Season 2

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This page was last updated on 02/20/01.

When She Was Bad

Absalom: "Your day is done, girl.  I'll grind you into a sticky paste, and hear you beg before I smash in your face."  
Buffy: "So are you going to kill me, or are we just making small talk?"

Angel: "We need you to distract the vampires. ..." 
Buffy: "I'm gonna' kill them all.  That ought to distract them."

Annointed One: "I hate that girl."

Buffy: "Your the Watcher, I just work here."

Buffy (to Cordelia): "You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone that you're a moron."

Buffy: "Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it, this is never good."

Buffy: "You're a vampire! Oh, I'm sorry.  Was that an offensive term?  Should I say undead American?"

Buffy: "You know, being stalked isn't really a big turn-on for girls."

Cordelia: "Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it.  Embrace the pain.  Spank your inner moppet.  Whatever.  But get over it.  'Cause pretty soon you're not even going to have the loser friends you've got now."

Cordelia: "You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?"  
Buffy: "As defending champion, you nervous?"

Cordelia: "So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?" 
Willow: "Uh, yes.  Our own personal demons." 
Xander: "Such as lust and thrift."

Cordelia: "It was a nightmare, a total nightmare.  I mean, they promised me they'd take me to St. Croix, and then they just decide to go to Tuscany.  Art and buildings?  I was totally beachless for a month and a half.  No one has suffered like I have suffered.  Of course, I think that that kind of adversity builds character.  Well, then I thought, 'I already have a lot of character'.  Is it possible to have too much character?"

Giles: "Punishing yourself -- is pointless." 
Buffy: "It's entirely pointy.  I was a moron.  I put my best friends in mortal danger ...."  
Giles: "Buffy, you acted wrongly, I'll admit that, but believe me, that was hardly the worst mistake you'll ever make. ... That wasn't quite as comforting as it was meant to be." 
Buffy: "Well, points for effort."

Principal Snyder: "One day the campus is completely bare, empty.  The next, there are children everywhere -- like locusts.  Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating.  Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist."
Giles: "Well, I do enjoy these pep talks.  Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, that school principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation?"

Snyder: "I believe some of us have class, and some of us have jobs."

Snyder: "There's some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense."  
Giles: "Well, actually, that would be one of the five." 
Snyder: "That Summers girl--I smell trouble. I smell expulsion, and just the faintest aroma of jail."

Willow: "Use the force, Luke."

Willow: "I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?"  
Giles: "Willow, I think we're a little too told to be spelling things out." 
Xander: "A bitca?"

Willow: "What were you thinking about?" 
Buffy: "Nothing."  
Xander: "Aww, come on, you can tell us.  We're your bosom friends.  The friends of your bosom."

Willow: "Angel stopped by?  Wow!  Was there -- well, I mean -- was it having to do with kissing?" 
Buffy: "Willow, grow up.  Not everything is about kissing." 
Xander: "Yeah.  Some stuff's about groping.  It wasn't about groping?" 
Buffy: "Okay, hormones on parade here, it was pure shop talk.  Remember vampires, pointy teeth, they walk by night.  Am I ringing a bell?"

Xander: "You can't fight back 'cause your Amish.  I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy."

Xander: "We can grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledge hammer, but gosh, we did that last night."

Xander: "Dreams are meaningful."

Xander: "Hey, I got a plan!  How 'bout miniature golf?" 
Willow: "There's no course here." [The group played miniature golf during the "Ted" episode?]

Some Assembly Required

Angel: "Is this a bad time?" 
Buffy: "Are you crazy?  You don't just sneak up on a person in a grave yard.  You make noise when you walk.  You stomp or yodel."

Buffy: "Gee, I wish people wouldn't leave open graves laying around like this!"

Buffy: "I think anyone who cuts dead girls into little pieces does not get the benefit of any doubt."

Buffy: "Sorry to interrupt, Willow, but it's the bat signal."

Buffy: "You can't just give and take lives like that, it's not your job."

Buffy: "... I'm an old fashioned gal.  I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and women have the babies."

Buffy: "Oh no you don't. You can't just turn and walk away from me like that. It takes more than that to get rid of me."

Buffy (giving Giles dating tips): "You also might want to avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous'. You know? Speak English, not whatever they speak in, uh ..." 
Giles: "England?" 
Buffy: "Yeah.  You just say, 'Hey, I got a thing.  You maybe have a thing.  Maybe we could have a thing?'" 
Giles: "Well thank you, Cyrano." 
Buffy: "I'm not finished.  Then you say, 'How do you feel about Mexican?'" 
Giles: "About Mexicans?"  
Buffy: "Mexican.  Food.  You take her for food, for which you then pay."

Buffy: "Then, if you wouldn't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might want to leave off the idiot part.  Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood." 
Xander: "That actually, kind of, turns me on." 
Buffy: "I fear you."

Buffy: "I don't get it. ,Why would anybody want to make a girl?" 
Xander: "You mean, when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around?  The things we do for love."

Ms. Jenny Calendar: "Good morning, Rupert." 
Giles: "Ms. Calendar?"  
Calendar: "Oh no, please.  Call me Jenny.  Ms. Calendar's my mother."

Cordelia: "Okay, I'm doing this under protest.  It is not fair that they're making participation in this year's science fair mandatory.  I don't think anyone should have to do anything educational in school if they don't want to." 
Willow: "The Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable?" 
Cordelia: "I wanted to do something I could finish in a weekend, all right?"

Cordelia: "Hello?  Can we deal with my pain, please?" 
Giles: "There, there."

Cordelia: "Why are these terrible things always happening to me?"  
Xander: "Karma."

Giles: "Grave robbing?  That's new, interesting." 
Buffy: "I know you meant to say gross and disturbing." 
Giles: "Yes, of course.  It's a terrible thing, must put a stop to it."

Giles (re: football): "Well, I think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby."

Willow: "I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office book marked as a favorite place."

Willow: "Love makes you do the wacky."

Xander: "Yeah, nothing but a bunch of computer equipment and a pornography collection so prodigious that even scared me."

Xander: "So this chair woman, we are talking Ms. Calendar, right?"  
Giles: "What makes you think that?" 
Xander: "Simple deduction.  Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket.  She already knows you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her." 
Buffy: "And she's the only woman we've ever seen actually speak to you.  Add it up and it all spells 'Duh!'"

Xander: "Now is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?" 
Giles: "You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business." 
Xander: "You know, 'cause that whole stork thing is a smoke screen!"

Xander: "People don't fall in love with what's right in front of them.  People want the dream.  What they can't have.  The more unattainable, the more attractive."

