April 17: owiees--evening

ok so i'm a bit of a gimp right now...and this is going to be VERY short--primarily due to me being one armed at the moment. you see my horse decided to flipout while i was on him..he broke the saddle and briddle and what looks like my arm too. none the less i'm a gimp. so thats the update foor the weekend--as of right now...see ya around peeps

April 12, 2001: dazed and confused

I thought being off of medication was suppose to be a good thing, but dear lord, I find myself craving the meds every second of the day today. And some of the feelings and thoughts I've been having---well, I made a list during my phychology class, that is when I was coherrant, so here it is...
well....one more, thing...i'm not psycho or anything, and some of these things might or might not make sense, so bare with me...
am i not a true vonfange? i missed GrampArt's funeral...does that mean that i'm an outsider? for some reason i feel like it. i feel as though i was born into the wrong family...
i feel high...confused...irratable...scared, no terrified,
i feel funny physically--that is i'm not sure how to explain it.blurred vision, eyelids are heavy, glarred eyes, heaviness, yet floating.
i have a hard time concentrating on one thing. i would read questions on the test, but nothing would register--like i never even read anything...*sigh* i knew answers, but couldn't place them **tip-of-the-tongue** so to say.
Eye movement is way irrational, sharp, disturbing feeling...paranoid?
i'm weak, nervous,shakey, pressured on head/brain--not really a headache, but at the same time it is...chilled, but not cold...feverish. upset stomach, but not sick. dazed and confused about my surroundings, way too emotional--claustrophobic.
i'm alone, yet surrounded, i need to get away, to run, get far away...i need to exercise.ugh damn headache that isn't a headache! sad.
emptiness. i'm so empty. heart is leaping out of chest, shakey breathy, weak. need air. twitching, can't concentrate on shit! argh...what the fuck is going on?

ok so there it is...now everyone knows--well somewhat--what it feel's like to go off of meds...

April 11, 2001: jibber-jabber

Where do i start? I'm off of all medications!! yeah! that's a good thing, the only strange thing is that, i'm going through medication withdrawls...like i don't sleep as well at night...bummer. and a few other things, but we won't go there...for time sake.
i just downloaded the new ftp_pro and i'm trying it out....just want to see if it's true that it will work through geocities...argh i can't wait until ipwib is back up and running.....anyways...
thoughts run through my head all the time...they are tending to slow down a bit, but they are still on the rush. bummer. i wish i could sort everything in my head out...it helps talking out loud about it w/ the psycho people--i must admit that. well i'm off to see if this works through geocities...later... night world.

April 8;1:15 pm --a hopeless dream--

I sit here...trying to think of nothing then the music comes on it vibrates through my body the rhythm the beat the beautiful arrangement of instruments and notes. it excites me. then the thoughts start. not really bad thoughts, good thoughts, but they don't share their happiness. instead it's the opposite. they sadden. thoughts of good times that i'll never experience again.
i feel numb like a statue, a hollow statue with nothing inside. or perhaps a cold concrete bench in a park surrounded by beauty. but the concrete bench is not part of the beauty. i am cold, and grey, not beautiful or special just an object with no life or meaning.
Once in a while someone with hope comes to rest on me, to enjoy the beauty around me. for a brief minute or two, i also have hope. but soon they grow weary/tired and leave, taking my hope with them. once again i am left with only emptiness, coldness, and greyness.
every now and then different people with different attributes and with different feelings/emotions come to rest but as they get up and leave...those attributes/emotions leave with them.
then, one day as i was watching the beauty around me wishing i could be part of it i saw something that was the most beautiful of all, a couple, two common people entranced with each other and madly in love. i was awe-stricken. God how i wanted them to come and rest/to share with me their vibrant love. just so i could have a taste, a meer taste, of what true love was like. once just once, that's all i want...but it never came and probably never will...to have another care for me so strongly, to share everything with me, to be as one, to be loved...truly loved.

