Home      The Bad     The Ugly      The Rude     The Darren

 

 

An escaped convict, imprisoned for murder,had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run,he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room.

He got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room,with the chair in tow, and turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown.

He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with him and give him anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you,just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. "Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear", the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in years. He wasn’t kissing my neck ... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom".

 

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys."

He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because that he’d "be home by midnight...promise!"

Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times.

Quickly he realized she’d probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed—to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o’clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!

"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock." she says over her morning coffee.

"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said ‘shit,’ cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York to. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn’t use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That’s right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn’t!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

 

WHAT EVERY GIRL SHOULD KNOW

Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.

Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want don’t need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?)

One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

HOW "BIG" SHOULD A MAN BE?

Don’t by shy. It’s an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man’s penis is 2 � to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen.

HOW "LONG" SHOULD A MAN LAST?

Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you’ll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don’t let your girlfriends know you’ve landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."

HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M HAVING AN ORGASM?

The female orgasm is a sensation that’s very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man’s penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or> buttocks, that is an orgasm. You’ll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you’ve experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?

There is no such thing.

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?

This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you’ll see the a man’s penis fits naturally into a woman’s mouth. On the other hand, a man’s mouth does not naturally fit into a woman’s vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?)

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?

Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are "GIB." Another example of male "after-play" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying post-coital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?

Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly.

This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?

One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man’s attention. Also, don’t keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don’t let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You’ll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?

When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a ‘local’ about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you’ve found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You’re cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

Q: "If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?" A: There is absolutely no way to tell.

Q: "What’s the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and shiny?"

A: One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you’ll look.

Q: "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"

A: You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"

Q: "Where should a man take me?"

A: Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he’s thinking about.

Q: "What happens if he doesn’t call?"

A: He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your ‘local’ and look to see if he’s come back. If he doesn’t, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe runs an internet joke list, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you’ve met a new, exciting lover.

For those lateral thinkers

Time to put on your thinking caps...

1 There is a man that lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it’s raining!

WHY? This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying.

2 A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says I can’t operate on this boy, he is my son!

How can this be?

3 A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off too but some how manages to stop in time.

How did the driver see the man?

4 Title : The Elder Twin

One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. Why?

5 Title : Manhole Covers

Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.

6 Title : The Deadly Party

A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

7 Title : Heaven

A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognised. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve.

How did he know?

8 Title : Trouble with Sons

A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

9 Title : The Man in the Bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says ‘Thank you’ and walks out.

This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.

Below are the answers.

1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the elevator buttons. However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it.

2. The surgeon was his mother.

3. It was day time.

4. At the time she went into labour, the mother of the twins was travelling by boat. The older twin,Terry,was born first early on March 1^st. The boat then crossed a time zone and Kerry, the younger twin,was born on February the 28^th. Therefore, the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.

5. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

6. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes.

When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.

7. He recognised Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. Because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords and therefore they never had navels. This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments.

8. They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets,etc.). This puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?

9. The man had hiccups. The barman recognised this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so the man no longer needed the water.

This is a simple puzzle to state but a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation.

Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages.

 

 

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.

While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say ismy best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it’s got to be your ears!"

She’s astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars!

Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Sherlock then asked, "What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and  potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a  beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes then spoke.

"Watson, you dickhead! Some bastard has stolen our tent."

 

 

 

 

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years goes by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.

                       The snail says, "What the fuck was that all about?"

A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand.

Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.

Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night.

True Heaven on earth in the man’s eyes.

Alas, one day she notices he’s looking kind of glum. "What’s the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"

"Sure," she says," if it’ll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude!

You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!"

Q. What is the main function of the All Black coach?

A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. What’s the All Black version of a hat-trick?

A. Conceding three tries in three minutes

Q. Why don’t the All Black backline need pre-tour travel injections?

A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What’s the most proficient form of footwork displayed by the All Black backline?

A. The walk back to the dressing room

Q. What do the All Blacks and drug addicts have in common?? A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "New Zealand are good enough to win the World Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey’s alive!"

Q: How does John Hart change a lightbulb?

A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

A man desperate at the All Blacks current situation decides to top himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full All Black kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the Jersey and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why. The policeman simply replies, "it’s to avoid embarrassing your family."

Rumour has it that the ABs have got a new sponsor:

Tampax.

The NZRB thought it was an appropriate change as the team is going through a

very bad period

------------------------------------------

To:NZ Information Systems

cc:

Subject: Job opportunity

Two positions have opened up in a well know international sports team, see below for position outlines

COACH

Prefer someone who has actually played at the highest level, should be inspirational and have deep understanding of the game and the pride involved. Should be experienced at coaching lineout tactics and have some idea of how to construct a solid defence. An eye for talented players and good combinations is essential.

CAPTAIN

Someone inspiring and who has some form of composure under pressure, a realistic chin would be good. Must be capable of playing at number 8 and have a degree of presence on the field. Leadership ability and vision are prerequisites for the job as are basic ball handling skills and a general aversion to LOSING.

Please apply to whoever they end up getting to manage the team once they have fired everyone else.

French applicants get preferential treatment.

 

 

 

 

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she’s low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she’s pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.

