April 26--single

what is important? what do i require in order to be happy? am i holding myself back?
yes,i feel lonely, but do i need another person to live. well--maybe not to that extreme (in order to live) but perhaps to be completely happy, do i need another person..a boyfriend...a significant other?
i'll be the first to admit, i need people. i am fully aware that i'm an extrovert, a BIG people-person. i love receiving and giving attention! i love making people happy. putting a smile on another person's face, to see their eyes change from a dull color to a brightness that could outshine the sun.
but what satisfies me is not cheering up random people, it's making a specific person feel good about themselves. giving one person more attention. but how do i go about doing that if i can't find or awknowledge one person--hmm...this isn't making sense--sigh...
i suppose i'm trying to say, i feel good when i make another person feel good. but i have so much more to give, so much more i want to give. i have so many different pieces of myself that are naturally hidden, but are screaming out at the top of their lungs to be discovered. pieces of myself that i want to share, but for some reason can't. i want to open up to be/feel free. (yeah this is where the "born free" music pops in) but, no seriously, i want to feel free and alive, but i can't do that with everyone. it's not culturally acceptable.--correction--it's not acceptable by me.
i don't want the "world" to know every little thing about me. that's just flat out scarey. I only want one person to really know me: to know my every thought (well, maybe not every thought), to know what makes me feel good, to konw what excites me, to know what i enjoy to do, to know what words bring a smile to my face.
however, i want to be mysterious to this person...i want him to search me, to pick my mind apart, to explore me and who i am. i want to intrigue him to raise a never ending curiousity from deep inside of him. i want to have the ability to arouse him evertime i walk into the room, but i don't want him to be aroused or curious aboutmy body, well, yeah that would be wonderful and i do want that, but i want him to be aroused by my mind, heart, personality...argh...this is just not coming out right, now is it? hmm..
Example! Lets say I walk in frommucking the horse stalls, and i look physically wiped out: no make-up, mud everywhere, stinky, etc. he sees me walk in and doesn't see the outside appearance, he's not repelled by my "yummee stench", instead he sees the inside. he sees "a spark" and that spark lights his "fire" i want to be able, to possess the ablility to make him melt with a mere glance.
even more so, i want him to have the ability to do the same to me. i want him to open-up to me, to let me "pick his brains" (yummee) i want to melt away in his arms, to feel safe--knowing very well that he can easily take advantage of me at any moment,but that he respects me enough not to. *happy dream like state*
enough gooshy-goo-goo stuff...the answer to the question...is yes. i need a significant other, well definately not right away, instead lets say i will need a significant other in the future right now, i'm looking.
yeah, i'll be the first to say, "i hate testing the waters, dating, feeling out different people"--whatever you want to call it. there is way too much pain, attatchments, and anguished involved. feelings i'm not eager tojump into, but on the other hand...i miss the intamacy, feeling wanted, needed, respected, appreciated, you know all of those risk factor words. things that help me overlook the devistaing ones and actually make me want to take the chance of being hurt again...=\
is it worth it?

April 26, 2001--refreshed

I'm back. I know I haven't updated my site for a LONG time, but you wouldn't believe 1/2 of the stuff going on if I told you.
Just a quick update. I just got back in town. Had a great week. I left madtown last thursday afternoon, and made a mad-ass dash up to Goshen, IN. Hooked up w/ some friends and then booked it to Virgina Friday morning. Talk about a drive! 10 hrs! But it was fun none the less. My good buddy Joel turned the big 21 on Friday, and well, he had a lot of fun. We'll just keep it at that. **grin** The next day the girls and guys parted. Girls-->wedding dress shopping for Michelle (future sister-in-law of Joel's--really cool girl). and Guys-->got ready for the BQ for the night. When the night finally arrived, so did MANY many people. Too many people for Ceej to remember, and too long of a list to even start typing out some of the names. All I know is that it was a big fun party, with a variety of liquids to refresh the ol' whistle. :)
The next day (Sunday) we left early to head back to "good ol' Indianer". However, instead of 10 hrs the trip took us over 14 hrs to get back! We got lost and had nooo map <--not my fault I swear. Monday, I woke up, got Joel up as well, and we followed his sister, Gina, to the car rental place to return our rental. (Oh what a small small mini-van it was with 7 adults and much lugage!) Monday afternoon, Joel and I took my Nana out to eat, I took Joel back to Goshen, said our goodbyes and I returned to Syracuse to spend the evening and night w/ my Nana. The next day I collected part of my inherritance--> Lasor disc player and lasor discs to play. (so much fun!). After some work and gardening at Nana's I jumped in the car and headed even further North to Michigan to visit my beloved cousins and my best bud, Charissa. So much fun! I dyed my hair...white/blonde, and so did my look-a-like cousin Marianne, but for some reason hers turned bright yellow instead! oh the poor girl! None-the-less she got it fixed immediatly the next day..shortly after I jumped in the car to make a mad-dash to Madison, IN.
On the way to Madtown I got pulled over-->73 in a 55<--lucky me got only a warning...from the cute sherriff.. :) and somehow managed to gain a stalker! Some semi-driving dude followed me all the way around Indianapolis and then when I finally flipped him off and acted like I was calling the cops he decided to get on 65 North-bound instead of south! What an nappy ass! YUCK! haha..in reality I called up my mom and freaked out. I had no clue what to do..it was the first semi-driving maniac that I ever had haning out of his window whooping and hollaring..oohhhhh I would have LOVED to open some whoop ass on him!!! The pervert!
Anyways, I got home to Madtown and decided to drop in and see my buddy Matt--who everyone thinks, aaahhhh I won't go there..think what you want people--it's not true. :) Some peeps might wish otherwise(? I don't know?)..but anyways. We hung out for a bit. I showed off my L.D. player, and he showed off his new toys. And that just about sums up my vacation!
So now I'm sitting here at home, all refreshed and zen. I would really love to go back to the mountains, but it will happen all in good time. I'm quite content being home with my friends and family--->until I decide it's time for another instant/short-notice vacation. :) Until the next journal entry...nini!