April 5: worthless

i'm so full of anger. hurt. i lash out at everyone in my sight. i feel like a vicious serpent slithering around lasting out at anyone and anything in my way. i'm full of energy. i'm anxious. i'm figetty. i want to run. i want to get away. god i can't stand it anymore. i feel...i feel...wild? is that the word i'm searching for? i'm alive and awake, but i'm also tired and confused and fed up with thinking and being confused. i want to end the confusion but dont' know how. i want to be off of all meds altogether. i want no vitamins, i want no valumns, i want on anti-depressents, i want the blood tests to be over with already!!!! i feel like a test tube rat, god do i feel for those people who are really seriously sick and are dying and have pumps in every inch of there body fighting for their lives.
god where is this anger coming from? i seriously feel like hurting someone, someone who has hurt me, but i'm afraid that my anger has already come out on my family. i yell and get aggitated with them. of course i would never bring any harm to them physically or anything like that. but i dont' know...it's sooo confusing. i just want to go find someone who has hurt me and beat the living shit out of them...
jujitsu makes me feel good. it makes me feel strong, not vunerable like i really am. i can hide my pain, my agony. it also helps me release some of my aggression, because i just imagine people who have hurt me, when i'm doing my kata's or breakdowns, even during basics...
who is this talking? i'm not a violent person! there is so much hurt and anger inside and mass confusion that ijust want to run forever, to fight, to cry, to hide. god i can't even make up my mind on what i want to do! i just want to be normal again. to be happy. to know who i am...to have a normal life. a boyfriend who loves me, good grades, feel beautiful, have high self esteem, explore the world, get a high out of learning and having friends. that's all i want....and i'm trying i really am...i'm trying w/ my whole heart to be that again to get back to where i was or to get to this new person that is evolving....but it's impossible. i'm none of the above..i'm a failure...i'll never reach my goal..i'm worthless.....i just want to be a happy person....that's all i ask.

April 1, 2001: problems

i feel like shit and have no idea why. i had a great 4 days in Constatine Michiga, saw old friends at Goshen, went to goodwill got some great deals. it was an awesome time. and even better yet, i only had at the most 3 depressed times. now that i'm home and backin reality i feel depressed, lost, confused. i try everything to get myself back up, but nothing seems to work. God, i just want it all to end!!
i've also realized my lack of income. i quit my job, because i couldn't stand to burden such great people w/ my depression.(scary thing is that i've even thought about quitting jujitsu because i feel like they are being pulled down by me too--ugh--the one thing i love.) and the meds i'm taking really wack me up. so that's stress off my shoulders--in a way. you see,now i have no income and i have bills to pay. wonderful.
second prob? i'm alone in the world, and i've slowly, but surely have started to trust a slim amount of people again. but they aren't people my age---what's with that???
third prob? i have so much time on my hands, that i have no idea what to do! get away go to flordia! yeah sounds good doesn't it? but guess what "no mula!" so i read. i've read every book in my house but reading gets tiring, and i have so much time that i think. i think about life and it's problems. i think about my low-self esteem. i think about suicide and ending all of thisconfussion to go to a peaceful place, where there is no pain. and then come the anxiety attacks. God what a horrid life. but---i'll get through it--i hope. i only need to find the strength. i'm so weak and fragil right now.....sigh......

March 28, 2000: endless thoughts

so everyone these were some of the thoughts that went through my head. someone told me that if i could catch a few on paper that maybe it would help. (it was after i quit work and i was in some hotel far away from madtown)

undesisive. i'm lost with no map. men only seem to want sex from me, and they lie to get it--"oh, i love you so much!" when in reality they are saying "yeah, i'm getting laid!"
the world would be better off without me. the world would continue without me, in a regular cycle. i'm just a mere number. one in a billion i won't be missed. i'm a magnet for pain--stay away if you don't want to get hurt. unloved.
family. friends. happiness. freedom. trust. fear.hurt.pain.agony. no friends. every one hates me. family is the closest i'll ever get to love. who do i open up to...will they hurt me? will they hurt me if i get to close? i want to close up forever. i disappoint everyone. no hope. unattractive. ugly. overwhelming pain. drowning. everyone expects so much from me. i'm on a pedastool that i can't even begin to climb or reach the top of. helpless. stupid. ridiculous.
tears that don't end. failurelove is lost. whodo i trust/believe? no worries. meet people but don't get close. everything i touch goes up in flames. demolisment. if i never get attatched, or stay around one placetoolong, i won't get hurt or hurt others. see the world. useless. freedom. confused. don't get close in order to keep myself and the other person from unnessecary hurt. not needed. world would go on without me. i don't understand. endless pain.broken.
travel. a feeling that everyone looks at me through different eyes that what they used to. they pity me. are annoyed by me. they can't stand me.
irresponsible. i can't stand myself. i annoy myself. what about love? there's no such thing. i have no chance of finding it. it is lost forever. where did this new me come from? i want the old one back. attention.
Sea of agony lost forever. sea of dispair. sea of loniness. a sea that has no bottom. who cares? i don't.

