Dr Ed Bob

The Doctor is in the house to take care of all the troubles you might have.

Hello you little retards. Welcome to my exciting new page at TLOTS2. You will see loads of different stuff on this page in the future such as a problems page (like this week), interviews, personal ramblings and articles and anything else I feel like doing.

In case you didn't know I am Dr Ed Bob. I have been a doctor now for many years and despite various lawsuits and criminal charges I hope to remain one for the considerable future.

It has come to my attention that most people who visit this site or indeed claim to be a scope are infact complete genetic freaks who are the result of DNA mismatches caused by their mothers sleeping with various wildlife that they happen to find roaming around the streets. Seeing as I am well qualified in psychological and physical therapy (having trained at the Dogs Medical School for Mutant Bisexual Raccoons at the University of Central England) I was offered the job of sorting you miserable nob jockeys out.

Now on to the first letter,

Gormless Twat Head

Dear Dr Bob

I am 16 years old. I have recently found out that my girlfriend has become pregnant. I am worried because she is only 16 too and we are both too young to be thinking of bringing up a child. Her parents have kicked her out of her house until she gets rid of the baby. She has said that she would like the two of us to move in together. At the moment she is living in a dustbin behind Marks and Spencers. She refuses to have an abortion.

My parents have not found out yet and I'm really worried that they might ground me. I don't want to leave her to bring up the baby on her own in a dustbin as it's not fair on her or the baby, however, at the same time I am too young to have the responsibility that moving into a house of our own with a child brings. I did not realise that having unprotected sex could cause a woman to become pregnant and now it seems that I am paying the price.

Please help,

Worried & Desperate.

Dr Ed Bob Replies - There are 2 approaches to this problem. The first one is to act responsibly, both you and your girlfriend sit down with all your parents and fully discuss the matter and see what arrangements you come up with.

The second and my personal favourite is, ditch the b*tch. It's not your fault that she didn't take the proper precautions so tell her to p*ss off and be done with it. Instead of hanging around with your pregnant bint why don't you have some fun and experiment with some mind altering drugs? If you pop into my surgery in Walsall I'll gladly write you a prescription. Don't worry this is a successful method that I advise all my patients in your position to take. Teenage single mum's and irresponsible runaway male teenage father hoons loose on the rampage is the way of nature. The streets of Walsall are proof of that.

Fag Piece of Crap

Dear Ed,

Recently I have been getting turned on while showering with the boys in my local rugby team. At first I thought it was nothing but now I am having frequent sexual fantasies about having orgies with the boys of Old Scrotonians RFC.

Am I sick?

Confused.

Dr Ed Bob Replies - Yes you are sick you limp wristed rectum lover. Just get out of my face now and hope that I don't find where you live.

Complete and Utter Mentalist

i can't cope annnymore. I'm going mad. I'm a student in my final year at uni. I'm going to fail my exams and my life is in a mess. MY Parents are expecting so much of me and my girlfriend has dumped me for my roommate. I think that the best thing may be to end it all.

Dr Ed Bob Replies - Good idea. Here's a few suggestions.

1.) Throw yourself under a bus. (Quick but messy)

2.) Cover yourself with celery while in a pit of flesh eating gerbils. (Fun but time consuming)

3.) Have sex with the famous he/she prostitute Edwin, in the Dutch sex bar Van-Der Dick, which will cause you to catch every sexual disease known to man simultaneously. (Fun but painful and expensive)

4.) Get a friend to beat yourself to death with a haddock. (This method doesn't actually work but it's a good laugh).

Have fun trying the different methods.

Funny Bloke with a Painful Problem

I have a really itchy willy. I tried following the advice of 'Beest in his lifestyle guide but my problem has still not gone away. My friends think I should see a doctor but I don't want to go 'cos I'm too embarrassed to show him or her my cock. It feels a little better every time I have a wash but the pain soon comes back and becomes more aggravated as the day goes on.

Please help I don't know what to do.

E. Morgan

Dr Ed Bob Replies - MUHAHAHA Heheheheh Ha Ha!! You really are a complete and utter loser. My advice is to stop tuggin' your tadger so much and screwing pit bull terriors isn't the safest way to avoid nob diseases. Perhaps you should use a cheese grater to scratch away at it a bit. Maybe if you dangled it in some boiling water for a bit you might relieve the pain?...how about just chopping it off?...I don't know, it's your ruddy dick mate do what you like to it.

That's it for this week turd heads. Send us some mail to [email protected] under the subject Dr Ed Bob if you think you have a problem I can solve. The boys will forward it on to me.

I'll be back soon but I've gotta lay low for a while, those pesky FEDS are on my case again.

[email protected]

(The Scopeboys would like it known that the advice and views shared by Dr Ed Bob are not approved, endorsed, or in anyway a reflection of our own. We would also like it known that these views are not meant to be taken as anything other than a joke and it's all done in the best possible taste).