the same thing.
         “Yeah, let’s go.”
         The five of us, me, Dana and Kendra and Scott and Madelin, walked to the back of the church.  Matt and his girlfriend were coming toward us.
         “This is insane,” Matt said.
         We got to the back where the brides room was.  Really  the fellowship hall.  Susan was guarding the door.  David was pacing the hall in front of her.  Me, Scott, Madelin and Matt walked up to Susan.
         “How is she?”
         “She’s in with her mother,” Susan reported.  “I don’t know what’s going on in there, but it can’t be good.”  She looked over my shoulder to where David stood.  “Is he just going to stand there?”
         I turned around just in time to see the mother and her child walk up.
         “Long time, no see, babe,” she said to him.
         “I don’t think this is the time or place for this,” David said.  They were standing so close to us that we could hear what they were saying very good.
         “I’m not so sure I agree,” Dave, I said, walking toward him.  “Hi, I’m Ray Edwards.  We’re all long time friends of Amanda.  And while I can’t speak for anyone else, I think this is the time and place for this.”
         “I don’t know you from Adam,” he said.  “Why the fuck do you think I would tell you a damn thing?”
         “You might want to think about watching your mouth,” Madelin said.  “You are standing in a church.”
         The woman finally spoke: “I think I can end a lot of speculation.  My name is Mary.  David and I used to be very close.”
         “Mary…”
         “Shut up, David.  The party is over.”
         Susan asked, “Do you think Amanda should hear this first?”
         Just then the door opened behind us.  Amanda and her mother were standing there.  David tried to go to her, but Susan and I stepped in front of him.
         “David, are you going to introduce your fiancee to your child and her mother?”
         “Amanda, can we take this private?”
         “Maybe that’s best,” her mother said.  “I’ll be with you.”
         “No.  I want to do it right here, right now.”
         Mary stepped up to the plate again.  “I hate that it had to happen this way. I’m sure you’re a nice girl.  But I just found out that this was happening last night.  I drove down from Knoxville this morning.”
         “All this is well and fine, but it’s not answering my question,” Amanda said.
         “I’m David’s wife.  This is our daughter, Roseanne.”
         There was an audible gasp from everyone standing around.  People were milling through the area watching the proceedings like it was a train wreck.
         “You mean you’re his ex-wife.”
         “There hasn’t been a divorce yet.  I’ll start the paperwork next week.  You can be assured of that.  Silly me.  I believed him when he said I was the only one for him.  I believed him when he said he loved me like he had never loved anyone else before.”
         No one said anything for a moment.  David was staring at the floor.  Everyone else was staring at him.
         “Is this true, David?” Amanda asked.  “Please tell me she’s lying.  Please tell me you’re not this mean and conniving.”
         David didn’t say anything.
         “This can’t be happening,” Amanda said, before she turned around and ran back into the room.  Susan, her mother and Madelin followed her.
         “Why are you doing this?” David asked Mary.
         “Revenge is a bitch, babe.”  With that, she turned on her heels and left the church with her daughter looking back at David the whole time.
         “Might be time for you to disappear again, Davie,” I said.
         “But I love her.  She has to know that.”
         “David, maybe you didn’t understand me.  I said you need to leave.”
         He gave me a long look, then brushed past me down the hall toward the water fountain.

         Soon we all moved outside.  Most everyone had gone home.  But a few of us were standing on the grounds, not knowing whether to leave out of respect for Amanda or stay to see if there was possibly anyway we could help.  The preacher had made an announcement that the wedding had been postponed.  Dana wondered aloud if that meant there’s be no reception.  Scott, Kendra and I glared at him.
         “Hey, Ray, where did your parents go?” Dana asked.
         “They went home.  I believe they have something planned with some friends.”
         “I’m surprised your mother would miss this car crash.  Isn’t this what she used to live for?”
         “Dana!  That’s not nice,” his wife said.
         I didn’t reply.
         We stood in silence for a few minutes, each of us no doubt trying to imagine what was going on in there.  If David had had any integrity, I thought, he would have left.  I imagined him pleading his case to Amanda, trying desperately to make her see his point of view.
