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Snail
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years goes by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.
The snail says, "What the fuck was that all about?"
Kiss Me
A woman in her doctor’s office shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"
The flustered Doctor says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.
A few minutes later the woman again shouts out Doctor, PLEASE, kiss me!"
Again he refuses, apologetically, but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.
Another few minutes pass, and the woman again pleads; "Doctor,Doctor, please kiss me just once!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you.
In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be fucking you".
The consortium which sponsors
"National Condom Week" has developed the following list of possible slogans for this year’s campaign. They’re seeking feedback to determine which will be the most effective in a national effort to once again promote the use of con*doms to prevent STD’s among the segment of our population at highest risk; persons between fifteen and twenty-five years of age.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Don’t be silly, protect your wi*lly.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.
9. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
10. As you slip between the thighs, be sure to con*domize.
11. She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you’re undressing Venus, clothe that pe*nis.
14. As you remove the slacks and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.
15. In December, gift-wrap your member.
16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. Check your erec*tion, make the right selection.
19. Wrap in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
Fairytale
Once upon a time In a land far away A beautiful,independent Self-assured princess Happened upon a frog as she sat Contemplating ecological issues On the shores of an unpolluted pond In a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess’s lap And said: Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, And I will turn back Into the dapper young prince that I am;
And then, my sweet, we can marry And set up housekeeping in yon castle With my mother, Where you can prepare my meals, Clean my clothes, bear my children, And forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
that night,
As the princess dined sumptuously
On a repast of lightly saut�ed frogs’ legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and said softly to herself:
I don’t fucking think so.
The Rude
Top 10 Things Men Shouldn’t Say Out Loud In A Lingerie Shop
10 Does this come in children’s sizes?
9 No, thanks. Just sniffing.
8 I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
7 Mum will love this.
6 Oh, the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
5 No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
4 Will you model this for me?
3 The Miracle What? This is better than world peace!
2 45 quid? You’re just going to end up NAKED anyway!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in a Lingerie Shop:
1 Sorry, love, you’ll never squeeze your fat arse into that.
Heckler
Comeback from a comedian to a heckler in the crowd Edinburgh Comedy Festival:Fat comedian walks on stage.
Heckler yells out: "Why are you so fat?"
Comedian: "Because every time I fucked your mother she gave me a biscuit"
Pate
The following is a short and rather amusing true story, as seen recently by millions of viewers on a Spanish TV channel. The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter’s name forward for a popular Surprise Game Show. She idolised teeny-bopper pop star Ricky Martin, and it was arranged for TV cameras to be discreetly placed throughout the house.The house was then left empty with Ricky Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the girl’s bedroom - all set to give the daughter a wonderful surprise when she returned home from school.
Meanwhile, the parents were in the show’s studio, in front of a live studio audience. Upon returning home from school, the daughter didn’t go straight to her room and open the wardrobe as expected. Instead she began to investigate the house, calling out the names of her family to establish who was at home. Having established that she was on her own, the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed a large tin of pate - at this stage the live TV audience is wondering what the hell is going on. She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to quickly remove all her> clothes and spread the pate all over her naughty bits (remember Ricky Martin is still hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a nubile young girl, stark naked on the bed with pate all over her crotch).
As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then calls the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs to settle down to his favourite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed."
The broadcast is abruptly cut. A set of acutely embarrassed parents are left in front of a deadly quiet studio audience, while a few million Spaniards sit in front of their TVs roaring with laughter. Consequently, sales of tinned pate have rocketed!
Lotto
A man runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags sweetheart, I’ve just won the lotto, all six numbers."
She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
He replies, "I don’t care...just fuck off!"
Magic
David Copperfield has just finished his magic show.He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.Nobody puts their hand up except one man.
David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick.The man says "For this trick David I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer and I will also need a table."
He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it.
He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her knickers and takes her from behind. David Copperfield is horrified and says "That’s not a trick!!", to which the man replies, "I know, but it’s fucking magic."
Get Knotted
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!" After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they’re roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other’s bodies.
Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband’s penis.
"Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?"
"Well, darlin’" he chuckles proudly: "That’s ma’ rope!" She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those’re my knots!" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"
Good Comeback
This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: ‘We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm.
INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.