Angels Funnies Page 2

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*welcome to part 2 as you know i love a good joke and i like to at least put a smile on someones face if you wish to have a good laugh please be 17 an older since some jokes are R rated have fun!!!Also if you are looking for some naughtier toons contact me and I will trade if you are over 18 and i get to know you. This page is to have fun, laugh a little and smile if you are offended by jokes that are a little dirty dont read it but remember most jokes do teach a lesson.

Thinking Positive!!

KITCHEN SLOGANS

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
If we are what we eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Housework done properly can kill you.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

Dr Mellows Guide to Women
Women, by nature, are evil. It is only when we understand this simple concept that men can ever hope to understand women. Hopefully, with these guidelines, men will have a better understanding of the mysterious ways of womankind.The first thing one must remember about a woman is that she knows everything. This is without exception. To go as far as say that a woman knows what you are thinking is not unrealistic. If, at any point of time, you are unsure of what you are thinking, one of the best ways to find out is to ask the nearest woman.
But, unfortunately, there is a drawback to asking a woman such a question. This drawback is that she, in all probability, will answer. And once a woman starts talking, it is very rare that she will ever stop. I believe this has something to do with the way that women think. Women believe that as long as they are talking, people listen to her. Of course, listening to a woman talk can be very tedious at times. It is OK not to listen to her as long as you nod your head in agreement and say Uh-huh every now and then. This makes the woman think you are listening and therefore she is happy.
Happiness is a good thing in a woman. If a woman is not happy, all hell breaks loose. In order to help a woman keep a state of happiness, one should buy her gifts for various reasons. These reasons include the 1 month anniversary, the 1 year anniversary, Presidents Day, and any day whose date is a multiple of one. These gifts could be in the conventional form of flowers and candy, or for greater happiness, cars and real estate.
Often, when a woman says something, it is not what she means. But, other times, she says exactly what she means. It is only possible to distinguish these two cases if you are a woman. Since women already know the nature of women, this is of no use to them. For men, we can only hope to distinguish the difference, for a mistake in judgement can result in death.
Women know what men want. This is very strange, because even as sometimes men dont know what they are thinking, men usually dont know what they want. However, I must observe that it seems that what men want for the most part is women. This is unfortunate, for women know this fact and know that it is possible for them to do almost anything and this fact will not change.
Women have a very delicate nature. It is virtually impossible to keep one happy all of the time. It is totally impossible to know what one is thinking or feeling. And it is also impossible for us men, knowing how evil they are, not to love them.

Jock VS Nerd:))
The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?": Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?

Honk if you Love the Lord!!!
The other day I went into the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a light in a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of the Lord and didn't notice that the light had changed. The bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus Christ" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting "Go, Jesus, Go!"
Everyone started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there somewhere because I could hear him yelling something about a "sunny beach" and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind me, a very nice large man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord!
A couple of people were so caught up in the jof the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there and leaned way out of the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!!

"Country Doctor"

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Women's Tshirt Sayings
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody, and you're next. Please don't make me kill you. And your point is... I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. You KNOW you want me. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time... Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. This one is Ladies' personal favorite: You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions? Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. All stressed out and no one to choke. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

WARNING READ THE LABEL
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. The are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's "just" a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on the bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As apposed to use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief!)

Russian Vodka
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's:

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks 19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off. 18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents. 17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. 16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical. 14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more. 11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits. 10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work. 9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. 8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors. 4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. 3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. The #1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
*You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person*

