Beest's Lifestyle Guide

The Definitive Guide To Scope Life Today

"Listen carefully to the advice of the fabled Wildebeest for his wisdom is destined to lead the people of the universe to a golden age of beer, beer, kebab, football, beer, curry, sexual escapades, violence, more football and beer." (The Scope Bible, Book of Rectum - Chapter 5, Verse 8).

This is an ancient prophecy foretold by the 1st Order Scope Knights and founders of The Realm of Camel Hygiene. I just thought I'd show you what a better place the universe would be if we followed "beest's" lifestyle guide and the prophecy came true.

With that thought in mind here is Part 4 of the guide.

Cobra

The guide to playing with animals

After my last column it has come to my attention that I caught my willy diseases by playing with animals. Therefore I thought I would teach you amateurs how to have fun with animals.

The easiest animals to play with are sheep. This is because when one does one thing the others follow. To play with a sheep you will find it is best to always start by rubbing their balls. This puts them in a happy almost comatose state. You will then be able to do what you like to those cute little fluffy beasts. However you will have to be on the look out for the farmers as they will not be happy that their lovers are having fun and games without them.

Another fun animal to play with is the hippo. To enable yourself to get in with the crowd you will need to eat many kebabs (chilli on before the salad) and drink lots of Guinness. By doing this not only will you look rounded enough to be a hippo you will probably smell as rank as these adorable creatures and will be immediately accepted by them. Playing with the hippos is a good choice for those who want to be inconspicuous in their acts as most of the fondling is done under water.

A mole will make the perfect play mate for those who are of the more deformed state than the rest. Everybody knows that moles can't see very well and so those scopes of the rank variety will be well in here. Also they are surprisingly randy buggers and are normally up for anything once you have convinced them you are one of them. To do this is easy, just find a mole, and rub it under your armpits. Then follow the mating routine of sniffing the arse of the mole whilst rubbing your armpits in their face. They will believe you are one of them and let the games begin.

A fun but dangerous animal to play with is the rabbit. They are very hard to catch but once this feat is achieved you can get them to join your frolicking by making fart noises from under your armpit. However if you are up for more hardcore frolicking try making the fart noises on your arm (only to be used by hardcore rabbit playerwitherers). BEWARE, there are rabbits with SHARRRRP TEEEETH and if you accidentally try and play with one of these, you're buggered.

I think this should be enough animals for now, however one animal not to play with is the horse. There is no one in this world who can cope with the size of that dong.

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