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Darkness · Innocence · Life · Pain · War ·
The darkness is all around us. We fight the darkness all of the time. The way that we fight the darkness is through doing good things. To be able to fight for what is right is the only reason that a person really needs. It doesn't matter if you are fighting against a friend, a family, or a bully. If you are fighting for what is right, you will be fighting against the darkness in the world.
I have seen the darkness that is in the world. I have been on the side of the darkness for many years because of the depression that I have been in for more than a decade. The darkness guided me through the depression and helped me to go further into the depression than most others get to, and survive. The darkness had me consider suicide on multiple occasions, and the darkness seems to put still around for that same reason.
When a person becomes closer to the darkness than is healthy, it is time for the person to have therapy. I have been able to turn my back on the darkness for the past 15 months. I have started to come out of the depression, which the darkness guided me into. The darkness is still with me, even now with the need to leave the depression. The darkness will be with me until I finally face the past, and to face the past I will have to cause a lot of pain & suffering to those that I grew up with. I protected everyone at the expense of myself (my sanity & my emotional contact), but now it is time for me to think for myself and no longer protect everyone.
The darkness will enjoy the pain & suffering that I will be inflicting onto others. The darkness will become defeated within myself, however it will be able to feed onto everyone else. I know that it will take time for me to finally defeat the darkness, and stop my inner-darkness from surfacing. My inner-darkness is all of the negative emotions that I have been burying for all of my life. The "snapping periods" that I had in the past helped me to vent some of those emotions, however I haven't had a "snapping period" in 7 years. For the past 7 years I have had negative emotions being pushing further in my subconscious and I think I will have no control when they surface once again.
I am about to go through a lot of therapy. I am doing this to help me reconnect to my emotions, and perhaps completely take me away from this depression. It is rare for a person to go into therapy willingly, and in my case it would get dangerous if I didn't see a therapist. I know the amount of negative emotions that are buried in my mind, and I know of how much pain & suffering I have had to the depression. I know that it is all there, however I do not feel any of it. Knowing and feeling are different, however can be deadly at the same time.
I always seemed to be a loner. I always seem to stay within an "inner circle" of friends and wouldn't let anyone within that "inner circle". This gave me the ability to limit contact with other people, and if I had a problem with one of those people I would just not be around that person for a time. The darkness enjoyed me staying within the "inner circle" because the darkness knew that I would be trying to refortify the mental barriers that were against my emotions. I would do this because I needed to make sure that no one could cause me to feel. If I felt anything for any reason, I knew that the secret would be released. I couldn't live with that, and the darkness helped me to hide from my emotions.
With what I have gone through in my life, I have the ability to see signs of things before others. I know that I will be able to help people from doing things that I have done in my past, however I also know that I still have a lot to still go through. The darkness is always within each and every one of us and there is nothing we can do to stop that. All that we can do is to continue our lives and do what is right when the opportunities arise. If we try to beat the darkness, we are just beating ourselves because the darkness will always be there. It is our fears, and many times we will stay away from those fears. The darkness will guide us when the time comes.
In the time of war, the darkness is seen more and more. When the war is between one person and a complete family, the one person is seen to be on the side of the darkness, through the eyes of anyone that doesn't know the details of the war. Many times when the odds are against a person to fight something, the one person is fighting the darkness because the darkness is the group (family). There are times that the one person is on the side of darkness; however not knowing the details causes a lot of assumptions that shouldn't be taken in.
I know that in the wars that I am about to be in, the darkness will be on both sides. The darkness will be on both sides because the darkness will be causing the reason for it being called a war. Until there is one true "good side" the darkness will be fighting for both sides. This can cause any war to last longer than it is suppose to be. I know that one war I will be in is to fight for what is right, however the other one is a war that is for sanity. To fight for your own sanity can be seen as the right, however at the same time it can be seen as the wrong thing. It all depends on your outlook on the situation. Both wars will involve the same family, just different members of it.
I have never chose to fight against anyone that I am close to. I have fought against bullies, and others that needed to be stood up against, however never against this family. The darkness will be on my side to see the pain & suffering that will happen, and the darkness will be on the other side to try to force me to have pain & suffering done to me too. I know that this will be an ugly battle, regardless of the war, and I hope that anything that happens can be gotten over. The darkness is the only one that can win from either war.