Xander: "Well, I guess that makes it official.  Everybody's paired off.  The vampires get dates.  Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me.  You ever think that the world's a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped, and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?" 
Willow: "All the time."  
Cordelia: "Xander, I just wanted to thank you for saving my life.  What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there's anything I could ever do--" 
Xander: "Do you mind?  We're talking here.  So, where were we?" 
Willow: "Wondering why we never get dates." 
Xander: "Yeah, so why do you think that is?"

School Hard

Angel: "Once he starts something, he doesn't stop, until everything in his path is dead." 
Xander: "Hmm, so he's thorough, goal-oriented."

Buffy: "So, I'm going to take them one on one.  Set them up and knock them down."

Buffy: "I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse and it's neither creamy nor rinsy." 
Joyce Summers (Buffy's Mom): "Life is hard dear."  
Buffy: "Don't I know it ... is that a split end?"

Buffy: "What can you really tell about a person from a test score?"  
Joyce: "Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again."  
Buffy: "Oh, that."

Cordelia: "... if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone every again.  Unless, they really deserve it or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible...."

Cordelia: "Giles has us locked up in that library working on your weapons.  Even slaves get minimum wage."

Cordelia: "You're starting to look a little slagged.  What, are you just skipping foundation entirely now?" 
Buffy: "Cordelia, I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh.  It's kind of like oil and water and a -- third unmeshable thing." 
Cordelia: "Yeah, and I can see the oil.  Is that your mom?  Now that is a woman that knows how to moisturize.  Did it, like, skip a generation?"

Snyder: "A lot of educators tell students, 'Think of your principal as your pal'.  I say, think of me as your judge, jury and executioner."

Snyder: "Who do you think you are?" 
Buffy: "I'm the one that knows how to stop them."

Spike: "You were my sire, man.  You were my ... Yoda." 
Angel: "Things change." 
Spike: "Not us, not demons.  Man, I can't believe this.  You Uncle Tom."

Spike: "If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would've been like Woodstock."

Spike: "Fe, fi, fo, fum.  I smell the blood of a nice ripe girl." 
Buffy: "Do we really need weapons for this?" 
Spike: "I just like them.  They make me feel all manly."

Spike: "From now on, we're going to have a little less ritual -- and a little more fun around here!"

Xander: "As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine." 
Buffy: "Are you crazy?  What did you say that for?  Now something bad's going to happen." 
Xander: "What do you mean?  Nothing's going to happen." 
Willow: "Not until some dummy says as long as nothing bad happens." 
Buffy: "It's the ultimate jinx." 
Willow: "What were you thinking?  Or were you even thinking at all?"

Xander: "You've been studying for nearly twelve minutes." 
Buffy: "No wonder my brain's fried."

Inca Mummy Girl

Ampata: "You are strange." 
Xander: "Girls always tell me that, right before they run away." 
Ampata: "I like it." 
Xander: "I like you like it.  Please, don't learn from my English."

Ampata: "Hello Xander!" 
Xander: <mumble> 
Buffy: "I can translate American salivating boy talk.  He says you're beautiful." 
Xander: <mumble> 
Buffy: "You're welcome."

Buffy: "Giles, come on, budge? No one likes an unbudger."

Buffy: "Hey, look at us.  We came up with a plan, a good plan."

Buffy: "This is so unfair." 
Willow: "I don't think it's that bad." 
Buffy: "It's the ubersuck."

Buffy: "What kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse and doesn't even pack lipstick?"

Buffy: "I wasn't going to use violence.  I don't always use violence.  Do I?"  
Xander: "The important thing is -- you believe that."

Buffy: "One day, I'm going to live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying."

Buffy: "What's it like back home?" 
Ampata: "Cramped, and very dead." 
Buffy: "Well, you'll feel right at home in Sunnydale."

Buffy: "I'll say one thing for you Incan mummies: you don't kiss and tell."

Cordelia: "This whole student exchange thing has been a nightmare.  They don't even speak American."

Devon: "What does a girl have to do to impress you?" 
Oz: "Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to 'A Summer Place'.  I can't discuss it here."

Giles: "... you are the Chosen One." 
Buffy: "Oh, just this once, I'd like to be the Overlooked One."

Oz: "You're just impressed by any girl that can walk and talk." 
Devon: "She doesn't have to talk."

Sven: "I thought this exchange student thing would be a great deal.  But look what I got stuck with. 'Momento'.  'Punchy fruity drinky'.  Is Cordelia even from this country?"

Willow: "On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke?"  
Xander: "For 21 hours?" 
Willow: "It's addictive you know."

Xander: "Buffy, where are your priorities?  Tracking down a mummified killer or making time for some latin lover who's stock and trade is the breakage of hearts."

Xander: "Typical museum trick.  Promise human sacrifice, deliver old pots and pans."

Xander: "So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him 'cause I don't know anything much besides Doritos and Chihuahua."

Xander: "Fall for the old 'let me translate the ancient seal' come-on.  Do you know how many times I've used that?"

Xander: "Oh, it's Rodney Munson.  He's God's gift to the bell curve.  What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts." 
Willow: "You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years." 
Xander: "Yeah, I'm irrational that way."

Xander: "Buffy, I love Willow, and she's my best friend, which makes her not the kind of girl who I think about her lips that much. She's the kind of girl that I'm best friends with."

Xander: "Aye carumba. I can also say that."

Xander: "Your English is very bueno." 
Ampata: "I listen much." 
Xander: "Well, that works out well. because I talk much."

Xander: "And this is called a snack food.  ...  It's a delicious, spongy, golden cake stuffed with a delightful, creamy white substance of goodness.  ...  And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce, so it doesn't leave you with that heavy food feeling in your stomach."

Xander: "Okay, I have something to tell you, and it's kind of a secret, and it's, um -- a little bit scary. I like you -- a lot -- and I want you to go with me to the dance." 
Ampata: "Why was that so scary?" 
Xander: "Well, because you never know if a girl's going to say yes or if she's going to laugh in your face and pull out your still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel."

Xander: "I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world ever." 
Buffy: "Ampata wasn't evil.  At least, not to begin with.  And I do think she cared about you."
Xander: "Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would've been a strain on the relationship."

Reptile Boy

Buffy: "What the hell, I'm tired of being mature."

Buffy: "You know, people underestimate the value of a good ramble."

Buffy: "I think you don't know what it's like to be sixteen, and a girl, and The Slayer."

Buffy: "I'm brainsick. I can't have a relationship with him." 
Willow: "Not during the day, but you could ask him for coffee some night. It's the non-relationship drink of choice.  It's not a date, it's a caffeinated beverage.  Okay, sure, it's hot and bitter, like a relationship that way, but--"

Buffy: "Digging on the undead doesn't exactly do wonders for your social life."

Buffy: "Right, who needs a social life when you've got your very own hellmouth?" 
Giles: "Yes! You have a duty, a purpose. You have a commitment in life.  Now how many people your age can say that?" 
Buffy: "We talking foreign or domestic?  How 'bout none?"