         Dana opened his mouth again.  “You know, Ray, this might work well for you.  Come in after all these years to sweep her off her feet after this creep.”
         “Dana, shut up,” Scott said bitterly.  “Do you ever just think to yourself, ‘My God, I’m just nothing but hot gas?’”
         “What crawled up your ass and died?”
         “You, bitch.”
         “Well, I think it’s time to go home,” Kendra said.  “Tell Maddy I hate I missed her.”  She took Dana by the hand and led him away.
         “Did I miss something?” I asked.
         “Dana was getting on my last nerve,” Scott replied.  “Like always.”
         I leaned against the nearest thing to lean on, a tree, and looked up at the church as if by doing so I could tell what was going on in there.
         “I think if something like this happened to me, I’d go crazy,” Scott said.
         “Reason number forty seven not to get married.”
         At that moment, Susan came out of the church and to where we were.  She had a suitcase in her hand.  She looked shell-shocked.
         “Susan, is everything all right?”
         “It’s unbelievably tense in there.  Right now, the preacher is talking to David.  Is this your Jeep, Ray?”
         “Yeah.  Why?”
         “Amanda needs a favor.  She wants to get away from this, but David knows my  car and where I live and of course he knows what her mother drives.”
         “Say no more.  I’ll be glad to help.  Is she ready to go?”
         “She’s past ready.”
         “Where is David?”
         “The preacher had him in the hall.  But as soon as Amanda tries to leave, he’ll be all over the situation.”
         “OK.  I have a plan.”

         Susan and Scott went back inside.  The plan was for David to find out that Amanda was going home with Susan.  Scott was in just in case David did something stupid.  His excuse would be that he was going to see if his wife was ready to leave.  Meanwhile, I would be parked right beside the door with the Jeep cranked and ready to speed off.
         It worked as planned.  As we pulled off, we saw David run out of the church and watch us leave.
         “What a dick,” I said.  “Amanda, I am so sorry this happened to you.”
         “How do you think I feel.  I feel like a complete idiot.  I loved him!  I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him.  Everything his wife said he told her, he said the same things to me!”  She rolled down the window and stuck her head out, then let out an ear-piercing scream.  Then she calmly put the window back up.
         She was still in her wedding gown.
         “Sorry for that,” she said.  “But that felt good.”  Almost immediately, she broke down crying.  “Shit.  I told myself I wasn’t going to cry over that bastard.”
         “I think under the circumstances…”
         She interrupted me.  “I think I’m going to go crazy.”
         “Amanda…”
         “No, Ray.  Don’t try to make it better.  That’s not what I need right now.”  She wiped tears out of her eyes as she watched the land fly by.  “Where are we going?”
         “Anywhere.  You decide.”
         “I just want to get out of town for a while.  Go somewhere where no one knows us.  Oh.  There is one thing.”
         “Anything.”
         “Can you pull over somewhere and let me get out of this damn dress?”
         I felt like I was in a Burt Reynolds movie.  I kept expecting David to pull up beside us in a cop car driven by some fat cop.
         “I’ll stop at the nearest gas station…”
         “No.  I don’t want to risk running into someone.  Just find a road that isn’t too busy.”
         That is not particularly hard to do in Longview.  Five minutes later, we pulled on Bethel Boat Landing Road and found a spot near a group of trees.  I got out of the Jeep and walked down the road a piece.  In a few minutes Amanda blew the horn.  When I got back in, she was dressed in a sleeveless white shirt and blue jeans.
         “Next stop, anywhere,” she said.
         I pointed the car toward Columbia and set the cruise for 65.

         “We met right after I went back to college,” she was saying.  “This was right after you moved to Memphis.  I knew he liked me from the start, but I wasn’t too sure about him.  He was a little too cocky, a little arrogant, for my tastes.  But after a while, he grew on me.”
         “Like a fungus?” I asked with a smile.