Everyone is innocent from one time or another. No one is guilty all of the time. There is always a chance for innocence in each and every one of us. Regardless of what our past is, future holds for us, in the present we all have a form of innocence. Many times the innocence that we possess will be questioned because of actions we will do. Many of us will be seen to have no more innocence because of the actions that we continue to do.
It is believed that when you lose your innocence, you cannot get it back. I believe that this statement is untrue. Anyone can regain innocence in his/her life, regardless of how the innocence was taken from him/her in the past. If a person has a good heart and is kind, I believe that the person regains that innocence. Many times that if someone tries to take the innocence of a person, the person is changed forever. If the person was kind and caring, the person will normally become unwilling for anyone to get close to him/her. This is usually when the innocence of the person is lost. If the person, even after someone trying to take his/her innocence, is still kind and caring then I believe that the person keeps his/her innocence (at some level).
I know that I have done some really stupid things in my past. I know that I will never be able to forgive myself for most of those stupid things. My depression being the top of the list of stupid things I have done in my life. Although what I did was sort of honorable, it was still stupid nonetheless. I will be working on reversing the damage done to myself during & because of the depression. This will take a long time to get through, and I am willing to do whatever is necessary to have this depression dealt with (within reason).
I know that my depression has taken a certain amount of innocence from me. I know that many of the stupid things I have done in the past has taken more of my innocence. I also know that when you are a victim, it is seen that your innocence has been destroyed and you will feel like you will never get it back. I will be causing a lot of pain & suffering to others and myself when I attempt to conquer this depression. The pain & suffering will be through me speaking the truth finally about something that has been hidden in the past for so long. This will cause pain & suffering to everyone that I have tried to protect, however I must do this because I cannot live a life of depression.
It has been a long and brutal battle for me to deal with everything. I have protected so many people from something, and caused myself so much grief, but it is all going to end soon for me. For me to regain some of my innocence, regardless if I am going to cause pain & suffering to others, by letting myself fight for what is right. I know that I will be sacrificing a friendship in the process, the same friendship that I wanted to keep no matter the cost. I will do this because it is the right thing to do. I will no longer protect others at the cost of my own sanity.
I have lived a long time without any feeling of emotions. I have been able to do this because I understood what loyalties were, and I followed my instincts (gut feeling). I followed these senses and have been able to get as far in life as a person can without emotions. Now I have been told by everyone around me, including those that I will be hurting very soon, that I have to consider my life more carefully. I have to consider settling down, and making a family with that person. For me to even come to terms with that type of life, I will have to regain a connection to my emotions. For the connection to exist I will have to leave the depression.
There is a lot that I will be going through for the next while. I expect in three years, at least, it will take me to finally have the depression dealt with to the fullest extent. I will need to face the past that I have buried for so long, and people that thought that he/she knew me and my past will find out that I have a past that has been hidden for a long time. I have been preparing myself for the worst for the last month. I have a war with a family coming up soon, depending on what certain people do in the next little while. This will be a war against people, one specifically, that I had a lot of respect for because I grew up with the family. Now I have seen the specific person's true colors and the respect has left because of that.
I will be proving to many people that innocence can be regained. I have seen innocence get regained through others, regardless if he/she knows that he/she has regained the innocence. I spend a lot of time with friends that I trust, and I will listen to whatever he/she has to say to me about anything. I do this because everyone needs someone to have listen to him/her and give an honest outlook on the topic that is discussed. This has helped my friends and me when any of us needed to talk about something.
When you do things because your heart (in my case its instincts) tells you that it is right to do them, it shows that you still have some innocence within you. To have innocence you must be able to prove on some level that you are innocent. With the fight with myself and the pain & suffering that will come from the fight, I will feel like I am not innocent. I know this however I am still willing to do it because it is necessary for me to regain my sanity. Without my sanity, my life is worthless, and no one can predict the type of harm a person can do with thoughts like that.
My life has been destroyed through one stupid move, and now I will be correcting that stupidity. In doing so I may regain some of the innocence that I lost when I entered into the depression. I may also regain some of the innocence that I lost because of the secret. Time is the only thing that can tell what will happen in the future.