She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring.

The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around

and around, while the blonde inside of the car is saying,

"A little more to the left... a little more to the right!!"

The phone rings at FBI headquarters... "Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom’s house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

 

_

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

 

You know you work in the 90s when:

1. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and

worked for  threedifferent companies.

2. Your company welcome sign is attached with velcro.

3. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.

4. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.

5. You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o’clock  news.

6. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you  lose all  your best     jokes.

7. Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do  your job.

8. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more  likely  to get     long-service awards.

9. Board members salaries are higher than all the  Third World  countries     annual budgets combined.

10. It’s dark when you drive to and from work, even  in the  summer.

11. You know exactly how many days you’ve got left  until you  retire.

12. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant  knowledge or     experience, terminate the interview when told of the  starting   salary.

13. You see a good looking, smart person and you know  it must  be a     visitor.

14. Free food left over from meetings is your staple  diet.

15. The work experience person gets a brand-new  state-of-the-art laptop     with all the features, while you have time to go for  lunch   while yours    powers up.

16. Being sick is defined as you can’t walk or you’re  in   hospital.

17. You’re already late on the assignment you just  got.

18. There’s no money in the budget for the five  permanent  staff your     department is short of, but they can afford four  full-time   management    consultants advising your boss’s boss on strategy.

19. Your boss’s favourite lines are:

When you’ve got a few minutes...

Could you fit this in...?

...in your spare time

...when you’re freed up

know you’re busy but...

I have an opportunity for you

20. Holiday is something you roll over to next year  or a  cheque you get     in January.

21. Every week another brown collection envelope  comes round  because     someone you didn’t know had started is leaving.

22. You wonder who’s going to be left to put into  your   ‘leaving’    collection.

 

23. Your relatives and family describe your job as  "works with     computers".

 

24. The only reason you recognise your kids is  because their  pictures     are on your desk.

25. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

26. You read this entire list, kept nodding and you  understood  it.

27. Everyone you want to forward this to has already  left and  become a     Company in their own right.

 

General Motors vs. Microsoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Mr. Gates’ comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.

7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.

8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).

9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You’d press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

 

An Australian ...

 

An Australian, Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. A man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

"My God! I know who that man is - it’s Jesus!"

The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?"

Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.

"Yes,I am Jesus," he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I’d like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, thanks and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out : "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and says "Yes, I am Jesus".

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Then the Australian calls out "Oy you! D’ya reckon you’re Jesus or what?"

Jesus nods and says "Yes, I am Jesus".

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a schooner of VB for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

Some time late, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman

and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I’ve had for years is gone! It’s a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Englishman’s hand, thanking him for the Newcastle. Upon letting go, the Englishman’s eyes widen in shock:

"By jove, the migraine! The migraine I’ve for 40 years is completely gone! It’s a miracle!!!"

Jesus then goes to approach the Australian who says:

"Back off mate! - I’m on compo!!"

 

 

                                Washington

A little boy wanted $100 very badly. His mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows...

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those mothers deducted $95.

                             Rugby               

                               

(broadcast) 13:04:20 NZ are playing England in the RWC, and are absolutely smashing them 60-0 at half time.

The Kiwis are so bored with the game by the end of the first half, they decide to go to the pub and just let Jonah Lomu play the second half on his own.

About half an hour later Jonah joins them at the pub and orders a pint. The other players ask him what the final score turned out being. "110-3" replies Jonah.

The other players are a bit upset, and asked how come the poms got 3 points.

"I got sent off with 20 minutes to go" says Jonah.

                           Marriage

 

Jake was on his deathbed with his wife, Becky,maintaining a steady vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh Don’t talk."

But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk.

I have something I must confess to you."

"There’s nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "It’s all right.

Everything’s all right, Go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend and our next door neighbor."

Becky mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand."Hush now, Jake. Don’t torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?

 

The Wedding

Below is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson,USA.This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and groom’s families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man  having sex with the bride. (He had become suspicious of the two of them and  hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.)

After he stood there and watched the people’s reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said "F--- you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said "I’m out of here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge:

1) Making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception.

2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.

3) And best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputation in front of all of their friends, their entire families i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has gonads the size of church bells.

This is his world, we just  live in it.

Telltale signs that you are a drunken bastard

You frequently urinate outdoors.

You first wake up and you’re afraid you’re going to die and a half hour later you’re afraid you won’t.

You fall asleep taking a dump.

You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse.

You go to the toilet to throw up, but you take your beer with you.

You find it’s easier to study drunk.

Beer ads make sense.

You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you’re so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching.

You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.

You fall down a flight of steps and DON’T spill a drop of your beer.

You mix your cocktails by the litre.

You grow a beard because it stops beer that’s running down your chin.

You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic

Zen-like piss.

You explain to your bank manager that you spent your overdraft mainly on beer and women; "the rest I just wasted."

When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.

You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect

 

 

 

Last summer, down on Lake

Isabella,located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft.

Bayliner to perform.

It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina.

Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

(wait for it........)

(remember, this is true.......)

 

 

 

 

 

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.

 

 

 

Strong Words

 

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back."

"You’re on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let’s see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

 

Home