         She laughed out loud.  “No, it really wasn’t like that.  Well, maybe it was, knowing what I know now.  And that’s the part I hate more than most right now.  I have to question everything he ever told me, all the things he said he had never said to anyone.  I have to assume it was all a lie.”
         She stopped speaking for a moment and seemed to be holding back tears.  “How does someone decide to get married when they already are married?  I just can’t comprehend the thought process that must be involved in that decision.”
         “Hey, it works in Utah.”
         “Don’t try to make me laugh,” she said, smiling.  Then her face turned serious.  “What does this say about me that I was able to be so easily duped by this rat bastard?”
         “Don’t beat yourself up about this guy.  All it says is that you trusted someone you shouldn’t have, that you loved someone who didn’t deserve it.  You were wrong about this guy…”
         “Bad wrong, as it turned out.”
         I didn’t know how to reply to that, so I let it hang there.  We didn’t speak for several minutes.  It was an awkward silence.  I couldn’t turn the radio on.  Then it would seem like I wasn’t interested in anything more she had to say on the subject.  I imagined she was still in chock.  Three hours ago, she was walking down the aisle about to start a new life with the man she loved.  Then her world came crashing down.  I had no idea what she must have been feeling.
         “You still drink?” she asked.
         “Not enough.  For the last year or so, I’ve been cutting down.”
         “Why?”
         I shrugged.  “No reason.”
         “Feel like drinking tonight?  Let’s find an anonymous bar and grill somewhere and forget who we are for a few hours."

         The anonymous bar and grill we found was called Pete’s Food and Spirits.  It was located in southern Columbia.  We stopped in and ordered ribs and beer.  When we arrived, there were more people working there than eating there.  When we left hours later, the place was packed wall to wall.
         “Just one thing,” Amanda said.  “No talk about what happened today.”
         “About what?”
         “Exactly,” Amanda replied.
         We sat there in silence until the waitress brought our beers.  Then we drank our beers in silence.  The waitress brought replacement beers.  We drank these in silence too.  Then we started laughing.
         “My God, Ray.  Can you believe us?  How long has it been since we walked the railroad tracks together?  I still remember that day, you know.  Holding hands with you, you were so sweet.”
         I felt my ears go hot.
         “It’s true, Ray.  If only I had realized it back then.”
         “Well, that was a long time ago.  People change.  I’m not the same naïve kid I was then.”
         “Of course you aren’t, Ray,” she said, leaning closer to me over the table as if we were sharing a secret.  “Life is change.  It’s the only constant there is.  But even so, there’s something in everyone that makes them who they are.”
         “Is this what they teach you in shrink school?”
         The waitress brought our food and we ordered another round of drinks.
         “Shrink school?  Haven’t heard that term in weeks.  Well, at least I have that to look forward to.  I always wanted to become a psychologist.  Now it looks like I will.  I went to school double time for this.  I met two great guys while there.  The first one killed two people because he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to drive after getting drunk.  And the next one, my darling David, didn’t tell me he was already married, even as we were prepared to walk down the aisle together.”
         “You really know how to pick them, Amanda,” I said, taking a long pull of my beer.  “Of course, so do I.  My first real relationship didn’t come along until I was 20.  And just when I think it’s getting serious, she leaves me while we’re in Memphis.  And then comes along someone I actually thought cared for me, someone who said she loved me, who decided I was little more than an affair to her.”
         “She hurt you, didn’t she?”
         “Only because I let myself love her.  I’ll know better next time.”
         “Yeah, I agree.  To hell with love.  It only gets you in trouble.”
         From the tone of her voice and the look in her eyes, I could not tell if she was being serious or sarcastic.  After that day she had had, I figured she was serious.
         “The opposite sex and true love,” she stopped seemingly in mid-thought to take a drink.  “All this shit only gets people in trouble.  Who needs love anyway?”
         “I don’t know how to answer that question.”  For some reason, I thought of Terrie.  What was it W.C. Fields said?  Thousands have lived with love, but none without water.  Seems like a very pessimistic view of life.  But I’ve thought the same thing before.  In fact, when I moved to Memphis, I was very determined not to get involved with anyone.  And it worked.  For a little while.”
