In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male.

   These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one   morning an    angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you   have been    exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am    giving    you    your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have   30    Minutes    to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the  statues came    to     life.  

    The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods    and dove     behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he    listened    to the      two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.After    fifteen     minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes,  satisfied and    smiling.

    Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,   "You    still    have      fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue? The  male statue    looked at    the     female and asked, "Do you want to do it     again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But  this time  YOU     hold the pigeon down and I’ll shit on it’s head!"

 

 

 

Great ways to annoy bathroom stall mates.

 

  1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,    "May I borrow a highlighter?"

 

  2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that."

 

  3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with  a

  bodily function noise.

 

  4. Say, "Damn, this water’s cold."

 

  5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

 

  6. Say, "Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before."

 

  7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a  cantelope   into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

 

  8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

 

  9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

 

  10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically  under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy  boy!"

 

  11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

 

  12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of

  toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor.

  Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

 

  13. Say, "C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me."

 

  14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your  hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while  you  squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize  profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for  breakfast.

 

  15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

 

  16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now   what am I gonna do?"

 

  17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt    cheeks.

 

  18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your   "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the   adjacent stall.

 

  19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you  can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

 

  20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing  "Born   Free".

 

5 stages of drunkenness

======================

 

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the  known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your  knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always  RIGHT.  And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes  for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

 

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the  entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect  stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear  in  mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about  any  subject under the sun.

 

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You  can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck  full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this  stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will  win  all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH.  You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you  are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

 

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially  those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because  nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners  of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or  money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are  RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

 

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do  anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress  the  people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room  cannot  see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.

You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs  because   no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know  all   the words.

 

 

 

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces  height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and  shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet   above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically   correct, but it’s no use to anyone."

The man below says "You must work in business."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man below, "you don’t know where you are, or where you’re  going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position  now as you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

 

 

 

Staff Note:

 

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been  turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of  Miscellaneous  Unproductive Time (code 5309).

 

To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a  problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with  your  unproductive time.

The newly installed Activity Based Costing  Financial System requires additional information to achieve its  goals.

 

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job  code  list based on our observations of employee activities. The list  will  allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing  during  your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list  immediately and   let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

 

Extended Task Code List  Code # Explanation:

5000 Surfing the Net

5001 Reading/Writing Social Email

5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)

5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail

5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail

5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on  E-Mail

5316 Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-worker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-worker while  Co-worker Is  Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Co-worker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who Is Not  Interested in   Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who Hates you

5403 Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who Hates you  Because you   wouldn’t sleep with them

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Time Sheet

5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Myself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610)

5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610)

5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610)

5603 Bitching about Co-worker (see codes #5322, #5323)

5604  Bitching  about Boss (see code #5610)

5605 Bitching about Personal Problems

5610 Searching for a New Job

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching

5701 Not Actually Present at Job

5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make long-distance Personal Calls

6206 Gossiping

6207 Planning a Social Event

6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job

6223 Pretending I Like My Co-workers

6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are  Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasising

6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring at Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)

7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code  #7400)

7931 Asking Co-worker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

 

 

 

  THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

 

During all police investigations it will be necessary to  visit a strip    club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

 

  If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in  a passing   St.   Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year

 

  All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the  armpit

  level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying  beside her.

 

  All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of  French Bread.

 

  It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is  someone in the  control tower to talk you down.

 

  The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.  No-one   will ever think of looking for you in there and you can  travel to any    other  part of the building you want without difficulty.

 

  You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make   the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

 

  Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer,  it will not   be  necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

 

  If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer    beast,  the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his   forthcoming  art  exhibition.

 

  The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

 

  A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but  will   wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

 

  If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown  through it   before long.

 

  The Chief of Police is always black.

 

  When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a   bill   --  just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be  the exact  fare.

 

  Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature  from elsewhere   in  the universe.

 

  Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen  at night,   you  should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

 

  If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange  noises   in their most revealing underwear.

 

  Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will  always say:   Enter   Password Now.

 

  Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

 

  The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective  -- or give   him  48 hours to finish the job.

 

  A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK  Stadium.

 

  It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending  phone  conversations.

 

  Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to  turn  the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

 

  All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red  readouts   so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

 

  It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are  visiting.

 

  If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into  will  know all the steps.

 

 

  Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the  communication  systems of any invading alien civilisation.

 

  It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a  fight involving  martial arts—your enemies will wait patiently to attack  you one by   one  by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out  their  predecessors.

 

  Police Departments give their officers personality tests to  make sure   they  are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

 

  When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each  other.

 

  You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

 

  Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds—  unless   it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

 

  An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no  lasting   damage to an eight year old child.

 

  Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you    personally at that precise moment.

 

 

 

 

 

RECIPE FOR LOVE:

2x Laughing eyes

2x Well shaped legs

2x Loving arms

2x Firm milk containers

2x Nuts

1x Fur lined mixing bowl

1x firm banana

 

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes

2. Spread well shaped legs with loving arms

3 Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur  lined mixing bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger.

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until  well creamed.

(For best results, continue to knead milk containers). 5. As  heat rises,plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak(preferably not over night).

6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn’t soften,repeat  steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

 

Notes:

1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.

2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.

3. If cake rises, leave town

 

 

 

 

 

A farmer is in is local getting drunk. After a few pints the barman asks  "Why are you here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" "Well if you must  know" the farmer replies" I was milking my cow and just as the I got the  bucket full she took her left leg and kicked it over" "Whats the big deal?"  said the barman "Well I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the  left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as  the  bucket was about full she took her right leg and kicked it over" "So  what  did you do then?" asked the barman."I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. Then I sat back  down and continued to milk her.  Then just as I had got the bucket about full the stupid cow  knocked the  bucket over with her tail." "So then what did you do?" asked the barman. "Well I didn’t have any rope left so I took off my belt and tied her tail to  the rafter. And then my trousers fell down just as my wife walked in....."

 

A woman walks into her sex therapist’s office and tells her that her husband  is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what  to  do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug  called "Viagra" that might do the trick. She tells the woman  to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her  what happened.The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the  therapist that thepill worked, s he and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks hertherapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would  happen if she gave him five pills.

The therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.The next day, the woman comes in limping but happy, and tells the therapist  that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave  her husband the rest of the bottle of "Viagra".

The therapist says she doesn’t know; it’s an experimental drug and she doesn’t know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway,  the woman leaves the therapist’s office and put the rest of the bottle  of pills in   the husband’s morning coffee.

A week later, a young boy walks into the therapist’s office and says: "Are you the doctor who gave my mother a bottle of  experimental pills?"

"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"

"Well, mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my Butt hurts, and Dad’s sitting in  the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

 

 

 

   More than 100 million acts of sexual intercourse take place each    day    on the planet Earth, according to the condom-making   company Ansell    International.

There is reason to believe some of these acts happen  right here in     Australia, since Ansell sells 45 million of its products in this     country each year, and we’d notice if there were that many water    bombs    being thrown around.

As its contribution to World Aids Day yesterday, Ansell released    the    results of a survey on what Australians call the most   popular form   of    protection:

Banana Bandana; Body Armour; Childproof Lid; Dong Sarong;     Freudian Slip; Full Latex Jacket; Gene Pool; Gift Wrap; Great    Barrier    Sheath; Heaven’s Gate; Jump Suit; Manhole Cover; Mr Happy’s   Business    Suit; Popper Stopper; Pressure Cooker; Probe Robe;  Rascal Wrapper;    Wetness Protection Program; Woody’s Wetsuit.

 

 

 

   Boys and Girls

   --------------

   Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start     having an argument about whether boys are better than  girls. After   a    while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying ‘Boys are    better than girls cos you haven’t got one of these!!’.

  Jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she  hasn’t got   one    of those between her legs. She bursts out crying and   rushes inside   to    her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big   smile    on her face. 

   ‘My mum says girls are better than boys’, she says. 

   ‘No they’re not.’ says Johnny pulling down his shorts,   ‘You haven’t    got one of these!’.

 

   Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties    and    says ‘My mum says that as long as I’ve got one of these,  I can have   as    many of those as I want!!’

 

   Maths

   -----

   There was this jewish boy, his father didn’t have that much money    but    he sent his son to a hebrew school anyway. the father   wanted to get    really good grades. The boy got straight A’s in every subject   except    math. In math he got an F. This happened for the whole year.   Finally    the boy’s dad sent him to a catholic school, there the boy got    straight A’s in every subject for the whole year. His  dad asked him    how he got straight A’s in the catholic school and not the hebrew    school. The boy said that when he saw the guy hanging on the plus   sign    he knew they were really serious about math.

 

 

   You Shouldn’t Ask...

   --------------------

   Q: What’s the definition of ‘Trust’?

   A: Two male cannibals having oral sex

 

   Q: What has seventy-five balls and screws little old ladies?

   A: Bingo.

 

   Q: How are women like condoms?

   A: If they aren’t on your penis, they’re in your wallet.

 

   Q: What’s the definition of a yankee?

   A: It’s the same thing as a "quickie"-only you do it yourself.

 

   Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a deaf dog?

   A: A cock that won’t come.

 

   Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

   A: After 10 years the job still sucks.

 

   Q: Why can’t men catch Mad Cow Disease?

   A: Because they’re such pigs!

 

   Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: car, meat, eggs,    blowjob?

   A: The blowjob. You can beat your car, your eggs, or your meat;    but    you just can’t beat a blowjob.

 

 

   The Office Prayer

   -----------------

   Grant me

   The Serenity

   To accept the things I cannot change,

   The Courage

   To change the things I cannot accept, and

   The Wisdom

   To hide the bodies of those people

   I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

 

   Paddy the Irishman, Charles the Englishman and Jimmy the Scot    visited    a strip joint.

 

   The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a  g-string.       Jimmy (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and   sticks it on    her butt cheek. 

   Charles (trying to show up Jimmy) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it    and    sticks it on her other butt cheek. 

   Paddy pulls out his ATM card swipes it down the crack of her butt    and    puts the 20 and the 50 in his wallet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pub Translations 

     What we really mean (when we say things at the    pub)...

 

 

   "No, really, I’m OK to drive."

   --I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody  see who I’m    going    home with.

  

   "I’m not used to these darts."

   --I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool  cue when I   am    this bombed.

  

   "Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to    female/male    to    male/female to female)

   --You would look great face down in my lap.

  

   "You get this one, next round is on me."

   --We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

  

   "I’ll get this one, next one is on you."

   --Happy hour is about to end....now draughts are a dollar, but by    the    next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

  

   "I haven’t seen you around here for a long time."

   --You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

  

   "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"

   --I have no interest in talking to you except as a way  to get your     attractive friend into a compromising position.

  

   "Lets get out of here."

   --I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s     helmet.

  

   "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)

   --I’m easy.

  

   "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel" (male)

   --I’m gay.

  

   "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female/male to male/female to    female)

   --I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I  get to lick     you.

  

   "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female/male to male/female to    female)

   --If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll  do to you   on    the ride home?

  

   "I don’t feel well, let’s go home." (female)

   --You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

  

   "I don’t feel well, lets go home." (male)

   --I’m horny.

  

   "I’ve had like 10 beers already."

   --I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

  

   "Who’s got the next round?"

   --I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am  an expert at    diverting attention.

  

   "Excuse Me." (male to male)

   --Get the fuck out of the way.

  

   "Excuse Me." (male to female)

   --I am going to grope you now.

  

   "Excuse Me." (female to male)

   --Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the    way.

  

   "Excuse Me." (female to female).

   --Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway?  You are not     all    that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming   in    here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or  I’ll slap    you,    like the slut you are.

  

   "I’m out of here, I have to work in the morning."

   --I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have    been    avoiding him since football season.

  

   "What do you have on tap?"

   --What’s cheap?

  

   "Can I have a white Russian?" (male)

   --I’m really gay.

  

   "Can I have a white Russian?" (female)

   --I’m really easy.

  

   "You go ahead, I’ll catch a cab."

   --I already lined up a ride home with your "ex".

  

   "That person looks really familiar."

   --Did I sleep with him/her?

  

   "Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)

   --I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

  

   "Can I just get a glass of water?" (male)

   --It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking � hour ago. Hell, I     probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night,  it is the    least    you can do for me.

  

   "Do you have any Wild Turkey?"

   --I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him    in    the    morning.

  

   "I don’t have my ID on me." (female)

   --I’m 17.

  

   "I don’t have my ID on me." (male)

   --I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .08    after    my    last visit here.

 

 

 

MEN STRIKE BACK

  How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

  Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

  Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will    never be able to support you.

  Why do women have smaller feet than men?

  So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

  How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?

  When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

  How do you fix a woman’s watch?

  You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven.

 

  Why do men pass gas more than women?

  Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

  If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is   yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

  The dog of course...at least he’ll shut up after you let him    in.

  What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.

  I married Miss Right.

  I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt   her.

  What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

  Divorced.

  Bigamy is having one wife too many.

  Many say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a   woman’s sex drive by 90% ... ...wedding cake.

  Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding   ring, and suffe-ring.

  Why do brides wear white at the wedding?   So they will match the dishwasher the fridge and stove.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE ABSOLUTE WORST THINGS TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER  WHEN PULLED OVER

 

Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector  wasn’t plugged   in.

Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

 

Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me!  Good job!

 

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition  to be  a police officer?

 

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school  instead.

 

You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

 

Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.

 

Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops?"

 

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us  does.

 

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no  other  car around—that’s how far ahead of me they are.

 

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You’re the trained   specialist.

 

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun  fell  off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas  pedal,  forcing me to speed out of control.

 

Hey, is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this  .44 magnum.

 

   

   

     Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer       manufacturers have accepted the Australian Medical       Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels      be placed immediately on all beer containers:

   

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you    are whispering when you are not.

   

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in   dancing like a wanker.

   

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell   the same boring story over and over again until your    friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.   

   

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish

   WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe   that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them  at 4 in the morning.   

   

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering  what the hell happened to your trousers.

       

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you   can logically converse with other members of the opposite  sex without spitting.   

   

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you   have mystical Kung Fu powers.

       

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll   over in the morning and see something really scary (whose  species and or name you can’t remember.    

   

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of  inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

       

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion    that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some   really, really big guy named FRANZ.

   

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

       

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think   people are laughing WITH you.

       

     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in    the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes   large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE  pregnancy.

    

 

 

 

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he  decided to go   to  the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his   affliction.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are  getting ready   to  ejaculate, try startling yourself.  This will take your mind off sex and keep you going for much  longer. It  definitely works for me."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter  pistol.

All excited to try the new advice, he ran home to his wife, where he  foundher in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they moved themselves  intothe 69 position.  Moments later he felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and so fired the  starter  pistol. The next day he had to go back to the doctor.  The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Absolutely terrible" 

"How do you mean?" the doctor asked.

"Well, when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3  inches off   my  penis and my neighbour burst out of the closet with his hands in the   air!"

 

 

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:

 

CAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?

There is no way in hell I’m going to let any part of your body touch any   part of mine, again.

 

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.

... without you in it.

 

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?

We haven’t had a fight in a while.

 

NO, PIZZA’S FINE.

... you cheap slob!

 

I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.

I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.

 

I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

I can’t believe you have nothing planned.

 

COME HERE.

My puppy does this, too.

 

I LIKE YOU, BUT...

I don’t like you.

 

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.

... just not in that way.

 

YOU NEVER LISTEN.

You never listen.

 

WE’RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.

I’m not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym  has a girlfriend.

 

I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.

I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.

 

OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF.

I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going dutch.

 

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!

Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

 

I’M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.

We’re gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

 

 

 

A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

 

I’M HUNGRY.

I’m hungry.

 

I’M SLEEPY.

I’m sleepy.

 

I’M TIRED.

I’m tired.

 

I’VE GOTTA PEE.

Get out of the way.

 

I’VE GOTTA GO.

Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

 

CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME?

I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

 

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE?

I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

 

CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER?

I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

 

CAN I GET YOUR COAT?

I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

 

LET ME GET YOUR DOOR.

I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

 

MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?

I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

 

NICE DRESS!

Nice cleavage!

 

YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE.

I want to fondle you!

 

WHAT’S WRONG?

I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this.

 

WHAT’S WRONG?

What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

 

WHAT’S WRONG?

I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

 

I’M BORED.

Do you want to have sex?

 

I LOVE YOU.

Can we have sex now?

 

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

OK, I said it. We’d better have sex now!

 

GOOD MORNING.

That was great sex. Let’s have more!

 

SEE YOU LATER.

That was great sex. Let’s have more!

 

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.

I liked it better before.

 

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.

$50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

 

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.

For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

 

LET’S TALK, HONEY.

I’m trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.

 

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

 

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

 

 

 

A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING WHILE SHOPPING:

 

YES, THAT ONE’S NICE.

Why do you ask when you aren’t going to listen anyway?

 

THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.

Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

 

I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER.

Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

 

UH-HUH.

Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

 

Zzzzz Zzz Zzz Zzzzz . . . . . . . .

Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

 

I DON’T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER.

I'm Gay

 

A man is diagnosed with an incurable brain condition that sees him consulting a specialist.
  The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to  say.

  "Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

  This is an experimental procedure.   It might work, but the bad news is that brains   are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

  "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

  "For a female brain, $500,000.

  For a male brain, $200,000." Some of the younger female relatives   tried   to

  look shocked, but all the women nodded in understanding, and a few    actually

smirked. Then the patient’s son asked, "Why the difference in price    between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing   practice,"   said the head of the team.

"Men's brains have to be marked down  because   they’ve been used."

 

 

ELF PICKUPS...

1 "I’m down here!"