2 Clinton Jokes
1.President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited one of the classes (4th grade I believe), they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy!"
"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
2.Bill Clinton died and went to Heaven - or to be more accurate,he approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "Tis I,your lordship.President Bill Clinton." "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton. Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, (1.) I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. (2.) I guess I had extramarital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have sexual relations. (3.) And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it Hell. You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it eternity. And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

~~~~~Top 10 Make-Out Places~~~~~
* 1. In your bedroom (ya never know what'll happen next?)
* 2. Under the boardwalk (sand in your pants, hell take each others' off!) * 3. In his/her car (make a little fog on the windows) * 4. On a star lit walk (look for Orion's belt as you undo his) * 5. On a cruise ship (who goes on a cruise at this age w/ his/her partner?) * 6. In your pool at home (did someone say "skinny dipping"?) * 7. On a comfy couch ( I don't know what to say about a couch? SORRY!) * 8. While watching a scary movie at home (just pretend you're scared just to cuddle) * 9. On a ferris wheel (what if you're afraid of heights?) * 10.During a picnic that got ruined by the rain (Did someone say "Mud Wrestling"?)
~~~~~Top 10 Places NOT to Make-Out~~~~~
* 1. During the movies (hell, whose gonna see, it's dark?)
* 2. Playing spin the bottle (too childish) * 3.In front of your friends (?) (why not show off your skills)
* 4. At a bowling alley (who goes bowling?)
* 5. In your parents bed (eeewwweee just imagine what goes on in there!) * 6. In your parents' car, while they're in it (you'll never see that boy/girl again) * 7. On the floor somewhere (don't they have a mop for that?) * 8. In your basement (uummm.....do ya really wanna know what's down there?) * 9. In a trunk (how could 2 people fit in a trunk, much less move around?) *10. In a closet during 7 min. in heaven (yeah who could make out for just 7 minutes?) ~~~Top 3 Things To Say Before Making-Out~~~
* 1. I love you, but only if you mean it (yeah aren't we a little young for that language?)
* 2. Do you love me? (what if the other person says NO!? what do ya do then?) * 3. Kiss me and prove it (well they're already gonna kiss ya, so don't be demanding)
~~Top 3 Things NOT to Say When You're Done Making-Out~~
* 1. Who taught you how to kiss, your grandmother? (if ya really knew ya wouldn't be making out w/ your boy/girl friend)
* 2. I've had better (well.....if ya have where'd it go?) * 3. Did you just eat an onion? (maybe.....I could cough it up if ya really wanna know)

Dr Slick (In the form of Dr. Suess)
I did not do it in a car----- I did not do it in a bar----- I did not do it in the dark----- I did not do it in the park----- I did not do it on a date----- I did not ever fornicate----- I did not do it at a dance----- I did not do it in her pants----- I did not get beyond first base----- I did not do it in her face----- I never did it in a bed----- If you think that, you've been misled----- I did not do it with a groan----- I did not do it on the phone----- I did not cause her dress to stain----- I never boinked Saddam Hussein----- I did not do it with a whip----- I never fondled Linda Tripp I never acted really silly----- With volunteers like Kathleen Willey----- There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher----- I chased her 'round, but could not catch her----- No kinky stuff, not on your life----- I wouldn't, even with my wife----- And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes----- Was paid for by my right-wing foes----- And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers----- Are just a bunch of party poopers----- I did not ask my friends to lie----- I did not hang them out to dry----- I did not do it last November----- But if I did, I don't remember----- I did not do it in the hall----- I could have, but I don't recall I never did it in my study I never did it with my dog, Buddy I never did it to Sox, the cat I might have-once-with Arafat----- I never did it in a hurry----- I never groped Ms. Betty Currie----- There was no sex at Arlington----- There was no sex on Air Force One----- I might have copped a little feel----- And then endeavored to conceal----- But never did these things so lewd----- At least, not ever in the nude----- These things to which I have confessed----- They do not count, if we stayed dressed----- It never happened with cigar----- I never dated Mrs. Starr----- I did not know this little sin----- Would be retold on CNN----- I broke some rules my Mama taught me----- I tried to hide, but now you've caught me----- But I implore, I do beseech----- Do not condemn, do not impeach----- I might have got a little tail----- But never, never did inhale.-----