         Amanda excused herself and left the table.  I realized I was talking about myself a little too much.  It just felt like if I started talking, it would all come flowing out.  By the time she returned, the waitress had brought another round of drinks.  I finished Amanda’s beer that was already on the table so that she’d have a fresh beer on her return.
         Amanda came back to her the table and we finished our meal and our beer while just chit-chatting.  Amanda was talking about what people had worn to the wedding.  “No offense to your friends, but Scott and Dana could really use some wardrobe advice.  For that matter, so could Kendra and Madelin.  Maddy is one of my dearest friends, but she shouldn’t be allowed to dress herself.”
         “Maybe that’s what marriage does to you.  Dana has put on a few pounds.  Scott always looks like he needs about ten hours sleep.  Kendra was a very nice looking girl back in high school, but now it’s like she doesn’t know how to put on make-up.  Madelin still looks like she did when Scott first met her.  I think she still wears the same clothes.”
         “Well, they are our friends though.  Do I look like Maddy or Kendra?”
         “No!” I replied, a little more enthusiastically then maybe I would have liked.  “I mean, no, not at all.”
         She just looked at me over the remainder of her burger.  Then she smiled.  “Well it goes without saying you don’t look a thing like Scott and Dana.  Maybe you’re right.  Maybe this is what happens when you get married and have kids.”
         “All I know is that I am not ready for that shit yet.  I still feel young.  Somehow when I look at my married friends, they all look older to me.  They remind me of my parents.”  I stopped and took a sip of my beer.  I was finished with my food now.  “Both Scott and Dana have been giving me hell since I’ve been back in town.  It’s not even what they say really, but how they look at me.  It’s like they don’t even know who I am anymore.”
         “Well, I get that too from my friends in Longview.  Have they started trying to get you to move back yet?”
         “Oh, believe me, my parents have that covered.”
         “Well, I guess I’ll move to Norfolk with my mother.  I know Susan will try to get me to move back to Longview though.”  By now she was finished with her meal as well.  The waitress came to take our plates away, but didn’t ask if we wanted another beer.  I was feeling good.  I wanted to feel better.  I decided to wait for another beer.
         But Amanda had other ideas.
         “Let’s dance.”
         “Let’s what?” I asked, knowing I had heard her right.
         “People don’t dance enough anymore.”
         “Amanda, you must be very drunk.  I haven’t danced in years.”
         “It’s just like riding a bike, Ray.  You fall down, you get right back up.”
         I decided not to argue and let her lead me across the floor to where there was a juke box.  It must have been new.  It only played CDs.  Amanda picked a few selections.  The first song to play was Journey’s “Open Arms.”
         Out of the corner of my eye, I could tell we were being watched.  The waitress who had hardly paid us any attention, even when serving us, now had a slight smile on her face.  Other couples glanced our way but no one seemed to find what we were doing peculiar at all.  I had to wonder how many couples danced at this place.
         She wrapped her arms under mine and up my back, then buried the side of her face into my shoulder.  I breathed in the soft scent of her hair.  Suddenly I just wanted out of there.  I wanted some fresh air.
         We kept dancing through one song, then another and another, all bad Journey ballads that she had picked out.  After that, it ws time for another drink or two.  This time we sat at the bar.  I glanced at the clock on the wall.  It was nine o’clock.  We had already been there for over two hours.
         “Who are we?” Amanda asked.
         “I’m nobody.”
         “No, I mean really.  At what point is who we are set in granite?  Or is it ever?”
         “Isn’t the more important question at what point do we know who we are?”
         “Yeah.”  Amanda thought about this for a long time and I thought she was going to continue this line of conversation, but she didn’t.  She excused herself to the ladies room.  I used the opportunity to stumble to the men’s room.
         I went about my business, then washed my hands.  I looked in the mirror.  Sometimes I didn’t recognize myself anymore.  I ran my hand through my hair.  I was drunk.  Not the best time for self-inspection, I reminded myself.