2 "Just because I’ve got bells on my feet doesn’t mean I’m a   sissy!"

3 I was a lawn ornament for Gary Sweet."

4 "I can get you off the naughty list!"

5 "I have certain needs that can’t be satisfied by working on   toys."

6 "I’m a magical being! Take off your bra!"

7 "It’s not size that matters babe!"

8 "I get a thimbleful of tequila into me and I turn into a wild  man!"

9 "You’d look hot in a Raggedy Ann wig!"

10 "I can eat my weight in cocktail frankfurts!"

 

BUT WAIT - THERE’S MORE!

 

11 "That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed."

12 "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"

13 "You have some nice jewellery. It would look good on my   nightstand."

14 "Chicks dig me - I wear coloured underwear!"

15 Look at the tag on her shirt and say "I wanted to see if you  were really   made in heaven."

16 "If I gave you neglig�e for my birthday, would there  be anything   in it  for me?"

17 "That’s a nice shirt - can I talk you out of it?"

18 "Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see  myself in   them."

19 "Do I know you from somewhere - or is it just that  you have your   clothes on?"

20 "Hi, I’m conducting a feel test of how many women have pierced   nipples."

21 "Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock it’s a gem!"

23 "What do like for breakfast?"

24 "Can I buy you a drink, or would you just like the money?"

25 "Would you like a gin & platonic or do you prefer scotch &   sofa?"

26 "Hey, how about pizza & a fuck?" "What, don’t you like pizza?"

27 "Would you like to have morning coffee with me?"

28 "Lets do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?"

29 "Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?"

30 "I don’t look like much now, I’m drinking milk."

31 "I’ve had quite a bit to drink tonight & you’re beginning to   look  pretty good!"

32 "I’ve got a thirst baby, and you smell like Gatorade!"

33 "Do you like chicken? Suck this, it’s foul!"

34 "Do you know the difference between hamburgers and head jobs?"   "No?

Let’s do lunch then!"

35 Hand out cards saying: "Smile if you want to sleep  with me" and   watch  them hold back their laughter.

36 At the photocopier: "Reproducing hey? Can I help?"

37 Motion with your finger for the girl to come over.  When she does  say "I  knew if I fingered you enough you’d come!"

38 Woman: "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man: "Do  you have the  energy?"

39 Woman: "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man: "Do you have a   place in

mind?"

40 When she asks for a match: "My penis, your vagina."

41 Walk over to a ladies table, take your dick out & say "Hey  Charlie,   anyone here you recognize?"

42 "Stand back, I’m a doctor! You get an ambulance, I’ll  loosen her  clothes!"

43 Holding out fingers: "Why should women masturbate with these   fingers?"

"Because they’re mine!"

44 "Hi, my name is {name}. How do you like me so far?"

45 "You look like a girl who has heard every single line in the  book - so   what’s one more!"

46 "Bond. James Bond."

47 "Excuse me, are you ready to go home yet?"

48 "Hi, I make more money than you can spend."

49 "Hi, can I buy you a car?"

50 "I’m new in town, can you give me directions to your   apartment?"

51 "Was your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars from  the sky   & put them in your eyes."

52 "Was you father an alien? Because there’s nothing  else like you   on  earth!"

53 "You know what I like about you?" "My arms."

54 "If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of  losing you."

55 "I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound  like a   line? Are you disappointed?"

56 "Who’s a nice girl doing in a place like this?"

57 "Do you have a 40 cents?" "Too bad, because I need to call my   mother  and tell her I just found the woman of my dreams."

58 "Do you have a map?" "I just keep on getting lost in  your eyes."

59 "Are you religious? Good, because I’m the answer to your   prayers."

60 "Did it hurt?" "When you fell from heaven?"

61 "Inheriting eighty million dollars doesn’t mean much when you  have a  weak heart."

62 "Excuse me, do you live around here often?"

63 "Excuse me, I’m a little short on cash. Mind if we  shared a cab   home  together?"

64 "What’s your sign?"

65 "Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you."

66 "What was that?" "That sound?" "The sound of my heart   breaking?"

67 "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U & I together."

68 "I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?"

69 "I was sitting here holding my cigarette when I realised I’d  rather be  holding you."

70 "If your parents hadn’t met, I’d be a very unhappy man right   now."

71 "I feel like Richard Gere, standing here next to you,  the Pretty   Woman."

72 "Sorry, I thought you were someone else, by the way, here’s my   card."

73 "Say, didn’t we go to different schools together?"

74 "Drop ‘em"

75 "Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?"

76 "Hey baby, let’s make some babies!"

77 "I think we have to make love like crazed weasels on the front  lawn   NOW!"

78 "Hey babe, can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden   hose?"

79 "Hey babe, can you suck start a Harley?

80 "Hey babe, wanna get lucky?"

81 To a mother: "Hey mother - want another?"

82 To a mother: "What is your favorite position on extramarital  sex?"

83 "Your place or mine?"

84 "Your place or the mens bathroom?"

85 "Your face or mine?"

86 "If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it  against me?"

87 "If I told you that you had an ugly body, would you hold it  against me?"

88 "Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?"

89 "I love you. I want to marry you. Now let’s fuck."

90 "Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids, lets play  gynecologist!"

91 "Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much  you   weigh."

92 "I wanna floss with your pubic hair!"

93 "I’m on fire, can I run through your sprinkler?"

94 "I’d look good on you!"

95 "Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?"

96 "I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something   else."

97 "I would kill or die to make love to you!"

98 "Sex is a killer... Want to die happy?"

99 "I love every bone in your body, especially mine."

100 "Now Bitch!"

101 "Fancy a fuck?"

102 "My face is leaving in 10 minutes - be on it!"

103 "Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?"

104 "I’m aboriginal. Do you have any aboriginal in you?"   "Would you  like  some?"

105 "I think you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever  seen... on a   Wednesday!"

106 "How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only Avon   cosmetics?"

107 "You’re ugly, but you interest me."

108 "Do you believe in one night stands?"

109 "With one touch I can make you make noise only dogs can hear!"

110 "I’m leaving this place - want to Cum?"

111 "Why, you’ve got the whitest teeth I’d ever want to  cum across!"

112 "Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here! Get  them while

they’re hot!"

113 "Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a  manfriends, come   and

talk to me!"

114 "You’ve got nice breasts, but are your nipples brown or pink?"

115 "Is it cold outside, or are you just smuggling tic-tacs?"

116 "Pardon me, but I was about to go home and  masturbate, and I was   wondering if you’d mind if I fantasize about you."

117 "Sit on my lap and well talk about the first thing that pops  up!"

118 "Sit on my lap and lets get things straight between us."

119 "You smell wet - let’s Party!"

120 "Pardon me miss, but I couldn’t help noticing that  you have cum   in  your hair."

121 "Gee, you don’t sweat much for a fat chick!"

122 "Miss, if you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the  box it came   in?"

123 "I saw you at the party last weekend, and you look kind of   interesting... Let’s meet sometime..."

124 "No, I’m not a cop. What can I get for $50?"

125 "You have the ass of a great artist."

126 "Let’s take a shower together - you smell."

127 "If I was Elvis, would you screw me?"

128 "Didn’t anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I   thought  you knew?"

129 "Cold out isn’t it?" (Staring at breasts)

130 "Hey... Somebody farted - lets get out of here!"

131 "I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use  your   body?"

132 "Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour   coordinated?"

133 "Do you sleep on your front?" "Do you mind if I do?"

134 "Do you want to go halves in a baby?"

135 "Ever played leap frog naked?"

136 "I’ll bet you ten bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30   seconds."

137 "Since we shouldn’t waste this day & age, what you say we use   these  condoms in my pocket before they expire?"

138 "Would you like to see me naked?"

139 "Anything drugs can do, I can do with my tongue!"

140 "Either way, I’m going to have you tonight, so you  might as well   be  there."

141 "Wanna go halves in a bastard?"

142 "Do you know the essential difference between sex and   conversation?"

"Do you want to go upstairs and talk?"

143 "Sit on my face and let me get to nose you better!"

144 "Excuse me, do you believe in love at first sight or do I have  to walk   past you again?"

145 "Fuck me if I’m wrong but you want to fuck me don’t you?"

146 "Fuck me if I’m wrong but you want to kiss me?"

147 "Fuck me if I’m wrong but isn’t you’re name Gretchen?"

148 "Hello Susie, your mummy couldn’t make it this afternoon. She   asked me

to pick you up and take you home. My that’s a pretty dress..."

149 "I’m really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look   ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a  nice back   rub. Are the straps too tight darling? How very, very tragic."

150 "Do you want to see something swell?"

151 "Hey babe, do you know my mouth can generate over 750 psi?"

152 "Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologise?"

153 "Wanna fuck like bunnies?

154 Follow these instructions:

1. Make sure that you are in front of the person you  are trying  to   attract.

2. Put your hands in a vertical plane and seperate  your hands to  the   desired distance.

3. Look at the person of your affections with a shit  eating, ear  to ear   grin. Shake your head up and down as to reply that you’re this  big.

155 "What would you do if I kissed you right now?"

156 "Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I’ve   broke  the ice, will you sleep with me?"

157 "I’m single!"

158 "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"

159 "I’m drunk."

160 "Would you like to come and party in my tool shed?"

161 "Will you marry me and have my children?"

162 "You know, I’d really like to fuck your brains out,  but it seems   somebody beat me to it!"

163 To someone just out of the shower: "Can I borrow your towel?"

164 "I’ve got an itch. Lower. Lower."

165 "If you want me, don’t wake me, or shake me, just take me."

166 "Hi, I’m a flight steward."

167 "May I please rest my head on your shoulder?"

168 Hold up a vibrator: "Do you know how to use one of these?"

169 "Fuck me if I’m wrong, but haven’t we met before?"

170 "I’m not trying to pressure you, I don’t want to have sex   without

mutual consent; Oh and by the way, you have my consent."

171 "I’m sure you didn’t mean to turn me on with your big ass, but   it’s

too late now!"

172 "Hi, I’m taking a survey. Do you spit or swallow?"

173 "I think I’m falling in love with you. Now do you  want to fuck?"

174 "I haven’t seen you in a while, you sure look  different without   my  dick in your mouth."

175 "Hi. My name’s Campbell. You’ll be screaming that later."

176 "What winks and fucks like a tiger?" (said while winking)

177 "What are you drinking?" ("_______") "Wanna screw?"

178 "Yo. You’ll do."

179 "I’ve never driven a cadillac, whats your name?"

180 "Would you like to dance?" "No? I’m sorry you must have   misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants."

181 "Hi I’m in the army, I blow up cunts, Can I blow up yours?"

182 "Nice arse, mind if I use it for a hat?

183 "Do you think that God is a homosexual?" "Well I think that he   must  have loved men when he made you."

184 "I'm in the process of writing a telephone book. May I  have your   number?"

185 "You’re cuter than a speckled pup."

186 "You’re prettier than a beer truck pulling up in my driveway!"

187 " Hi, I’m "trisexual." I’ll try anything once!"

188 "Are you SURE you’re wearing make-up?"

189 "Have you heard about the exciting new G-spot discoveries?"

190 "I don’t think I’ve let money make me feel all that special."

191 "You look like that woman who ran for Governor of New Jersey."

192 "What a hot pair of prefrontal lobes you have!"

193 "Are you the person from the Nobel Prize committee  I’m supposed   to  meet here?"

194 "Have you ever spent LOTS of money just for the fun of it?"

195 "I *love* women who aren’t afraid to put on a few pounds."

196 "Hi, can I buy you several drinks?"

 

 

PLAIN FACTS

Scientists have determined that the average time for  intercourse is four minutes. The average number of strokes per minute is nine,  and since the average length is six inches, the average girl receives two  hundred and sixteen inches or eighteen feet per intercourse. The average girl does it  three times a week, fifty weeks a year, and so 150 times 18 makes 2700 feet, or just a little over half a mile.

So girls, if you are not getting your half a mile a year, why not let  the   man who gave you this card help you to catch up!

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship  with Canadian authorities  off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

 

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

 

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a   collision.

 

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to  avoid a collision.

 

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR   course.

 

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

 

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST  SHIP IN THE  UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,   THREE  CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR   COURSE  15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL  BE  UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

 

 

Aquarius (Jan 18 - Feb 19)

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 21)

You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 22 - April 23)

You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a dipshit.

Taurus (April 24 - May 23)

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 24 - June 23)

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 24 - July 23)

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which  makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you  will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everyone in Prison   is a Cancer.

Leo (July 24 - Aug 23)

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot.

Most Leos a are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism.

Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and  enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sept 23)

You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 24 - Oct 23)

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All  Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 23)

You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Many Jews are Scorpios. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 24 - Dec 23)

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks.  You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 24 - Jan 23)

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself. Capricorns have the word ‘bitch’ written all over   them.

 

 

 

Crossing the Road

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken ™: It’s already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...

C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn’t have to cross the road, you’d simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken) Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets) Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken. Newton Chicken: Can’t cluck, can’t fly, and can’t lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don’t dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked. Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken: Don’t you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there’s no way to tell it to.

Al Gore Chicken: Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it’s finished, assuming he’s re-elected and the Republicans don’t gut the program.

COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN

PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL

ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

 

 

Bumper Stickers

* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be  Assimilated.

 

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

 

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

 

* Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

 

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

 

* A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball  peen hammer.

 

* Keep honking, I’m reloading.

 

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

 

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

 

* Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"... until you can  find a rock.

 

 

 

  Weight watchers.

  Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the    cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the   first place, you   fat bastards.

     

  Smokers.

  Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new  pack up a fat    friend’s arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box.

  The possibility   of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking   any of them.  

    

  Make your girlfriend cry when you’re having sex by phoning  her up and    telling her.  

    

  Dyslexics.

  Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least   you have a chance   of spelling them correctly.  

    

  Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic    explorer by   simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their  noses blue, and   cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

 

  If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic.

  Simply pour a jug   of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage   is  almost   instantly removed.

 

  Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by   getting someone   else to hold them while you chop away.

 

  Housewives:

  When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff   broom in the boot   of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of    the road every   time you have a minor accident.

 

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and   nodding at    people as they walk up the aisle.

 

  Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The   following morning   you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a  thimble full of   washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

 

  Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the   seaside by pouring   a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

 

  Increase blind people’s electricity bills by switching all    their lights on   when their guide dog isn’t looking.

 

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your   own home by    filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then    urinating into it, before jumping in.

 

  Girls.

  Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday?

  Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag   every bloke who   looks at you over the fence.

 

  Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary    one and slip a   handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

 

  X-Files fans.

  Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two    bottles of   vodka.* You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the   following morning,   having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.

 

  Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any   cuts and  grazes   with thin strips of bacon.

 

  Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by   simply changing   your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y

 

  Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand    closer to  the   object you wish to view.  

   

  Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus  arriving fully    refreshed and on time.

 

  Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your    fingernails and   talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing   loudly, or set   fire to someone else’s house.

 

  Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl  makes the    fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

  Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in   the direction    of oncoming traffic.

          

Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

 

  Anorexics.

  When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating   cakes again.

 

  A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes   an ideal coat   hanger in an emergency.

 

  Hijackers.

  Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,     imprisonment or death   by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended   destination in the   first place.

 

  Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of   air over any   that you catch in the act.

 

  An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes   an inexpensive   vibrator.

 

  Olympic athletes.

  Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by     running a bit   slower.

     

  Pretend you’re a giant panda by giving yourself two black   eyes, eating only   bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

 

  Leeds or Chelsea fans.

  Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large   fake penis to   your forehead. It is now clear to   all, as to your allegiance.

 

  Leeds or Chelsea fans.

  Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating    furiously with   your left arm too.

 

  Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by   simply pissing   in the sink.

   

  Smokers.

  Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next   fag from the butt   of your last one.

 

  Vegetarians coming to dinner?

  Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they’re    always going on   about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc ‘tastes exactly   like the real   thing’, they won’t know any difference.

 

  Invited by vegetarians for dinner?

  Point out that since you’d no doubt be made aware of their    special dietary   requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

 

  Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of ‘rodeo sex’.    Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her   jugs, call her   by  the wrong name. See how long you can ‘stay mounted’ for.

 

  Drivers.

  Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.  

  HGV drivers.

  When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in  is the LEFT    fucking one.

   

  What’s the greatest worldwide use of cowhide?  To hold cows   together.

 

 

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an  assassin. These  highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a  lot of  testing  and background checks involved before you can even be  considered  for the  position.

 

After sending some applicants through the background checks,  training and   testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men  and a  woman, but  only one position was available.

 

The day came for the final test to see which person would  get the   extremely  secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one  of the  men to a  large metal door and handed him a gun.

 

We must know that you will follow your instructions no  matter what  the   circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will  find   your wife  sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

 

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can’t  be   serious! I  could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man,  "You’re  definitely not the right man for this job then."

 

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a  gun.

"We must  know that you will follow instructions no matter what the   circumstances",  they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your  wife  sitting in a  chair. Take this gun and kill her."

 

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took  the gun  and went  in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the  door   opened.

 

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I  tried to   shoot her,  I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess   I’m  not the right  man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don’t  have what  it takes.  Take your wife and go home."

 

Now they’re down to the woman left to test.

 

Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and  handed  her the   same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow  instructions no   matter what the  circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find   your  husband  sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door  even

closed all  the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot  after   another for

13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the  walls.

This went on  for several minutes, then all went quiet. 

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She  wiped the  sweat   from her brow and said You guys didn’t tell me the gun was  loaded   with blanks!

I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

 

 

 

TIPS FOR MANAGERS AND BOSSES

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.