Buffy: "I told one lie.  I had one drink." 
Giles: "Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake.  The words 'let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture."

Cordelia: "Buffy, these men are rich.  And I am not being shallow.  Think of all the poor people I could help with all my money."

Cordelia: "... I was so busy really listening that I didn't hear much."

Cordelia: "Oh, Buffy, it's like we're sisters, with really different hair."

Cordelia: "You know what's so cool about college?  The diversity.  You've got all the rich people, and -- all the other people."

Giles: "Just because the paranormal is more normal and less -- para of late, that is no excuse for tardiness or letting your guard down."

Giles: "From now on, no more pushing, no more prodding. Just an inordinate amount of nudging."

Willow: "I can't believe she lied to Giles.  My world is all askew."  
Xander: "Buffy's lying; Buffy's going to frat parties; that's not askew, that's cockeyed." 
Willow: "Askew means cockeyed." 
Xander: "Oh."

Willow: "I know.  We could go to the Bronze and sneak in our own tea bags and ask for hot water." 
Xander: "Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail."

Willow: "You lied to Giles." ...
Buffy: "Look, I wasn't lying.  I was just protecting him from information that he wouldn't be able to digest properly."  
Xander: "Like a corn dog." 
Willow: "Like you don't have a sick mother, but you'd rather go to a frat party where there's going to be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy." 
Xander: "Whoa, whoa.  Rewind.  Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?"

Xander: "I hate these guys.  Whatever they want just falls in their laps.  Don't you hate these guys?" 
Willow: "Yeah, with their charmed lives and their movie star good looks and more money than you can count -- I'm hating."

Xander: "Is she dying?" 
Buffy: "I think she's singing."  
Xander: "To a telephone in Hindi.  Now that's entertainment."

Xander: "Starve a snake, lose a fortune.  Boy, I guess the rich really are different, huh?"

Halloween

Buffy: "You know what I think about?  Ambush tactics, beheading. Not exactly the stuff that dreams are made of."

Buffy: "I think I just violated the guy code, big time." 
Willow: "Poor Xander.  Boys are so fragile."

Buffy: "You're missing the whole point of Halloween." 
Willow: "Free candy?" 
Buffy: "It's come as you aren't night.  A perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild without no repercussions." 
Willow: "I don't get wild.  Wild on me equals spaz."

Buffy: "So, how come Halloween is such a big yawner?  I mean, do the demons just hate how commercial it's become?"

Buffy (under spell): "I was brought up a proper lady.  I wasn't meant to understand things.  I'm just meant to look pretty, and then someone nice will marry me, possibly a baron."

Buffy: "You know what?  It's good to be me."

Cordelia: "Look Buffy.  You might be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever.  But when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer."

Cordelia: "Oh, he's a vampire.  Of course!  But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs?"

Giles: "I'll have you know that I have very, um, many relaxing hobbies."  
Buffy: "Such as?" 
Giles: "Well, um -- I enjoy cross-referencing." 
Buffy: "Do you stuff your own shirts or do you send them out?"

Giles: "Division of self, primarily.  Male and female.  Light and dark."  
Ethan: "Chunky and creamy.  Oh, no, sorry.  That's peanut butter."

Willow: "She couldn't have dressed up like Xena?"

Willow: "But, this just isn't me." 
Buffy: "And that's the point.  Look, Halloween is the night that not you is you, but not you.  You know?"

Xander: "Big noise scare monster, remember?"

Xander: "Buffy, Lady of Buffdom, Dutchess of Buffonia.  I am in awe.  I completely renounce spandex."

Xander: "I'm going to do what any man would do....  Something damn manly."

Xander (instructing children on the secrets of trick-or -treat): "Okay, on sleazing extra candy.  Tears are key, tears will normally get you the double-bagger.  You can also try the old 'you missed me' routine, but it's risky.  Only go there for chocolate."

Xander: "Too bulky. I prefer my women in spandex."

Xander: "Sign up and get your own pack of sugar-high little runts for the night." 
Buffy: "Yikes, I'll stick to vampires."

Xander: "Halloween quiet?  Wow, I figured it would be a big old vamp scare-a-palooza." 
Buffy: "Not according to Giles.  He swears that tomorrow night is like dead for the undead.  They stay in." 
Xander: "Those wacky vampires, that's why I love them.  They just keep you guessing!"

Xander: "A black eye heals, Buffy, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life."

Xander (under spell): "She must be right.  We must have some kind of amnesia."  
Buffy (under spell): "I don't know what that is, but I'm certain I don't have it.  I bathe quite often."

Xander: "It was way creepy.  It's like I was there, but I couldn't get out."  
Cordelia: "Yeah, I know the feeling, this outfit's totally skin-tight."

Lie To Me

Angel: "A hundred years, just hanging out, feeling guilty.  It really honed my brooding skills.  Then she comes along."

Buffy (to Giles): "Go!  Experience this thing called fun.  I'll try not to have a crisis."

Buffy: "Well, I've got a news flash for you brain-trust.  That's not how it works.  You die and a demon sets up shop in your old house and it walks and it talks and it remembers your life, but it's not you."

Buffy: "I'm rash and impulsive.  It's a flaw." 
Ford: "We all have flaws." 
Buffy: "I'm still a little fuzzy on exactly what yours is.  I think it has to do with being a lying scumbag."

Buffy: "It's just like the more I know, the more confused I get." 
Giles: "I believe that's called growing up." 
Buffy: "I'd like to stop then, okay?"

Calendar: "It's a secret." 
Giles: "What kind of a secret?" 
Calendar: "Uh, the kind that's secret."

Chanterella: "We welcome anyone that's interested in the Lonely Ones."  
Willow: "The lonely ones?" 
Angel: "Vampires."  
Xander: "Oh, we usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones."

Ford: "Couple more days and we'll get to do the two things every American teen should have the chance to do: die young and stay pretty."

Giles: "You mean life?" 
Buffy: "Yeah, does it get easy?"  
Giles: "What do you want me to say?" 
Buffy: "Lie To Me."  
Giles: "Yes, it's terribly simple.  The good guys are always stalwart and true.  The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats.  We always defeat them and save the day.  No one ever dies and everyone lives happily ever after." 
Buffy: "Liar."

Cordelia: "I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie Antoinette.  I can so relate to her.  She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort.  And I know the peasants were all depressed."  
Xander: "I think you mean 'oppressed'." 
Cordelia: "Whatever.  They were cranky.  So they're like, 'Let's lose some heads'!  Ugh, that's fair.  And, eh, Marie Antoinette cared about them.  She was going to let them have cake."

Willow: "Okay, but if there isn't anything weird -- hey, that's weird."

Willow: "Oh, great.  I'm so the net-girl."