         “I hate you,” I told the stranger in the mirror, then walked out of the room.
         Amanda was at the bar waiting.  “I already paid and left a tip.  You ready to go?”
         “Sure.”  We went for the door.  Once outside, I realized how drunk I was.  I think Amanda realized it at the same time.
         “You can’t drive,” she said.  I almost protested.  I had driven before and had been more drunk than this, even though I probably shouldn’t have.  But she was the one with the ex-boyfriend in jail for vehicular manslaughter.
         “What do you want to do?” I asked.
         We both saw the hotel across the street at the same time.
        “Well,” she said.  “There is that.”  We held onto one another as we crossed the road.  At the door, she looked at me.  “I don’t want to be alone tonight, Ray.  We’ll deal with the consequences tomorrow.”  She started for the door.
        “Amanda…”
         “Ray, it’s all right.”
         “I was going to say I’d pay.  You went for the meal and drinks.  It’s only fair.”
         She smiled as she flashed a Visa.  “It’s David’s.”

         The old man behind the counter didn’t pay us any attention as he took our money and room keys.  We walked around the building to where our room was.  I used the key and opened the door, letting Amanda go in first.
         I walked in behind her and wrapped my arms around her back.  She took a deep breath, then let it out and turned toward me.  She helped me with my tie, then unbuttoned my shirt and ran her hands across my chest.
         “I’ll be right back,” I said.  “Don’t go anywhere.”
         I went into the bathroom as much to use the bathroom as it was to clear my head.  I wanted her.  I wanted this to happen.  But if she had changed her mind, I wasn’t going to be disappointed.  I wondered how we might face each other down the line.  I still was not ready to start a relationship with her.
         I walked out of the bathroom.  Amanda was lying in bed still dressed.  It took only a moment for me to realize she was asleep.  I went over to her, pulled the covers over her, then took the chair for the night.
         I did decide after an hour or so of twisting and turning that the chair was too uncomfortable.  I lay down beside Amanda on the bed.  It wasn’t much better, but at least I could stretch out.  I undressed down to my underwear and hoped to get some quality sleep.
         An hour passed and I realized I was not going to get any quality sleep.  I pulled on my pants and went outside.  There was a pool on the other side of the building that I had not seen before.  I thought of the hotel in Little Rock.   I sat on a cheap white chair on the pool deck.  My mind was still hazy.  I asked myself why I did the things I did.  And then I remembered.  Because I could.  Was it Scott that had told me that before?  As if Scott even knew who I was anymore than I did.
         I walked around the motel to get a look at the bar.  I was hoping it would be open.  In lieu of sleep, I figured I could get another drink or two.  But the place was closed and my Jeep was the only car in sight.  I fished out my car keys and went across the road.  I had not checked messages in several days.  I decided I would do it later.

         I realized soon after I got back in bed that I was not going to be able to sleep at all.  If I were at home in Memphis, I would have been in front of the computer by now writing.  But here I was in a crappy hotel in Columbia.  I didn’t even have my pen and notebook.
         Amanda rolled over and let out a sigh.  I figured I was keeping her awake, so I went back outside for a walk.  There was a drink machine near the office that asked entirely too much for a 12 ounce can drink.  But I was thirsty, so I took it onto the pool deck and sat down in a plastic chair beside a plastic table.
         Something had to change.  I was not happy.  The time away in Memphis had been good for me.  I had deliberately moved myself from everyone and everything that I had known.  I needed to have time to myself.  It wasn’t that I had set out to find myself or anything like that.  I just needed some time away.
         And now that I was back in Longview, I saw that I had been right to get away.  There was nothing for me here in spite of what my parents were trying to tell me.
         I sat there for a few minutes.  Everything was silent and still.  Even the road was empty.  As I stood to go back to my room, I realized Amanda was standing there wearing her jeans and tank top.
         “Hey,” I said.
         “Hey,” she said.  “Couldn’t sleep?”
         “Not really.  What are you doing up?”
         “I woke up with a start a few minutes ago, right after you walked out.”  She sat down beside me.  “I hope you won’t take this the wrong way.”
