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Emotions · Friends · Mind · Respect
As time continues to pass, the more of a chance that I will learn to feel my emotions once again. I have taken the first step to help myself to regain the ability to feel once again. I have started the process to see a therapist. It is rather interesting to give a brief reasoning behind seeing a therapist to a therapist. I find it interesting because regardless of what you put on the form that you fill out, the person will still ask you the same questions (without reading the form).
One of the questions that were not on the form was the question of suicidal. I know that I have had times to be suicidal however I have always kept myself from doing anything of that sort. I actually had the therapist define the question of suicide multiple times so that I could answer it more honestly. The answer that I finally gave the therapist was an answer of yes that I have been suicidal, I have the thoughts of it every now and again, and I do not hear any voices in my head.
The fact that I have been in a depression for over a decade is a little surprising. I needed to explain what I meant by a "full emotional shutdown" to the therapist, and the therapist said his/her bit about that it was smart for me to do that. I understand that and that is why I am now going to see a therapist about reconnecting me to my emotions. This is something that I will be keeping to myself (and a select few), which means that my family will not know about it.
I tried to tell my mother a while back that I was in a depression, and her response was a look that I was drunk. She told me that I was not depressed and that it was just a "rut", unfortunately she was not ready to accept that I have something more serious going on in my life than she thought. With the response that she gave me about the depression, I know that she isn't prepared to hear about the reasoning behind the depression. All parents have problems understanding that his/her children can go through more difficult things in life than what the parents can imagine.
The therapy is going to help me reconnect to my emotions. To have therapy help in doing that, the therapist will need to be told everything about the depression. The whole story behind the depression, and I will be making sure that the therapist will not be allowed to make any connection to the police about anything that is said. I know that in many cases that a crime is seen to have happened that a therapist has the right to go to the police. In my case I will be stating that the police cannot be involved because I am unwilling to take that course of action. I will also state that if the police are involved that I will deny everything that I had said, to stop any chance for that process to be used. It is a little drastic however it is my choice to make.
There is a small war starting to come around between a bunch of friends and me. This will be a war because of the fact that those friends are one big family. It is going to a war in which my sanity will be regained; however the friendship that is there will be destroyed. I know this because the first shot has already been done, and it has had a cascading affect in the process. I have been prepared to face my past, however I was planning to wait a while (three years) before doing that. Now that shots have been fired at me from this family, I see that I may have to face my past sooner than expected.
I know that I will be having multiple "mood swings" when I start reconnecting to my emotions. I know that I will also have multiple "mood swings" when I face my past. These "mood swings" seem to be connected together and seem to be coming at the same time, now. Time is the question before me, and time will be the solution. The fact that I will be on the defensive during this war will also put me in a lot of harms way in the process. I will have my guard down during the time to reconnect to my emotions, and this also means that I will be having my guard down during this war with friends. The "mood swings" will come quickly because of this.
It will take time to get through all of this. I know this because it took a lot of time for me to enter into the depression. I had multiple "mood swings" happen during the initial process of entry into depression, and I will have worse "mood swings" on the way out. Although I will not be having as much therapy as a person should for something of this magnitude, I will have other options at my disposal. This website will help me to organize my thoughts, as it has in the past. This website is a form of my sanity. It has helped me to regain some of my sanity, and the feedback from this website has helped me some too.
My family will only be informed of the war when it concerns them. I have decided to fight, on my own, and have no need to involve my family. This will be a fight that many people never thought could happen, and most people will never know the whole story behind this war. It will be difficult to fight against such numbers, however I know that the war has a chance to drag up skeletons that no ones wants to have come up. My skeleton, alone, is one that I don't know how much of that family knows exists. My skeleton is devastating enough on its own to cause the war to end, however it could also create a war that would never end.
Everything is a mystery right now, however time can change that. This war will help me somewhat to reconnect to my emotions, and hopefully I do not attack the bystanders that exist. This war has a chance to involve those that have nothing to deal with the war, and I will be trying my best to protect him/her from the war. This is why my family I will be keeping out of the war.
