*as you know i love a good joke and i like to at least put a smile on someones face if you wish to have a good laugh please be 17 an older since some jokes are R rated have fun!!!If your looking for more naughtier toons contact me and we will trade if you are over 18. If you are offended by graphic jokes then dont read this its all about fun not to hurt anyone so have fun and smile.
PlayTime at the loony bin!!
~~THOUGHT FOR THE DAY~~
2. (Motion for girl to come here with one finger), "If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!" 3. Nice shoes, wanna fuck? 4. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? 5. Fuck me if I'm wrong....but haven't we met before? 6. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I? 7. I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs. 8. Are those real? 9. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I sure can make your bed rock. 10. (Offer guy/girl a screw) wanna screw? 11. Ya know, that shirt is very becoming on you......of course, if I was on you, I'd be cumming too. 12. The word of the day is LEGS, so let's go to my house and spread the word. 13. The only place I want to go is south of the border. 14. Hey you want to know what I heard about you? Fuck me and I'll tell you. 15. Why don't you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I'll multiply. 16. What's a nice girl like you doing on a face like this? 17. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it? 18. Mmmmmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible" 19. So, do you want to see something really swell? 20. Excuse me but is your last name "Gillette"......cause you are the best a man can get! 21. Hey baby.....can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose? 22. My shirt's chaffing me..... 23. Excuse me miss, do you give head to strangers? (No) Well, then, allow me to introduce myself. 24. They call me Milk, because I do your body good. 25. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? 26. Hey baby, wanna wrestle. 27. Hi, do you want to have children? (assuming the answer is no) Ok then, can we just practice? 28. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. 29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? 30. They say the best things in life are free.... they lied (but I do accept American Express) 31. This Valentines Day, I really want you to know how I feel.....So you better use both hands. 32. You can feel the magic between us......No, lower! 33. You're on my mind this Valentine's Day.....I'd prefer you on my bed. 34. This Valentine's Day I want you to know that I'm head-over-heels for you....and I know some other positions too. 35. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. 36. You have 250 bones in your body, want another? 37. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public. 38. Hey baby, can I tickle your belly from the inside? 39. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me. 40. Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya. 41. Yo baby, I bust more nuts than a squirrel. Monkey Joke A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A MONKEY ON HIS SHOULDER, HE PUTS THE MONKEY DOWN AND ORDERS A DRINK. THE MONKEY WALKS OVER TO THIS BOWL OF PEAUNTS AND DOWNS THE WHOLE THING. SO THE GUY SAYS TO THE BARTENDER "SO ABOUT THAT HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU" HE SAYS NOTHING DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. SO THEN THE MONKEY WALKS OVER TO THIS BOWL OF CHEERIES AND DOWNS THE WHOLE THING. "NO COME ON YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT " THE BARTENDER SAYS. SO THE MAN PAYS AND FINISHS HIS DRINK. SO THEN THE MONKEY WALKS OVER TO THE POOL TABLE AND WATCHS THE PEOPLE PLAYING POL AND WHEN THE CUE BALL COMES DOWN HE GRABS IT AND DOWNS THAT TWO. "HOLY SHIT NOW YOUR REALLY GONNA HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT" "HOW MUCH" THE GUY SAYS "50 BUCKS" SO HE PAYS AND THEN LEAVES. SO THE NEXT WEEK THE SAME GUY IS BACK WITH THE SAME FREAKIN MONKEY. sO HE PUTS IT ON THE BAR AND THE MONKEY WALKS OVER TO A BOWL OF CHEERIES AND SHOVES THEM UP HIS ASS AND THEN STICKS THEM IN HIS MOUTH. "THATS THE SICKIST FUCKING THING I'VE EVERE SEEN WHY THE HELL DID HE DO THAT" THE BARTENDER ASKED. "WELL AFTER THE CUE BALL HE HAS TO TEST EVERYTHING FIRST"
Rodeo Position Joke Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says, "My favorite position is the 'rodeo' position." "What is the 'rodeo' position, and how do you do that?"asks the second man. The first guy explains, "Well, first you tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours, and then you do it doggy- style. Once things start to get underway, and she's really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position too...' Then, try to hang on for 8 seconds." How Would you like to be an Egg? If you think life is bad...How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up...Your life ain't that bad! Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay today! Only in America....
Top 10 McDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac: 10. We were test marketing the new "McTrojan". 9. Condom, Condiment - what's the damn difference. 8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe. 7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake. 6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true. 5. We're experimenting with a new even happier Happy Meal. 4. So what - a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway. 3. Employees too embarrassed to say "Would you like condoms with that". 2. Drive through speaker broken - "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "Prophylactic device". And the 1 McDonald's excuse for the condom in the Big Mac: 1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.
You Are Valuable!
A well known speaker started
off his seminar by
holding up a $20 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked,
"Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to
one of you but first, let me
do this." He proceeded to
crumple the dollar bill up.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?