         “Uh-oh.  Do I want to hear this?”  I was vaguely alarmed.
         She smiled.  “It’s not the end of the world.  I’m just ready to get back to Longview.  Now.”
         It probably was a few minutes after four in the morning.  “As in now now, or as in in a few hours now.”
         She half smiled, half winced.  “Now now.”
         “OK.  Can I get dressed first?”
         She smiled.  “You get dressed.  I’ll check us out.”
         I showered, then dressed in the shirt and pants that I wore to the wedding.  By five, we were heading back to Longview.

         I pulled into her mother’s driveway as the sun was peaking through the trees.  Amanda sat there for a moment looking straight ahead.  “I almost expected him to be camped out on the porch.  You know, if I walk through that door, I have to deal with what happened yesterday.”
         “You’re already dealing with it to a certain extent.  You’ve just got to go to the next stage.  The quicker you do, the sooner this will all be over.”  In other words, get out of my car.
        She looked at me.  “You think?”
         I nodded.
         “You’ve been a good friend, Ray,” she said.
        It was as if we were going through the motions, both wanting to be in another place.  But neither wanting to offend the other.  She sat there for a moment and I wondered if I was supposed to kiss her or something.  She may have been wondering the same thing.  In any event, we said our good-byes, then she got out of the Jeep and I pulled away.
         When I got home, I was surprised to find that my parents were gone.  There was a note on the door saying they had gone away for the night and would be back late Saturday night.  I knew I’d be gone by then.  But for now, all I wanted was to get some sleep.

         Somebody was knocking on the door.  I was disoriented at first because they were at the front door when anyone who knows my parents know that we have always used the back door to come and go.  I found my pants and went downstairs.  I still was not fully awake yet.  If I had been, I would have looked out the window to see who it was before opening the door.
         “How dare you take advantage of her like that?”  It was Madelin, who had never been to my parent’s house before.  She said this to me a split second after slapping me across my face.
         “Who the fuck do you think you are, bitch?”
         She seemed taken aback that I would say that to her.  But I was still tired, a little hungover and had just been slapped by someone I really did not know.  Or like.
         “You’re such a loser.  I’m not sure what Amanda ever saw in you.  You’re no better than David.  How dare you use her like that?”
         “I think I need a scorecard because I don’t have a clue what the fuck you’re talking about.”
         “I think you know exactly what I mean.  Last night.  You and Amanda in some hotel room.  You used her up and threw her out.”
         “Is that what she told you?”
         “It doesn’t matter what she told me,” Madelin said.  “What matters is that you’re a disgusting freak.  You and David are just alike.  You use people and you throw them out.  I don't know why Scott calls you a friend.”
         “So that’s not what she said?”  I was calm now.  Part of me thought this was a little funny.  Another part just wanted to close the door in her face.
         “Isn’t it funny that most of your friends are married?  All but you.  Ever wonder why that is, Ray?”
         “Gee, Maddy.  No, I never have wondered why that is.  And look at all I’m missing.  I could roll over and find something like you beside me.  No thanks.”  A car pulled in behind Maddy.  I noticed it as Dana’s mini-van.  He was driving, Kendra was in the passenger seat and Scott was in the back.
         “What’s going on here?” Scott asked as he walked toward us.
         “Scott, you need to call off your wife.  Her white trash roots are showing.”  I could have said something a little less obtrusive, but, remember, I wasn’t thinking straight.  From the look on Scott’s face, it was clear he did not like what I had just said.
         Kendra said, “Come on, Madelin, let’s go.”
         “I don’t know why I even came here.  He’s nothing but a loser.”
         “Hey, bitch, where the fuck do you get off talking like that?  What are you?  Amanda’s guardian angel?”
         “Ray, there’s no need to talk to my wife like that.  I think you need to apologize to her.”  He was clearly angry, but trying to control his temper.
         “Bullshit,” I said.  “Scott, if you can’t control this woman, at least do me the favor of keeping her the hell away from me.  The stench alone is enough to make me puke.”