Willow: "I still didn't find anything incriminating." 
Angel: "They leave no paper trail, no records.  That's incriminating enough." 
Xander: "Yeah, I'm going to have to go with Dead Boy on this one." 
Angel: "Would you not call me that?"

Willow: "Boy, we blend right in." 
Xander: "In no way do we stick out like sore thumbs." 
Angel: "Let's look around.  You guys check out downstairs." 
Xander: "Sure thing, Bossy the Cow." 
Willow: "Okay, but do they really stick out?" 
Xander: "What?"  
Willow: "Sore thumbs.  Do they stick out?  I mean, have you ever seen a thumb and gone, 'Wow! That baby is sore!'?" 
Xander: "You have too many thoughts."

The Dark Age

Buffy: "Come on, we fight monsters, this is what we do.  They show up, they scare us, I beat them up, and they go away."

Buffy: "What are you doing here." 
Ethan: "Snooping around."  
Buffy: "Honesty.  Nice touch." 
Ethan: "It's one of my virtues...not really."

Buffy: "Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?" 
Xander: "I feel pretty good about it.  Does that make me a sociopath?  Nah!"

Buffy: "I'm so used to you being the grown-up, and then I find out you're a person." 
Giles: "Well, most grown-ups are." 
Buffy: "Who would've thought?"

Cordelia: "Well, evil just compounds evil, doesn't it?  First, I'm sentenced to a computer tutorial on Saturday.  Now I have to read some computer book.  There are books on computers?  Isn't the point of computers to replace books?"

Cordelia: "Oh, great!  Can you help me with a ticket?  It's totally bogus.  It was a one-way street.  I was going one way!"

Cordelia: "This isn't right, school on a Saturday.  It throws off my internal clock." 
Xander: "When are we going to need computers for real life, anyway?" 
Calendar: "Hmm, let's see, there's homes, school, work, games." 
Xander: "You know, computers are on the way out.  I think paper's going to make a big comeback." 
Willow: "And the abacus." 
Xander: "Yeah, you know, you don't see enough abaci."

Giles: "Must we have this noise during your calisthenics?" 
Buffy: "It's not noise, it's music." 
Giles: "I know music.  Music has notes.  This is noise." 
Buffy: "I'm aerobicizing.  I must have the beat."  
Giles: "Wonderful.  You work on your muscle tone while my brain dribbles out of my ears."

Jenny: "... I'm not running around, wind in my hair, the hills are alive with the sound of music, fine, but ... I'm coping."

Willow: "Do you think Giles ever played -- when he was in school?"  
Xander: "Giles lived for school.  He's actually still bitter that there were only twelve grades." 
Buffy: "He probably sat in math class thinking, 'There should be more math.  This could be mathier.'" 
Willow: "Come on, you don't think he ever got restless as a kid?" 
Buffy: "Are you kidding?  His diapers were tweed."

Xander: "Oh, gang, did you hear that?  A bonus day of class plus Cordelia.  Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever."

Xander: "... I knew this would happen.  Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting."

What's My Line (part 1)

Buffy: "What does that mean anyways?  Whole nine yards.  Nine yards of what?  Now it's going to bug me all day."

Buffy: "Come on.  Don't make me do the chick fight thing."

Buffy (to Angel): "You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me."

Buffy: "Cliff's Note version?  I want a normal life."

Buffy: "Note to self, religion freaky."

Buffy: "Do the words sealed and fate ring any bells for you Will?  Why go there?"
Xander: "You know, with that kind of attitude you could have had a bright future as an employee of the DMV."

Cordelia: "Oh great.  So now I'm your taxi and your punching bag." 
Xander: "I'd like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way."

Cordelia: "You drag me out of bed for a ride?  What am I?  Mass transportation?"  
Xander: "That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk.  I wouldn't pay it any mind."

Giles: "You're behaving remarkably immaturely." 
Buffy: "You know why?  I am immature.  I'm a teen, I have yet to mature."

Giles: "Maybe Buffy unplugged the phone?" 
Xander: "No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen year old girl to unplug her phone."

Willow: "Goodie, research party." 
Xander: "Will, you need a life in the worst way."

Xander: "Bowling is a vicious game."

Xander: "But, HoHos are a vital part of my cognitive process."

Xander: "Come on Cordelia. If you want to be a member of the Scooby gang, you got to be willing to be inconvenienced every now and then."

Xander: "What?  And suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid?  I'd rather live in the dark." 
Willow: "You're not going to be young forever."  
Xander: "Yes, but I'll always be stupid.  Okay, let's not all rush to disagree." 
Buffy: "You're not stupid."

What's My Line (part 2)

Buffy: "I've had it! Spike is going down.  You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine.  But, nobody messes with my boyfriend."

Buffy: "You and bug people, Xander.  What's up with that?"

Buffy: "Kendra, my emotions give me power.  They're total assets."

Buffy: "Hello and welcome to planet pocket protector."

Buffy: "I don't take orders.  I do things my way." 
Kendra: "No wonder you died."

Buffy: "Don't look, ok?  But, that guy over there is totally checking you out."  
Willow: "Oh, that's Oz.  He's expressing computer nerd solidarity."

Cordelia: Dork head.
Xander: Dork head?  You slash me with your words.

Giles: "There are 43 churches in Sunnydale?  It seems a little excessive."  
Willow: "It's the extra evil vibe from the Hellmouth.  It makes people pray harder."

Kendra: "Identify yourself." 
Buffy: "Back off pink ranger, this is my friend."

Oz: "I mock you with my monkey pants."

Ted

Angel: "Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is."

Buffy: "Well, nobody likes an overachiever."

Buffy: "Seeing my mother French a guy is definitely a ticket to therapy land."

Buffy: "I kill vampires, that's my job." 
Giles: "True, true.  Although you usually don't beat them to quite such a bloody pulp beforehand."

Buffy: "Vampires are creeps." 
Giles: "Yes, that's why one slays them."

Buffy: "I'm just saying that there's something a little too clean about this clown." 
Willow: "It's a clean clown ... I have my own fun."

Cordelia: "But she's like this Superman.  Shouldn't there be different rules for her?" 
Willow: "Sure, in a fascist society." 
Cordelia: "Right.  Why can't we have one of those?"

Calendar: "I'm doing pretty good actually. Stayed out of mortal danger for three whole weeks. I could get used to it."

Ted: "You don't have to worry about anything, daddy's here."

Bad Eggs

Buffy: "... I always say that a day without an autopsy is like a day without sunshine."

Buffy: "... I can't take care of things.  I killed my Gigapet, literally.  I sat on it and it broke."

Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future -- all I see is you.  All I want is you.
Angel: I know the feeling.

Joyce: "Do now, make fun of your mother later."

