Feature

LIVE REPORTS FROM THE

PIGEON HANDLING CHAMPIONSHIPS 2001

One of the major sporting events in the Scope calender is underway in Australia. To bring you unrivalled coverage of this momentous occasion The Legend of the Scope 2 sent Wildebeest and of course Wolverine (who is the trainer of Rank Andrew) to bring the latest up to date news of goings on. Updates will be added as they arrive and old reports will be kept at the bottom of the page for those who missed them when they broke. This promises to be a very exciting year and this is the ONLY place that you'll find exclusive dedicated coverage.

Happy pigeon watching,

Cobra.

(April 25th 2001)

Wolverine Reports from the 1st Week at the PHC

The Pigeon Handling Championships have been postponed for one week due to bad weather. Also many of the pigeons were abducted during the week. This was done as a joke by Mantel Piece Pigeon Health Inspectors.

I'm in Australia now a bit frustrated that we are having to wait until this storm passes over. However the pigeons are in great condition still, thanks mainly to Bruce the Goose.

We are eagerly awaiting the start of these Championships, but for now we must be patient. I personally have noticed many troubles within other teams. Many of the pigeons are attacking their owners, because of frustration. To keep my pigeons happy we paid £40 to get two female pigeons to keep the boys happy. These prostitutes will leave on Saturday, so we can build up to the start of the championships.

Wolv

(May 1st 2001)

Wildebeest Reports From the PHC 2001

Now that the championships have started I can formally announce that Keith the Phantom Pigeon is actually trained by me, Wildebeest. After last years experience working alongside the great pigeon handler, Wolverine, I felt I had enough knowledge to start up my own team. Ably assisted by my new friend Bot the Farting Beaver, we have assembled a crack training routine of Kebabs (chilli before the salad), Guinness and Raa Raa Rooing. Using this we hope to be able give Nick the Pigeon, Olegmipigeon, and of course Wolverine's own Rank Andrew a run for their money.

Have to go now as Keith needs another barrel of Guinness as he's just finished his Raa Raa Rooing.

Bye for now,

Wildebeest

(May 1st 2001)

Dear Friends and Scopes,

The atmosphere here at the pigeon championships is absolutely sizzling. Although the events don't start until tomorrow there has already been a surprise in the weigh in earlier today. Arriving at ten a clock there must have been about 600 hundred pigeon fans already accumulated in the main foyer of the clubhouse. There was excitement on every ones faces until, all of a sudden, out of nothing a fight erupted over at the weighing tables. Pushing my way through the interested on-lookers, I could not believe my eyes when there in the middle of this brawl was Wildebeest. Angry officials held him down and his assistant was having words with none other than Rolph Dog the Chairman of the Pigeon Championship.

After speaking to Wildebeest it became apparent that he had entered the competition. Explaining to me later he told me that Keith the Phantom Pigeon was 3 pounds over the legal weight, and therefore was not allowed to compete. The only way Wildebeest would be allowed to take part in the Championships would be if he entered his reserve pigeon, Mike The Booby Pigeon. Interesting name I thought.

Mike the Booby Pigeon just managed to be under the legal weight limit. Mike attracted a lot of attention not least because of his unconventional appearance.

Apart from all the hassle in the morning, the day has been brilliant. The weather is perfect and there are people everywhere. In the afternoon there was a big parade with many different floats representing each of the previous tournaments. In the early evening the pigeon championship flame was lit and the games were officially opened. This flame had started its journey over a year ago from Romania, and has been passed from pigeon to pigeon until Dart the Australian Pigeon opened the games tonight. It was a great honour seeing the Pigeon carrying the flame in his mouth and lighting the torch. The Championships are never really open until Rolph Dog makes his opening speech. This year he wished everyone good health, promised any pigeons caught in doping offences will be banned for 5 years and that this years championships will be the best.

Tomorrow, Rank Andrew, my pigeon is scheduled to dance at 10am, so wish us luck. We are really excited and are eager to get on the dance floor.

Wolverine

(May 2nd 2001)

Round 1 Dance Routine

Rank Andrew's performance today was one of immense quality. Everybody is now talking about him and what a threat he could be to that of Nick the Pigeon and Olegmipigeon. Rank Andrew displayed some new moves that had never been seen on the world stage before. People are now touting 'Rank' as the new 'Miss Universe'. I can't understand this but I'm taking it as a compliment.

The atmosphere in the dance arena was very tense, but the nerves disappeared from Rank as soon as he performed the “Rip not Ruffle” to perfection. This high-risk manoeuvre was followed by a gasp of amazement from the on looking spectators. Taking to flight, Rank shook his browny grey arse 3 times before landing on it and performing a commando roll, accompanied by a loud fart from his bum hole. This of course was in time with our chosen music 'Is your Mum a Prostitute?'

Wildebeest's pigeon only just scraped through the dance round with perhaps the most unorthodox style seen at the championships since Balwinkle the Pigeon in 1979. He explained later that his pigeon would not embarrass the team again because if he does, Wildebeest himself will eat him. However, he followed on from this by saying that his pigeon will be a lot stronger in the next rounds.

