s

I'm glad you asked, "G". It's been my experience surfing and buffets are only related in Malibu, where you'll find an oceanside restaurant called "The All-You-Can-Heave Buffet." By the way, do your initials (G.A.S.) stand for anything in particular? Let me hear from you!

From "I Want To Marry A Millionaire" in Las Vegas (Nevada)

While I'm still looking for my millionaire, I'm also afraid I may run out of time while I still have my youth. Do you think I should go ahead and get married or continue to just "love 'em and leave 'em?

Marriage, so far as I'm concerned, is one of the most wonderful, heartwarming, satisfying experiences a human being can have. I've only been married sixteen years, so I actually haven't seen that side of it yet. In this new millennium, "loving and leaving" anybody is not the thing to do. At least not until the tests come back negative.

From J.M. of Pukalani (Maui)

I read with great interest an article in the Maui News stating someone on your staff was to be presented with a rather prestigious award. What I didn't read was what he did to deserve the honor.

You wouldn't understand.

From H.O. of Kihei (Maui)

When are you going to pack it in with that silly website of yours and get a real job so you can support my daughter in the style she'd grown accustomed to when I ~~spoiled~~ looked after her?

That's a problem that's plagued mankind for thousands of years, ever since fathers were invented. I suggest sending $5 for my free booklet, "How To Make Your Father-in-law Believe You're Broke So He'll Keep Advancing You Funds To ~~Spoil~~ Look After His Daughter." It'll keep you in stitches all the way to Alzheimer's . . . and beyond!

From G.R.G. of Makawao (Maui)

I happen to be a teacher at one of Maui's high schools. For the benefit of my students who seem to always be asking me about "safe sex," I thought perhaps you could offer me just one fundamental rule. Mahalo.

That's a tough one, G.R.G. Still, I guess if I had to narrow it down to just one, it would be never to have it on plywood scaffolding.

From W. Gates of Seattle, Washington, America

I want to personally thank you for having the guts and energy to start your website. We all get pretty tired of the same old B.S. foisted upon us by other sites. It takes a lot of imagination and courage to tackle what you do at The City Of Maui and yet do it with humor. Thanks again and best of luck!

Guts, energy, imagination and courage had nothing to do with it, Bill. Broke and starving is more to the point.

From "Bronzed Adonis" of Wailea (Maui)

I love going to the beach, but my wife is very much against it. She tells me horror stories about what happens to people when they spend too much time in the sun and how it affects their health. Is there any truth to her stories, or is it just an excuse for not wanting to go to the beach with me?

There are plenty of reasons for not spending too much time at the beach with your wife, harmful sun rays being just one. I suggest you send $5 for my free booklet, "Shedding Light On The Sun." After reading it, I would consult a psychiatrist to find out why a bronzed Adonis would want to take his wife to the beach in the first place!

From a Maui Judge of Wailuku (Maui)

I recently had the opportunity to visit your Website. I don't know whether to issue a warrant for your arrest or have you committed.

Thanks for writing, Judge, but don't count on us for help. A person in your high position should be able to make his own decisions.

From C. Rollet of Richland, Washington, America

Do you like Kipling?

I don't know, I've never been kippled.

From E.M. of Farmington Hills, MI (America)

A friend of mine on Maui told me about your website, The City Of Maui. I guess I just don't get it. Can you explain to me what it's all about?

I don't think so, E.M., but don't waste a lot of time worrying about it. And for heaven's sake, don't visit too often. We have plenty of your 'da kine' already!

From J. Miller of Ohio (America)

Some weeks ago, you inferred that "a few members of Maui's Council don't know what the hell they're doing." Will you be kind enough to explain?

I should have inferred that "a few members of our Council do know what they're doing." I apologize for the error.

From Doug Paysnoe of Tempe (Arizona)

I'm one of those late tax filers. Since your website has no real news, is it considered tax deductible?

Sorry, Doug. Not this year. However, it is less taxing.

From J. Thornton of Chandler (Arizona)

Does The City Of Maui plan on doing Sports like the other guys?

Let's get something straight, "J." We're not like the other guys. The only "sports" we're going to feature will be folks like you.

From Glenn Oki of Makawao (Maui)

I live in Makawao and got a problem. Driving my pickup round with cowboy hat and boots plus a good chew, I can't meet any nice wimen. I figured if I was famous like you I could pick up some chicks. I can write real good and I'm a hard worker. Can I work for you guys? Can I work and chew at the same time?

PS: Do you pay a lot or a little?

You've given us a great idea for a new web page, Glenn. We'll call it "Typical Makawao Resident."

From Patrick Piano of Kahului (Maui)

Why are all the questions on your FAQs page either sarcastic or written by people trying to be funny? Don't you ever get any serious ones?

We certainly do, Pat. We sell them to other websites.

From D. Severson of Pukalani (Maui)

I have this nagging problem and thought maybe you can help. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years and our sex life is nothing short of great. So tell me, Keoni, why do I still feel guilty about sex? I was raised Catholic, so could it be my religious upbringing? Please help me, Keoni. How can I rid myself of this guilt and just enjoy the sex?

While I sympathize with your plight, "D," it's too complex to answer on this page. I suggest sending $5 for my free booklet, "Sex Without Guilt," or $5 for its free companion volume, "Guilt Without Sex." One or the other should help. If not, send $5 for my other free booklet, "Why Free Booklets Aren't Worth A Damn."

'Got a question?

(It can even be about Maui )

Maybe the Mayor can help!

Drop your question(s) in

Our E-mailbox

(below)