 

 

Subject: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

Attention : ALL EMPLOYEES

 

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS for SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING for SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST for SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

 

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

 

 

  An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs   and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping   his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she  ordered her   drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, Are you a real cowboy?

  Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking    horses, mending fences... I guess I am, replied the cowboy.

  After a short while he asked her what she was. I’ve never been on a    ranch so I’m not a cowboy, said the young woman, but I am a    lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get  up    in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV,    everything seems to make me think of women.

  A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A    couple sat down next to him and asked, Are you a real cowboy?

I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian....

 

 

A Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, stop now you’ve been relieved."

 

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with   another man.

So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Umm, well,  you know...in a vice.

He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You’re not going to...to...cut   it off, are you???!?"

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, 

"Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire."

 

 

Attention: Desperately seeking technical support:

 

I’m currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and having some   problems. I’ve been running Drinking Buddies 1.0 all along as  my primary   application, and all the Girlfriend releases have conflicted with it.

 

I hear the Drinking Buddies won’t crash if you run Girlfriend in  Background mode with the sound switched off. But I’m  embarrassed to say  that I can’t find the switch to turn it off. I just run them

separately,  and it works OK.

 

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my  Golf program,   often trying to abort it with some sort of timing incompatibility.

 

I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I  thought I might   see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who  has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. 

He said that I probably didn’t have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0  and that eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He  was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were  supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus.  I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very  cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe  first and also installed virus protection. It worked OK for a while  until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system!

I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still  installed,   but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn’t know about that   automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates

with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both  versions!

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some  problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in  some obscure  language that I can’t understand, much less re-program.

 

Frankly, I think that there is too much attention paid to the look and  feel and not enough to the desired functionality. Also, to  get the best  connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated  contacts. And I’ve never liked how Girlfriend is Totally  ‘object-oriented’.

 

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to   GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of   Girlfriend. He discovered that GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires

within a year  if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon   after that, you  have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a ‘huge resource  hog’.

 

It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of  the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is that it came bundled  with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation  module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,  particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try.

 

On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system  before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for  it, Wife 1.0  came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up  feature that he  can’t turn off.

 

I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if  you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will  delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.

 

Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway due to insufficient resources.   Anybody out there able to offer technical advice.......????

 

 

RESPONSE:

 

Having assessed your dilemma I can only make a couple of suggestions.

 

There is the third party software Pro 1.0 (Quick fix) which  is designed  to relieve some of those problems. It runs in conjunction  with Drinking  Buddies 1.0 with no crashing problems like those associated with  Girlfriend. As you had previously discovered before though  this software  can have some severe virus repercussions. If there seems to  be no other  way around these problems then I can only suggest that you dump the  computer totally and revert to the tried and true manual method. Do  everything by hand.

 

I hope these suggestions can help.

 

 

The latest nominees for the 1999 Darwin awards:

 

A 34 yr. old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of   suffocation, police said. He was approximately 6’ 2" and 225  lb. He was  wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle  shoes, and a   woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s   uniform

look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter  canister   removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the  hose   was connected to a hollow wooden section of bedpost approximately 12  inches   long and 3 inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted  into his rear   end  for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.

 

Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to  his   family members "very awkward".

 

**********

 

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low  altitude when   another plane approached. It appears they decided to "moon" the   occupants  of the other plane, but lost control of the plane and crashed. They   were  all found dead in the wreckage with their pants  around their ankles.

 

**********

 

A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911. She  had   no details before arriving except that someone was reporting that his  father   was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man  face down on   the  couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse  and to start  CPR  if necessary, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the

ambulance arrived and removed the man (who turned out to be dead on  arrival   at hospital), the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and  noticed   that the man had made a hole between the cushions.

Upon flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death. 

Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the  cushions,   down into the hole and between two electric sanders (with the  sandpaper   removed for obvious reasons). According to the story, after  his orgasm   the...ahem...discharge shorted out one of the sanders,  electrocuting him   to

death.

 

**********

 

(AP) LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the name of a  Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after responding to  complaints  from   neighbors that a bad smell was coming from his apartment.  Upon entering   the  apartment, officers were surprised to see that every square

inch of the  apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the   toilet, were  covered with pornographic images cut from magazines. "The   visual effect  was  very unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. "Because  everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall  ended and  a  doorway began." The surprises did not end there, however. Police  described

the man as having "concocted a wire frame around his head"  upon which he  had  taped various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move   about  his apartment without ever losing his close-up view of nude bodies.

Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his way, but  according to Hradj, "He had almost no peripheral vision. He  could barely  see   a thing." The man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a   hanging lamp. "We think he had been dusting," said another police   officer,

"because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had  somehow   become caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling." The man   allegedly choked to death trying to extricate himself from his  predicament.

According to his apartment manager, the white male in his  mid-30’s never   left his apartment, and had food delivered weekly. Funeral  services are   planned for next week.

 

His next of kin requested that his name be withheld.

 

**********

 

A young Inuit man, searching for a way of getting drunk  cheaply because  he   had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not  surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the  fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his  house down, killing both him and his sister.

 

*********

A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a highway near   Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her  passenger and   killing her. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have  qualified for a Darwin nomination were it not for the fact that the  driver’s attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi  keyring, which  had  started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In  attempting to  press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi’s life, the  woman lost  her   own.

 

   Two engineers boarded a flight out of Kalgoorlie. One sat   in the window    seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

  

   Just before take-off, a geologist got on and took the aisle    seat next to    the two engineers. The Geo kicked off his shoes, wiggled   his toes and was    settling in when the engineer in the window seat said, "I

  think I’ll get    up    and get a coke."

  

   "No problem," said the Geo, "I’ll get it for you."  

   While he was gone, one of the engineers picked up the  Geo’s shoe and    spat in it. When the Geo returned with the coke, the other    engineer said,    "That looks good, I think I’ll have one too."

  

   Again, the Geo obligingly went to fetch it and while he was    gone, the    other engineer picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The   Geo returned    and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

  

   As the plane was landing, the Geo slipped his feet into his    shoes and    knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go   on?" the Geo    asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This   animosity?

   This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

  

 

 

More useless Facts

  - If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have  produced     enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

  - If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is   produced    to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

  - The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the  body to     squirt blood 30 feet.

  - Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

  - Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for  pleasure.

  - On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

  - The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

  - It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

  - You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.

  - Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

  - Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

  - Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne  cork     than by a poisonous spider?

  - In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,   including    their eyebrows and eyelashes.

  - A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

  - A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

  - The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its  own    weight    and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

  - Polar bears are left handed.

  - The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds; that makes the catfish  rank #1    for    animal having the most taste buds.

  - The flea can jump 350 times its body length; that is like a human   jumping    the length of a football field.

  - A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it  starves to     death.

  - The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is  attached to its    body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

  - Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (Really?)

  - Butterflies taste with their feet.

  - Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

  - A cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.

  - An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

  - Starfishes haven’t got brains.

 

 

 

 

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

"Where’s the goddam, mother fucking Manager, you cock sucking arse wipe?" he politely inquires to one of the waiters.

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking, manager of this bastard joint?".

"Yes sir, I am," replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fuck off" replies the bloke "and where’s the fucking piano?"

"Pardon ?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well, are we? You little piece of sniveling shit,

show me your pissing piano"

"Ahhhh!" replies the manager, "you’ve come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?".

"Of course I can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"That’s superb. What’s it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob," replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.

The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager "What’s it called?"

"Wanted a wank over the washin’ machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what’s this called ?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke’s language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn’t introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on, she’s wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little ‘G’ string she’s wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She’s sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! (get the picture). Anyway its too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to ‘wrestle with his bald headed champ’. He’s pulling away furiously when he hears the managers voice "Where’s that bastard pianist?".

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping jism on your shoes?".

The bloke replies "Know it ? I fucking wrote it!"

 

 

It was Friday evening and having just been paid, Seamus and  Murphy were

trying  to decide where to go that night.

 

"I know" said Murphy, "There’s a great club in town we ought to try."

 

"What’s it like?" ask Seamus

 

"Well, you go into the club up to the bar where they give you a free

drink. Then  you go upstairs for a shag. Then you go back to the bar and

have another  free  drink. After twenty minutes you go upstairs for another shag. "

 

"After this you go to the bar again and have another free

drink and then  go  upstairs again and have another shag!. "

 

"After this you go downstairs, have a final drink and leave. On the way

out they  give you a hundred quid and you go home."

 

"Christ!" said Seamus, "That sounds great. Have you been before?"

 

"No," said Murphy, "but my sister has".

 

 

 

 

   The Queen was visiting one of Australia’s top hospitals,  and during  her    tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was    masturbating.  "Oh my God", said the Queen, "that’s disgraceful,  what is    the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am  sorry    your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the  testicles     rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that 5 times a day,   they’ll    explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry", said the  Queen.

   On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse  was giving   a    patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What’s happening    there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health cover."

 

 

  TOP 10 REAL DUMBIES!

 

   1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an     airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16    bills.

 

   2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old    friend    in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced    shooting beer cans off each other’s head.

 

   3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety    record

   showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of    safety

   goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News,    the

   film’s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic    that    twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to   leave    the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man   required    seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a  chair while    watching the film.

 

   4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear

   weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating  one within    city

   limits.

 

   5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in  St. Louis,    but

   by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen  pedestrians    had

   boarded the bus and had begun to complain of  whiplash injuries    and

   back pain.

 

   6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored  13 years on    a

   book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page     manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000    strips

   of paper in seconds when a worker confused the  copier with the

   shredder.

 

   7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then  a few days

   later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for  robbery. At     lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to  see him, and    thus    had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and    arrested    him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen   over    the lunch hour.

 

   8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by    placing

   a metal colander on his head and connecting it with  wires to a     photocopy machine. The message "He’s lying" was   placed in the    copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they   thought    the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the "lie   detector"    was working, the suspect confessed.

 

   9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan,    refused to

   hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man    threatened to

   call the police. They still refused, so the robber  called the     police and was arrested.

 

   10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking,"    stole 

   a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until  an officer     stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

 

 

 

   ---

 

 

   BUNGEE JUMPING IN MEXICO

 

   Eke and Zeb decided to build a bungee jumping tower  in Cabo San

   Lucas, to make a little money. After they got it set up, they    noticed

   the crowds gather, but nobody bought tickets....

 

   Zeke told Zeb, "Maybe we should demonstrate it, so  they’ll get   the

   idea." After Zeb was strapped in he jumped, falling almost all    they

   way to the ground before springing back. As Zeb came back up,    Zeke

   noticed that his clothes were all torn and wondered what this is    was

   all about.

 

   Zeb went down again and this time when he came back, up Zeke

   noticed that Zeb was bleeding. Zeke thought,  "Wow...what’s going   on

   here? Is the cord too long? Is he hitting ground?"

 

   Zeb went back down for a third time, and this time when he    sprung

   back up, Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all    over

   his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and asked, "Zeb, what happened?"

 

   Zeb groaned out in obvious pain, "I don’t know...  but what’s a

   pinata?

 

 

 

   ---

   

       A MATTER OF GRAVITY

 

   I remember my first skydiving instructor. During class he    would  

   take time to answer any of our stupid first-timer   questions. One   guy

   asked: "If our chute doesn’t open... and the reserve  doesn’t open,   how

   long do we have ‘til we hit the ground?"

 

   Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan

answered:

 

   "The rest of your life."

 

 

   IDIOTS AT WORK

 

   Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

 

 

   I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when

   the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the

   back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not

   complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When

   I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare

   the signature on the credit card with the signature I just

   signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front

   of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I

   signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

 

 

   IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY

 

   After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate,

   I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My

   boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he

   was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just

   south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

 

   ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

 

   An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &

   Safety Handbook for Employees:"

   "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

   Horse and chicken were the best of friends. They did everything    together.

   One day, horse and chicken were walking in the farmer’s  field when,    suddenly, horse began to sink in a quagmire. "Quick",   said horse to    chicken, "go find farmer to pull me out". Chicken raced  back to the    farmhouse, but could not find the farmer. He raced to  the barn, but   could    not find the farmer. He raced to the stables, but could not find  the    farmer. Dejected, he returned to horse who, by this time,  was up to  his     neck in quag. "I couldn’t find him", said chicken. "Never mind",   replied    horse, "go get the farmer’s BMW and pull me out yourself". So off  raced     chicken. A few minutes later, chicken drove up to the horse in the     farmer’s BMW, attached a tow-rope to horse and, in a matter of   moments,    had pulled horse to safety.

 

   A few weeks later, whilst walking in the same field, chicken fell   into   the

   same quagmire and began to sink. "Quick", said chicken to horse,   "go   find

   the farmer to pull me out". "Forget that", replied horse, "the  quagmire    is not too wide. I’ll straddle it with my legs and lower myself  down to    you. Grab hold of my willy with your beak and I’ll yank you out".   Chicken    dutifully followed horse’s instructions and, in a matter  of moments,  he     was out of the quagmire.

 

   Moral of the Story : If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a  BMW   to    pull the chicks.

 

===============================================

 

13 Rules For Surviving A Horror Movie

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

4. Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.

5. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. If you’re searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it’s not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

7. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

8. No sex, beer or partying! Any of these activities will surely seal your fate.

9. If you find a town which is deserted, it’s probably for a reason.

Take the hint and stay away.

10.Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.

11.Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylavania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

12.If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

13.Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

 

 

Revenge On Telemarketers

 

One thing that has always bugged me, and I’m sure it does most of you,

is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by

 

a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to

try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from

 

AT&T and it went something like this:

 

Me: Hello

 

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

 

Me: Is this AT&T?

 

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

 

Me: This is AT&T?

 

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

 

Me: Is this AT&T?

 

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

 

Me: May I ask who is calling?

 

AT&T: This is AT&T.

 

Me: OK, hold on.

 

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes

thinking that,

surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise,

when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

 

 

Me: Hello?

 

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

 

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

 

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

 

Me: Is this AT&T?

 

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

 

Me: This is AT&T?

 

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

 

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

 

AT&T: Yes sir.

 

Me: The phone company?

 

AT&T: Yes sir.

 

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

 

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

 

Me: I already have a phone.

 

AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today Mr. Byron.

 

Me: Well whatever it is, I’m really not interested but thanks for

calling.

 

When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you

can express

yourself any plainer than by saying "I’m really not interested", but

this lady was persistent.

 

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute,

24 hours a

day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

 

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10

cents a minute

but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was

time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

 

Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

 

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir

that’s right! 24 hours a day!

 

Me: 7 days a week?

 

AT&T: That’s right.

 

Me: 365 days a year?

 

AT&T: Yes sir.

 

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!

 

AT&T: We think so!

 

Me: That’s quite a sum of money!

 

AT&T: Yes sir, it’s amazing how it ads up.

 

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one

at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual

check, can I get a cash advance?

 

AT&T: Excuse me?

 

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

 

AT&T: What are you talking about?

 

Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a

week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and

$52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will

be making

payment.

 

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us

10 cents a

minute. Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn’t you say you’d give

me 10 cents

a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

 

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

 

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll

give me 10

cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind

of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things

like this in

the Enquirer you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on

me!

 

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

 

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

 

AT&T: Sir I don’t think that is necessary.

 

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

 

AT&T: What?

 

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

 

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.

 

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I

begin to eat

while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and

while I have a mouth full of food:

 

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

 

Me: Yeth?

 

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our

10 cents a

minute program.

 

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

 

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

 

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to

suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

 

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so

that I could sign up for the plan.

 

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the

person who was

helping you.

 

Me: Thank you.

 

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I

needed to end

this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but

polite voice at

the other end of the phone.

 

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing

up for our plan?

 

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can

never have

enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a

little brother...

 

AT&T: (click)

===============================================

Some Guy & A Magic Lamp

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah blah blah! This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three of them. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete ... how much steel! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’... know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

 

===============================================

Waiter & The Spoon

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.

A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men’s room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don’t actually touch myself, there’s no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants???"

"Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon!!!"

 

 

  Answering that age old question, "Why Didn’t He Call?":

 

  Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted   mental condition known to psychologists as: The Fear That If You   Get Attached to a Woman, Some Unattached Guy, Somewhere, Will Be   Having More Fun Than You. This is why all married guys assume   that all unmarried guys lead lives of constant excitement

  involving hot tubs full of naked international fashion models; whereas    in   fact for most unmarried guys, the climax of the typical evening   is watching an infomercial for Hair-in-a-Spray can while eating    onion dip straight from the container. (This is also true of    married guys, although statistically they are far more likely   to be using a spoon.)

 

  So guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments, or even   to take any steps that might lead to commitment.   This is why, when a guy goes out on a date with a woman and   finds himself really liking her, he often will demonstrate his   affection by avoiding her for the rest of his life. Women are    puzzled by this, "I don’t understand," they say, "We had such a   great time!

  Why doesn’t he call?"

 

  The reason is that the guy, using the linear guy thought   process, has realized that if he takes her out again, he’ll   probably like her even more, so he’ll take her out again, and   eventually they’ll fall in love with each other, and they’ll get   married,

  and they’ll have children, and then they’ll have grandchildren, and    eventually they’ll retire and take a trip around the world, and they’ll   be   walking hand-in-hand on some spectacular beach in the South Pacific,   reminiscing about the lifetime of experiences they’ve shared   together, and then several naked international fashion models will    walk up and invite him to join them in a hot tub, and he won’t be able    to do it.

 

 

 

 

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it. Dear, the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice looking ass.

 

Next time you think you’re having a bad day, remember

these . . .

 

1.The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon  Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of  the  most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid  cheers  and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a  killer whale.