" Still the hands were
up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground
and started to grind it into the floor
with his shoe. He picked it up,
now all crumpled and dirty.
"Now who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a
very valuable lesson. No matter
what I did to the money,
you still wanted it because
it did not decrease
in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are
dropped, crumpled, and ground into
the dirt by the decisions we make and the
circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened
or what will happen, you will never
lose your value in God's eyes.
To Him, dirty or clean, crumpled or finely
creased, you are still priceless to Him.
Psalm 17:8 states that God will keep us,
"as the apple of His eye."
Small Time Jokes
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered round a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems, so she wanted them to work on it while she was still there. She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!". The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all f*cked up?!".
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
Why do black people hate Garth Brooks?
Because he sucks.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
Did you hear they came out with a new Selena doll?
Ken and Barbie needed a maid.
Definition of a nice Greek Boy:
A Greek boy who takes a girl out twice before screwing her brother.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?
NONE! He fell!
Do you know how West Virginians practice safe sex?
They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Seen on the back of a Harley-Davidson Tee Shirt:
"If you can read this, my bitch fell off."
What do you call kids born in Whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
Did you hear about the Polish gay guy?
He sleeps with women.
"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender.
How do you change a woman's mind?
Buy her another beer.
What does an atheist say when she's having an orgasm?
"Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"
-----------------------------------------------
The mother apologized to her unexpected guest for serving the apple pie without cheese. Her son slipped quietly away from the table for a moment, then returned with a small piece of cheese, which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled thankfully at the lad, and putting the cheese in his mouth, remarked, "You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find it?"
The boy replied with a flush of pride, "In the mousetrap."
Gross pay: $1222.02
Income Tax= 244.40 Outgo Tax=45.21 State Tax=61.10 Interstate Tax=5.89
County Tax=6.11 City Tax=12.22 Rural Tax=4.44 BackTax= 1.11
Front Tax=1.16 Side Tax=1.61 Up Tax=2.22 Down Tax= 1.11 Tic-Tacs=1.98 Thumbtacks=3.93 Carpet Tacks=0.98 Stadium Tax=0.69 Flat Tax= 8.32 Surtax= 3.46 Ma'am Tax=2.60 Parking Fee=5.00 No Parking Fee=10.00 F.i.c.a.=81.88 T.g.i.f.=9.95 Life Ins.=5.85 Health Ins.=16.23 Disability= 2.50 Ability= 0.25 Liability Ins.= 3.41
Dental Ins.=4.50 Mental Ins.=4.33 Reassurance.=0.11 Coffee=6.85
Coffee Cups=66.51 calendar=3.06 Floor Rental= 16.85 Chair Rental=4.32 Desk Rental=4.32 Union Dues=5.85 Union Dont's=3.77 Cash Advances=0.69 Cash Retreats=121.35 Overtime=1.26 Undertime=54.83 Eastern Time=9.00
Central Time=8.00 Mountain Time=7.00 Pacific Time=6.00 GMT=24.00
Bathroom Time=4.44 Time Out= 12.21 Oxygen=10.02 Water=16.54
Electricity=38.23 Heat=51.42 Air Conditioning=46.83 Misc=144.38
Take Home Pay: $0000.02 haha:)
T-shirts......
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Axe me about Ebonics Boldly going nowhere
Cat: The other white meat
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde
Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Sounds scandalous doesn't it? A meal named for Benedict
Arnold, a famous American traitor. What's next? Judas pie?
Brutus burgers?
Don't worry. The future of democracy is safe. Eggs Benedict
wasn't named after Benedict Arnold. It was named for some
other Benedict. No one's sure which Benedict exactly, but
many believe it was the wealthy Samuel Benedict who
inspired the dish in 1894 while trying to cure his aching
hangover.
Whether or not Samuel was the real Benedict, one thing's
for sure. It wasn't Benedict Arnold. He died 100 years
before the dish's introduction.
At school a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."
She was soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army..
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She tried to drown a fish.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
concentrate.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put
Sagittarius.
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
It takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".
She studied for a blood test-and failed.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money!
When she saw the "NC-17 under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
3 Jokes question: whats the hardest part about eating a vegtable? Answer: : the wheel chair question: 2 fags are going at it which one goes to heaven the one on top or the one on the bottom? Answer: the one on the bottom because his shit is already packed question:why did the avon lady walk funny?Answer: Because her lipstick!!! Dear Dr. Dover: I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning? A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant. A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy...but the wife got pregnant yet again. Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again. I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw. The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead. Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her. You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing. Yours sincerely, Bubba Brickhead Now heres an introduction to Blondes!!!!!
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
. . . She fell out of the tree.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
. . . The cow stepped on her.
How did the blonde burn her nose?
. . . Bobbing for French fries.
Why do blondes have more fun?