Everyone should have friends because friends can help you when you are unable to help yourself. Friends will be there for you during good times and bad, and many times the tests of time will test those same friendships. During the test of time the friendships that can be destroyed, are the friendships that were not meant to exist forever. If time can destroy the friendship, then it shows that fate didn't want that friendship to exist longer than it did.
When you go something traumatic, your friends are supposed to be there to help you to his/her best ability. There are times that you have something happen to you that you cannot face your family about, and your friends would be your next source for help. Many times that you do something, or someone does something bad to you, you will tend to keep it to yourself. Some people have the courage to tell his/her family, and if he/she cannot trust the family then he/she will tell a friend.
There are also times that something bad happens to you because of a friend. Depending on what the thing is you may be able to tell your family about it, depending on how comfortable you are will the situation and your family knowing it. There are times that people will tell you that you have to take care of the problem yourself, however many times you will need help for those problems. The more that parents say to the children that he/she must work out the problems that he/she encounters; the parents are unaware that he/she is dealing with something serious.
Many times that a person is unable to face his/her parents about something, the problem needs to be addressed as serious. If you are unable to talk to your parents/family about something going on in your life, you should contact someone to help you with the problem. I know this now, however I wish I knew this back in the past. The past always has a chance to catch up to you after time. My past is coming back now because I am unable to continue without facing my past.
I have kept a secret for a long time. This secret was a situation that I felt that I had to hide from. This situation dealt with a friend and me. This situation happened during a time that I was too young to know that something wrong was going on. I also felt at the time that the friendship with the person was worth more to me than my own sanity. I went into a depression due to this thinking, and now I am faced with the same situation as I was in the past. The difference is that we all have gotten older, however this part of the past can no longer stay hidden. All skeletons tend to come back to haunt you after time.
Recently this friend's father verbally assaulted me about one of my other friends. The verbal assault was unprovoked, and has trigger a chain-reaction in the process. It is now known that this parent doesn't want me near this friend for some reason, however will not give a legitimate reason for his reasoning. I told the specific friend what this parent said, and he/she told one of his/her parents. His/her parent went to my friend's father and approached him about what was said. This looks like a nasty circle, however I am grateful that the approach happened. Now it is up to the intelligence of my friend's father to see what he will do next. As I understand, my friend's father is going to talk to me about this whole thing.
There are two possible outcomes that will be coming out of this situation. One outcome is that I will finally be able to tell my friend's father where he can go. I have been hassled by this person for too long, and at the same time he has told me "to grow a backbone". Unfortunate for him, he will see that I have one, however choose not to use it until I have been pushed too far. My friend's father will soon know that I will not tolerate the verbal assault, and he will have to choose between my friendship vs. the things said in the verbal assault.
The other outcome would involve my friend. I have all intensions to face my friend about our past together. I have had these intensions since I finally emitted to myself that our past together was the reason for my depression. For me to finally come out of this depression, and continue with life, I will have to face the past (regardless of the seriousness). For a person to protect another for so long can cause more damage to the sanity of you, than the friendship is worth. I have decided that my sanity is worth more than the friendship, and will end the friendship if necessary.
If my friend is involved into the situation with his/her father, I will be prepared for the worst. I have been told by my family to "keep the peace", however my family doesn't know the whole situation, they just know about the verbal assault. I have the current plans to face my past with my friend, at the latest three years from now. If his/her father feels it necessary to bring him/her into the middle of the dispute that has escapade to the degree it has, then that time frame may be decreased. A part of me would like to finally get it all over with as soon as possible, however another part wants to wait for the time frame to come.
There are so few people that know the truth about everything, and there are more that are learning about it as time continues to pass. I have yet to be able to confront my parents about the situation, however in time it will be time for them to know. Time is the constant that may be running out for my friend, and I can only prepare for the worst. My friend's father on the other hand is soon going to learn not to push me to the point for me to fight back. This is a lesson that he will soon learn and pay for in the process.