 

2.A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a  carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.  After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe,  leaving her mentally retarded.

 

3.In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world   flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight  hours   short of the 400 day record; his sponsor had gone bust; his girlfriend  had   left him; and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

 

 

4.A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking  frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards  the  electric kettle. Intending to jolt him way from the deadly current she  whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm  in two places. Till that moment, he had been happily listening to his  Walkman.

 

 

5.Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of  sending   pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of   them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two  hapless protesters to death.

 

 

6.Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a  letter   bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.   Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

 

 

 

NEW YORK—New York City

P olice commissioner Howard Safir issued a formal apology Monday for  the accidental shooting-death of a 38-year-old Jamaican  immigrant in the Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn.

 

Robert Livingston, who had emigrated from  Kingston last July, was surrounded   and killed by 27  police officers on April 20 while  standing on the stairs  in front of an apartment building  reaching for what the  officers thought was a gun. The  object turned out to be  a doorbell.

"We deeply regret that this  terrible tragedy has  happened," said Safir, reading an  official NYPD  statement at City Hall. "But I must   stress that it was understandable given  the circumstances. There was no way those officers could have  known for  certain that Mr. Livingston was not heavily armed  and about to kill them."

 

According to NYPD sources, at approximately 11:30 a.m.  on the day  in

question, a detachment of 12 officers observed  Livingston, a delivery driver for a Chinese restaurant,  standing at the  entrance to an apartment building "acting in a suspicious  and aggressive manner." After ignoring the officers’ repeated commands  to  put down the threatening item in his hand, a bag  containing a double order of General Chao’s Chicken and a  pint of rice,  Livingston reached for the doorbell. The officers  responded by opening fire on his strategic top-of-the-stairs position  from  point-blank range, discharging their standard-issue  9mm handguns 245 times and striking him with approximately 175  teflon-coated hollow-point slugs.

 

Defiantly ignoring the officers’ orders to freeze, Livingston  dropped   to the floor and convulsed wildly, kicking and thrashing  and hurling blood in all directions.

 

"It was an extremely dangerous, volatile situation,"

Brooklyn 26^th  Precinct Sgt. Raymond Sullivan said. "We were dealing  with a man who was out of control and willing to do anything  to stop us.  It  was clear that subduing him would necessitate  extreme measures."

 

After calling for backup, the officers threw 25 phosphorus  grenades  at the suspect and opened fire with 12-gauge riot  shotguns, their vision aided by the illumination of  Livingston’s body,  which was burning at roughly 1,500 degrees. Though most

of Livingston’s clothes had melted off, officers concentrated  their fire   on  his remaining shoe, which they feared held a concealed  weapon.

 

Once 15 extra officers and an NYPD armory van had  arrived on the  scene, Det. James McPhee took 10 men to the top of  the stairs to engage Livingston in hand-to-hand-combat.

 

"Mr. Livingston attempted to resist, raising his  remaining forearm    and striking at the officers’ weapons with his face, teeth,  knees and genitals," McPhee told reporters. "Acting in  accordance with   standard police procedure, we countered by stabbing  the suspect 59 times in the chest and throat."

 

Patrolman Edward Caggiano, who sustained a mild bruise  when hit by  a

piece of Livingston’s jaw in the melee, then  grabbed the suspect’s head and began standard-procedure neck-snapping.  According to the officers involved, Livingston’s head then  attempted  to flee the scene by separating from his torso and  proceeding down the front steps. "I shouted several times for the   fleeing

head to halt," Caggiano said. "But the more I yelled,  the faster it seemed to roll. After every other option and tactic was  exhausted, we were finally left with no choice but to subdue  the head with rocket launchers."

 

Forensics experts said they hope to recover the several  thousand  missing fragments of the head by next week.

 

Shortly after 1 p.m., Livingston was finally brought  under control  when a second team of officers impaled his headless body  on a sharpened oak pole. Once the body was skewered, members  of the NYPD   medical team were given clearance to move  in and administer a lethal injection.

 

Speaking at a press conference Monday, New York mayor Rudolph  Giuliani called for the immediate paid suspension of  all 27 officers involved in the incident. He also urged Safir to keep  the  officers suspended "until they can be cleared of all

wrongdoing following an extensive internal NYPD investigation  that will   conclude sometime Friday afternoon."

 

"And to the families of those officers involved," Giuliani said,   "I  would like to extend my deepest, most heartfelt apologies.  Your loved ones went through a terrible trauma, and I want to  assure you  that the New York Police Department is doing

everything in its power to help them put it behind them."

 

 

 

ISDN It Still Does Nothing

APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI System Can’t See It

DOS Defective Operating System

BASIC Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM "I Blame Microsoft"

DEC Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly

OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too

WWW World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH Most Application Crash; If Not The Operating System

Hangs

PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect  Understanding of

Maths

COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP Lost of Infuriatingly Silly Parentheses

MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only  Fools   Teenagers

 

 

This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him,

he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank.

Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump,

Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father

Christmas. The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to

jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "I will grant you three wishes

on the understanding that you will do me one favour". "Would you?"

the man replies. "That would be wonderful!! Thank you so much" Father

Christmas grants him the three wishes:

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her

sexy underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return,

she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and

continue with

your work. Your salary will have increased by $350,000 p.a. Also,

nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have

no outstanding bills.

 

Oh thank you, thank you !" says the man.

"What is it that I can do for you?"

Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over. After

quite a brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.

"36" replies the man. "You’re a bit old to believe in Father   Christmas" laughs the jolly fat gay bastard.

 

 

 

Design Flaws

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At  the gates, the guy tells Ford, ‘Well, you’ve been such a good guy and  your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang  out with anyone you want in heaven.’

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says:

‘I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.’-So the guy at  the gates   points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks ‘Hey aren’t you the inventor of   woman?’

Adam says: ‘Yes.’

‘Well,’ says Ford, ‘You have some major  design flaws in your invention:

1) There is too much front end  protrusion

2) It chatters at high speeds

3) The rear end wobbles too much

4) and the intake is too close to  the exhaust.’

‘Hmmmmm..’ says Adam, ‘hold on’. So Adam goes to the celestial   computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The  computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says  to Ford, ‘It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the  stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.’

 

 

Stuff you really should

know!

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

(Hence the insult, "You are such a goldfish".)

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building  it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that  falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors  for the cat to realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

(Editor’s note: If the cat survives 20 floors it may regret it.)

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks  otherwise itwill digest itself.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon  features with both parents that are present and don’t die throughout  the movie.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left   hand.

To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, push your thumbs into its   eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.(There’s one I’m going to try   soon.)

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

No word in the English language rhymes  with month, orange, silver and purple.

The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The very first bomb dropped by the  Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the  Berlin Zoo.

More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100^th of a second.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A whale’s penis is called a dork.

It was discovered on a space mission  that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach  first, so the  stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses

its forearms  to dig out all of the stomach’s contents and then swallows   the stomach  back down again. (Blecch!)

Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

 

 

 

 

   Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

   Customer: "Ok."

   Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

   Customer: "No."

   Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

   Customer: "No."

   Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done    up until this

   point?"

   Customer: "Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote   ‘click’."

   (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the    rest of the

   tech support staff what had happened. I couldn’t,  however, stop from

   giggling    when I got back to the call.)

   Tech Support: "Ok, did you type ‘click’ with the keyboard?"

   Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

 

 

 

   One woman called Dell’s toll-free line to ask how to    install the batteries

   in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the   first page of the

   manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for    this damn thing,

   and I’m not going to read the book."

 

 

   Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I    am still getting

   he same error message."

   Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

   Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

  

 

   Customer: "I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

   Tech Support: "Tell me what you’ve done."

   Customer: "I typed ‘A:SETUP’."

   Tech Support: "Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

   Customer: "It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk’."

   Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

   Customer: "What?"

   Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

   Customer "No..."

 

   Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the    screen, can you see

   the ‘OK’ button displayed?"

   Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

  

 

   Customer: "I’m having a problem installing your software.   I’ve got a

   fairly old computer, and when I type ‘INSTALL’, all it   says is ‘Bad    command

   or    file name’."

   Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go    to A:\ and type

   ‘dir’." Customer reads off a list of file names, including    ‘INSTALL.EXE’.

   Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type   ‘INSTALL’    again."

   Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says ‘Bad command or file name’."

   Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file’s there in the correct    place-it can’t help

   but do something. Are you sure you’re typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L    and hitting the

   Enter key?"

   Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still    ‘Bad command or

   file name’."

   Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you’re typing

   I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says ‘Enter’?"

   Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my ‘N’ key is stuck, so I’m   using the ‘M’

   key...does that matter?

 

  

 

 

      Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this   install disk, and

   now my A: drive won’t work."

   Tech Support: "Your A drive won’t work?"

   Customer: "That’s what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it    got stuck in my

   drive, now it won’t work at all."

   Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of    error messages    did you get?"

   Customer: "I didn’t get any error message. The disk got    stuck in the drive

   and wouldn’t come out. So I got these pliers and tried to    get it out that

   didn’t work either."

   Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

   Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk  out, but it    wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."

   Tech Support: "I don’t understand sir, did you push the    eject button?"

   Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted    it and used a

   turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the    disk, and that

   got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine.   I can’t believe

   you    would send me a disk that was broke and defective."

   Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter    in your A:

   drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"

   At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and    motioned at the

   other techs to listen in.

   Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can    you repeat what

   you just said?"

   Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your    crappy disk out,

   then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

   Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was    sticking out when

   the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the  disk eject

   button?"

   Silence.

   Tech Support: "Sir?"

   Customer: "Yes."

   Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

   Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer,    or I am going

   to sue you for breaking my computer!"

   Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to    sue our company

   because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn’t follow the    instructions    we

   sent you, didn’t actually seek professional advice, didn’t    consult your    user’s manual on how to use your computer properly, instead   proceeding to    pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"

   Customer: "Ummmm."

   Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance,    since we do record

   every call and have it on tape?"

   Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you’re supposed to help!"

   Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can    do for you.

   Have a nice day."

 

 

 

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane.

He says, I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze.

The woman, disarmed by the man’s honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by

her

own callousness, says, with sympathy, Oh you poor man, what are you

taking

for it?

Pepper, he answers.

=====================================================

CAVE WRITINGS

A team of archaeologists is excavating in Israel when they come upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave are the following symbols in order of appearance.

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David They hold a meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they can agree as to the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stands up and points at the first drawing and says, This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them till the soil. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauds enthusiastically and the President smiles and says, I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stands up in the back of the room and says, I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but right to left... now, look again... it says, Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that bitch.

 

 

Ways to annoy people . . . . .

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%,extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99

copies.

2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.

5. Sing along at the opera.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

7. Reply to everything someone says with "that’s what YOU think."

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. don t use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it’s gone now."

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, stop and say, "No, wait. I messed it up," and then repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

33. TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN’T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT IN THE MOOD!

 

 

 

 

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to

welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to

London.

We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the

Atlantic." "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of

the  aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on

fire.

If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe

that  the port wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little

yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That’s me

your  captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a

recorded message."

 

 

 

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened

on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been

hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate

and  ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to

fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the

ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a

pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the

handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would

be able to take flight.  Unfortunately he was wrong, and dropped like a

rock, splatting when he hit the floor....dead.

The moral to the story is:

Never fly off the handle when you’re full of crap.

 

 

 

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer  contains small traces of female

hormones. To prove their theory, the  scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of

beer and observed that 100% of them  gained weight, talked excessively

without making sense, became emotional,  and couldn’t drive.

 

No further testing is planned.

 

 

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon

a

cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in

order of appearance:

 

1. A woman

2. A donkey

3. A shovel

4. A fish

5. A Star of David

 

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at

least

more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of

stone

and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over

the

world came to study the ancient symbols.

 

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what

they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of

their

society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:

 

"This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family

oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were

intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were smart

enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks

like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help

them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which

means that if they had a famine hit the earth, where by the food

didn't

grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to

be

the Star of David which means they were evidently

Hebrews."

 

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and

said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our

interpretations."

 

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"I

object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is

quite

simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left

to right, but from right to left. Now, look again. It now says: "'Holy

Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick!'"

 

 

 

 

A famous british pharmaceutical company is working to redress the

balance:

MIRRORCILLIN - a 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up

to

four hours without pausing once

 

STOPPANAGGIN - gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards

their

spouse/boyfriend

 

COSMOPOLIRA - doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels,

allowing

"facts" in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed

 

LOGICON - trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a

proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively

without

being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as "you don’t love me

anymore"

 

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park

a

ford

fiesta into a space only 12 metres long, 54% in under 15 minutes

 

MAGNATACK - uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear

much

larger than in reality. no use for this drug has yet been found...

 

WARDROBIA - clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this

drug

can safely walk past a "sale" notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within

their

credit limits

 

BEERINTULIN - engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend

alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports

*************************** WARNING ***************************\

\

IMPORTANT - You must read and agree to this before subscribing - \

\

By subscribing to the Humour list you may be exposed to crude, rude,

  

  YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN SYDNEY WHEN............

    Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none

  are visible.

   You make over $100,000 and still can’t afford a house.

You    take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a

conversation in    English.

    You never bother looking at the train schedule because you

  know the drivers have never seen it.

    You can’t remember....is dope illegal?

    You’ve been to more than one baby shower that has two

  mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion   where your    coffee     beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and

   Ethiopian.

  

    A really great parking space can move you to tears.

    You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.

   Your child’s 3^rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a    nose ring and    is    named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they   still need     to    ask    if the teacher’s male or female.

    You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can’t

   decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a

   building    your own website class.

You haven’t been to Darling  Harbour since    the     first

   month you moved to Sydney and you couldn’t figure out how

  to drive to    Sydney    Tower if your life depended on it.

    A man walks on the bus in full leather regalia and    crotchless chaps.

You don’t notice.

    A woman walks on bus with live poultry. You don’t notice.

   You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be    visiting from    the    North Shore.

    You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not

   a tourist.

    You keep a list of companies to boycott.

    Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman

   who delivers your mail is straight and your Avon Lady is a guy in

   drag.

 

 

 

-----Original Message-----

From: Kazys Stepanas [mailto:[email protected]]

Sent: Thursday, 25 March 1999 9:15

To: Humour; Rebecca Lewis; Paulius Stepanas

Subject: FW: UNCLASSIFIED Tech Support

 

 

  Some advice for users of Technical Support

 

  1. Don’t write anything down. We can play back the error messages

  from here.

 

  2. When a tech says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. It’s

  nothing to us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.

 

  3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave

  it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed

  animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We

  don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a

  fleeting glimpse of yours.

 

  4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s

  keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you

  can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on

  at all.

 

  5. Don’t put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk.

  We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.

 

  6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance,

  delete it at once. We’re just testing the public groups.

 

  7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and

  spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

 

  8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer

  question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret

  out those clients who don’t have email or a telephone line.

 

  9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it

  up and flags it as a rush delivery.

 

  10. When you call a tech’s direct line, press 5 to skip the

  bilingual greeting that says he’s out of town for a week,

  record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you

  send an email straight to the director because no one ever

  returned your call. You’re entitled to common courtesy.

 

  11. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support.

  There’s electronics in it.

 

  12. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call

  computer support. We can fix your line from here.

 

  13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer

  support. We’re collectors.

 

  14. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech’s

  chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the

  problem. We love a puzzle.

 

  15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and

  discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.

 

  16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don’t have

  cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

 

  17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete

  everything in the Windows directory. It’s nothing but trouble

  anyway.

 

  18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure,

  and then you reboot and it looks okay, don’t call tech support.

  We’d much rather troubleshoot it when it’s dead as a doornail.

 

  19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing

  a setting, read the paper. We don’t actually mean for you to do

  anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

 

  20. When a tech tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a

  scathing tone of voice : "And just how many weeks do you mean

  by shortly?" That’ll get us going.

 

  21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the

  display to true color, 1024 x 768. You’ll never again have

  to worry about people reading confidential files over your

  shoulder.

 

  22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don’t

  bother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after it’s done.

 

  23. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20

  times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

 

  24. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job

  to all 68 printers in the branch. One of them is bound to work.

 

  25. Don’t learn the proper name for anything technical. We know

  exactly what you mean by "my thingy’s outta whack".

 

  26. Don’t use online help. Online help is for wimps.

 

  27. If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel free

  to go around and update the network drivers for your all your

  co-workers. We’re grateful for the overtime money.

 

  28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he’s checking

  out your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top

  drawer, too.

 

  29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past

  noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when

  slightly dizzy.

 

  30. Don’t ever thank us. We’re getting paid for this.

 

  31. If you’re an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends

  from college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we

  won’t let them use the scanner. We had no friends when we were

  in college; that’s why we’re such a bunch of tight-assed little

  twerps.

 

  32. When a tech asks you whether you’ve installed any new software

  on this computer, lie. It’s nobody’s business what you’ve got

  on your computer.

 

  33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell

  her you’ve never seen those before. We couldn’t tell bullshit

  if it kicked us in the face.

 

  34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator’s

  password to "blowjob" and promptly forget it. We like

installing

  NT.

 

  35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of

  your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse

  cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top

  of them.

 

  36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on the

  mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with

half a pound

  of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

 

  37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it

  into any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting

  physical with 5.25 floppy drives.

 

  38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that

  Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you

  wouldn’t be doing it, would you?

 

  39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited

  on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We

  don’t have any money to speak of anyway.

 

  40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don’t know nothing

  about that computer crap". We don’t mind at all hearing our

  area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

 

  41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support.

  Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and

  Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a

  Professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics.

 

  42. When you can’t find someone in the government directory, call

  tech support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 013.