03-27-01: suicide--time, don't care

emotions emotions emotions...i'm so fragil--it's driving me insane! i mean my jujitsu instructor talked to me tonight and i totally--100% understood and agreed with what he said, and i apologized also. i mean i dont' know why i apologized, probably because i was being a complete idiot and have no control over myself. the scariest thing is that he said, that i've changed in the last month or so. it's something i never saw. or that i didn't want to accept, but he also brought it to my attention that i need to change it. and i think the reason i broke down was because it was a reality check for me. i have no hard feelings for him, in fact i'm happy he said something to me, it means that he still considers me a friend and that the class cares for me.
but then there is the other side that says, they hate me and i'm only causing trouble, because i slipped up at the seminar last saturday and said something things and acted certain ways that people took the wrong way. and in no way did i have any intention of doing that. and now i feel shunned, like an outcast. like everyone looks down on me and hates me. even some of the people i have become closest friends with. so what do i do? send advice if you have any.

anyways, i rushed home asap, and several times found myself steering toward a tree or a ditch. god i'm shaking, i was and still am petrafied that such thoughts even came into my mind! as soon as i reached home, i ran inside to my dad and collapsed. it's definately not like having a boy-friend or someone hold you and rock you and tell you it will be okay, but my dad cares and that's all i needed at that time.
i don't know who i am or what is going on in my head anymore, so i think i'm just going to sign off and see if i'm still alive in the morning or if i'm just having a neverending nightmare. maybe hospitalization is the way to go? am i going insane?

03-26-01: control--oh sometime at night

I have always had control over my life. I knew were my safe places were, I knew who my friends where, I knew I could cheer myself up, I knew I could overcome any challenge that I was faced with, and now, well now, I feel like all of the above and more have been struck out of my life. It's like I'm a totally new person, and have no idea where to go and what to do. I have no control over anything that happens. That scares the shit out of me.
I'm frightened, scared, I don't know who to trust or where to go. My safe places are slowly and surely being swiped from under my nose.
I got a chance to go to church on Sunday and it was fulfilling to a point, but it's like. I've trusted so many men with my heart and have only gotten hurt, that I dont' want to give my heart to Jesus, in fear that he might hurt me. I do not trust him in any way. The pastor I talked to was amazing, he totally blew me away with all of the things he said. It's just a step by step process and he himself went through a 6 month depression and felt the same way I do in a lot of similar ways. I'm not trying to make anyone feel like I'm a religious freak or anything, because I'm far from that, but I do know that there is a God, that's all I need to know. And what I do with that is, well my own, personal business. As of right now--and it kills me to say it--but I don't trust Him, and I think he understands 100%.
Now I will say this weekend brought some hope back into my life. I just threw everything out the door and said, "fuck it all, I'm going to have fun!" There was an attractive guy, and I didn't think I could get him to even talk to me, but I was wrong. We had lots of fun, and we danced and talked up a storm! The strangest thing is that I felt safe for a brief time. I knew he could protect me, but I definately don't think he's interested in me. Anyways, I'm probably not his type. I did find out that he lives in Bloomington, but then to my dismay it's Bloomington, IL, not IN. What luck I have!
So now where do I go what do I do, I've taken then first few steps of climbing the mountain and I'm terrified, I guess it all depends what tomorrow brings, I have no control over it, and that drives me crazy.
So this is where I stand, a broken vessel in the corner, who has nothing left of herself.

03-25-01: blue's and twists--7 pm

i have honestly have not had as much fun as i did last night. jujitsu for 3 or more hours, and then a huge dinner at some chinese restraunt and then i snuck into a blue's bar and didn't even get carded. god it was wonderful! and the music was so alive! it made me feel alive again. plus i met this really great guy, who i have no idea if he even really knows i'm alive, but i taught him some mad-swing-dancing skills and we did some down and dirty dancing. even did the twist! anyways, come to find out he's a black belt w/ red writing, which if i'm not correct i'm sure will correct me. but it's one of the highest belts you can get. and here i am pokie little white belt hitting it all up w/ this guy. anyways, he's cool and i had fun w/ him, took forever for me to get the nerve to talk to him, but he's really open and talkative so it ended up being all cool.
the funniest thing is that people got annoyed w/ me asking if he was single or anyone knew who he was...finally someone just turned over to him and was like are you single? where you from and what's your name? (he was sitting @ the table behing us) it was quite obvious that Karen was asking for my knowledge, and then to make matters worse the "golden pen"--the guy who writes all of dillman's books asked Clint to come over for a second and introduced me as a girl w/ a crush. god was i red and did i feel like i was in 7th grade again. but hey i got a rose made out of a radish and a butterfly made out of a carrot from Clint so it's all cool.
So take note everyone, I had a good time last night and it was damn fun!