The mind of any person is very complicated. There are times that the mind can seem simple, however the rest of the time it is complicated. Everybody's minds are different, and no two minds can be treated the same way. There are always differences in the person's experiences to make any treatment become more different than the last. When a person is trying to protect another person, at the same time keep his/her own sanity, it becomes difficult to treat the person because the person is not completely willing to do what is necessary.
There has always been the chance to test loyalties between friends, and many times the loyalties will win. There are times, however, that the loyalties to a person can cost yourself your sanity in the end. This is the type of test I am currently against. To be able to conquer the depression I am in, I will have to stop protecting a friend. This means that I will be willing to sacrifice a friendship for my own well-being. I am willing to do this to a point. I wish to still protect that friend, however I am not willing to cover up for that friend any longer.
I have destroyed my own life long enough, and now I am going to do what I should have done in the past. I am going to face the problem that put me into the depression. Interestingly enough everyone, including the one I am protecting, has told me to "get on with my life" and to no longer to take any grief from anyone. Now I am placed into a position that I have to fight back. I have been verbally assaulted by one of these people, which I understood as an attack against a special friend (to me) and my own judgment. I told this friend, he/she told his/her parents about it, and they approach the person that verbally assaulted me. It was mentioned that I was going to be contacted by this person during this past weekend, however that person hasn't talked to me yet.
This person denied saying anything of the wording that I had reported. He/she will be contacting me at some point, however I believe he/she will be having his/her child with me when it happens. If the child (long time friend to me) is being involved, this person may not like the results. I have never gone against this specific family because I have never seen a reason to, however time changes everything. When I was verbally attacked, I lost every bit of respect for that person due to the comments used. I also have a long history with his/her child, and that history may come back to haunt him/her because of that.
I have no intensions to cause any pain & suffering when it is unnecessary, however this type of pain & suffering may have to come out to help me regain my sanity. I went into the depression to protect everyone around me because I was not willing to cause that type of pain & suffering, regardless of the cost to myself. My sanity was challenged due to this, and all emotional contact was removed. To repress your own emotion takes a lot of will-power, and to be willing to repress the necessary memories takes a lot of mind control. These two things helped me to become depressed.
I am now trying to come out of this depression, that I have been in for over a decade. For me to truly defeat the depression, I will be required to approach my friend in the appropriate manner. This seems to be the only way for me to have a bit of "piece of mind" dealing with that friend. I have made strides to come out of this depression, such as finally emitting to myself that my friend was the reason for the depression. The amount of hate and anger that I felt that day towards that person was greater than anyone could imagine. When I left for his/her place, after talking with my special friend, it is amazing that I didn't attack the one I felt the hate towards.
My mind is currently really messed up. For me to continue in the real world (work) I have been typing this type of stuff more and more. I have decided that this website is the only true way to my sanity, and hopefully after time it will do more than what any therapist can do for me. This website is every thought that I have ever typed up since I was in therapy the first time through. This website will continue to be updated with my thoughts because it relaxes it somewhat to know that I may be able to help some of you with my experiences. Also some of the feedback has been interesting to read, however most of it seems to be people unable to accept that these thoughts can exist in a normal person.
I know that I cannot protect everyone from the worst things that exist in the world, however it is always comforting to know that I can try. I will not be able to protect everyone when my war amongst friends starts, however I can always try to shield them as much as possible. There is going to be a lot of hurt by a lot of people when I finally can come out of my depression. Those that are directly involved with the reason of my depression will feel the worst of it, however I hope that I can protect others from the hurt. My family will not be involved in this war, and I pray that they do not get told the truth of my depression too.
My life is going to be flipped up-side-down when the truth finally comes out. My mind is currently screwed enough to show the severity of the situation, and hopefully the therapy is going help out enough to make me become somewhat normal. My mind is very dangerous with the information that is in it. I have been a ticking time-bomb since I emitted to myself that my best friend (at the time) was the primary reason for me going into a depression. Now time is the only thing that can decide when "Hell on Earth" will actually start.