Mr. Whitmore: "S-E-X, sex.  The sex drive in the human animal is intense.  How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings." 
Xander: "Yes." 
Whitmore: "That was a rhetorical question Mr. Harris, not a poll."

Whitmore: "It's often difficult to remember that there are negative consequences to having sex.  Would anyone care to offer one such consequence?" 
Cordelia: "Well, that depends. Are you talking about having sex in the car or out of the car?  Because I have a friend, not me, that was in a Miata that was parked on top of a hill and she kicked the gear shift and ..." 
Whitmore: "I was thinking about something a little more commonplace Ms. Chase." 
Xander: "You want to talk negative consequence? What about the heartbreak of halitosis?  I mean, a girl may seem spiffy, but if she ignores her flossing, the bloom is definitely off the rose."  
Cordelia: "Like that compares to kissing a guy who thinks the Hoover technique is a big turn on." 
Xander: "What about having to feign interest in her vapid little chitchats just so you can get some touch."

Xander: "Apparently, Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words."

Surprises (part 1)

09/12/2000

Angel: "... not every dream you have comes true.  ...
Buffy: "I dreamt -- I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas."

Buffy: "I like seeing you first thing in the morning."
Angel: "It's bedtime for me."
Buffy: "Well, then I like seeing you at bedtime."

Buffy: "... 'want' isn't always the right thing to do.  To act on 'want' can be wrong."

Buffy: "Speaking of 'wow' potential, there's Oz over there.  What are we thinking, any sparkage?" 
Willow: "He's nice.  I like his hands." 
Buffy: "... a fixation on insignificant detail is a definite crush sign."

Cordelia (re: Buffy's party): "I have to cook, and everything."
Xander: "You're cooking?"
Cordelia: "Well, I'm chips and dip girl."
Xander: "Horrors.  All that opening and stirring."
Cordelia: "And shopping and carrying!"

Cordelia: "Groping in a broom closet isn't dating.  You don't call it a date until the guy spends money." 
Xander: "Fine, I'll spend, then we'll grope, whatever.  I just think it's some kind of a whack that we have to hide what we feel from all of our friends." 
Cordelia: "Of course you want to tell everybody, you have nothing to be ashamed of.  I on the other hand, have everything to be ashamed of." 
Xander: "You know what, enough said.  Forget it, it must have been my multiple personality guy talking.  I call him idiot Jed, glutton for punishment."

Giles: "Is everything in order for the party?"
Xander: "Absolutely.  You ready to get down you funky party weasel?"
Giles: "Here comes Buffy.  Now remember: discretion is the better part of valor."
Xander: "You could've just said, 'shh!'."  ... are all you Brits such drama queens."

Giles: "If Drusilla is alive, it could be a very cataclysmic state of affairs."
Xander: "...  Couldn't you just say, 'we'd be in trouble'."

Giles: "Dreams aren't prophecies, Buffy.  You dreamed that the master had risen, but you stopped it from happening." 
Xander: "You ground his bones to make your bread." 
Buffy: "That's true, except for the bread part."

Giles: "One thing I've learned in my tenure here on the Hellmouth is that there is no good time to relax."

Joyce: "So, does seventeen feel any different from sixteen?" 
Buffy: "It's funny that you should ask that.  You know, I woke up feeling more responsible, mature, and level-headed."

Calendar: "He's very thorough." 
Buffy: "Oh, it's not too bad.  It's kind of manly in an obsessive compulsive kind of way, don't you think?"

Oz: "I'm going to ask you to go out with me tomorrow night -- and I'm kind of nervous about it, actually.  It's interesting!"
Willow: "Oh!  Well, if it helps at all, I'm going to say yes."
Oz: "Yeah, it helps.  It -- it creates a comfort zone.  Do you want to go out with me tomorrow night?"
Willow: "Oh, I can't!"
Oz: "Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable."
Willow: "Oh, it's just it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party."
Oz: "It's OK."
Willow: "But you could come.  If you want to."
Oz: "Well, I don't want to crash."
Willow: "No, it's fine.  Well, you could be m -- my date."
[Willow walks away and talks to self]
Willow: "I said 'date'."

Willow: "Carpe diem.  ..."
Buffy: "Fish of the day?"
Willow: "Not carp.  Carpe.  It means 'seize the day'."
Buffy: "... I think we're going to.  Seize it.  Once you get to a certain point, then seizing is sort of inevitable."
Willow: "Wow!"

Innocence (part 2)

09/12/2000

Angelus (to Buffy): "You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo.  Although, I guess, you proved that last night."

Angelus (to Buffy): "Dream on, schoolgirl.  Your boyfriend is dead."

Angelus (to Spike re: Buffy): "She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced.  Force won't get it done.  You got to work from the inside. To kill this girl -- you have to love her."

Angelus (to Buffy): "... you made me the man I am today."

Buffy: "Was it me?  Was I not good?"
Angelus: "You were great.  Really.  I thought you were a pro."

Cordelia: "This is great.  There's an unkillable demon in town.  Angel's joined his team.  The Slayer is a basket case.  I'd say we've hit bottom."

Cordelia: "Who am I supposed to be again?"
Xander: "You're supposed to be a girl.  Think you can handle it?"

Drusilla: "I'm naming all the stars."
Spike: "You can't see the stars, love.  That's the ceiling.  Also, it's day."
Drusilla: "I can see them.  But I've named them all the same name.  And there's terrible confusion."

Giles: "... we're absolutely certain that Angel has reverted to his former self?"
Xander: "Yeah, uh, we're all certain.  ..."
Cordelia: "What are we going to do?"
Giles: "I'm leaning towards blind panic myself."

The Judge: "This one cannot be burned.  He's clean.  ...  There's no humanity in him."
Angelus: "I couldn't have said it better myself."
Drusilla: "Angel."
Angelus: "Yeah, baby.  I'm back."

Oz: "So, do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?" 
Willow: "Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun."

Spike: What's 'Big Blue' up to anyway?  He just sits there."
The Judge: "I am preparing."
Spike: "Yeah.  It's interesting to me that preparing looks a great bit like sitting on your ass."

Spike (re: Buffy): "You really got a yen to hurt this girl, haven't you?" 
Angelus: "She made me feel like a human being.  That's not the kind of thing you just forgive."

Joyce  "So, what'd you do for your birthday?  ..."
Buffy: "Got older."

Uncle: "Vengeance is a living thing."

Uncle: "We control nothing.  We are not wizards, Janna.  We merely play our part."

Uncle: "The curse.  Angel is meant to suffer, not to live as human.  One moment of true happiness, of contentment, one moment where the soul that we restored no longer plagues his thoughts, and that soul is taken from him."
Calendar: "Then, if somehow -- if it's happened, then Angelus is back."

Uncle: "It is not justice we serve.  It is vengeance."

