It's Your Letters!

Here's the page where any e-mails you write will appear along with an official response from a fully trained Scope Knight.

SEND SOME LETTERS IN TO [email protected]

We'll answer any questions, respond to abuse, give advice, take advice and listen to suggestions scope related or not. If your letter doesn't appear or has been edited it will probably be due to it's unprintable nature SO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GET TOO GRAPHIC!

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Letter 37 - Hands Jobo is Grateful

As a sufferer of many willy diseases (my smegma is quite a sight) I was pleased to see “Beest” tried to do something about it in his latest lifestyle guide.

I opted to try the first method and even used “Beest's” dog (Jasper). To my amazement all my rashes have gone! Keep up the good work “Beest” although please let Jasper know it was just a 1 night stand and not to expect a phone call.

Cheers,

Hands Jobo

Cobra Replies - Many people read "Beest's Lifestyle Guide" and believe what they read to be nothing but a poor attempt at gross out student humour. Little do they realise that the wisdom he shares with them derives from the scriptures of our Scope Forefathers and are genuine guidelines and tips that have been passed down through generations had have been proven to work on every occasion they are adhered to. The Legend of the Scope 2 is a serious, factual website with a respected reputation. We don't just print any old rubbish that we or our readers send...wait that's wrong...well anyhow we're all grateful for the compliments Hands.

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Letter 38 - The Internet Addict

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, at least for a while.

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her:

"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware, but enough of that. Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut milk."

"It's not coconut milk," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?

You know...." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"You mean...," he replied, "I can check my E-mail from here?"

Cobra Replies - This funny not so little joke was submitted by new staff member Devious Beaver Boy (aka Suraj Kaniar). As opposed to much of the demented drivel found plastered on this site this is in marked contrast as it actually is funny. We hope that DBB keeps up this high quality of work for your sake more than ours.

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Letter 39 - I'm Sure There's a Cryptic Message in There Somewhere...

My name is Balls.

Cobra Replies - Hmmm...yes. We've heard from this mysterious Balls once before I believe. What can he be trying to tell us? What possible connection can he have to the Scopes? We're gonna have to keep alert 'cos I have a feeling this is not the last we'll hear of this mysterious character.

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Letter 40 - Funny but True Names of Places (surely not 2 funny mails in one update?!)

1. Shafter (California, USA)

2. Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)

3. Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

4. Bastard (Norway)

5. Twatt (Orkney, UK)

6. Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)

7. Muff (Northern Ireland)

8. Wankie (Zimbabwe)

9. Climax (Colorado, USA)

10. Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

11. Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

12. Fukum (Yemen)

13. Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)

14. Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

15. Turdo (Romania)

16. Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)

17. Seymen (Turkey)

18. Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

19. Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

20. Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)

21. Wanks River (Nicaragua)

22. Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)

23. Fuku (Shensi, China)

24. Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)

25. Fukui (Honshu, Japan)

26. Shag Island (Indian Ocean)

27. Fukue (Honshu, Japan)

28. Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)

29. Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)

30. Chinaman's Knob (Australia)

31. Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

32. Tittybong (Australia)

33. Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

34. Dikshit (India)

35. Wankener (India)

36. Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

37. Upper Penguin (Australia)

Cobra Replies - See, who says Geography isn't fun? Well me actually.

I would like to add my own contribution to the list. Once (this is a true story folks) my dad, me, Wolv, Water Vole, and my brother (I think, I can't remember) were lost in the car trying to find where the pitch for our our Saturday match was. Picking up the A-Z I looked across the page trying to find where we were. As I looked, I came across what I believed to be the funniest name of a road ever. In my excited state I shouted "Hey lads! There's a road here called Bell End Close!!" We all laughed (except for my dad who roasted me for some reason) but I suppose you had to be there.

Anyways, this letter was sent in by my good friend Al (or Fat Sal as he's sometimes known) at Leeds Uni. Keep lookin' out for stuff like this as I can't get enough of it.

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Letter 41 - Funny Little Jokes

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is: Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

Two Mexicans where walking along the street and one starts shouting: LONG LIVE THE MENSTRUATION and the other answers: “You stupid it is: LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION and the first ones answers: Who cares, both have blood shed.

DBB

Cobra Replies - DBB contributes his second post and remains funny. A new record for a staff member.

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Letter 42 - Liverpool's Bid for the Olympics

Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER

The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING

From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

SHOOTING

A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines. The targets are to be as follows:

1 - A Moving Police Van

2 - A Post Office Clerk

3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver

4 - Their next-door neighbours youngest child

NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.

BOXING

Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. To The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

RELAY

Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.

DISCUS

Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

GRAFFITI

To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling.

CLOSING CEREMONY

In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals. They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their motor'. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and pissing on it.

The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know'. No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.

Cobra Replies - Fat Sal with another classic. Although I'm a Liverpool fan I have to admit that this is still a quality letter.

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Letter 43 - Not Another Ron

Hi Scope boys I was enthralled to receive an E-mail reply from yourselves as I can appreciate that you have a high volume of slightly twisted Gary's visiting your site.

After speaking to one of the senior personnel within the company, Richard Black, I was encouraged that you may require certain column writers to keep the levels of twisted-ness to their already super quality levels. I think the qualities I have for this position are as follows:

1.) Whenever I go out I always feel it appropriate to wear my NAFF CO 54 jacket along with my Donnay tracksuit bottoms and my black Ascot trainers with florescent yellow laces.

2) I am a Freedom fighter in respect that I feel everyone should have the right to lick bus windows (inside or out) without general uneducated civilians casting funny looks.

I greatly hope that you take my ideas into account and would appreciate a rapid response to my application.

Yours respectfully,

Ronald

PS - The Legend of Scope rule, I'm now off to take samples of the horse sh*t that has just been posted to me by my good friend Simon.

Cobra Replies - You will have received your personal response by the time you see this letter on the site so I won't repeat myself here. We know have 2 resident Rons at TLOTS2 you and Ron RuckMonkey should meet up. I'm sure you'd get on just fine.

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Letter 44 - The Same Message Again. Is Someone Having a Laugh?

Name: Balls

Comments: Just having a look.

Cobra Replies - OK, I'm not sure whether it is Balls who keeps sending these repetitive strange notes via the letters form but if it's not I would like to know who this really is so please reveal yourself. If it is this unknown character named Balls he is obviously a higher life form than us Scopes and has decided to watch our every movement from afar.

That's your lot for now.

This letters update was much better than the previous few updates gone by. If you want to see this kind of quality more often there's only one way it's gonna happen. Remember...

Keep those letters coming in!