news: up to the date worldwide headlines

But first: the IBM Chess computer "Hairy Thought Pump" has changed its name to Perri 6, and found solace in Sheffield (it continues to pump its hairy thoughts towards a chess board at a rate of knots). The machine managed to beat Gary Kasparov by blasting him into a wok.

Kasparov spoke to our man in Sheffield last night, and hurled several unpleasant sentences in the pump's direction. "Is a disgrace", he lied. "I've been blasted into a wall on one occasion, I remember, but never into a wok. I expect the force may have minutely damaged my mind. That really would have been a sight to not enjoy."

The stream of abuse which followed this is not fit to put into print. You naughty little man! But, on reflection, good.

An anonymous man today revealed on the "Esther" programme on British BBC television that he had been "abducted by aliens", and that he had huge quantities of convincing evidence.

The man, who shall be known for the purposes of this article as Mr. Betty, claimed that "...they were doing surgery on my knees". He continued, "...they left me with long johns. And sometimes, when I look down...I can't see them."

Esther enquired as to the circumstances when the pants disappeared. Mr. Betty replied "at night". We will bring you more on this story as and when it breaks.