There are many questions about life, and what life involves. I know that many people are looking for the meaning of life too, however that is an answer that no one can truly answer because no one really knows. The only way to find out the answer to the meaning of life is to talk to the one that created all life. For some people that would involve a religious belief, some will want to involve aliens, and others will involve the scientific books.
There are also times that you will ask yourself what your life is really worth. Many of us will not have an answer to that because we are unable to think that you can put a price on life. There will be times that you will know whether your life is worth more than another person's life. There will be times that you will ask yourself if another person's life is worth more than yours is. These questions will arise when you start to consider what you have done in your life, and whether you can do much more with it.
In the past I have had these thoughts. I have decided, in the past, that one person's life was worth more than my own. When I decided this, I put myself into a depression. I disconnected myself from my own emotions so that I could make sure that the secret I was hiding couldn't be drawn out. This enabled me to seem in control, however at the same time become a target on every bully's radar. When a person is unwilling to fight back, and show no emotion in doing so, the person tends to draw the wrong attention.
My life has involved a lot of pain & suffering. I went through this pain & suffering to keep a friendship and to protect those people around me. I didn't want to give these people any pain & suffering, so I caused myself to go into the depression. The more time that went by during this depression, the harder it became to show no emotion. At times I would have a "snapping period" that would release all the built up emotion, all at once. This would normally happen when I slept, and I would wake up knowing it happened because I would 1) feel more control of myself and 2) something that was by my bed would be across the room in a million pieces. I had this happen once when I was awake, that I can remember. I choked a person that "pushed my buttons too much", had a person ten times stronger than me restrain me, I over powered the person, and for that time people feared me. It was a 15-minute burst of emotion, and I didn't remember it happening until 3 months later. The positive side is that the person deserved it.
It is never healthy for anyone to wiling put himself/herself in harms way like that. For a person to choose to sacrifice himself/herself, as I did, to protect others can have extremely harmful side effects. An example of the side effects being the "snapping period" as described above. To have emotional outbreaks rather than to experience emotions as they come is a sacrifice that no one would do to the extent that I did. I will be having therapy to help me reverse the damage of removing emotions from my mind. I will be going through a lot of emotional pain & suffering because of the amount of time it will take to reconnect everything.
I also will be working between the times of the therapy, and hoping that the changes that I will be experiencing will not stop me from working. I know that if I were to be in school when I decide to do such a drastic thing, I would wait until the summer so that I would have more time available for the therapy. I would also do it during the summer to be sure that if I have a breakdown, I would not do it around a public area.
If I had the ability to change my past, I would. I know now that the depression was not the thing to do. To protect that friendship and everyone around me is an honorable thing to do, however is not the right thing to do. The secret should have come out back at the time it was suppose to. If I had the chance I would have stopped the situation from happening too so that the secret never would have happened. I would stop that type of situation from happening to anyone of the community too, just to make it so that the pain & suffering of the community never happened.
It is rather unfortunate that we cannot change our past because stopping this type of pain & suffering would be worth whatever cost to one's self to have it all stop. We may not be able to change the past, however we still have the ability to stop the past from haunting us. The past does not have the ability to stop the future, regardless of what you feel about your own life. There is always something that you can do to make any pain & suffering end for you or those around you. You may need to cause more pain & suffering to make it all goes away, however it is still possible to end the pain & suffering.
I have realized after a lot of thought, and talking to those that know my secret, that my life is worth more than I believed it to be. I never believed that my life was worth that much before the depression because I felt that there was something wrong with me for letting the "secret" happen. After the depression had a full grip, I felt my life wasn't worth anything because I went into the depression. I know that every once in a while I will feel that my life is not worth anything, and I believe this is a natural thing for a victim of something to feel.
I do have times that I have a lot of self-doubt about myself. I do still have times that I feel that my sanity is not worth the pain & suffering I am about to inflict into the world. With the help of a special friend I am able to realize that the pain & suffering I have obtained due to my depression, I didn't deserve. There will always be self-doubt about everything, however I know that I cannot truly be happy in life if I stay depressed.