 

  43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call tech

  support. We love to hack.

 

  44. When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your

  secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of

  having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know jack shit

  about the problem.

 

  45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a

  mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.

 

  46. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller

  chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into

  the queue.

 

  47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech’s desk,

  exclaim in a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?"

  We need to be reminded of how lucky we were to ever

have got laid.

 

  48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing $15,000 worth of

  computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good

  grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That’s

  another one that cracks us up no end.

 

  49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on

  the LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the colour

  printer. We get the black toner for free.

 

  50. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire

  department. People out in Yellowknife like to keep abreast of

  what’s going on.

 

  51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday,

  ask a computer question. We don’t do weekends.

 

  52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the opposite

  sex on a Friday night, walk right up to them and ask a computer

  question. We don’t do dating; the reason why we have that horny

  look on our faces is because we’re discussing the new Intel

  processor.

 

  53. Don’t bother to tell us when you move computers around on your

  own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they

  won’t be doing anything useful until the next major release.

 

  54. When you can’t access some shared directory on your boss’s

  machine, just tell us that you’ve lost your X: drive. We know

  all that shit by heart.

 

  55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college,

  feel free to pick our brains while we’re taking a leak. We’re

  good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands.

 

  56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in

  on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer.

  We’ll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic

  version 6.0 makes your Access 95 database flip out.

 

  57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the

  office, leave the documentation at home. We’ll find the jumper

  settings on the Internet.

 

  58. We’re aware of that problem with computers just sitting there

  and not doing anything. We’re confident that with the next

  service pack they’ll be able to dance the jig.

 

  59. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle

  Bin. It’s just like a real office, where you keep your tax

  receipts in the blue can under your desk.

 

  60. If you miss Windows 3.1, find the line that goes

  shell=explorer.exe in your SYSTEM.INI file and replace it

  with shell=progman.exe. It makes troubleshooting infinitely

  easier when we ask you whether you have a Start button at the

  bottom of your screen and you truthfully answer us that

you don’t.

 

  61. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password

  and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable

  the Virus Shield. Again, this is just like real life: if you

  don’t like condoms, just don’t use them, that’s all.

 

  62. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of those

  desktop enhancements that make your computer look just

like a Mac,

  down to the sad faces replacing verbose error messages. We find

  it refreshing to troubleshoot the nuances in that sad

little face

  instead of some cold forbidding hexadecimal integer.

 

  63. When you detect a French accent in a tech’s voice, switch to

  French. We don’t mind that your level of fluency is that of a

  Mildly retarded 4-year-old; you don’t make a whole lot of sense

  in your own mother tongue either.

 

  64. We don’t really believe that you’re a bunch of ungrateful

  twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such

  a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the

  hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none

  of this would have been remotely possible.

 

 

 

 

 

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

Dogs don’t cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog’s time in the bathroom is just for a quick drink.

Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.

Dogs don’t shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

Dogs never need to examine your relationship.

A dog’s parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don’t hate their bodies.

Dogs never buy Kenny G or Michael Bolton albums.

Dogs never put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

Dogs don’t worry about germs.

Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, not in your wallet, your pockets,  or your sock drawer.

Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.

A dog would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

Dogs can’t talk.

Dogs aren’t catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

 

 

  Pass this onto your friends as a matter of urgency to stop them

getting   hit!

 

  *********************NEW VIRUS WARNING************************

 

  If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes,"

delete it   immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail

virus   yet!!!!!!

 

  It will re-write your hard drive.

 

  Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to

your   computer.

 

  It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your

ice   cream melts and your milk curdles.

 

  It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram

your   ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace

field   harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

 

  It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend (ex-husband/wife) your new phone

  number.

 

  It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

 

  It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee

table   when there’s company coming over.

 

  It will hide your car (sorry, bike U-lock) keys when you

are late for  work   and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while

stuck   in traffic.

 

  It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

 

  It will date your current boy/girlfriend (husband/wife) behind your

back   and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

 

  It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in

  dangerously close to a full bathtub.

 

  It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and

  pillows, it will refill your skimmed milk with full-fat milk.

 

  It is insidious and subtle.

 

  It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

 

  It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

 

Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his ute when

he sees his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the

bridge into the water far below.

Bruce slams on the brakes and shouts "G'day Sheila! What the fuck

do you think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'day Bruce -

You got me pregnant & so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this and says

"Sheila, not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too".

 

 

 

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don’t take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON’T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You’re a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and the I’d yell,"You’re a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That’s because you’re a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there’s ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can’t just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy’s a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car.

I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You’re jackass!" (It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I’d better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34^th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front."

I said, "What’s your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When’s a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I’m home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes,"

"Don, you’re a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You’re a jackass!", but I didn’t hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What’s your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34^th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s parked out front."

"I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You’ll what?"

"I’ll kick your butt."

"Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now Jackass!"

And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34^th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34^th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34^th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.

 

-----Original Message-----

From: Jacob Hutson [mailto:[email protected]]

Sent: Friday, 12 February 1999 10:02

To: Jokes

Subject: sex quiz

 

 

 

1) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) lovemaking

b) screwing

c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

 

2) You should make love to a woman for the first time only

after you’ve

both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

b) your blood-test results

c) five tequila slammers

 

3) You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first

b) you both climax simultaneously

c) you don’t miss SportsCenter

 

4) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play

b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to

c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

 

5) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with

is:

a) the best part of the experience

b) the second best part of the experience

c) $100 extra

 

6) Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last

month. You

tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours

b) not a problem, she can join your gym

c) a conservative estimate

 

7) You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth

b) an oxymoron

c) a moron

 

8) Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree

b) primer is to paint

c) a line is to an amusement park ride

 

9) Which of the following are you most likely to find

yourself saying at

the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."

b) "I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."

c) "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU."

 

10) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with

that sort

of

intimacy

b) is uptight and a waste of time

c) shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

 

Evaluating the results:

If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to

make sure you

really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy,

you’re more

than a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-----Original Message-----

From: Ann-marie Smith [mailto:[email protected]]

Sent: Thursday, 10 December 1998 9:56

To: humour

Subject: FW: From David Richter

 

 

 

 

 

   Things men wish they hear from their girlfriend/wife.

  

    1) I’ll swallow it all... I love the taste of cum.

    2) Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?

    3) I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy!

    4) Shouldn’t you be down the pub with your mates?

    5) That fart was great! Do another one!

    6) I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.

 

    7) You’re so sexy with a hangover.

    8) I’d rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go

shopping.

    9) Let’s start subscribing to Penthouse.

    10) Would you like to see a video of me going down on

my girl    friend?

    11) Just for a change can we try anal sex tonight?

    12) I really like rugby, can you take me to a game.

    13) you’d better drive, you’re far safer than I am,

and besides    everyone knows women can’t drive

    14) Actually we shouldn’t have been given the vote,

we’re   better    off in the kitchen.

    15) I think a big motorbike is a good idea.

    16) I don’t care if my bum looks big in this, let’s

just go and    get pissed

    17) We haven’t gone out with your mates for a while,

shall we   all    go to Stringfellows.

    18) Why can’t you let your hair down and have a few

vodka   chasers    with me.

    19) I know you’re already late for work, but can I

suck it just    one more time.

    20) Aim where you like, it’s really good for my skin.

    21) Sorry, I forgot to put the toilet seat back up

again.

 

 

 

*************************** WARNING ***************************\

\

IMPORTANT - You must read and agree to this before subscribing - \

\

By subscribing to the Humour list you may be exposed to

crude, rude, sexist, racist, offensive and sometimes unfunny jokes.\

Auran is not responsible for the content of this list and by

subscribing to it you are indemnyfying Auran against any form

of legal action or prosecution arising from the content of

this list. You may be offended or shocked but by subscribing

you are waiving all rights to being offended. If you feel

that this is unreasonable

and you may be offended by what you may read - DO NOT

SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE if you already have.\

 

 

-----Original Message-----

From: Kazys Stepanas [mailto:[email protected]]

Sent: Thursday, 18 March 1999 1:15

To: Rebecca Lewis; Humour; Paulius Stepanas; Scott Pobihun; Cynan

Houghton; Sean McLachlan

Subject: FW: FW: Toasters and companies

 

 

An oldie, but...

 

   Computer Brand Name Toasters:

   If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster

  where people bring

   bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would

  claim a worldwide

   market for five, maybe six toasters.

 

   If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or

double-sided.

   Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The

  toaster would jam

   your bread for you.

 

   If Oracle made toasters... They’d claim their toaster

   was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but

  when you got it

   home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the

   Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed

the whole

   appliance was just blowing smoke.

 

   If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you

  could get a

   really good cuppa Java.

 

   Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in

  the ‘80s,

   didn’t they?

 

   If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the

  Reverse Polish

   Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

 

   If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but

  would be faster

   than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

 

   If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be

  barely larger than

   the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be

conveniently

   attached to your belt.

 

   If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small

   quartz-crystal wrist toasters

   that take a licking and keep on toasting.

 

   If Acorn made toasters... They wouldn’t tell you.

 

   If Apple made toaster... It would be the coolest designed

  toaster in the

   world but there’d be nowhere to put the bread.

 

   And, of course:

   If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf

  of bread, you

   would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the

  toaster, but

   you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 would

  weigh 15000 pounds

   (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw

  enough electricity

   to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your

  kitchen, would

   claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how

  light or dark you

   want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other

   appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate

Microsoft

   toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the

  good bread only

   works with their toasters.

 

*************************** WARNING ***************************\

\

IMPORTANT - You must read and agree to this before subscribing - \

\

By subscribing to the Humour list you may be exposed to

crude, rude, sexist, racist, offensive and sometimes unfunny jokes.\

Auran is not responsible for the content of this list and by

subscribing to it you are indemnyfying Auran against any form

of legal action or prosecution arising from the content of

this list. You may be offended or shocked but by subscribing

you are waiving all rights to being offended. If you feel

that this is unreasonable

and you may be offended by what you may read - DO NOT

SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE if you already have.\

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your mother.

 

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?

A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

 

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: Wiped his ass.

 

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

 

Q: What did the gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?

A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

 

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

 

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full.

 

Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

 

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?

Q: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams

every night??

A: Hanson.

 

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what

have you done wrong?

A: Made her chain too long.

 

Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?

A: Michael Jackson's hand.

 

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end

you lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

 

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with

everybody at the party except you.

 

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling

 

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?

A: "Honey, I'm home."

 

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?

A: You know she'll swallow.

 

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the

same day in Iraq?

A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

 

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

 

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?

A: Because men fake foreplay.

 

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting

circumcised?

A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

 

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 Think

of?

A: Dating children.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

 

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?

A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

 

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

 

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?

A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

 

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

 

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

 

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?

A. Pleasing!

 

Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?

A. Bingo!

 

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is

bedtime?

A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

 

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?

A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?

A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

 

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

 

Q: What's a Japanese girl's favourite holiday?

A: Erection day.

 

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?

A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

 

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?

A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but

you just can't beat a blow job.

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?

A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her

on the ass and say, "You're next!"

 

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board

A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

 

Q: What's pink and hard?

A: A pig with a flick knife.

 

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?

A: They are easier to keep amused.

 

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?

A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.

 

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?

A: So fat women can get laid too.

 

Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?

A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?

A: Your last blow job.

 

Q: Why did god create women?

A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

 

Q: What's 100 yds long and smells of piss?

A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

 

Q: What's the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus?

A: One's got a moustache and smells of fish and the other lives in the

sea.

 

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with

darkness"

 

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?

A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

 

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?

A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

 

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?

A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

 

Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?

A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

 

Q: What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?

A: Pat

 

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead

lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

 

Q: How do you make a dog drink?

A: Put it in a liquidizer.

 

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?

A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

 

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?

A: A rottweiler.

 

Q: What do you call bears with no ears?

A: B.

 

Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?

A: Half a dog..

 

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?

A: Buy her some flowers.

 

Q: What is the definition of confusion?

A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

 

Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second

date?

A. Patient!!

 

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that

time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. You probably

got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and

envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve

work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who

practice Yoga?"

4. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a

solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

 

1. " ... Amen." Rules for women to live by

  1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the   toilet   UP when you are done

 

  2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure  to include    something from each of the 4 Male food groups- Meat,  Fried, Beer and   Red

 

  3. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, in  many of the   fine

  bars and drinking establishments throughout the country, not all   men are cretins deserving of your utter contempt

 

  4. Shopping is not fascinating

 

  5. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best  friend, he is   only   joking

 

  6. Unless the answer is yes

 

  7. In which case, can he videotape it?

 

  8. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick  and/or

  tending the barbie

 

  9. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie  boiling

  water or cooking spag bol.)should be met with roughly the same

  degree of praise a parent might shower on their infant  when it walks   for

  the first time

 

  10. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it

 

  11. He heard you the first time

 

  12. You know, YOU can ask him out- C’mon, let’s spread the   rejection

  around a little

 

  13.If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions that you don’t   really

  want the answers to

 

  14. OF COURSE he wants another beer

 

  15. The guy doesn’t ALWAYS have to sleep in the wet patch

 

  16. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is NOT funny

 

  17. If he has to sit through ‘Legends of the Fall’, then  you have to  sit

  through ‘Showgirls’

 

  18. ‘Fine’ is not an acceptable way to end an argument

 

  19. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by   suggesting   he

  stop and ask for directions

 

  20. He was NOT looking at that other woman

 

  21.Well, okay, maybe a little..

 

  22. Okay, so what?? He was looking at her! Big deal. Like you’ve   never

  looked at another guy

 

  23. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most  successful man   you

  have ever met

 

  24. And all your friends think so too. Especially the really  attractive    ones

 

  25. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if  left in

  the shower

 

  26. Two words: Blow Job. Learn it. Live it. Love it

 

  27. Dirty laundry comes in several categories:

  Looks fine/smells fine

  Looks fine/smells bad

  Looks dirty/smells fine

  Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organised  in

  this manner

 

  28. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is better  looking

  than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu  Reeves is better

  looking than him. But since neither one of you is ever going to be  dating

  any of these people, love the one you’re with

 

  29. Of course size matters, and boy, does he have the grandaddy of   ‘em   all

 

  30. Watching rugby is a major turn-on for you. But please  wait until

  half-time to act upon that.

 

  31. He does not want to be just friends

 

  32. A successful date starts with the woman uttering the  sentence: " You

  know, why don’t we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here   having

  wild acrobatic sex all night?"

 

WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be

recognised as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.

We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the

right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First,

there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't

believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo

turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is

Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".

Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato

with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions

of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull

their Speedo's up their cracks to keep the left and

right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that

the family that bonks together stays together.

In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps

Of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival

of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had

the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the

Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in

this document.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback

plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus,

Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is

the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live

there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in

a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting

that God probably made Queensland.

Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the

Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill

more of us each year than die by murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so

desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle

of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political

party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes

and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament.

Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine

can get 24,000 votes and run the bloody country.

Not that we're whingeing.

We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized

'90s.

Instead, we want to make "no worries" our

national phrase. We love sport so much our newsreaders can read

the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us

who's winning, in the same breath.

We the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to

Know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and

the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We don't know

much about art but we know we hate the people

who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by

lunchtime.

And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least

we're better than the Kiwis.