Chinese Ebonics
Are you harboring a Fugitive? = HU YU HAI DING?
Approach me = KUM HIA Stupid fellow = DUM GAI Small horse =TAI NI PO NI Prices are too high here =NO BAI DAM TING Miami vacationing agreed with you = YA MAI TI TAN I bumped into a coffee table = AI BANG MAI NI Have you considered a face lift? = CHIN TU FAT You trying to save electricity? = WAI SO DIM? Inquiry to determine if bus is due =HAO LONG WEI TING? Unauthorized execution =LIN CHING Plaything belonging to ancient emperor =MING TOY You're blowing your diet =WAI YU MUN CHING? Keep out of pond =NOH WEI DING Tow-Away zone =NO PAH KING Don't you know anything by Cole Porter?=WAI YU SING DUM SONG? You are not very bright =YU SO DUM I have a press pass =AI NO PEI! I do not deserve the death penalty =WAI HANG MI? How about staying awhile? =WAI GO NAO? Our meeting was for next Thursday =WAI YU KUM NAO? You're suffering from chronic halitosis=YU BAI SEN SEN NAO Remain out of sight = LEI LO Cleaning automobile =WA SHING KAH Premature infant =TAI NI BEI BI Cigarettes are hazardous to health = NO TSMO KING Did someone fertilize the field? =HU FLUNG DUNG? Your body odor is offensive =SHU MAN GO Midnight television Program =LEI TSHO

NEW MONEY CURRENCY

Subject: How to Impress . . .
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her
cuddle her kiss her caress her love her stroke her tease her comfort her protect her hug her hold her spend money on her dine her buy things for her listen to her care for her stand by her support her go to the ends of the earth for her HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked Bring Beer

Another blonde! A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your fucking act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

BRIGHT WOMEN
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong 3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner 4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner 5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman 6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck 7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing 'em. -Sue Grafton 8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr 9. I think, therefore, I'm single. -Liz Winstead 10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler 11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson 12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner 13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher 14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem 15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Gloria Steinhem 16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli 17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill 18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee 19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor Send this to five bright women you know and make their day!!!

Husband's checkup

"You're going to die," she replied.

Paid In Full
A little boy came up to his mother in the kitchen one evening while shewas fixing supper, and he handed her a piece of paper that he had been writing on. After his mom dried her hands on an apron, she read it, and this is what it said:
For cutting the grass: $5.00 For cleaning up my room this week: $1.00 For going to the store for you: .50 Baby-sitting my kid brother while you went shopping: .25 Taking out the garbage: $1.00 For getting a good report card: $5.00 For cleaning up and raking the yard: $2.00 Total owed: $14.75 Well, his mother looked at him standing there, and the boy could see the memories flashing through her mind. She picked up the pen, turned over the paper he'd written on, and this is what she wrote: For the nine months I carried you while you were growing inside me: No Charge. For all the nights that I've sat up with you, doctored and prayed for you: No Charge. For all the trying times, and all the tears that you've caused through the years: No Charge. For all the nights that were filled with dread, and for the worries I knew were ahead: No Charge. For the toys, food, clothes, and even wiping your nose: No Charge, Son. When you add it up, the cost of my love is: No Charge. When the boy finished reading what his mother had written, there were big tears in his eyes, and he looked straight up at his mother and said, "Mom, I sure do love you." And then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote: "PAID IN FULL".
Author Unknown Submitted by Shelley
Does this story remind you of your mom?

What day is it anyways?
A business man got on an elevator in a buildingWhen he entered the elevator, there was a blonde al ready inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F. He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T".She looked at him puzzled and said "T-G-I-F" again.He acknowledge her remark again answering "S-H-I-T". The blonde was trying to be friendly,so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical espression "S-H-I-T"The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said "T-G-I-F", Thank goodness its Friday, got it. The man answered "S-H-I-T", Sorry Honey its Thursday.