There has always been pain in the world. All of us will experience pain at one time or another. Anyone that seems to be able to absorb a lot of punishment and show no signs of that pain doesn't mean that the person isn't feeling the pain. After time that punishment that is received will show, it all depends on whether the person is willing to show the damage that he/she has had inflicted on to them to others or not.
Many people seem to have a stronger will than other people. These people seem to be stronger in his/her will because of the amount of verbal punishment that he/she can withstand at any given point. This is never healthy for anyone to do, however it is something that all of us will do at some time or another. We will do this type of act so that we do not show emotions at the wrong time. An example of this is in a work type setting. If you are at work and you are given some disturbing news, you tend to become distracted due to that disturbing news. This type of distraction can become very painful when you are at work because you are unable to focus whatsoever.
Many of us deal with pain in different ways. With the depression that I was in for over a decade, I dealt with pain differently than anyone else around me. Whenever I would receive any bad news, for any reason, I would bottle that pain and just "shove it" somewhere. I would deal with that pain at a different time so that I would be able to help anyone else to deal with the pain that he/she was feeling. Regardless of how the pain affected me, I would remove the pain from my mind for me to deal with at another time. This allowed me to deal with the pain when I was alone. The problem with doing this is that I never really got around with dealing with that pain unless I "snapped" at/around someone.
To have a certain degree of control is necessary to be able to operate in a normal day. I have found that regardless of the situation, I would always act as if no one could say anything to me to make me feel pain. For a person to be able to "fake" this type of ability, the person is required to have a great amount of control. In my case, control was to repress all of my emotions. This has costly consequences and I am beginning to pay for those costs, now. This also made it seem that I had a lot of patients (a lack of short fuse).
There have been multiple deaths in my family during the time of my depression. Every time that someone died, I seemed to not really change my attitude (as if I didn't care). Appearances can be deceiving because we can all put up a brave front. For me to do this, I caused more emotional damage than one person should experience in his/her lifetime. I was able to do this type of attitude for the time of my depression because when I went into the depression, I felt like a part of me had died. So when any death came along, I felt nothing (directly) because I wouldn't allow myself to.
I know that there is going to be a lot of pain & suffering in my future. I am at the first step of many to come out of my depression and finally be reconnected to my emotions. For this to happen I will need to finally face the past that I have protected for the time of my depression. I know that my depression has been in affect for over a decade, however I do not remember an exact time that it started. I know when approximately when I felt the full shot of the depression, however I do not remember when exactly I started to go into the depression. I think that I was on my way into the depression at least 5 years before the "final nail went in" for me to go completely into the depression.
The pain & suffering that I know is in my future will be because of the fact that I am coming out of my depression. I will be letting people know why I was in the depression, and I will be making those that are responsible for it to know that I will no longer protect him/her. I have caused my sanity to be in question because of the pain & suffering that I inflicted upon myself, mentally. I have also caused my emotions to no longer be a part of my life. These things are the cost of the depression that I put myself into, to protect everyone around me from a secret from the past. This secret may not be put in everyone's eyes however I will no longer suffer because of it.
It took a lot for me to see that I was a victim through all of this. At the time of the depression's initial start; I felt that keeping a friendship was more important than my own mental state. I put myself into the depression to save that friendship, and to also make sure that the people around me didn't feel any pain & suffering from the secret. Now that I have begun to come out of the depression I have discovered that I need to face that friend and tell him/her that the secret that we share is the reason for my depression. Regardless of his/her response, I will not be doing anything to involve the law, and I will be making sure that he/she knows that I will no longer allow what happened to hold me back any more.
I have a difficult road ahead of me. There will be a lot of pain & suffering that I will feel when I finally reconnect to my emotions. I also know that there will be a lot of pain & suffering for those around me if/when they find out what I have been hiding for so long. It is unfortunate that the secret has to come out, however it is necessary for me to finally "get on" with my life. I cannot hold that secret and still continue in life acting as if everything is all right.
I know that those around me will see a change in me also. I will be going to the hospital for medical appointments that I will not say what it is for. I will become more distracted the more that I reconnect to those emotions. I will also want to be alone a lot, which will have me doing more exercises because I will not be safe behind the wheel of a vehicle. It is said that time will heal all wounds, however these wounds will take more than time to be allowed to heal. Time is the only question now because no one can say how much control I will have during this long process.