Now bugger off, we're sleeping.

~~~ You're Hooked! ~~~

 

You know you're addicted to the internet when...

Surfin'

* Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll top to bottom.

* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

* When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

* Your dog has its own home page.

* You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

* You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".

* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

Staying Connected!

* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity or phone lines.

* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

* When you turn off your modem, you get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

* You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.

* You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

* You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

* Actually, you secretly disdain them.

* Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.

* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

* Your friends no longer send you e-mail; they just log on to your IRC channel.

* Your modem isn't working, and after a few minutes you begin to sweat, your hands start to tremble...

* You pick up the phone and hum modem signals to communicate with your ISP

* You succeed.

Walk the Walk

* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

* Even your night dreams are in HTML.

* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

* You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. There were 84 new ones ...last hour.

* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

* You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your 1st instinct is: search for the "back" button.

* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom--and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

* You tell people you live at http://123.elm.street/bluetrim.html

* You actually tried that 123.elm.street address.

* You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with built-in keyboard & mouse.

* When channel surfing the infomercials, you grab a remote control and double-click.

...and Talk the Talk

* You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."

* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au."

* You refer to your age as 3.x.

* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Serious Warning Signs!

* You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

* You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

* You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

* Your son tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

* You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.

* Your wife or husband says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

* You forget what year it is.

* You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

* You move into a new house & decide to Netscape before you landscape.

* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "You've got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

* Your spouse's new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

* You don't know what gender over three of your closest friends are because they have neutral nicknames.

* You email this message to your friends on the net. You think about printing it out to show it to your others and... what others?!?

 

Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?

A. Nice tits!

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?

A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board

A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q. What do women and prawns have in common?

A. There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great

Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?

A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get fucked.

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?

A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?

A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?

A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count ?

A: Your date has to chew before she swallows

Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian

A: "Vagitarian"

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?

A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.

Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?

A: They both capture the moment.

Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat

A: Bingo.

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness"

Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?

A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?

A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?

A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can get to sleep with a light on.

Q: How do you make a dog drink?

A: Put it in a liquidizer.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's probably screwed in too tight anyway.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?

A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?

A: A rottweiler.

Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?

A: Half a dog.

Q: What have a fat woman and a moped got in common?

A: They're both OK for a ride until your mates find out.

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?

A: Buy her some flowers.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?

A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

 

 

 

haircut story

WOMENS' VERSION:-

CATHY: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

LISA: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

CATHY: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

LISA: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts, that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

CATHY: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

LISA: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

MENS' VERSION:-

PETE: Haircut?

DAVE: Yep.

 

 

ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND

Sign in a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE

BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:

HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT YOURSELF

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND

UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS

KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe:

MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING

YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the

Prince of Wales:

THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING

OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

 

Outside a photographer's studio:

OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:

SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:

SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:

QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.

BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:

DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE

MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR

BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE

DISPOSED OFF

Sign on motorway garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY

NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A

DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT

THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET

LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE

BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS

JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

 

 

Two old Irishmen were holding up the bar at the local pub, reminiscing

And drinking as they were wont to do, when one became quite melancholy and

asked his friend, "Sean, when my time comes and I pass on, can ye do me a

favour?"

His friend replies, "Liam, you've been my friend for nigh on thirty years...just ask and I'll do it for you. What would you like me to do?"

The first one said, "Sean, on me mantelpiece at home is an old, old bottle of fine Irish whiskey. When they bury me, would you be mindin' it if ye poured it over me grave?"

And the second one gravely replies, "Liam, you know I'll be honored to do as you ask, but I'm wonderin', would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?"

 

 

 

   An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself     surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon     surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh     God, I’m fucked."

  

   There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms     out: "No my son, you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone at     your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in     front of you."

  

   So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief,     feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He     stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and

   surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their     faces.

     

   The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you’re fucked."

 

 

  Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother     won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden,  her fairy   godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with    everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two    conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella    agrees. "What’s the second condition?" "You must be home by 2   a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."    Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour   comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5   a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very**   satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy   godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a   pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.   He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind   of power! Tell me his name!" "I can’t remember, exactly ...Peter   Peter, something or other...."

 

  A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves   in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial   embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top    bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the   woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I’m sorry to bother   you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could   possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a   glint in his eye, says, "I’ve got a better idea ... just   for tonight,   let’s pretend we’re married" The woman thinks for moment.   "Why not", she giggles. "Great!", he replies, "Get your own    fucking blanket!"

 

 

 

 

  An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a   vacation. He booked   himself   on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his   life...’til   the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the  shore of an   island    with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and    coconuts.

  After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, when   the    most   gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him. In   disbelief, he   asked her,

  "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

  "I rowed from the other side of the island," she replied, "I    landed   here   when my cruise ship sank."

  Amazing." he said, "You were really lucky to have a  rowboat wash    up   with   you."

  "Oh this?" she said, "I made the rowboat out of raw materials    that I   found   on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches,   wove   the   bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern from a   Eucalyptus   tree."

  "But, but, that’s impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no   tools   or   hardware, how did you manage?"

  "Oh. That was no problem," replied the woman, "on the  south side   of   the   island there is a very unusual strata of alluvia; rock  exposed. I   found   that if i fired it to a certain temperature in my  kiln, it melted   into   forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used  the tools   to    make   the hardware."

  The guy was stunned. "Let’s row over to my place," she said.    After a   few   minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the   man   looked   onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a   stone   walk    leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and  white. While    the   woman   tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man   could   only   stare ahead, dumbstruck.

  As they walked into the house, she said casually,  "It’s not much,   but   I   call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

  No, no, thank you" he said, still dazed, "can’t take any more    coconut     juice."

  "It’s not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a   still. How   about a   Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man   accepted, and   they sat down on her couch to talk.   After they had exchanged their stories, the woman   announced, "I’m   going to   slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a   shower   and    shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the  bathroom."

  No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom.    There   in   the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two  shells honed   to   a

  hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside  of a swivel    mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What’s next?"

 

  When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but    vines-strategically

  positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for   him to   sit

  down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively,  slithering    closer to

  him, "We’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been    lonely.   There’s   something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now,   something   that    you’ve been longing for all these months? You know...." She    stared   into his   eyes. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

  You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

 

 

 

Q. What is Rodeo Sex?

A: Well, it’s where your wife is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, "This is the way your sister likes it too."

You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey buddy - you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your crotch?"

The guy says, "Yeah - It’s driving me nuts."

 

A Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant walks into a whore house and approaches  the madam and says, "Ma’am, my name is Gunnery Sergeant Hardman and I’m  here for a woman!"

 

The madam immediately escorts the Sergeant upstairs and selects the best  call girl they have for him. Gunney Hardman immediately disrobes and is  standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute  awaiting him on the bed. He then says," My name is Gunnery Sergeant  Hardman , been in the God-lovin’ Corps for thirty years, and I’m a  master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" immediately, his penis  becomes fully erect.

 

The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.  Gunney Hardman replies, "Like I said, I’ve been in the United States  Marine Corps thirty years, and I’m a master of my mind and body. DICK,  AT EASE!" His penis immediately becomes flaccid.

 

The prostitute still can’t get over the control he has and asks him for   another demonstration. Gunney Hardman says, "DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" He   sports a raging hard-on once again and the follows this display of  prowess with the command of "DICK, AT EASE." His penis goes limp once  more.

 

The prostitute still can’t believe her eyes and asks for the  demonstration yet again. Gunney Hardman shouts, "DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" His  penis becomes immediately erect on command again. And then gives the  following standard command, "DICK, AT EASE." Gunney Hardman looks down,  and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently  you didn’t hear me, soldier! DICK, AT EASE!" Still, his penis is still  fully erect. The Gunney is now fuming and says, "I’m going to tell you  one more time, Mister! DICK, AT EASE!" Still no joy, his penis is still

rock hard.

 

Gunney yells "Shit" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to   masturbate vigorously. The prostitute, puzzled, asks "What the hell is   going on?"

 

Gunney Hardman replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order and I’m   giving him a dishonourable discharge!!!"

 

 

    Men often find blowing off a chick the most difficult part of the      dating     process. The closest they ever come to telling a chick it’s over is to     look      her straight in the eye and say, "I’ll call you next week." But there     is now     a great way to blow a chick off. It’s safe. It’s affordable, and the      best     thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you. And     it’s at      your fingertips right now.

  

    E-mail.

  

    That’s how all the happening, 90’s kind of guys are telling chicks     they’re     not worthy. You’ll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how     you      really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her     response without ever reading it. What could be more painless?

    Following     is an Email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need     to put

    their main squeeze on waivers. The text of the letter follows.

  

    The verbiage can be altered to fit both men and women...   

    

---------------------------------------------------------------------

    - Dear (her name),

  

  

    I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further      contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are      probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and     dozens of well-qualified canditates such as yourself also failed

    to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should     an opening come available or I become extremely horny.   

    So that you may find better success in your future romantic      endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were     disqualified from the competition:

  

    (Check those that apply)

  

    ___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to     pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of     basic economics.

  

    ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by

    the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for     this position.

  

    ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions      about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

  

    ___ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

  

    ___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the      inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

  

    ___ My breasts are bigger than yours.

  

    ___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,      however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please      resubmit your application.

  

    ___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when     it’s this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

  

    ___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the      alternative Bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you     are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of      commitment to heterosexuality.

  

    ___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your      ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that      domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take     you seriously.

  

    ___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount      importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team     into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat     extreme and inappropriate.

  

    ___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

  

    Sincerely,

  

    Your Name (Optional)

 

A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his ball veers off to the right, right into the window of a house. The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window. Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor. Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to apologize for breaking his window and the vase. The man inside the house says, no don’t apologize, I am a genie and have been in that vase for 10,000 years, you have rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would like to keep one for myself.

He asks the man what he wishes for, he studied awhile and said; I wish for a million dollars. The genie waves his hand and said, A million dollars, its yours, it has been deposited into your bank account. He asks the wife what is her wish. She says; I wish for a condominium in Hawaii, the genie waves his hand and said, a condominium in Hawaii, its yours. The genie says, now it is my turn: He thinks awhile and said, you know its been 10,000 years since I have had a woman, could I make love to your wife? The man thinks for a while and said, honey, he gave us a million dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is make love to him. She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom. After making passionate love, the woman says, I can’t believe that my husband let you do this to me. The genie says: and I can’t believe that your husband still believes in genies.

 

You know you have been in England too long when....

You say 'alright' back

You know who Kevin Keegan is

You don't remember any captain of Australian Cricket Team after Alan Border

You have no longer pulled a root, you've got a shag

After a big night out you find yourself looking for a Curry house, and not a 24 hour Maccas

More than three hours sunlight on winter days seems excessive

You don't think twice about tipping your hairdresser

You finish every sentence with 'Cheers' or 'Yeah'

You only just realise you have lost your sunnies, you left them in Greece last summer

You start thinking English cuisine isn't all that bad afterall, I mean, it's hard to beat a full English, innit

You are on to your 6th umbrella and your second overcoat

You buy a disposable baby BBQ from Tescos

You realise your sunburn cream is the stuff you orginally bought from home with you

You don't mind paying the u100 TV licence - after all it is TV without ads

A day at the beach means wearing the warmest clothes you own while standing on golf ball-size pebbles and the thought of swimming doesn't even enter your head.

You always call soccer football

... and you have a team

... and it's not Manchester United

You don't think twice about buying a packaged sandwich

A sunny lunchtime means searching for a patch of grass and stripping off to your underwear

You start thinking that cricket's only for toffs

You start hating the French for their silly accents rather than their nuclear policy.

You don't get really excited when popstars comes to town. You know they'll be back next year.

You actually buy cable.

You start to identify with characters in EastEnders, This Life or Queer as Folk.

You're not quite sure who the Premier of your state back home is.

Queuing doesn't seem to be such a big deal.

You actually say, 'Sorted'.

 

 

Top 10 Dr. Seuss Books That Were Rejected by His Publisher

10. The Cat in the Microwave

9. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet

8. Your Colon Can Moo-Can You?

7. The Fox in Detox

6. The Grinch's Ten Inches

5. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

4. Zippy the Gerbil

3. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

2. Who Shat in the Hat?

and the number one Dr. Suess book that was rejected by his publisher

1. Horton Hires a Ho

 

 

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shop keeper, "I'll have a C monkey please". The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000. The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.

 

"The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive -$10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

 

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

 

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an engineer."

 

 

 

Children’s books you’ll never see:

 

  You Were an Accident

 

  Strangers Have the Best Candy

 

  The Little Sissy Who Snitched

 

  Some Kittens Can Fly

 

  Getting More Chocolate on Your Face

 

  Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

 

  Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

 

  The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild

  Animals of North Amer - Hey Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!

 

  All Dogs Go to Hell

 

  The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking

 

  You Are Different and That’s Bad

 

  Dad’s New Wife Timothy

 

  Pop Goes the Hamster... and Other Great Microwave Games

 

  Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets

 

  The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad

 

  Babar Meets the Taxidermist

 

  Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

 

  The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

 

  Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom’s Purse

 

  The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy

 

  Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

 

  The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

 

  How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your  Elementary School

 

  Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

 

  When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer, They Say God Did It

 

  Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

 

  What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

 

  Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

 

  Bi-Curious George

 

  Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

 

  Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver

 

 

 

5 Kinds of Sex

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

-------------------------------------------------------

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse’s ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man.

What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

-------------------------------------------------------

  So You Think You’ve Had a Bad Day . . .

 

  The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:   

 

  A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in    the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the    motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man,   still   holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio   door and the   motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing  the   crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband lying on the   floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the  patio   door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. 

  Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the    several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics  to    her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband  to    the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed  it outside.    Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained  some paper    towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. 

  The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to  come home.

  After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the    damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the    bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing  the    cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while    still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a  loud explosion    and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her    husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he   was   suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.  The   wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.  

  The same ambulance crew was dispatched and his wife met them at the    street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began    carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to   the

  street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife  how

  the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics  started

  laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the    husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle. 

  So, "Is your day as bad as you think?"

 

 

   

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A REDNECK JEDI IF:

1.You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y’all."

2.Your Jedi robe is camouflage

3.You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm   Strawberry Hill.

4.At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

5.You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.

6.You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

7.You have ever had an X-Wing up on blocks in your yard.

8.The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

9.Wookies are offended by your B.O.

10.You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you  didn’t   have to wait for a commercial.

11.You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

12.Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the   darkside...it’ll be a hoot."

13.You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock  thingy

to get the barbecue grill to light.

14.You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your  landspeeder.

15.You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks a  little

sissy in that vest.

16.You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

17.You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have  to get in

through the window.

18.Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt

had a pretty good handle on how to  treat his women.

19.You ever fell in love with your sister.

20.You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire as

"them  damn Yankees."

21.You have a cousin wo bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

22.You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with

a red wood  deck.

23.You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during

the  cantina scene.

24.In your opinion, that Darth Vader feller "just ain’t right."

 

 

 

 

The Good the Bad and the Ugly

---------

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids

Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills

Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there

Ugly: You’re in them

 

 

Good: Your husband understands fashion

Bad: He’s a cross dresser

Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son’s finally maturing

Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door

Ugly: So are you

Good: Your having sex

Bad: The dog came in the room and licked your butt

Ugly: You liked it

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter

Bad: She keeps interrupting

Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife’s not talking to you

Bad: She wants a divorce

Ugly: She’s a lawyer

Good: The postman’s early

Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47

Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

------------

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin."

-----------

Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old, and wheelchair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill’s penis and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn’t much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn’t show up. He didn’t show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds.

She confronted him and said "Where were you these past couple of nights?"

He replied "If you must know, I was with another woman".

"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?".

"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.

"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.

"Nope; she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.

"Well then, what does she have that I don’t?" Edna asked.

Bill smiled slyly and said " Parkinson’s disease".

----------------

God is talking to Adam at the Garden of Eden when, looking over Adam’s shoulder, God notices Eve stepping into the stream. "No, Eve, do not go into the stream", God yells. But it was too late. Eve had already entered the stream. God moans:

"Now I’ll never get the fish to smell right".

---------------

An old perverted geezer was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.

"NO! Get away from me"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.

She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says.

She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them.

So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying ‘Oh my god, oh my god’?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answers: "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

------------

 

Rejected Dr. Seuss books:

1. The Cat in the Blender

2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

3. Fox in Detox

4. Who Shat in the Hat?

5. Horton Hires a Ho

6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax

7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?

9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil

10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!

12. Are You My Proctologist?

13. Yentl the Lentil

14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket

15. Aunts in My Pants

16. Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!

17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm

18. The Grinch’s Ten Inches

-----------

 

THE TOP 10 THINGS MEN SHOULD NOT SAY OUT LOUD IN VICTORIA’S SECRET

10. Does this come in children’s sizes?

9. No thanks. Just sniffing.

8. I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.

7. Mom will love this.

6. Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.

5. No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.

4. Will you model this for me??

3. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

2. 45 bucks? You’re just gonna end up NAKED anyway(s).

And the number 1 thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria’s Secret:

1. Oh, honey, you’ll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

 

   INNER SKELETON

   A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Receive, Brazil,   suffering    abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch  long    skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had  become    lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

 

   FEMALE SOFA

   A 500 lb woman from Illinois was examined in hospital. During the     examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime   was found    under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged  between the    folds of her vulva.

 

   OUCH!

   A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in  bloody     restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the   woman had hers    around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they  had gone    out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion,  the woman    crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in    the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down  on the    man’s member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and  desperation, the    man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

 

   BABY CHICKEN

   A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room   complaining    of abdominal pains. During an examination, doctors found that the  woman’s    labia were pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside,  they found    the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she  inserted the    chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a    baby.

 

   SEX EDUCATION

   A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains   asked her    if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn’t. A later  examination    showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not  sexually    active, the woman replied    -I’m not, I just lie there-.    When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she  replied     -No. Who?-

 

   BLIND DRUNK

   A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe  pain while    trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come   out    halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help  using a    suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him  and    discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all.  He had    been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

 

   GROWING SEASON

   An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines   growing from    her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her  womb. The    woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks    previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out.

 

   PRICKLY PAIR

   In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis.   He    complained that his wife had -a rat in her pussy- and it bit him  during sex.    After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a  surgical    needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

 

   LAST STAND

   A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent   erection.    He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he  frequented many    brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him  hard. He    was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so  much fun, he    kept using more and more. By the time he came to casualty, all  the blood    vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned  in size.    Doctors could do nothing except prescribe    painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a  few days.