. . . They are easier to amuse.
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.
What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?
. . . The back of her head.
What do you call 4 blondes in a Volkswagen?
. . . Far-from-thinkin'.
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
. . . They keep breaking them with the hammer.
Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
. . . She missed.
What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?
. . . Data transfer.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
. . . "I wonder if it's mine?"
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
. . . It takes too long to retrain them.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them
ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," said the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about a sexa?
I'mma justa tellun my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
CHECK YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:
LEWINSKY VIRUS
sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS-
quits after one byte
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS-
your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb and then slowly expands to
200mb.
DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS-
deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS-
you can no longer insert disks into your computer
TITANIC VIRUS-
your whole computer goes down.
DISNEY VIRUS-
everything in your computer goes goofy
PROZAC VIRUS-
screws up your ram, but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS-
only attacks minor files
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS-
terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS-
turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.
VIAGRA VIRUS-
turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive
Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He
reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells Jack, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem." She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and closes the door behind her.
With the eagerness of a young teenager he quickly undresses. Once
naked, Jack wastes no time and starts to fuck the chicken. As soon as Jack develops a rhythm he starts toenjoy himself a great deal. He and the chicken really go at it for a while until all that
built up frustration is finally released. Jack can't remember when
he has had such a pleasurable experience.
One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a
>>satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have a special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show, Jack", the madam tells Jack.
Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of
benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the otherside of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to eachother. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says,"this is a pretty good show for ten bucks, eh?!" The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing.....last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken."
That will leave me with no DOUGH..... Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
SANTA CLAUSE: An Engineer's Perspective
I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in
the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmasnight to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child,
Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out,
jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining
presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him,
get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the
next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly
distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false,
but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now
talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million
miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's
sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed
of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle,
the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second,
and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized
Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand
tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer
can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying"
reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be
done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000
of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the
sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of
the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air
resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short,they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entirereindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering
blob of pink goo.
V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
A third grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with rest. Their insight may surprise you. A miss is as good as a ...............Mr. Where there's smoke there's...........pollution. 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" Shit
SHIT
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
CONSIDER THIS:
You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck,or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola or apple butter.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bullshit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
(__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_._) a flat ass (_^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a sore ass (_!__) a lop-sided ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_O_) an ass that's been around even more (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_o^o_) a wise ass (_E=3Dmc2_) a smart ass (_13_) an unlucky ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass Religious Joke A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
Left-hand turns at traffic signals are to be made as soon as your signal turns from yellow to red. Up to three cars may turn on a "Buffalo left."
In Amherst, the most expensive vehicle always has the right-of-way. In Buffalo, the vehicle with the most rust and/or body damage has the right-of- way. In the Southtowns, the biggest truck has the right-of-way.
Stop signs with a white border around them are "optional". Slow down, just to make sure you don't ram somebody, or get rammed, then step on the gas and go. This is especially true in South Buffalo, hence the phrase "a South Buffalo stop".
Electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Buffalo look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the Amherst police cars parked in the median of the Youngmann Expressway.
Italian-American drivers must always be in front of you, no matter how fast you are going, or how slow they are going. Watching two Italian-American drivers compete for the point position along Hertel Avenue adds to the excitment of driving in Buffalo.
Real Buffalonians have both a "summer car" and a "winter car."
If you're a woman, you MUST drive in the left lane on the thruway, at the speed limit and no faster, especially if there are 3 lanes and there is no traffic in the other 2 lanes. If somebody comes up behind you and flashes their lights, do not move over. Make them change lanes and pass you on the right. This is your lane and you're sticking to it!
If you're downtown, and need to run into a building for less than 2 hours, just double park right in front of the building and put your 4-way flashers on, even if you're blocking the only driving lane on the road. This is allowed by the provision in the Vehicle and Traffic Law which applies especially to UPS trucks and US Mail vehicles.
All drivers and passengers are required to bow your head and make the Sign of the Cross whenever you drive by a Catholic church. The Virgin Mary will make sure that you don't get into an accident while you take your eyes off the road. If you're not Catholic, well, when in Rome ...
In Cheektowaga, look out for little old Polish ladies that can barely see above the steering wheels of their Plymouth Reliants and Dodge Aries. They absolutely must get to the daily mass or the bingo hall, and the only thing slower than their driving speed is their reflex time.
If you're a volunteer fireman, it's perfectly acceptible to flash your light bar to go through red lights. After all, that keg of Genesee Cream Ale down at the fire hall won't be there forever.
"Snow emergencies" mean that you can only drive 10 MPH above the speed limit on the Kensington Expressway.
Construction crews on the thruway MUST close at lease 3 miles of the lane they are working in, even if they are only working on a 50 foot strip of road. And the lane must be closed during rush hours, even though that is their "break time". That's why, when you drive by to and from work, you don't see anything going on at the construction site.