With 'Rank Andrew' winning the dance round, he will be last to take flight in the shooting round. Olegmipigeon put in typically fine performance to finish 2nd, where as Nick had a bad fall during his routine to finish 15th.

With Olegmipigeon still firm favourite to win this years championships, its still not a certain result as there have been some impressive performances from younger pigeons such as the Indian Pigeon 'Madarashna'.

Later today we have the 15 m swim. The report for this event will come as soon as possible.

Wolv

OLD REPORTS

Dear friends and Scopes,

With the Pigeon Handling Championships only one-week away, starting on Wednesday 25th April, it brings me here to inform readers that I will be writing regular updates of the happenings during these Championships.

This is the 35 Annual Championship and it is being held in Australia, Melwalkee. The current world champion is a pigeon from Greece named 'Nick', however the favourite for this years competition is Olegmipigeon a real brute of a bird that has made the step up from dog fighting. Even though Olegmipigeon possesses by far the most power out of any bird competing there are doubts over his technique.

Over the last couple of months Bruce the Goose, my assistant, and myself have been preparing 'Rank Andrew' and Hamish for the championship. Bruce has been a real help and has a completely different approach to that of my previous assistant Wildebeest. Unlike Wildebeest, Bruce has been feeding the pigeons healthy food and exercising them for about 6 hours each day. Wildebeest feed them unhealthy fatty foods and alcoholic beverages. This year the pigeons are extremely nervous even though they are in excellent condition. Perhaps Bruce does not have Wildebeest's motivational skills.

Anyway, we'll be flying out to Australia on Saturday and we would like to thank everyone for all the help they have given us up until now. I think we can do well as long as we avoid Olegmipigeon until the peck outs.

Wolverine

The 32 Pigeons and their teams:

1. Rank Andrew - Team Wolv

2. Sickminded Pigeon - Gup Bk

3. Bert - Team X

4. Olegmipigeon - Russian Pact

5. Simon - Copperfield

6. S**t Pigeon - Bill Board

7. PC Pigeon - Lancashire Police

8. F**king Pigeon - Vernon

9. Verbal Abuse - The Boys

10. Nick the Pigeon - Greece God (Current Champion)

11. Perverted Pigeon - Cavier Fra

12. Sexual Joshua - Dikes

13. Bird Keak - Welsh Dragon

14. Jaz the Pigeon Wonder - Goat Wonder

15. Racing Pigeon - French Alliance#

16. Ridged Pigeon - Bell View

17. Cock Monster - Lenny the Badger Boy

18. Randy - U.S.M

19. Rash Pigeon - Upstagees

20. Keith the Phantom Pigeon - (unknown)

21. Madarashna - India id

22. Experienced Bird - (unknown)

23. Rank Monkey Pigeon - Tim Bollocks

24. Herve the Aggressor - (unknown)

25. SuperBatPigeon - Donkey Brothers

26. Petrie - Land Before Time

27. Woody - (unkown)

28. Remote Control Pigeon - (unknown)

29. The Bird in front is a Pigeon - Nissan

30. Owen - (unknown)

31. Gay Boy - Julius Salinas

32. Religious John - (unknown)

(The Original Letter/Article that appeared on the site)

The PA Pigeon Handling Awards 2001

Dear Wolverine,

You have been invited to take part in this years Pigeon Handling Championships 2001.

This year you will be asked to get your pigeon to dance to a personally chosen piece of music.

Also there will be a round in which you and the other competitors pigeons will be released in to the sky. You will be given a revolver and your job is to shoot at the other competitors pigeons. After 10 minutes of shooting the remaining pigeons will be asked to swim 15m.

The eight pigeons with the highest score will go through to a peck out. Your pigeon, if it makes it through to this round, will be paired off to have a pecking match until there is a winner. There will then be semi-finals and then the final peck out. No blades are allowed to be tied to your pigeon during these peck outs.

Rolph Dog

(Chairman of the Pigeonothon Association)

Dear Scopes,

Many of you know I am a pigeon handler, and I'm very surprised to be allowed to take part in these championships as I've been banned for the last couple of years (for those of you who don't know, Wildebeest tied a blade to my pigeon's mouth in the 1996 championships, killing all the pigeons in the peck out).

Anyway this year I will be taking 'Rank Andrew' my toughest pigeon and his brother 'Hamish' as my reserve. Wish me well.

I'm also on the look out for an assistant trainer, so if anyone is interested please write in to [email protected].

Wolverine

So far Wolv' has had only 1 reply this is it...

Dear Wolverine,

My name is Bruce the Goose, this is just a reply to your assistant pigeon handler vacancy.

I am 32 years of age with a long family pigeon handling tradition. My dad, Rank (rugger) Goose was the European champion in 1978. You may have heard of him. I entered the 1996 Pigeon Handling Championships with the families' favourite pigeon, Pablo, and we got to the 1st round of the peck out. Unfortunately he was killed in this round by a Brown Pigeon who's owner I cannot recall. In the last few seasons I have been part of Ron RuckMonkey's team who last year folded because someone broke into Ron's pigeon house and robbed his top two birds.

I think I have the skills you are looking for and I would be happy to take a look at your pigeons.

Bruce the Goose

mailto:[email protected]