   They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because  it was    going to be his last.

 

   JUICY LUCY

   In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her   vagina.    She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that  her doctor    had recently given her.     -I followed all the instructions to the letter,-    she told her doctor,   -and used it with the jelly.-    When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied -Grape.-

 

   BRUSH AFTER MEALS

   A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a   burst vein    in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses  screamed.    They saw maggots crawling down the man’s chest. They had been  breeding    between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to feed  further    down his body.

 

   PET SHOP BOYS

   In Salt Lake City, two men came into the ER. One had ‘partial   thickness    burns to the natal cleft’. The other had a singed moustache and a  broken    nose. Investigating doctors found a live gerbil in the first  man’s colon.    The pair explained that they tried to free it using a cardboard  cylinder.    Unable to see, the second man lit a match to get a better view,  which    resulted in substantial methane combustion.

 

   CALL THE BUM SQUAD!

   A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a  haemorrhoid problem.    One painful pile would often hang down from the man’s anus and he  was in the    habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. on this  occasion, the    shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told  them the    shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb  disposal    squad, who built a lead box around the man’s anus to defuse the  shell before    it could be removed.

 

   KLINGONS AROUND URANUS

   A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his  rectum. He said    that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix,   when his    boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a  funnel. The    concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain.    Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man’s  rectum was    removed........................along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.

 

 

One man was explaining to another why he fired his secretary:

Two weeks ago, it was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot when I got up that morning anyway. I went into my breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me, but she didn't even say "Good Morning." I said,"Well, that's a wife for you, the children will remember." The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office, I was feeling very low and despondent. As I walked into my office, Janet said, "Good Morning, boss... Happy Birthday." Then I felt a little better that someone remembered. I worked until noon.

About noon she knocked at the door and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. Let's go out to lunch, just you and me ". So I said, "That's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go". We went to lunch. We didn't go to the place we usually went to. Instead we went to a little place in the country, which was more private. We had two martinis, and lunch was tremendous. We enjoyed it lot.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know. It's such a beautiful day. Do we have to go back to the office?" I said, "No, I guess not". She said, "let's go over to my apartment and I'll fix you another martini".

We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another martini and smoked a cigarette . She said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and change into something more comfortable."

I said, "OK" as I didn't mind a bit. She went into the bedroom, and in about five minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a large birthday cake, followed by my wife and children , and they were all singing "Happy Birthday."

And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------

 

  WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

 

  SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were

  justified in dropping 5 tons of nerve gas on it, which I of course    deny doing.

 

  LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The

  chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep    him down.

 

  MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will    be free to cross roads without having their motives being called    into question.

 

  MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the    chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken    crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

 

  FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How   many more

  chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

 

  BILL CLINTON: I did NOT have an improper relationship with   that chicken.

 

  JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t    anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing    walking around all over the place, anyway?"

 

  FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken    crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

 

  BILL GATES: I am today announcing WINChick 98 which will not   only cross

  roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, balance    your checkbook and download a wonderful selection of eight    virtual wallpapers from the Internet.

 

  BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

 

  ANDERSON CONSULTING (Accounting Firm): Deregulation of the chicken’s

  side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The    chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop    the competencies required for the newly competitive market.  Andersen    Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped    the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and    implementation processes.

  Using the Poultry Integration Model(PIM), Andersen helped  the chicken

  use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and  experiences to

  align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of    its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.    Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road    analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with    deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day    itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge    capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize

  with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of  delivering    and successfully architectonic and implementing an enterprise-wide    value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median    processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting,  enabling and    creating an impactful environment which was strategically based,    industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified    market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and    core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total    business integration solution.   Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more   successful.

 

  COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

 

 

 

Feel Like A Woman?

 

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe

storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to

worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

 

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands

up in the front of the plane. "I’m too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last

minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in

my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a

woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane

who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

 

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten

his/her own immediate peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the

desperate woman in the front of the plane.

 

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

 

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

 

The guy gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and

jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, slowly

unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

 

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange

man approaches.

 

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as

he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the

trembling woman. He then bends over to her and whispers:

 

"Here.... Iron this."

 

 

 

THE BEST OF THE WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES:

 

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You  Goodbye

3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

4. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

5. I Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me?

6. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

7. I Got In At 2 With A ‘10’ And Woke Up At 10 With A ‘2’

8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine

9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But  The Car

Don’t Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal

10. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You

11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

12. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better

13. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid  She’d Win

14. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight

15. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here

16. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying  Over You

17. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two  On You

18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now

19. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)

20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus

21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss  Him

22. Please Bypass This Heart

23. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

24. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

 

 

 

 

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only gladwrap for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE   INSANE

  

    1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise  your voice)

  

    2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same    outfits.   Always     wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially   effective   if      your boss is of the opposite gender.)

  

    3. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what    you’re   doing.

    For example: "If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom."

  

    4. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

  

    5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

  

    6. Insist that your e-mail address be

    [email protected].

  

    7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask  if they want   fries

    with that.

  

    8. Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.

  

    9. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little    synchronized   chair

    dancing.

  

    10. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

  

    11. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

  

    12. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once  everyone has

  gotten     over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

  

    13. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual    favours".

  

    14. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping  your car’s

    windshield wipers running during all weather  conditions to keep   ‘em   tuned

    up.

  

    15. Reply to everything someone says with, "That’s what you   think".

  

    16. Practice making fax and modem noises.

  

    17. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the    prophecy".

  

   18. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the  brightness level     lights up     the entire working area. Insist to others that you  like it that   way.

  

    19. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

  

    20. Ask people what sex they are.

  

    21. While making presentations, occasionally bob your  head like   a

    parakeet.

  

    22. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a  hair dryer   at

    passing cars to see if they slow down.

  

    23. Specify that your drive thru order is "to go".

  

    And the final way to annoy people:

  

    Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book,  even if they   sent   it to

    you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

 

   It’s ok to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the   sound.

 

 

 

 

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and sees a nun walking down the

sidewalk.

He goes over and punches her in  the face. The nun is shocked, but before she can do anything, he  punches her again, and she falls down.

He kicks her a few times, and then he picks her up and  throws her  against a wall.

 

He puts his face right up to hers and says, "Not very fucking  tough tonight, are you, Batman?"

 

Never wrestle with a pig:

You both get all dirty,

but the pig likes it.

 

 

 

Lil’ Johnny goes up to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

 

Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the  bread winner of the family, so lets call me  capitalism. Mummy is the administrator of the money, so

we’ll call  her the government. We’re here to take  care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny—  well, consider her as the working class. Your  baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Now go and think about  this and see if it makes sense."

 

So the little boy goes off to bed to have a think about what dad  said. Later that night, he hears his baby  brother crying and runs into his room only to find that his

nappies are very mucky. He then runs off to his  parents’ room. His mom is sound asleep, so not wanting  to wake her  he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding  the door locked, he looks through the key-hole and sees  his father   in bed with the nanny. He gives up and  goes back to bed.

 

The next morning, the little boy approaches his father and says,  "Dad, I think I understand what politics is  now."

 

"Good, son, now tell me in your own words what politics is."

 

Little Johnny replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the  working class, the Government is sound asleep,  the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

 

 

----------------------------------------------

"Why Women Scream?"

 

One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for

Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his

decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make

a being who was similar to man, yet was different,

and could offer him comfort, companionship and

pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a

woman.

 

So St. Peter went about creating this being which

was similar to man yet was different in ways that

would be appealing and could provide physical

pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished

creating this being who could now be called woman

he summoned The Lord.

 

"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an

excellent job," said The Lord.

 

"Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am

now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and

senses to the being, this .. woman. I require your

assistance on this matter, Lord."

 

"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet

more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate,

and more adaptable than man’s," said The Lord.

 

"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many

will I put in her hands?"

 

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

 

"Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter.

 

"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said

The Lord.

 

"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her

feet?" inquired St. Peter.

 

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

 

"Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter.

 

"Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their

feet, so they benefit from having less nerve

endings there. Do the same for woman," said the

Lord.

 

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s

genitals?" inquired St. Peter.

 

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

 

"Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St.

Peter.

 

"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of

receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t we?

Do the same for woman," said The Lord.

 

"Yes, my Lord," said St. Peter.

 

"No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten

thousand! I want her to scream my name!"

 

 

Men (from a woman’s perspective)

 

Q: What makes men chase women they have no

intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars

they have no intention of driving.

 

Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s

God’s gift to women?

A: Exchange him.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a new husband

and a new dog?

A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

 

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?

A: "What Men Know About Women."

 

Q: What do men and beer bottles have in common?

A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

 

Q: How do you get a man to exercise?

A: Tie the TV remote control to his shoe laces.

 

 

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? you look very excited." The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am about to marry the wonderful woman who gave it to me." A few minutes later, the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up? you look so excited." The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life

 

 

 

***********************************************************************

A question had appeared in a College test which read,

Q: Give four advantages of a Mother’s breast milk? A Young man began to answer the question...

1. No need to boil it.

2. Cats can’t lick the lids.

3. Available whenever necessary.

But the fourth point eluded him. When there were barely a couple of minutes for the exam to close, the much required fourth point flashed to his mind. So he completed the answer by writing...

4. Available in attractive containers of many shapes and sizes.

***********************************************************************

 

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a

seedy bar enjoying a few beers.

 

The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,

then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his

handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the

Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they

had so much money they never drank out of the same glass

twice.

 

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air

and shot the glass with the American’s gun. As he was setting

the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they

had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never

drank out of the same glass twice.

 

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar,

and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the

bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many

Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

 

 

Rules women should obey

 

Written by a man of course....

 

Rule # 1

Anything we said six or eight months ago is

inadmissible in an argument. All comments

become null and void after seven days.

 

Rule # 2

If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret

girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

 

Rule # 3

If we say something that can be interpreted in

two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or

angry, we meant the other way.

 

Rule # 4

It is in neither your best interest or ours to make

us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

 

Rule # 5

Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women

how can we know how pretty you are?

 

Rule # 6

Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to

come out.

 

Rule # 7

You can either ask us to do something OR tell

us how you want it done - not both.

 

Rule # 8

Whenever possible, please say whatever you

have to say during commercials or time-outs.

 

Rule # 9

Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions

and neither do we.

 

Rule # 10

Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses

lose their right to complain about having

their boobs stared at.

 

Rule # 11

When we’re turning the wheel and the car is

nosing onto the off ramp, you saying

"This is our exit" is not necessary.

 

Rule # 12

Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than

deceived.

 

 

 

   Q: What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

   A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

 

   Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in

   common?

   A: They can both smell it but can’t eat it.

 

   Q: How is a woman like a condom?

   A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

 

   Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried    Chicken?

   A: By the time you’ve finished with the breast and thighs,all you    have    left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

 

   Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

   A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end     you lose your house.

 

   Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

   A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in the     U.S.

 

   Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

   A: Kick his sister in the jaw

 

   Q: What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?

   A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  Ladies, this one is for you!!

 

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but  he had two    extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split    them between Adam and Eve.   He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away  was   the   ability to stand up while urinating. "It’s a very handy thing,"  God   told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was  wondering   if either one of you wanted the ability."   Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I’d love  to.   Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability.  It’d be so   great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals I   could   just stand    there and let it fly. It’d be so cool, I could write my name in   the   sand. Oh   please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to,  let me stand   and pee, oh please! On and on he went like an excited little boy  who   had   to pee.   Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really  wanted that so   badly,    that he   should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that   would make   him   happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one  given this   ability.   And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of

his   misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy   and   did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him,    laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.    "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts,    "What’s   left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms."

 

 

 

  

   Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

   A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

 

   Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

   A: Full.

 

   Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

   A: Put a nipple on it.

 

   Q. What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

   A. Money

 

   Q: What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

   A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

 

   Q: What’s the definition of a male chauvinist pig?

   A: A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body, except his own.

 

   Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than    improving

   their minds

   A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

 

   Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?

   A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen.

 

   Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?

   A. It’s not hard.

 

   Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

   A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen

   donuts.

 

   Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

   A. She is the one who can eat the last donut.

 

   Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?

   A: They are both used as substitute meat.

 

   Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women     don’t?

   A: A bellybutton.

 

 

 

 

It has been brought to management’s attention that some  individuals throughout the company have been using foul  language during the course of normal conversation with their  coworkers.  Due to complaints received from some employees who may be  easily offended, this type of language will no  longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being  able to accurately express your feelings when  communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of TRY   SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper  exchange of ideas and information can continue in an  effective manner without risk of offending our more

sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that is not feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned

INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in that project.

INSTEAD OF: Its not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?!

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure I can implement this.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the problem.

INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.

INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!!

TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He’s a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go getter.

INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing

 

 

 

   Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic  escape from   a    burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions,  one of    the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie  would    appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the   castaways, a    genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he  could   only     deliver one wish, not the standard three.

  

  Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out,  "Make the    entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a   deafening    crash,and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew  ever    sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the  gentle    lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men   considered    their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the  other whose  wish   had     been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke:

  

   "Nice going! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!"

 

 

  

 

  

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :

    ---------------------------------

    1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.

    2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the    first time.

    3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs.

    4. If there’s a war you can surrender really early.

    5. You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late    night films on

    Channel 4.

    6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other    people’s countries.

    7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.

    8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street

    humiliating     your sense of national pride.

    9. You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in    the street.

    10. People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.

  

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :

    -----------------------------------

    1. You can have a woman president without electing her.

    2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.

    3. You can call Budweiser beer.

    4. You can be a crook and still be president.

    5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to    do anything.

    6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.

    7. You get to be really obese.

    8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever    made and nobody

    seems to care.

    9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met "buddy".

    10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth.

    10a. When you’re not.

    10b. At all.

  

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :

    ----------------------------------

    1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.

    2. Proper beer.

    3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.

    4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major   sporting events.

    5. Union jack underpants.

    6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.

    7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still   a world power.

    8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.

    9. Ditto changing underwear.

    10. Beats being Welsh.

    10a. Or Scottish

  

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :

    ----------------------------------

    1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.

    2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.

    3. No need to worry about tax returns.

    4. Glorious military history prior to 400 AD.

    5. Can wear sunglasses inside.

    6. Political stability.

    7. Flexible working hours.

    8. Live near the Pope.

    9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend’s armpit hair.

    10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

  

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :

    ----------------------------------

    1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.

    2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.

    3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc

    4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.

    5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it’s    the real thing.

    6. Honesty

    7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in    stupid, tight

    clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.

    8. You get to eat bulls’ testicles.

    9. Gibraltar.

    10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

  

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :

    ---------------------------------

    1.

    2.

    3.

    4.

    5.

    6.

    7.

    8.

    9.

    10

  

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :

    ---------------------------------

    1. Chicken Madras

    2. Lamb Passanda

    3. Onion Bhaji

    4. Bombay Potato

    5. Chicken Tikka Masala

    6. Rogan Josh

    7. Popadoms

    8. Chicken Dopiaza

    9. Meat Boona

    10. Kingfisher lager

  

  

 

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:

    -------------------------------

    1. You’ve got to be having a laugh, haven’t you?

  

  

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING POLISH:

    ---------------------------------

    1. Now you’ve really got to be having a laugh

  

  

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :

    --------------------------------

    1. Guinness.

    2. 18 children because you can’t use contraceptives.

    3. You can get into a fight just by marching down    someone’s road.

    4. Pubs never close.

    5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the    second Vatican

    Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you    can’t have sex with a

    condom on.

    6. No one can ever remember the night before.

    7. Kill people you don’t agree with.

    8. Stew

    9. More Guinness

    10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub   at 3 in the

    morning        after a bout of sectarian violence.

  

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :

    -----------------------------------

    1. It beats being an American.

    2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn    its capital to

    the ground.

    3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

    4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn    its capital to

    the ground.

    5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh   water in a canoe?

    6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and    his/her popularity

    ratings will rise.

    7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn    its capital to

    the     ground.

    8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and    cover your house

    in     their skins.

    9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.

    10. Only country to successfully invade the US and   burn its capital to

    the ground.

  

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:

    ------------------------------------

    1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard    that no civilized

    nation on earth wanted.

    2. Fosters Lager

    3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your   country for 40,000

    years     because you think it belongs to you.

    4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.

    5. Tact and sensitivity.

    6. Bondi Beach.

    7. Other beaches.

    8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals

    9. Drinking cold lager on the beach

    10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold    lager on the beach

 

 

 

   Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach.  The     father    goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the  water.

   Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and  says, "Mommy,  I   saw    some    ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"    The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber  they    are!"

   With that, the little boy runs back into the water and  continues   to    play.

  Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his  mother     and    says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than  Daddy’s!"    "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.    With that, the little boy runs back into the water and  continues  to    play.

   Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his   mother    and    says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest  lady I ever  saw    and     the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the  Ladies     Room,there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of   the    mirror    and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one  tells a    lie,    *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror,  never to be  seen     again.

 

   A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and   stands    before the mirror and says, "I think I’m the most  beautiful woman  in    the    world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

 

   Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror  and says,   "I    think    I’m the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

 

   Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands  before the     mirror and    says, "I think..." *POOF*

 

 

 

 

  My father and mother were recently celebrating their 50^th

  wedding anniversary. While cutting the cake, my mother was

  moved after seeing my father’s eyes fill with tears.

 

  Mother took his arm, and looked at him affectionately. "I never

  knew you were so sentimental," she whispered.

 

  "No, no," he said, choking back his tears, "that’s not it at

  all. Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me

  to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?"

 

  "Yes," my mother replied. "I remember it like yesterday."

 

  "Well," said my father, "today I would have be a free man."

 

 

  Define "Egghead:"

 

  What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

 

  ----------------------------------------------------------------

  Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

 

  A: Popeye almost killed him!

 

  ----------------------------------------------------------------

 

  A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a

  handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor. He

  yells down to him, but the man can’t hear, so he uses signs.

 

  He points to his eye, meaning, "I". Then at his knee, meaning,

  "need". Then moves his hand back and forth, meaning, handsaw.

 

  The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins

  to masturbate.

 

  The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first

  floor yelling, "What the hell is wrong with you! Are you stupid

  or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!"

 

  The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was

  just trying to tell you that I’m coming."

 

  ----------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads

 

FIRST THE WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48

Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic................ Flat-chested

Average looking......... Ugly

Beautiful............... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin

Educated................ College dropout

Emotionally Secure...... Medicated

Free spirit............. Substance user

Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun..................... Annoying

Gentle.................. Comatose

Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic

New-Age................. All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded............. Desperate

Outgoing................ Loud

Passionate.............. Loud

Poet.................... Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional............ Real Witch

Redhead.................. Shops the Clairol section

Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat

Romantic................ Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous.............. Very Fat

Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking

Widow................... Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

 

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking............ Arrogant

Honest.................. Pathological Liar

Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent

Mature.................. Until you get to know him

Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not   interested

 

 

 

 

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a

package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance

at her, so  long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you

cannot keep  your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to

wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be

falling off their  hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your

friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and

open minded  about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the

door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes

too big, and  I  will not object. However, in order to ensure that your

clothes do not,  in  fact, come off during the course of your date with my

daughter, I will  take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely

in place to  your waist.

 

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without

utilizing  a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when

it  comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each

other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the

day.

Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an

indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my

house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to

date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my

daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you

will continue to date no one but her until she is finished

with you. If  you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,

and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If

you want to  be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is

putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than

painting the  Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do

something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden

stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within

eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is

dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient

temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank

tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a

sweater, and  a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong

romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features

chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are

better.

 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,

middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to

my daughter,  I  am the  all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you

are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the

truth, the  whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a

shovel, and  five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to

mistake the  sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice

paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up,

the voices in  my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for

you to bring  my  daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit  your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter

password,  announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter

home safely  and  early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come

inside.

The  camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 

 

 

 

   14 things we want to hear Samuel L Jackson say as a Jedi Master in  the   new    Star Wars:

  

  

   14. You can stick your well-laid Death Star plans up  your well-laid    ass.

  

   13. You must go to Dagobah, where you will be taught by Yoda, the   sly,

   sweet motherfucker who taught me this shit.

  

   12. That's no moon, asshole - that's a fucking space station!

  

   11. I don’t care how good you say they are. I ain’t fightin’  alongside

   no fuck-ass teddy bears.

  

   10. You don’t need to see my goddamn identification, ‘cause these  ain’t

   the motherfuckin’ droids you’re looking for.

  

   9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’ll never  know, ‘cause   even

   if it did I wouldn’t eat the filthy motherfucker.

  

   8. This is your father’s lightsaber. When you absolutely,   positively,

   have to kill every motherfuckin’ stormtrooper in the room...accept   no

   substitutes.

  

   7. If Obi-wan ain’t home then I don’t know what the fuck   we’re gonna  do.   I

   ain’t got no other connections on Tattooine.

  

   6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.

  

   5. "What!?" ain’t no planet I’ve ever heard of! Do they  speak Bocce  on

   What?

  

   4. You sendin’ the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that’s all you had to say!

  

   3. Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror’s got a hair problem. What  the brother   gonna

   do? He’s a wookie.

  

   2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?

  

   1. Hand me my lightsaber ... it’s the one that says, ‘Bad Mother    Fucker.’

  

 

 

 

To my poor suffering friends in science and engineering, get out now  while

you still have the chance.  "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn  as much as business executives and sales people." This theorem can now  be  supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two

postulates:

 

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

 

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since: Knowledge = Power

and: Time = Money

therefore, Knowledge = Work/Money

 

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge

 

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,

regardless  of the amount of work done.

 

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

 

 

 

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your  vote for the   1998 Darwin Award winner!

As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who  contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid  ways (before they breed, thankfully).

 

The 1998 nominees are:

 

NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former   girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when  the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

 

NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]:

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in  March as he   was

trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type  truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns  hung  underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a  troubling noise.  Burns’ clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found  Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

 

NOMINEE No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record]:

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December  in

Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone  beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &  Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

 

NOMINEE No. 4 [UPI, Toronto]:

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown  Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder  and plunged 24 floors to his death.  A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the   Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was  explaining the strength of the building’s windows to visiting law  students.  Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window  strength according  to   police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the  firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that  Hoy was "one  of  the best and brightest" members of the 200-man

association.

 

NOMINEE No. 5 [Bloomburg News Service]:

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the  death   of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no  mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in  his  system.

His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of  other

things). It was just the right combination of foods.  It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous  cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his  windows  been opened, it wouldn’t have been fatal. But the man  was shut up in his near airtight bedroom.

According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for   creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and  one was hospitalised.

 

NOMINEE No. 6 [The News of the Weird.]:

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had  spent

several years awaiting South Carolina’s electric chair on  a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in  prison.  Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting  to fix his  small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

 

NOMINEE NO. 7 ["The Indianapolis Star"]:

A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk,  Indiana.

A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the  barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon  discharged  in his face, sheriff’s investigators said.  Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents’ rural Dunkirk home about  1:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-calibre  muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using   the lighter  to

look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

 

NOMINEE No. 8 [AP, St. Louis]:

Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St.  Louis market.

When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a  hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it.  Police found him unconscious in front of the store;  paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had

choked  him to death.

 

NOMINEE No. 9 [Unknown]:

To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an  overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

 

NOMINEE No. 10 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]:

Blasting Cap Explodes in Man’s Mouth at Party. A man at a  party popped a

blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an  explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said  Wednesday.  Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a  prank during a  party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another  man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to  explode  it," Payne said.  "It wouldn’t go off" and this guy said, "’I’ll show you how to set it   off."

 

NOMINEE No. 11 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:

A man cleaning a birdfeeder on the balcony of his condominium  apartment

in  this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his  death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the  accident  occurred, said Inspector D’Arcy Honer of the Peel  regional police.

"It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

   

  MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT

 

  CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (Nov. 13) -- A 39-year-old Charlottesville

  man died Thursday in a freak accident involving his washing  machine.

  According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing

  laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently

  tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing

  machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force

  the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally

  kicked the washing machine’s ON button. When the machine turned

  on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the  machine,

  where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and  Strickson,

  unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine’s

  agitator went into gear. Strickson’s head banged against a nearby

  shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which

  poured over Strickson’s face, blinding him. Forensic reports say

  Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He then

  vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson’s  dog, then

  apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same time,

  according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from  the shelf,

  startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar,  is acidic,

  and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda

  resulted in "a small explosion," according to police  reports. The dog,

  however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing

  machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle,  spinning

  Strickson around at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic

  experts. Strickson’s head then smashed against a steel beam behind

  the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the

  commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the

  scene.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you a real Man??

   -Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.

   Know this, and you will have come far in understanding them and

   enriching your own life.

 

   1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and

   you    are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic

   friendship, they present you with a small but    incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease,    providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and    poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over    the entire Earth. You decide to:

   A. Present it to the Prime Minister.

   B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

   C. Take it apart.

 

   2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you     miss the most?

   A. Innocence.

   B. Idealism.

   C. Fire crackers.

 

   3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

   A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without     regard

   for narrow-minded social conventions.

   B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips).

   C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the     only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business     reasons, you have to have him killed.

 

   4. What about hugging another male?

   A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal

   disease.

   B. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver.

   C. If you’re a professional Footy player and a teammate scores the     goal to    win the World Cup, you may hug him provided that: You also pound him    fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

 

   5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

   A. A cat.

   B. A dog.

   C. A dog that eats cats.

 

   6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive     and    intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday    afternoon the two of you are taking it easy, you’re watching a rugby    game; she’s reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear    blue    sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no    longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is    going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only    whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What    do     you say?

   A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but

   you don’t want to rush it.

   B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot     honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting     commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

   C. That you cannot believe the Wallabies lost to South Africa two

   weeks ago.

 

   7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want     to

   share with her all of the joys and sorrows that the world has to

   offer,    come what may. How do you tell her?

   A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

   B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her     name,    and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and    the    stars in her eyes, you tell her.

   C. Tell her what?

 

   8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to

   get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her     is:

 

   A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

   B. "They’re in school already?"

   C. "There are three of them?"

 

   9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

   A. When it has turned the colour of a dead whale and developed     new    holes

   so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for     your legs.

   B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules     and has

   to be handled with tweezers.

   C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy     checks the

   garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, but     this might be his wife, is quietly trying to discard his underwear,     which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more     intimate relationship with it than with her.

 

   10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the     fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years     before they finally got to the Promised Land?

   A. He was being tested.

   B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they     finally    got there.

   C. He refused to ask for directions.

 

   11. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

   A. Democracy.

   B. Religion.

   C. Remote control.

 

 

 

 

 

    Assmosis

    The process by which some people seem to absorb

    success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

   

    Blamestorming

    Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline

    was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

   

    Seagull Manager

    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits

    over everything and then leaves.

   

    Salmon day

    The experience of spending an entire day swimming

    upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

   

    Chainsaw consultant

    An outside expert brought in to reduce the

    employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

   

    CLM

    Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to

    describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss

    while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

    (Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behavior)

   

    Adminisphere

    The rarefied organizational layers beginning just

    above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the

    adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or

    irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

   

    Dilberted

    To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.

    Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the

    geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I’ve been

    dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for

    the fourth time this week."

   

    Flight Risk

    Used to describe employees who are suspected of

    planning to leave the company or department soon.

   

    404

    Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web

    error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the

    requested document could not be located. "Don’t bother

    asking him . . . he’s 404, man."

   

    Ohnosecond

    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize

    that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

   

    Percussive Maintenance

    The fine art of whacking the crap out of an

    electronic device to get it to work again.

   

    Prairie Dogging

    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a

    "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and

    everyone’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s

    going on.

   

 

Because I'm a Bloke!

 

Because I’m a bloke, I must hold the television remote control in my

hand  while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll  miss a whole

show  looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a   calculator.

 

Because I’m a bloke, when I lock my keys in the car I will

fiddle with  a  wire  clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a

road service  until  long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car

isn’t running  very  well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what

I’m  looking at. If another bloke shows up, one of us will say to the

other, "I  used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these   computers

and  everything, I wouldn’t know where to start." We will then   drink beer.

 

Because I’m a bloke, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me

soup  and  take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get   as ill as

I do,  so  for you this isn’t an issue.

 

Because I’m a bloke, I can be relied upon to purchase basic

groceries  at  the  store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find

exotic items  like  "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And

never,  under  any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine

hygiene  product" is a euphemism.

 

Because I’m a bloke, when one of our appliances stops working I will

insist  on  taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost   me twice as

much  once the repair person gets here and has to put it backtogether.

 

Because I’m a bloke, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I

don’t  think  we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete

stranger  -- how the heck could HE know where we’re going?

 

Because I’m a bloke, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking

about.  The  answer is always either sex or football, though I have to makeup

something  else when you ask, so don’t.

 

Because I’m a bloke, I do not want to visit your mother, or

have your  mother  come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any

more  than  I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is OK, I   don’t need

to  see  it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mum, too?

 

Because I’m a bloke, I am capable of announcing, "one more

beer and I  really  have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even  when it gets

to  the  point that the one bar closes and my chums and I have to go   hunt down

another.  I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call  you to tell  you

I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my   clothes

into the front yard. What’s the connection?

 

Because I’m a bloke, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie.

Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

 

 

Because I’m a bloke, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought

what  you  were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair  of shoes is

fine.  With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look   fine.  Can

we just go now? because I’m a guy and this is, after all,  the 90’s, I   will  share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the  cooking, the  cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.

 

 

Because I’m a bloke, I must hold the television remote control in my

hand  while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll  miss a whole

show  looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a   calculator.

 

Because I’m a bloke, when I lock my keys in the car I will

fiddle with  a  wire  clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a

road service  until  long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car

isn’t running  very  well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what

I’m  looking at. If another bloke shows up, one of us will say to the

other, "I  used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these   computers

and  everything, I wouldn’t know where to start." We will then   drink beer.

 

Because I’m a bloke, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me

soup  and  take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get   as ill as

I do,  so  for you this isn’t an issue.

 

Because I’m a bloke, I can be relied upon to purchase basic

groceries  at  the  store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find

exotic items  like  "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And

never,  under  any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine

hygiene  product" is a euphemism.

 

Because I’m a bloke, when one of our appliances stops working I will

insist  on  taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost   me twice as

much  once the repair person gets here and has to put it backtogether.

 

Because I’m a bloke, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I

don’t  think  we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete

stranger  -- how the heck could HE know where we’re going?

 

Because I’m a bloke, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking

about.  The  answer is always either sex or football, though I have to makeup

something  else when you ask, so don’t.

 

Because I’m a bloke, I do not want to visit your mother, or

have your  mother  come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any

more  than  I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is OK, I   don’t need

to  see  it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mum, too?

 

Because I’m a bloke, I am capable of announcing, "one more

beer and I  really  have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even  when it gets

to  the  point that the one bar closes and my chums and I have to go   hunt down

another.  I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call  you to tell  you

I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my   clothes

into the front yard. What’s the connection?

 

Because I’m a bloke, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie.

Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

 

 

Because I’m a bloke, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought

what  you  were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair  of shoes is

fine.  With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look   fine.  Can

we just go now? because I’m a guy and this is, after all,  the 90’s, I   will  share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the  cooking, the  cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.

 

 

Some More Blonde Jokes

 

 

Eternity is 4 Blondes in 4 cars at a 4-way stop.

Five Blondes were on their way to Disneyland. After driving for three

Hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned

Around and went home.

What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?

You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

"Oh look... Doughnut seeds."

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?

It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911?

They can't find the 11 on the phone!

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body

With her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm

hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were

you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was," she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor

answers, "Because your finger is broken!"

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh

look at the dead bird." The blonde looked skyward and said, "Where,

where?"

Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other one

said, "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and

they were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is

Having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day She comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She Grab the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, Begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde Responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

And finally...

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?

They drowned in Spring Training.

 

 

An old man and old woman met after both became residents at an

old folks home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really

enjoyed each other's company. After about 3 weeks of getting to know

each other, the old man said to the woman, "I know we are both old and can't

do much sexually anymore. But if I pulled out my penis, would you hold

it." The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would.

Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the

Lake and the old woman would hold the man's penis. One day the man didn't

Show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set

Out search for him. Farther down the shore she spotted him sitting on a

bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his

penis in other woman's hand. This upset her very much and she yelled at the

old man: "We have been together for 2 months now. I thought we were getting

along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does

she have that I don't?"

"Parkinson's!", replied the old man with a smile.

 

 

 

ANOTHER DARWIN AWARD This is a true story..........

 

A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to  score  big with his date on a Friday night. Determined to put the girl in  the  mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the  city of Tucson. They walked to an open knoll where they could see   the  city lights. Overcome by the romantic locale, she succumbed to his   pleas and they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and  passionately began making love.  The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of   thunder  excited  the lovers even more. At the first few flashes of lightning, they  never  looked  up to see the charred remains of once great trees. Their idyllic  clearing  was a  hotbed of electrical activity during the warm desert nights. With a  blinding  light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on the knoll, which  happened to  be the pre-med student’s ass, and sought the path of least  resistance  straight down!  Incredibly, he survived, but was in excruciating pain. The heat of  the

lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that the lovers were  now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl, unfortunately, did  NOT survive the lightning strike!  When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend   and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to  jerk   away from her, which of course, he couldn’t! A wave of pain and  nausea   made him vomit into the girl’s face and open mouth! Heaving only  caused   more pain and repeated vomiting until he finally passed out.  Attracted by the smell of "food," a bear found its way to the  Siamese  lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from  the dead girl’s face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear,  there was little he could do but lay there silently in fear.  To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and  started to eat the girl, loudly crunching her facial bones only  inches   from his ear. The bear also tasted the student, scraping the back of  his skull with its teeth, before moving on.  Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun  weekend  camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student’s car  was  parked.

It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming girls  discovered   the  student, who had regained consciousness several times in the night   and  had  managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl about 20-feet.  Doctors  managed to "successfully" separate the student from the corpse, but  Mr.  Happy  looked like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state.

The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the student  was unable---and unwilling---to achieve an erection. Future  surgeries  may produce a reasonably functioning penis, but the student’s family  jewels, referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum mass," are  irreparable. Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won  posthumously, we think this guy deserves consideration since he  successfully removed himself from the gene pool.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  *********************NEW VIRUS WARNING************************

 

  If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes,"   delete it

immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail

virus   yet!!!!!!

 

  It will re-write your hard drive.

 

  Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to  your

  computer.

 

  It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your   ice

  cream melts and your milk curdles.

 

  It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram  your

  ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace  field

  harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

 

  It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend (ex-husband/wife) your new phone

  number.

 

  It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

 

  It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee  table

  when there’s company coming over.

 

  It will hide your car (sorry, bike U-lock) keys when you  are late for   work

  and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while  stuck

  in traffic.

 

  It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

 

  It will date your current boy/girlfriend (husband/wife) behind your  back

  and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

 

  Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.

 

  It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in

  dangerously close to a full bathtub.

 

  It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and

  pillows, it will refill your skimmed milk with full-fat milk.

 

  It is insidious and subtle.

 

  It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

 

  It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

 

\

 

 

 

 

 

   Assmosis

    The process by which some people seem to absorb

    success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

   

    Blamestorming

    Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline

    was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

   

    Seagull Manager

    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits

    over everything and then leaves.

   

    Salmon day

    The experience of spending an entire day swimming

    upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

   

    Chainsaw consultant

    An outside expert brought in to reduce the

    employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

   

    CLM

    Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to

    describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss

    while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

    (Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behavior)

   

    Adminisphere

    The rarefied organizational layers beginning just

    above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the

    adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or

    irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

   

    Dilberted

    To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.

    Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the

    geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I’ve been

    dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for

    the fourth time this week."

   

    Flight Risk

    Used to describe employees who are suspected of

    planning to leave the company or department soon.

   

    404

    Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web

    error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the

    requested document could not be located. "Don’t bother

    asking him . . . he’s 404, man."

   

    Ohnosecond

    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize

    that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

   

    Percussive Maintenance

    The fine art of whacking the crap out of an

    electronic device to get it to work again.

   

    Prairie Dogging

    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a

    "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and

    everyone’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s

    going on.

Top ten answers men would most like to give to women’s stupid

1. Eat it? It took me 20 beers to get up the courage to fuck it.

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