Never pass on the left, when you can pass, pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
Do not proceed through an intersection, even if you have the green light, until all cars on the cross street have slid on the ice through the intersection. During periods of heavy snow, wait at least 10 or 15 seconds after your signal turns green before proceeding.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the Buffalo area during rush hour, with the exception of the Village of Kenmore, where the penalty for speeding is death.
Your car must be equipped with at least TWO of the following:
a bumper sticker reading "Pray the Rosary," or "97 Rock;"
anything related to the Bills;
rosary beads hanging from the miror;
an Infant of Jesus doll in the back window;
an air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror;
an aftermarket vinyl roof;
a subwoofer that is turned up so it can be felt in Rochester;
rust.
South Buffalo. St. Patrick's Day. Don't even think of driving there then.
It's a Buffalo tradition to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. If you're an Italian-American, don't honk, but rather hang your head out the window of your Monte Carlo and threaten the slowpoke by screaming "Yo!" at the top of your lungs.
Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.
Buy a map, and memorize the relationship between expressway names and their route numbers. Traffic reporters always use names, not route numbers. Highway signs show route numbers, not names.
Real Buffalonians don't need a four wheel drive vehicle to drive in the snow.
A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
Save gasoline by accelerating to 10 MPH above the speed limit, then decelerating to 10 MPH below.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are just God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards and new vehicle sales.
Remember, Buffalo isn't called the "Twenty Minute City" for nothing. Take advantage of that expressway system that was "built for a city of two million people," and test the hypothesis whenever possible.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even someone just changing a tire.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Italian driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
The official litter zone is an area bounded by Main Street, Amherst Street, Bailey Avenue and Broadway. Use this zone to empty your ashtray, get rid of that Mighty Taco bag, or discard old tires that have been collecting in your garage.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Buffalo is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to NYSDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.
Turn your directionals on at least a mile before you actually turn, just to be extra cautious. If you're a little old Polish lady from Cheektowaga, leave your directionals on for at least ten minutes after you turn, just to let other drivers know where you came from.
When driving in Canada, all rules are off. Pass on the right, the left, the shoulder, the median, wherever. Treat metric speed limit signs as if they're in English units - everyone else does. If you can't make it to Toronto in an hour and 15 minutes, either get your car or your head examined.
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream, "Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and
ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Ho-ho and i'll give you a Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh your Crackerjack tastes better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?"She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,with a hammer and chisel,he gave it a hole,Third was a tailor, tall and thin,by using red velvet,the lined it within,Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.
THE SHOWER
How to shower like a woman (Part 1)
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning cos there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 33 degrees.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Turn on the hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until red raw.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has
once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek.
17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
20. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.
21. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: (Part 2)
Short shower:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife
along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if
you have pecks. (no)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecks again. (no)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your arse.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
15.pee
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your
girlfriend/wife, flash her.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flightsafety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wise, but please stay inside the plane until we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
and, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the
rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry....unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
>During the final approach of an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, the Captain was really having to fight the windy and bumpy conditions. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
OverWorked
D-Parrot
A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday.
Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The Roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, you don't need no water let the Muthafucker burn! Burn muthafucker, Burn!"
One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her. And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The Roof, the roof, the roof is on fire... (you know the rest)". She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No you don't say that here!!" The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not, these are the same muthafuckers that were in the club last night!!"
F.Y.I.
Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to.
1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee
The Blonde and The Horse
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves, as her head is
battered against the ground, she is merely moments away from
unconsciousness when..
Wedding Night!!
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an
electrician and a dentist - were deciding what pranks to play on the
couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats off their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK BUT, I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVACAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!
BROKEN DOWN:
A lady's car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the
driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out
of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench
coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand
facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and
exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly,
one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop,
clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle
yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?"
screams the cop.
"Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde!
No But I like the way you Think
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem.
She recited the following story: "There are three birds
sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How
many birds are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None", he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says
patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three
birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one," she puts
down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot
one bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but
I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question.
"There are three women sitting on a bench eating
Popsicle's. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman
is biting the Popsicle, and one is sucking the Popsicle.
Which one is married?" he asked innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed
in agony, turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the
Popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper
replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," the boy says with surprise, "the one with the
wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."
Little johnny and a irish wedding!!!
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, "And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's
families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception
room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.
The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in
court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge
finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting,
"Silence in Court."
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up
and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think
I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins
his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a
Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the
Bride.
The judge says, "OK."
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the
music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and
after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third
song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran
towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her
privates."
The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies, "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"
The 12-Step Program for AAS (AOL Addict Survivors)
Join now....no dues! LOL
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and
read my newspaper like I use to, before AOL
Big Check
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank.""Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.
"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
30 WAYS TO HAVE AN EXTRA SPECIAL TIME AT WALMART!
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