Washing Machine
This young couple was about to get married and the night before their wedding day they had a talk. They decided that the one thing that they never wanted to have a problem with was initiating sex in their marriage. To solve that problem they decided to come up with a "code word" to help break the ice when asking for sex. While they were trying to think of a word the washing machine went off balance and the husband says, "I have an idea, why not use 'washing machine' as the code word?" So washing machine it was...
A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed and she was reading and he was watching TV. The husband rolls over and says, "Honey, Washing machine?", and she replies, "Honey, not tonight, I've got a huge headache, I promise we'll do it tomorrow night!" So he say's, "Alright that's fine, We'll do it tomorrow." They roll to their respective side of the bed and go to sleep. However, the wife can't sleep because she's thinking, gosh we've only been married 1 year so we're still practically newlyweds maybe I should indulge him. She rolls over to her husband and whispers, "Honey, are you still awake??", and he replies, "Yeah, what do you want?". She says, "Washing Machine?!?!?!?" and he replies, "Forget about it. It was a small load, I did it by hand."

MEN

1) How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. 2) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 3) Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much," a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers. 4) Why do men like smart women? Opposite attracts 5) Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties 6) Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. 7) How are men like commercials? You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds. 8) How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three...one to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove. 9) Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can understand them too 10) What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging 11) How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know...it's never happened. 12) Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions 13) What is a man's idea of safe sex? A padded head board

HOCKEY:
In Chicago, two boys are playing hockey on a pond in Grant Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young BlackHawks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a BlackHawks fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Wolves Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook."I'm not a Wolves fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the BlackHawks or Wolves. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Red Wings fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,"Little Bastard from Detroit Kills Beloved Family Pet."

ChipMunk Hunting
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck,I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

A Dog Called
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?
- Mypenis ate my homework. - Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth! - Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis. - I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash. - Mypenis doesn't come when I call it. - Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. - I love giving Mypenis a bath. - At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands. - Mypenis likes it when people pet him. - Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds! - Playing with Mypenis really wears me out. - Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis? - Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already jumpy. - I think Mypenis has a mind of its own. - I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet. - Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction - I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead. - Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door. - If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry. - Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys. - Help! I can't find Mypenis! - Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis. - Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes. - Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital. - Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!

BEER Troubleshooting:
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself tied to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him/her. SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. SYMPTOM: Your crotch area is unusually cold. FAULT: You have left pants undone from previous trip to restroom. ACTION: Accuse anyone within earshot of attempting to "cop-a-feel"!

Yo Momma Jokes

Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up. Yo mama's so fat her nickname is "DAM". Yo mama's so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama's so fat we're in her right now. Yo mama's so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo mama's so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her. Yo mama's so fat she was in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new world. Yo mama's so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo mama's so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo mama's so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo mama's so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Yo mama's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Yo mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Yo mama's so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Yo mama's so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo mama's so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama's so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo mama's so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo mama's so fat she's got her own area code! Yo mama's so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo mama's so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo mama's so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo mama's so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo mama's so fat I had to take a train to get on her good side! Yo mama's so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo mama's so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo mama's so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! Yo mama's so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo mama's so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo mama's so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo mama's so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo mama's so fat that her senior picture had to be arial view! Yo mama's so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo mama's so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo mama's so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! Yo mama's so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo mama's so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo mama's so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo mama's so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo mama's so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo mama's so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo mama's so fat when she back up she beep. Yo mama's so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo mama's so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up. Yo mama's so fat she influences the tides. Yo mama's so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo mama's so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo mama's so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo mama's so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her Yo mama's so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo mama's so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through Yo mama's so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo mama's so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo mama's so fat when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo mama's so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures Yo mama's so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo mama's so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her Yo mama's so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall! Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat butt out of the way. Yo mama's so fat at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.

