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3-15-02
I know these notes are all starting to sound the same but if you read them and understand, you will see they are very different from each other.
Last night I thought it was the end. The end of these feelings, the end of the unwanted love. I felt so numb. I guess my last note got me this way. The realization that I am not best for you got me this way. And if I know I'm not best for you and I still try to be with you, then that means I'm the worst for you. I still loved you and was in love with you, but I didn't want to be with you anymore. And then I went to sleep…
The dream I remember best was you calling me. It was about 10 p.m. and you asked if I wanted to come over. I said, "What about Dave?" "He won't be over." This told me that maybe you were done with him. So I hurried getting ready. I tried to make myself look best as possible and ran downstairs. Then my alarm went off. I really wanted to see how the dream finished. Maybe you would have hugged me? Maybe you would have told me you loved me? Either would have felt so good and real. But both would have made morning even worse. I can't describe the pain I felt when I realized you were still with Dave. That it was just another "nightmare".
Something tells me I had this dream for a reason. Hope tells me. I have renewed hope. This pain in immeasurable but is worth it if I still have hope for you. But something makes me want to love you like this, but not be with you. That may seem strange, but I'll explain…
I dream about how great we can be. How happy you will be, how happy I will be. But what if I give my all and that's still not good enough? You still don't love me? You still want more? I can't give any more, so you will never be happy with me. At least if I'm not with you, I can still dream that I can make you happy. I can still dream about how beautiful we can be. If I lose you, then I lose my dreams. And since you are my dreams, I lose myself. But, in the end, to be near you, it's worth that chance. I would give up forever if I could hold you for but one moment. That moment could be my forever. I love you.