         “Ray!  You will not talk to my wife like that.”  By now, Scott was in my face yelling.  At least, he was in my face as much as someone six inches shorter than I could be.
         Dana stepped in between us while Kendra shuffled Madelin a few feet back.
         “Ray, Scott, we’re all friends here.”
         By now, I was starting to think before I said things.  “Look, Scott, I was over here minding my own business.  I was asleep, not bothering anyone.  All of a sudden, this, this…. woman starts pounding on my door calling me all kinds of names.  Where the hell does she get off doing that shit?  This is a woman who has said about twenty words to me the entire time I’ve known her.”
         “I just got home a few minutes ago.  All I know is that she was on the phone with Amanda.  Then she stormed out of the house.”
         I looked over his shoulder.  “You still never told me exactly what she said to you.”
         Madelin wouldn’t look at me now.
         “I think I deserve to know.  You’re the one coming over to my parent’s house talking this shit.  Now why won’t you tell me what she said?”
         “Go ahead,” Kendra said.  “Tell him.”
         “Can we talk calmly?” Scott asked.
         No one said anything, which Scott may have taken as a calm response to the question posed.
         “Go ahead,” Kendra said again.
         “It wasn’t what she said,” Madelin began.  “She actually took up for you, if you can imagine that.  But you had no right…”
         I interrupted her, knowing now that Amanda had not said anything bad about me.  “No, you had no right to barge over here and cause this scene.  Scott, Dana, you’re welcome here anytime that I am.  If you’re ever in Memphis for any reason at all, by all means come right over.  I have a spare bedroom.  But from now on, I’d prefer, Scott, that your wife not be anywhere near me.”
         “Don’t worry about that,” she said.
         Scott said, “Ray, if you don’t want my wife around, then that means I won’t be around either.”
         “Aren’t we over reacting?” Dana asked.  I looked at him.  Dana never had been the voice of reason before.
         “I don’t think I am,” I said.
         “Then there’s nothing left to say.”  Scott and Madelin walked to their car.  I was looking straight at Dana, who seemed at a loss for words.
         “Are you coming, Dana?” his wife asked.
         “I’d like to talk to Ray for a few minutes.”  Then to me.  “That is, if you don’t mind.”
         “I don’t mind,” I said.
         We walked inside to the kitchen.  I poured myself a glass of tea.  My mouth was suddenly dry.  It occurred to me to ask Dana if he wanted a glass, but that might mean he would stay longer.
         “This will blow over,” He said.  “Won’t it?  You and Scott were friends before I moved to town.”
         “She had no right, Dana.”
         “I know that,” he said.  “And I bet you that Scott knows it too.  Just relax.  Don’t worry about it.  I’ve got to say, Madelin has done similar things like this before.  That’s why Kendra doesn’t have much to do with her anymore.  We’ll probably have a good laugh about this later.”
         I looked at him and took a long swallow of tea.
         “But what I really have to know.”  Again he seemed at a loss for words.  “You finally slept with Amanda after all of these years.  Was it worth it?”
         “That’s the thing, Dana.  We didn’t actually sleep together.  I mean, we were in the room together.  It was going to happen.  But when I came out of the bathroom, she was passed out.  I kissed her, but that was it.”
         “Ray, I think at this point it’s all right for you to tell me the truth.”
         “I am telling you the truth.  That’s why I can’t figure out why Amanda would say this.  I mean, I’m not offended or anything.  It just seems so odd.”
         “Maybe not,” he said.  “Maybe she’s telling Madelin and Susan that she slept with you hoping it will get back to David.”
         I started to point out that it didn’t seem like something she would do.  But then I reasoned that I would only be dragging the conversation on further when all I really wanted to do was to leave this town.  I kept my mouth shut.
         “I need to go,” Dana said.  “Anything you want me to pass on to Scott when I talk to him?”
         “Yeah,” I said.  “Tell him to keep the bitch away from me from now on.”

Memoirs To Little Rock
Memoirs Back To Memphis
Memoirs Of An Unknown Poet

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