Willow (re: catching Xander and Cordelia kissing): "I knew it.  I knew it!  Well, not knew it in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know.  You two were fighting way too much.  It's not natural."
Xander: "I know it's weird."
Willow: "Weird?  It's against all laws of God and man.  It's Cordelia."

Xander (having been watching the bus depot for vampires that might be bringing in pieces of The Judge): "Well, the bus depot was a total washout.  And may I say, what a lovely place to spend the night.  What a vibrant cross-section of Americana."

Xander (to Cordelia): "If the vampires need grooming tips, we'll give you a call."

Xander (re: Cordelia): "We were just kissing.  It doesn't mean that much."
Willow: "No, it just means you'd rather be with someone you hate than be with me."

Xander: "I think I'm having a thought.  --  Yeah.  Yeah.  Yeah, that's a thought.  --  Now I'm having a plan."

Xander (to military sentry): "Well, you know the ladies.  They like to see the big guns.  Gets them all hot and bothered.  ..."
Cordelia: "So, does looking at guns really make girls want to have sex?  That's scary."
Xander: "Yeah, I guess."
Cordelia: "Well, does looking at guns make you want to have sex?" 
Xander: "I'm seventeen.  Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex."

Phases

05/13/2000

Oz: "This cheerleading trophy.  It's like its eyes follow you wherever you go.  I like it."

Willow: "... he said he was going to wait until I'm ready.  But, I'm ready.  Honest!  I'm good to go here."
Buffy: "Well, I think it's nice he's not just being and animal."
Willow: "It is nice.  He's great.  We have a lot of fun.  But I want some smoochies."
Buffy: "Have you dropped any hints?"
Willow: "I've dropped anvils."
Buffy: "He'll come around.  What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?"
Willow: "At last count, all of them, maybe more."
Buffy: "Well none of them know a thing.  They all get an 'F' in Willow."
Willow: "But I want Oz to get an 'A', and, oh, one of those gold stars."
Buffy: "He will."

Buffy: "I'd do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that 'share in our misery' thing tonight."
Willow: "Great.  I'll give Xander a call.  What's his number?  Oh, yeah.  1-800-I'm-dating-a-skanky-ho."
Buffy: "Meow!"
Willow: "Really?  Thanks!  I never got a 'meow' before."
Buffy: "Well deserved."
Willow: "Darn tooting!  I'm just saying Xander and Cordelia?  What does he see in her anyway?"

Cordelia: "Excuse me?  We didn't come here to talk about Willow.  We came here to do things I could never tell my father about 'cause he still thinks I'm a good girl."

Xander: "... he's [Oz] in a band.  We know what kind of an element that attracts."
Cordelia: "I've dated lots of guys in bands."

Cordelia: "... when your not babbling about poor, defenseless Willow, you're raving about the all-powerful Buffy."
Xander: "I don't babble.  I occasionally run-on, every now and then I yammer...."

Cordelia: "There is a beautiful full moon outside tonight.  It doesn't get any more romantic than this.  So, shut up!"

Buffy: "... you're sure it was a werewolf?"
Xander: "Well, let's see, um, six feet tall, claws, a big old snout in the middle of it's face like a wolf.  Um, yeah, I'm sticking with my first guess."
Oz: "Seems wise."
Xander: "Oh, oh, and then there was that little thing where it tried to bite us."

Oz: "Oh, don't worry.  I mean, they might not look it, but bunnies can really take care of themselves."

Giles: "My guess is that this werewolf will be back at next months full moon."
Willow: "What about tonight's full moon?"
Giles: "Pardon?"
Willow: "... last night was the night before the full moon, traditionally known as -- the night before the full moon."
Giles: "Meaning the accepted legend that werewolves only prowl during a full moon might be erroneous."
Cordelia: "Or it could be a crock."
Xander: "Unless the werewolf was using last year's almanac."
Buffy: "Looks like Giles has some schooling to do."
Giles: "Yes, I must admit I'm intrigued. Werewolves -- it's one of the classics. I'm sure my books and I are in for a fascinating afternoon."
Buffy: "He needs to get a pet."

Willow: "Don't forget!  You're supposed to be a meek little girlie-girl like the rest of us."
Buffy: "Spoil my fun."

Giles: "While there's absolutely no scientific explanation for lunar effect on the human psyche, the phases of the moon do seem to exert a great deal of psychological influence.  And the full moon seems to bring out our darkest qualities."
Xander: "And yet, ironically, led to the invention of the moon pie."

Giles: "Well, you see, the werewolf is such a potent, extreme representation of our inborn animalistic traits, that it emerges for three full consecutive nights.   The full moon and, uh, the two nights surrounding it."
Willow: "Quite the party animal."
Giles: "Quite.  And it, uh, acts on pure instinct, uh, no conscience, predatory and aggressive."
Buffy: "In other words, your typical male."
Xander: "On behalf of my gender, hey."
Giles: "Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions."
Buffy: "I didn't jump.  I took a tiny step, and there the conclusions were."
Xander: "So, then I'm guessing your standard silver bullets are in order here?"
Giles: "No.  No bullets.  No matter who this werewolf is, it's still a human being, who may be completely unaware of his or her condition."
Buffy: "So, tonight, we bring them back alive."

Cain: "... it's good to get the fruit while it's fresh."

Cain: "I tore a tooth from the mouth of every werewolf that I killed.  This next one will bring the total to an even dozen."
Buffy: "So you're just going to kill it?"
Cain: "Well, see, that's the thing.  Their pelts fetch a pretty penny in Sri Lanka, and it's a little hard to skin them when they're alive."
Giles: "You hunt werewolves for sport?"
Cain: "No, no.  I'm in it purely for the money."
Buffy: "And it doesn't bother you that a werewolf is a person 28 days out of the month?"
Cain: "That's why I only hunt them the other three."

Cain: "First they tell me I can't hunt an elephant for its ivory --  Now I've got to deal with people for the ethical treatment of werewolves."

Xander: "And I'm practically an expert on the subject."
Willow: "On account of once you were a hyena."
Xander: "I know what it's like to crave the taste of freshly killed meat, to be taken over by those uncontrollable urges."
Buffy: "You said you didn't remember anything about that."

Larry: "Geeks make me nervous."

Willow: "They say it's a good idea to count to ten when you're angry."

Willow: "Sometimes it feels good to help.  Well, like looking up stuff.   I'm going to be doing that most of the night. You could help me ... help together?"

Buffy: "Welcome to the mystery that is men.  I think it goes something, like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want."
Willow: "That doesn't seem like a fair trade."

Willow: "It used to be so much easier to tell if a boy liked you.  He'd punch you on the arm and run back to his friends."
Buffy: "Those were the days."

