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Squirrels
When we moved into 31 E Lane back in the fall of 99, we noticed a squirrel that would frequent our porch. We called him Norm. For two years Norm gave us only minor problems. For instance, sometimes Norm would be hungry and munch on Cormac's phone line and knock it out. But it is only Cormac and he took care of it the way he always does, he called Buckeye. Finally Norm munched through the phone line for the last time.
Norm met his demise at the beginning this year. Norm was found running inside of Burn's room. We chased him out Burns' window, but Norm still wanted to be a part of 31 E Lane. So later that day, Norm was found eating pizza in our kitchen. Timmy threw the pizza in the basement and Norm pursued. So fast acting Cormac did what he does best and called Buckeye. Critter Control came the next day and Norm was finally captured and was taken to "a better place."
Revenge of the Squirrels
Apparently Norm had some connections to the squirrel mofia, because our troubles were just beginning. It seems that Norm was getting busy the past two years with the lady squirrels, and the one he was currently banging was ticked when he failed to bring home some of that tasty pizza they had become accustomed to. So she decided to send one of her boys to find Norm. Well this squirrel must was not the sharpest knife in the drawer and got caught in the furnace closet upstairs. This unfortunate critter was eventually trapped by Tom and Tuna's trapping service and also followed Norm's fate.
As all typical women, Norm's woman sent another son out to do her dirty work. But this one, afraid of the curse of the heating ducts, went outside the house. But he too was noticed by Tom and Tuna's trapping service. Manned with a pellet gun, I followed it to the porch of the adobe behind us and watched it pause for a break to eat some pizza. Well then the perfect moment appeared and I lined up my shot. Bang, I missed and the pellet went of into nowhere. But the dumb critter decided that it was in his best interest not to move. As I loaded the next pellet, the squirrel looked at me with a puzzling look. Then I moved in to about 3 feet away and took my shot. It was a hit and a beautiful one it was. The squirrel charged at me and then proceeded to run into the parking lot. As Tom and Tuna's trapping service closed in they were rudely interrupted.
Attack of the Maintenance Man
All the sudden the true enemy revealed himself. Charging towards us was this toothless, over-all wearing, greasy redneck screaming: "Put that gun up." Luckily, with me being from Altoona and having some experience with the mountain folk, I quickly understood that he wanted me to put the pellet gun away. So without wanting to cause any more of a scene, I complied and put the pellet gun back in the house.
My partner in trapping decided to stay outside. But in doing so, he subjected himself to the wrath of the redneck. Tom, being city folk, was stunned, if not amused, by the ramblings of the maintenance man. Unfortunately, the redneck did not share Tom's amusement, and decided to get up close and personal and, "teach that boy a lesson." Billy-Bob-Jimbo taught Tom the rules of squirrel etiquette, but he lost control of his saliva and sprayed Tom with his poison spit. Tom, being a college student and all, quickly realized the health hazards of this poison spit, and asked: "Please do not spit on me, sir." The use of the word "Sir" angered Billy-Bob-Jimbo, and he decided to bitch-slap Tom. This was purely to aid in teaching Tom about manners. Feeling that his job was done, the redneck went back to his maintenance work.
Now everyone knows that when you hire Tom and Tuna's Trapping Services, you get a no frills environment and you get exactly what you asked for: Tom and Tuna. Apparently Billy-Bob-Jimbo was not aware of our trapping service and seemed somewhat shocked when he returned to his service van to find both of us waiting. And an insult battle ensued. Highlights from the battle were:
Billy-Bob-Jimbo(translation): Well at least I have a job. That's better than being in a dead end place like here (college).
Billy-Bob-Jimbo: Only stupid people shoot at squirrels.
Bolly-Bob-Jimbo: You better watch your ass.
Reply: Why are you going to rape it?
The redneck then started his sexual predator van and sped away. Tom said that he might have seen a tear in his eye. Eyewitness Jason, from 35 E Lane, was asked about what just went down in his front yard, and he replied: "I was scared, I hope he doesn't come back." Jason then ran inside his house and locked the door. Later that night, after a few phone calls, Tom and Tuna's Trapping Service made sure that the only maintenance Billy-Bob-Jimbo will be doing is on the french fryers at McDonalds.
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