When a war happens, there will always be one form or another of innocent bystanders that will be harmed. This is true no matter the war, and no matter how much people say that the innocent will no be harmed. The innocent is always harmed when a war exists, it may not be directly however the innocent will feel the effects of any war.
I am about to go into a pair of wars. One war is with myself, and in the process I will be having a lot of different moods. These moods can/will change without warning, and in the process will make PMS seem like child's play. These moods will be erratic and uncontrolled, but I will not be any danger to society during this time. I will have a certain amount of control, however I will not be in full control. This is because I will be battling with myself to finally come out of this depression. For me to come out of it altogether, I will have to face the past, which I have protected for all this time. This may cost me a friendship, however my sanity is worth more to be than any friendship.
The second war will be with a family that I grew up with. I have known this family all of my life, however something has come up to have me fight against them. I have always been told by everyone to get a "backbone" and "stand up for myself". In the past I have stood up against anything I felt was worth fighting for, and in many cases I got beat up because of it. When it came to people picking on me, I saw no need to fight back because I didn't feel (directly) the teasing. Where I was depressed and was repressing my emotions, the teasing didn't bother me (directly), however indirectly it did get to me after time.
This second war will be unavoidable because of what has initiated the whole thing. I was verbally assaulted and told to stay away from a special friend of mine, in a prejudicial manner. I was in shock when I heard those types of words come out of that person's mouth. Depending on what this person does now, and how many people within the family he/she involves, will depend on how big a war this really will be. This is a war that will take time to get through, however I will be standing alone against this family. I will be standing alone because I do not want to involve my family into this war, especially if my first war gets twisted into this one.
The first war can be tied into the second war because the depression is due to someone in that family. I felt that the friendship with this specific person was worth more than my sanity, however now I do not believe in that. I feel that my sanity is worth more because I cannot continue in life until I have the depression removed. This personal war will cause me to re-experience the negative emotions that I felt during the initial start of my depression. I know the type of "hell" that I went through on the way into the depression, however I also fear what I will need to experience on the way out of the depression.
Between the two wars, I am preparing for the worst. If the worst comes, people will begin to see a change in everything I do. The main thing that people will see is the fact that I will remove myself from the public's eye. I will be forcing people to stay away from me during this time because I do not wish to cause any unnecessary pain to anyone. If a person removes himself/herself from the public's eye, it means that the person feels like he/she will need to be alone for a period of time. Many times that people do this it is because he/she feels that he/she needs to think things through, however at the same time the person may need to talk to someone about everything too.
In my case I know that talking with certain people will be required, however only with those that I feel I can trust. There is a high chance that I will not seem like a pleasant person at times, however if any is around me it is a good sign. These wars will be taking a number on my mental state. Preparing for the worst in both wars has given me the ability to not be surprised when certain things happen. If the worst doesn't come then I will be happier, but if the worst does come then I can't be any worse off when it comes. I know that I will be disappointed if the worst does come up, however I will be prepared for it so I will be able to handle myself when it comes.
For those that are innocent in either of these wars, I will try to protect them as much as I can. If I become an unpleasant person I will want to be alone, however in doing so I will cause some people to feel bad that I will not want to be around him/her. I know this because this is what I did when I was going into my depression; I did exactly the same thing however he/she didn't get hurt. I also know that there will be family members that will want to know what is wrong, however I will be unable to let them near me either. I know how much of a "ticking time-bomb" that I can be at times. If I start to lose any control of my feelings, I may say things that are extremely harmful towards those around me. I will be sure to protect them from that type of cruelty, however there are still friends that will want to stand by me during the worst.
War is never a beautiful thing. War is never a simple thing. War is the worst thing to happen in anyone's life. Pain & suffering is the most common thing in any war. I know that my two wars that are coming will be extremely painful to me, and will cause pain to those that are involved into those wars. It is unfortunate that any of us will need to see such pain in the world, and ourselves. It is sad to see the destruction that can occur due to something buried in the past. A positive side about everything is that I will be taking more walks because I will need to clear my head. If I need to clear my head I will not drive because I may get a bit of a case of "road rage". I don't need that on top of everything else.
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