Xander: "Buffy, you can't blame yourself for every death that happens in Sunnydale.  If it weren't for you, people would be lined up five deep waiting to get themselves buried.  Willow would be Robbie the robot's love slave, I wouldn't even have a head...."

Oz: "I'm going through some changes."
Willow: "Well, welcome to the world!  Things happen.  Don't you think I'm going through a lot?"
Oz: "Not like me."
Willow: "Oh what?  So, now you're special?  You're special boy ... with chains and stuff.  Why do you have chains and stuff?"

Willow: "It's Oz!  It's Oz!  ...  He said he was going through all these changes, then he went through all these changes.  ...  You're not going to kill Oz.  Yeah, he's a werewolf, but he doesn't mean to be."

Giles: "I put enough Phenobarbital in this thing to sink a small elephant.   It should be enough for a large werewolf."

Cain: "No wonder this town's overrun with monsters.  No one here's man enough to kill them."
Buffy: "I wouldn't be so sure about that.  [Buffy bends the barrel of Cain's rifle]  How about you let the door hit you in the ass on the way out of town."

Buffy: "Weirdness abounds lately.  Maybe it's the moon.  It does stuff to people."

Oz:  "It's not every day you find out you're a werewolf.  It's kind of freak some."

Willow: "I'm sorry about how all this ended up."
Oz: "It's okay.  I'm sorry I almost ate you."
Willow: "It's okay."

Willow: "...  I like you.  You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke.  Well yeah, OK, werewolf, but that's not all the time.  I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either."
Oz: "You are quite the human."
Willow: "So I'd still if you'd still."
Oz: "I'd still.  I'd very still."
Willow: "OK.  No biting though."
Oz: "Agreed. -- A werewolf in love.

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

09/07/2000

Amy: "Intent has to be pure with love spells."
Xander: "Right!  I intend revenge -- pure as the driven snow."

Buffy: "... Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards and chocolate."

Buffy: "... I can't prepare when I don't know what's coming."

Buffy: "We can comfort each other."
Xander: "Would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all?  'Cause I find that very comforting."

Buffy (to Xander): "It's funny how you can see someone everyday but -- not really see them."

Buffy (after being changed from a rat): "I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here."
Oz: "But you're not a rat -- so call it an upside."

Buffy (to Xander): "I remember coming on to you.  I remember begging you to undress me -- and then a sudden need for cheese."

Calendar (to Amy): "I guess Xander's just too much man for the pimple squad."

Cordelia: "Your clothes -- you look so good."
Xander: "I let Buffy dress me.  --  Well, not physically."

Cordelia: "Who are we kidding?  Even if parts of us do see specialness, we don't fit."
Xander: "...  Do you know what's a good day to break up with some body?  Any day besides Valentine's Day."

Cordelia: "Damn it, Xander, what's going on?  Who died and made you Elvis?"

Cordelia (to Xander after being trapped in Buffy's basement by mob of girls): "If we die in here, I'm going to kick your ass.  I mean it."

Cordelia: "Harmony, shut up.  --  Do you know what you are, Harmony?  You're a sheep.  ...  All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first.  And here I am scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep.  I do what I want to do, and I wear what I want to wear.  And you know what?  I'll date whoever the hell I want to date.  --  No matter how lame he is."

Drusilla (after rescuing Xander from Angelus): "How do you feel about eternal life?"
Xander: "We couldn't just start with a coffee?  A movie, maybe?"

Giles: "Might I have a word?"
Buffy: "Have a sentence, even."

Giles: "Better safe than sorry."
Buffy: "It's a little late for both."

Giles: "People under a love spell, Xander, are deadly.  They lose all capacity for reason."

Giles: "We have to catch the Buffy rat."

Harmony Kendall (to Cordelia re: Xander): "... a girl wants to look good for her geek."

Harmony: "Gee, Xander.  Maybe you should learn a second language so that even more girls can reject you."

Harmony (to Cordelia): "Xander is wounded because of you.  ...  Only a sick pup would let Xander get away, mo matter what her friends said."

Willow: "Friendships change all the time.  People grow apart.  They grow closer.  ...  I want you, Xander, to be my first --"
Xander: "-- baseman.  Please tell me we're talking baseball."

Willow (to Xander with Cordelia): "I'd rather see you dead than with that bitch."

Xander: "My Valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders."

Xander: "I wish dating was like slaying: you know, simple, direct, stake through the heart, no muss, no fuss."
Buffy: "... slaying is a tad more perilous than dating."
Xander: "Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia."

Xander (to Cordelia): "I've been thinking a lot about us lately.  The why and the where for. You know.  Once, twice, a kissie here, a kissie there.  And you can chalk it all up to hormones.  And maybe that's all we have here, tawdry teen lust.  But maybe not.  Maybe something in you sees something special inside me.  And vice versa.  I mean, I think I do -- see something."

Xander: "Blackmail is such an ugly word."
Amy: "I didn't say 'blackmail'."
Xander: "Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up."
Amy: "What do you want?"
Xander: "What do I want?  I want some respect around here.  I want, for once, to come out ahead.  I want the hellmouth to be working for me.  You and me, Amy -- we're going to cast a little spell."

Xander: "I have a plan. -- We use me as bait." 
Buffy: "You mean make Angel come after you?" 
Xander: "No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at 'cause it would be more fun than my life."

Xander (to Amy): "Oh, no, no.  It's okay.  You know what?  It was wrong to meddle with the forces of darkness. I see that now.  I think we've all grown, I got to go."

Xander: "I don't want to use force."
Willow: "Force is okay."
Xander: "That's it.  This has got to stop.  It's time for me to act like a man, and hide."

Xander: "... don't open that raincoat."
Buffy: "Come on, it's a party.  Aren't you going to open your present."

Xander (to Amy): "You just turned Buffy into a rat."

Xander: "Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women find me attractive?"
Cordelia: "The only way you could get girls to want you would be witchcraft."

Xander: "... I'm back to being incredibly unpopular."
Buffy: "It's better than everyone trying to ax-murder you, right?"

Passions

Angelus: "No thanks.  Been there, done that.  Deja vu just isn't what it used to be."

Angelus: "Passion. It lies in all of us; sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir; open it's jaws and howl."

Angelus: "It speaks to us, guides us, passion rules us all, and we obey.  What other choice do we have?"

Angelus:" It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of piece. But we would be hollow, empty rooms, shuddered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead."

Angelus: "Passion is the source of our finest moments."

Angelus: "Passion is the source of our finest moments- the joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief."

Angelus: "Maybe next time I'll bring you with me, Spike.  It might be handy to have you around if I ever need a really good parking space."

Buffy: "You really think it'll bother him?" 
Willow: "Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go over to Xander's house just to watch a Charlie Brown Christmas every year." 
Buffy: "See your point." 
Willow: "Although it is worthwhile to see him do the Snoopy dance."