Everyone demands to have respect from everyone else, whether you deserve it or not. Many people demand the respect from others because of the social standing that he/she may have in a community. There are also others that demand the respect because he/she is a bully. In that type of case, it is fear not respect. Respect seems to be something that people demand for, however very few actually earn any respect without any demand for it.
I know how a person can earn respect and how a person can also lose it just as easily. I have had a lot of respect for multiple people throughout my life. I have also recently lost all respect for one person specifically. The respect that I had for this person had existed for over twenty years. This respect was there because of the time that I was around the person, and who I saw the person to be during that time. Any respect that I had for this person was lost due to one stupid move on his part. This person did a verbal attack on me, approximately four weeks ago, and since then I have had no respect for this person.
The verbal attack was unprovoked, and insulted both my judgment of people and a very good friend of mine. In the process he/she, during this verbal attack, didn't seem to care that I already knew the information that he/she was shoving down my throat. He/she also had the nerve to mention something that was a rumor, however he/she stated it as a fact towards this good friend of mine. I was in shock that he/she could have done such an attack, even more shocked that he/she did it towards me. There was also two other people around when he/she did this verbal attack, which made me see even less respect for this person.
All throughout my life, everyone has told me to stand up for myself (to grow a backbone). I have always stood up for what I believed in fighting against. Everything that was shouted at me during this verbal attack caused me to see this person in a new way. Several other people have told me that this person was not the person to be around due to this type of action. I never saw this type of action until now, and now he/she will soon know that I will be standing up for myself this time. I never saw this type of thing in this person, and he/she hasn't seen me stand up against his/her family before either.
This will be a first for me to stand up against a family that I have been associated with for all of my life. I have never had a disagreement that caused me to fight against them. Now I am in a position that I do not agree with him/her and will fight back to an endless degree. I will force this person to choose between my friendship and the comments that he/she decided to verbally attack me with. No matter the choice of this person, any respect that I had for him/her is gone. I also see no time in the future for him/her to regain that respect due to what was said.
I also have a great amount of respect for my good friend. I told him/her what was said in the verbal attack, and he/she did what he/she thought was necessary with the information. Although it stung him/her by knowing that the things were said about him/her, he/she said that he/she expected it. It was now confirmed, however it was still a little destructive at the same time. I began to learn why this friend tended to remove himself/herself from a situation that involved myself and this other person. Now this good friend will be seeing a side of me that no one has seen before.
I know that there are many people in the community that respect me. Many of them respect me because of what I did in school, and during the sporting stuff. I earned a lot of respect from many people because I was always a fun-loving person that didn't care who knew it. I also stood up against anything that I didn't feel was right, regardless of the odds against me. Many times I got the "shit kicked out of me", however many people respected me for my courage (or stupidity, depending on who you talked to).
I will be having a lot of people question my actions for the next while. Especially when people find out that I will be having a war with a family that I grew up with. I will be fighting against people that have been seen as a second family to me, and I will be doing this because it is the right thing to do. Any respect that did exist between me and this other person is gone now. I will be standing up against the actions that he/she did towards my good friend and me, and there will be no one that will be able to change my mind over this. I know that I am a friend with that whole family, and that family will try to interfere. This is a fight that the family should stay out of, however we all know that family will stand up for family.
This war may cost me some friends, however I wouldn't be able to have any respect for myself if I did nothing. I need to follow my "true nature" and this war will be the first step to make things right. If this person tries to use any of the children as protection, in other words hide behind his/her children, I will be forced to challenge those people too. I will not allow anyone to say such harmful things about anyone, without a shred of proof. I will not let anyone insult my judgment or the integrity of any of my friends, regardless of the cost for standing up against them.
Whether people respect me for what I will be doing in the future, or think I am an idiot for going against those odds; really doesn't matter to me. Doing what is right and being able to say that I can respect myself for my actions is what really counts. I will be going against long time friends, however that means nothing when the respect has been shattered in those friendships. Time can only tell what is going to happen now.
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