THE CROSS ROOM
The young man was at the end of his rope.
Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. "Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy a cross to bear."
The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that door and pick out any cross you wish."
The man was filled with relief. "Thank you, Lord," he sighed, and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered.
And the Lord replied, "My son, that is the cross you just brought in."
Your Cross

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, There will always be sunshine after the rain. Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall, But God's always ready to answer your call. He knows every headache, sees every tear, A word from His lips can calm every fear. Your sorrows may linger throughout the night, But suddenly vanish as dawn's early light. The Savior is waiting somewhere above, To give you His grace and send you His love. Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, God always sends rainbows after the rain.

5 Kinds of Sex
1) The first kind is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and you screw each other in front of everyone in the courtroom.

STATISTICS TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND During the past year I have tried to make loveto you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND, think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking bout the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Condom Joke Miss Bea was in her 80s and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise! Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this", pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied. "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Fairy God Mother: An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch. She is reflecting on her long life, when -all of a sudden - a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I've always wanted to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young,beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"And your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" sheasks.
*** POOF*** There before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and leans over close to her. And then he whispers in her ear:
"NOW I bet you're sorry you had me neutered..."

DAFFYNITIONS
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. HOUSEWIFE JOKE
A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machine suddenly broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and said, "Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine? It doesn't work." The angry husband replied, "What do I look like? The Maytag man?" and hung up.
The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to complete her washing. She got in the car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn't start. She again called her husband at work and said, "Honey, I tried to go to the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn't start. Can you come home and take a look at it?" Again, the angry husband snaps, "What do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?" and hung up.
She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes outside and takes a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned and said, "Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little dirty." The lady said, "Wow, you're a pretty handy guy! How much will this all cost?" The Maytag man says, "I'll tell ya what, lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex with me - your choice."
Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car.
The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied "He wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex." The husband then said "Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?"
The lady said, "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

Answering Machines
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers:
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering achine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine; this is a telepathic, thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Hello. If you want to press "1," then do so now. If you want to leave a message, then do so after the beep.
And here is a personal favorite that seems to work well with my family:

If your calling for a money, I am not a Bank. If your calling for a ride, I am not a Taxi Service, and contrary to popular belief The Car does not run on Air, And Gas is not free. So neither are the rides As a matter of fact If you are calling for any types of favors, You have reached a wrong number Beeeeeeeeeppppppppp!!!!!

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind 8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers. 11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month. 16) Good chocolate is easy to find. 17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said: "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered." So she was walking through the forest when she came across the threem little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off." So she pulled out the shotgun and said "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"
As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said:"You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to lift up your little reddress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off." So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties,lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said "NO I don't think so! You're going to eat me like the book says."

CRIMINAL DARWIN AWARDS..........
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
3 more from San Francisco: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happed to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
Colorado Springs: Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrestedthe robber two hours later.
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold? "My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR.. ."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me ABOUT SEX..." How do you think you got here?" My mother taught me about GENETICS..." You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS..." Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home." And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

MALE HOUSECLEANING
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.
1). Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one.
2). Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop ? Scratch two. 3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three. This is easy, what's the fuss. Think I'll go on the computer for a while. 4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four. 5). Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow. 6). Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six. This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for the computer 7). Vacuum the carpets...... That's a hard one....... Hey kids wanna have some more FUN. Scratch seven. 8). Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too ? YESSSS Scratch eight !! 9). Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine. Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs 10). Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm on the computer. Scratch ten. 11). Fold laundry..... dang Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven. 12) Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me. Scratch twelve. This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work??? 13). Water the Christmas tree... Oppp's good thing the carpet is absorbent. Scratch thirteen. 14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper....... These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth.... Scratch fourteen. 15). Pick up the kids ...... Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back. Scratch fifteen. Wonder who's on the computer. I have plenty of time. 16). Make dinner..... Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow". Scratch sixteen. 17). Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done. Scratch seventeen. WOW all done. Still time for some more puter & a nap.......
Man this is sooooo easy. Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working. Wish I was a chick !

Important phrases men say and what they really mean.

"I'M GOING FISHING." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN." Really means..."I have no idea how it works. "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Really means...."Are you still talking?" YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Really means...."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admitI'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

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