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3-13-02
My whole life I have been afraid to drink. Like I told you, I watched my dad throw up blood until he died because he was an alcoholic. I watched my brother steal all my money, games, and clothes to buy his fucking alcohol. It seems like everyone in my family gets addicted to it and I have avoided it because I know I will too. I drank once, and sometimes I miss the taste. Now I need something, anything. I just feel like getting plastered. Drinking until I can't sense anything anymore. Until I can't feel.
I'm so tired of listening to the same sad songs everyday, all day. I'm so fucking tired of everything. I have been using, well I guess you can call it a chemical, to get through the day. It's not a drug. I guess it's all how you look at it. Actually, it's rather stupid, but I use it, a lot. Too much. At first it gave me the high I needed. It took away all my pain, all my torment, all my anxiety. Then I started doing it more and more. Now it's up to about a dozen times a day and it doesn't work the way it once did. It leaves me craving something else, something more. But, like I am addicted to this, I know I will become attached to anything I do. I still don't want to fuck myself up, in fear that one day I will become something. But I don't care about anything right now, just you. And you are pointless right now. It doesn't matter how much I love you, there is nothing I can do. You told me I can wait and watch you love others more and more. And I have. This is so hard, but I have. Too bad there is actually nothing I could do. I would cut off my fucking finger if only I thought you wanted me to. I would take the stars out of the sky, or bring you up to the heavens so you can experience the same beauty I see in you. But me giving my all and taking nothing in return still doesn't get you to tell me good night. Life isn't supposed to be like this. Love isn't supposed to be like this. I guess I knew neither until I knew you. It like I "knew I loved you before I met you." But just as I didn't know it until I knew you, I don't think I will ever know love or life again without you. But I am going to be. Things are broken and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I can try to distract myself with other people, let them think I like them. Try to be happy with them, but what's the point? Sometimes loving you is so beautiful. Right now it hurts too much. Right now I wish I could stop. I'd give anything for you to either love me now, or me to never love you again. But I know neither is possible. I promised no more writing, but I broke that promise. I wrote something today…
Lost in the days
Of what used to be
Dreaming of the days
I'll never see
Dreams so sad but true
Of yesterday
Dreaming of the things I could do
To be with you today
But you deserve to see the best things in life
Something I'll never see
And you deserve to be a great man's wife
Something I'll never be
Because if loving you with all my heart
Is not what you dream
Then the love from all of my heart
Is not what I make it seem
It's just beauty
At too heavy of a cost
Its unwanted feelings
Of love lost
Or blind obsession
From a burning heart
And constant rejection
That's tearing me apart
Love that won't end
Even if you wish it could
Feelings that won't die
Even if they should
I love you greater
Than I've ever before
And later
I'll even love you more
But its love
At too heavy of a cost
Love for loveless
Whose love is lost
I guess I'm just in a bad mood right now. I need to hurt someone as much as I am hurt right now. But I don't think many will know this pain because I don't think many can feel this love. It's like I'm in quick sand. The harder I try to get out, the quicker I sink. And there isn't a damn thing I can do. At least with quick sand, you die in a short while. I think this life is going to haunt me for a long time. Would it be better to not feel as much as I do? To be like most everyone else? I wouldn't hurt as much. But I wouldn't feel as much either. I wouldn't love as much. I wouldn't appreciate things as much as I do. But, since I know pain more than love, I think it may be better to feel like the rest of people. To feel like you. To be able to stop loving someone and not care. I could say, the feeling of you loving me felt much better than all the pain in this world's hurt. But right now all I feel is the hurt, and my love. To remember that you loved me, I have to watch the videotape of you were you tell me you love me. But then I'm reminded that you don't tell me anymore. Maybe in a different life, a different time, you would. Or maybe if I looked like someone else. It's sad to know that if I looked like this, all I would have to do is seem semi-interested. But you don't know love, and that's not your fault. I guess I always knew it was because of the "men" you were with before me. But that excuse was a little hard to swallow after awhile. I'm just so annoyed at my sinking right now.