Or, how to succeed in business without doing much at all........

I particularly like number 2, number 4 and number 12

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

                        20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

A married man had a secretary that was a sweet young thing, and so he decided to "work late" one night and take this girl to dinner. He called his wife to tell her and she said, "okay, no problem."

After dinner with the secretary, it was obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had "swinging from the chandelier" sex for two hours. The man went to the bathroom to straighten his clothing for the trip home when he noticed a huge love-bite on his neck. He immediately fell into a state of panic, and he had NO idea what to tell his wife, but he knew he must be getting home as it was getting quite late.

After knocking on the door, he heard the dog come barking and scratching at the door to greet him. He thought "Aha!!" and entered the house, fell to the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed," Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!"

She looked up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That’s nothing, look at what he did to my tits!!"

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A fellow tees off, and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a woman knocked out cold. The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"

"I’m a doctor," another man says, rising. "What’s the trouble?"

"I just hit a woman with a golf ball out there and she’s unconscious!" "Well where did you hit her?" the doctor asks "Between the first and second holes." "Oh my," the doctor says, shaking his head.

                        "That doesn’t leave much room for stitches!"

The Better Sex.

 

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’snothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from>God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this,here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren’t you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I’ll just wait for the police..."

 

Look out, a bad joke coming your way . . . . .

 

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, and produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath.

This made him what?.......................

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(oh, man, this is good.......)

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A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don’t you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren’t you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain’t," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren’t  you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths ?

He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’

>

 

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so one of them must be. I know it’s not me, so it’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again.'

And I swerved again. Then he rang up a third time and said ‘You’re now the managing director.’ And I swerved again and went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ so I said ‘I careered off the road.’

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."

The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"

 

Two cannibals eating a clown.

One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.

One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The other replies, "No, but I’ve been swung around by the titties"

 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:’Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’

 

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice."

> >

The old farmer’s mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule.

His $125 didn’t buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.

Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I’m real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his truck and left.

A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim’s place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a *NEW* $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had was the $125 that he’d spent on the mule that died.

"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."

"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"

"From you."

"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."

"I got it from you."

"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."

"I know, that’s what I raffled off."

"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I’ll bet that really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."

"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."

~~~~~

In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

The little girl says, "Forty."

The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

The little girl says, "I’m seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can’t get pregnant."

The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Men

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will  never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman’s watch?

You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling  at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can  tell them apart.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman’s sex-drive by 90%.

It’s called Wedding Cake.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What’s on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God  nor Man has rested.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two Mothers-in-law.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of  Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to  forget it once.

 

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