03-23-01 matata--10:30 in the pm

Life is full of confusion. It's really tough not knowing what your body is going to do next. I mean off of one pill in the morning--without food, which is the usual for me--made me feel like I was high on marrageewaannnaaa...haha there were a couple of times I thought I was going to fall over at work while helping a customer. My manager would step behind me ever so "casually" and would brace me up--it was actually entertaining.
Anyways, today was a pretty good day, I did get depressed yeah, but it wasn't the really bad depressions where I feel like I'm going insane or something of the sort...they were just like the ones were you get sad and frown a lot. I tried chasing them off with thoughts of Colorado--mmm...mountains...they are calling to me. It does suck though, right now at least, because it's all cold there, and I want a warm place to snuggle up next to my dream man--oh balti where are you? **sigh**
And another thing, this new rule--this--me not being aloud to be alone is getting pretty annoying and fast. If I feel like icecream from DQ, I'm not allowed to go without someone else coming along for the ride--which means that more mula out of Ceej's pocket goes to the expensive passenger. Yeah I definately don't like it.
But on the other hand, I'm happy being surrounded by people all the time...well kinda. I mean I rarely get time alone--not including times I'm in my room on my computer or sleeping--even then I still feel like there are eyes all around watching me...I have to move my drawings off of the wall!! They're getting freakee. But yeah, being around people keeps my mind off of negative thoughts for the most part. Until something sparks in my subconcious and then I have to shove it back down. Then I'm afraid I just might explode. Anyways, enough about this conversation...it was a possitive day for the most part. No anxiety or nervous breakdowns today YEAH!

Not very many people know, but I've been thinking about getting a tatoo. Not anywhere visible...probably around the pelvic bone area. So only special people get to see it. Hopefully that next person will be one I can trust--balti where are you??
I'm thinking of a snake-like dragon, with outlines in gray's, black's and blue's, maybe a bit of red instead of blues. just depends...email me and let me know what you think! Well nighty night...off to bed.

03-21-01: hospital thoughts--11:15 in the pm

emotion, emotion emotion! it sucks, it really does. i'm not in control and i need to get in control. i'm weak, so weak. it's like i'm facing a huge mountain and i'm afraid to take the first step because i don't trust myself, i don't trust my equipment, i don't trust anything or anyone. however, today--according to teri and thanks to the other 2 people i talked to--i have taken the first 4 steps to finding myself again.
the day was a long one, but i managed to get through it. 9 am i talked to a counselor, alice was her name she was the most sincere woman i've ever talked to, that is until she scared me shitless when she asked me if i would go into hospitalization for treatment. i quickly said no. i dont' feel like i need it, maybe i do, but i don't want to go and be locked up, to be isolated in such a way. so instead i signed a paper saying that i swear to call anyone if i have suicidal thoughts or death thoughts again. especially ones that occurred last night.
i seriously do feel like i'm going insane, it's scarey, but like i said i took the first few steps to reach the peak of the mountain and although i'm scared and alone..i think i might be able to do it... i might have just the right amount of strength to get through it, even though i feel so weak and small.
so in the end of april or around that time, if i'm doing better, they have agreed to allow me to take a week off of work (doctor requested due to medical reasons) in which i can take one or more persons---must be at least one...on a vacation with me. (thinking mexico or georgia) who knows what will happen. besides all of the above, i'm scared helpless...no i'm petrafied....

03-21-01: a trip--morning 8 am

i feel like i'm going insane, like i'm having a nervous break down, i don't trust myself when i'm alone. i need to get away so bad! i even thought about quitting my job and going to mexico for a week or two, but who knows, maybe that's just the insane part of me speaking. the other side says no stay with reality.
anyways, i go on a short trip today, i guess last night after i came home from jujitsu i had a nervous break down, anxiety attack whatever. the tears flowed until late at night, non-stop. i'd zone in and out, i can't remember some of things i did. i do remember seeing a razor and wanting to pick it up, but then i got terrified, i came back to reality so to say...i ran to my mom, but felt like she was out to get me, i was so afraid, i don't know why i was so scared, i didn't want anyone to touch me, did not want anyone to speak with me. i wanted to be alone, but i needed someone. god it's so wierd, it's so fucked up. non the less, i'm going today to a psycologist, who thinks my medication is messing w/ my bodies chemistry. i suppose we'll find out by noon today. hopefully. well this is me signing off to face an insane world.

03-20-01: shiver--9 in the pm