Buffy: "Sorry Angel!   Changed the locks."

Cordelia: "... I actually had to talk my grandmother into switching cars with me last night."

Drusilla (to Spike): " I brought her here to cheer you up.  I named her Sunshine."

Drusilla: "Why Angel, where have you been?  The sun is almost up, and it can be so hurtful."

Giles: "It's classic battle strategy to throw one's opponent off his game.  He's just trying to provoke you, to taunt you, to go to you until some mishap of sort."  
Xander: "The na-na-na-na-na-na approach to battle."

Calendar: "I know you feel betrayed." 
Giles: "Yes, that's one of the unpleasant side effects of betrayal."

Joyce: "I've read all the parenting books.  You cannot surprise me!"

Shop keeper: "I don't like computers.  They give me the willies."

Spike: "If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus.  This new improved one is not playing with a full sack.  I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but these little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer."

Willow: "Oh, wait.  What if they don't recognize my authority?  What if they try to convince me that you always let them leave class early?  What if there's a fire drill?   What if there's a fire?"

Willow: "I swear, men can be such jerks sometimes, dead or alive."

Xander: "... the more people who know the secret the more it cheapens it for the rest of us."

Xander: "Yep.  You're doomed to having to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it.  And those guys never chip in for gas."

Killed By Death

Buffy: "Chocolate means nothing to me ."

Cordelia: "... you have the most perfect nose I have ever seen.  You must workout."

Cordelia: "Wait, what does this [demon] do?" 
Giles: "It asks endless questions of those whom it's supposed to be working with so that nothing is getting done." 
Cordelia: "Boy, there's a demon for everything."

Giles: "Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?" 
Cordelia: "Tact is just not saying true stuff.  I'll pass."

Security Guard: "Fear is for the week."

Willow: "... I'm good at medical stuff.  Xander and I used to play doctor all the time." 
Xander: "... she's being literal.  She used to have all these medical volumes and used to diagnose me with stuff.  I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong." 
Willow: "Wrong?  Why?  How did you play doctor?"

Xander (to Angel): " Take a walk over bite."

Xander: "My whole life just flashed before my eyes.  I've got to get me a life."

Xander: "You don't know how to kill this thing." 
Buffy: "Thought I might try violence."

I Only Have Eyes For You

Angelus (to Spike in a wheelchair): "You got to roll with the punches.  Well, actually, you've pretty much got that part down.  Haven't you?"

Buffy: "What happened?  You just went O.J. on your girlfriend!"

Cordelia: "I hope you guys aren't going to the Sadie Hawkins' dance tonight 'cause I'm organizing a boycott.  Do you realize that the girls have to ask the guys, and pay, and everything?"

Giles: "I appreciate your thoughts on the matter.  In fact, well, I encourage you to always challenge me when you feel it's appropriate.  You should never be cowed by authority.  Except, of course, in this instance, when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong."

Snyder: "I'm no stranger to conspiracy.  I saw J.F.K."

Willow: "Xander what happened?  Did Cordelia win another round in the broom closet?"

Xander: "... he's usually investigate-things-from-every-boring-angle-guy.  Now, he's like cling-on-to-my-one-lame-idea-guy.  What gives?"

Xander: "... The quality of mercy is not Buffy!"

Go Fish

Angelus: "You're in luck, my friend.  It just so happens I'm recruiting." 

Buffy: "Any demons with high cholesterol?  You're going to think about that later, mister, and you're going to laugh."

Cordelia: "Go ahead, say it.  You ran like a woman."

Giles: "Stay calm, chaps.  Either we'll find an effective antidote or ... or ... stay calm."

Willow: "Really?   Me?  I'll crack him like an egg."

Willow: "So you wanted revenge on the Swim team, didn't you?"
Jonathan: "Yes!"  
Willow: "So you decided to go into the black arts and conjure up a hell-beast from the ocean's depths, didn't you?
Jonathan: "No!  I snuck in after school and peed in the pool."
Willow: "Oh! ..."

Xander: "I feel good!   Loving the swimming!  Had some carrot juice this morning, a little wheat germ mixed in with it.  Woke me right up.  Nothing like it, huh?  Breakfast of State Champions, you bet you!  Okay, so, when do we get our next dose.  Who's carrying?  I need a little something to improve my performance.  Give me an edge, ... Steroids.  Where are they?"

Becoming (part 1)

Angelus: "My friends we're about to make history ... end."

Buffy: "So that would be the literal kind of sucked into hell."

Cordelia: "How about because you're a tiny, impotent, Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu."

Drusilla: "I met an old man.  I didn't like him.  He got stuck in my teeth."

Giles: "A spirit vault for rituals of the undead.  I've got one.  I've been using it as a paperweight."

Kendra: "This is my lucky stake. I have killed many vampires with it. I call it Mr. Pointy."

Oz: "I thought it was riveting.  I was a little unclear about some of the themes."

Spike: "Someone wasn't worthy."

Willow: "... somebody explain the whole he-will-suck-the-world-into-hell thing because that's the part I'm not loving."

Xander: "You know just for once I wish you would support me ... and I realize right now that you were and I'm embarrassed so I'm going to get back to the point ... which is that Angel needs to die."

Becoming (part 2)

Angelus: "I want to torture you.  I used to love it and it's been a long time.  I mean, the last time I tortured somebody they didn't even have chain saws."

Buffy: "Mom, I'm a vampire slayer."

Buffy: "The whole earth may be sucked into hell and you want my help because your girlfriend's a big ho.   Well, let me take this opportunity to not care!"

Cordelia: "So Buffy's going for the big showdown, huh?  I wish we could help, you know, without dying."

Drusilla (after kissing Giles): "Sorry, I was in the moment."

Giles: "In order to be worthy, you must perform the ritual ... in a tutu."

Giles: "No, it's a trick. They go inside my head ... make me see things I want to see ..."  
Xander: "Then why would you be seeing me?"
Giles: "Good point, let's go."

Joyce: "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" 
Spike: "Uh, yeah, you hit at me with an axe. The whole 'Get the hell away from my daughter' thing." Joyce: "Oh!"  

Oz: "Okay, I pretty much missed out on some stuff, didn't I?  Because this is all making the kind of sense that's ... not."

Spike: "I want to stop Angel.  I want to save the world."

Spike: "You've got people.  Billions of people walking around like happy meals with legs."

Spike: "We like to talk big ... vampires do.  'I'm going to destroy the world.'  It's just tough-guy talk. Strut around with your friends over a pint of blood.  The truth is I like this world.  You've got dog racing, Manchester United.  And you've got people.  Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs."

Whistler: "In the end, you're always by yourself."

Willow: "There's no use arguing with me.  Do you see my resolved face?  You've seen it before, you know what it means."

Xander: "Cavalry's here.  Cavalry is a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here."