Funnies Pg.4
<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0><script> (function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i['GoogleAnalyticsObject']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){ (i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o), m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m) })(window,document,'script','//www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js','ga'); ga('create', 'UA-47423994-1', 'fortunecity.ws'); ga('send', 'pageview'); </script> <center> <br> <div> <script language="javascript" type="text/javascript" src="http://ad.broadcaststation.net/ads/show_ad.php?width=728&height=90"></script> </div> </center> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=120 BGCOLOR="#111111" TEXT="#F7F7FF" bgproperties="fixed" background="1a8b4781dyxtip.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#00FF00" FACE="Arial" ><B>Bill's Funnies </B></FONT> <FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#00FF00" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B><B>| </B><B> </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Bills Funnies "><U><B>home</B></U></A></FONT></div> <div> <A HREF="id114.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="God Bless The U.S.A."><U>God Bless The U.S.A.</U></A> | <A HREF="funnies_pg_1.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.1"><U>Funnies Pg.1</U></A> | <A HREF="funnies_pg_2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.2"><U>Funnies Pg.2</U></A> | <A HREF="funnies_pg_3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.3"><U>Funnies Pg.3</U></A> | Funnies Pg.4 | <A HREF="funnies_pg_5.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.5"><U>Funnies Pg.5</U></A> | <A HREF="funnies_pg_6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.6"><U>Funnies Pg.6</U></A> | <A HREF="funnies_pg_7.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.7"><U>Funnies Pg.7</U></A> | <A HREF="id106.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Blonde Funnies"><U>Blonde Funnies</U></A> | <A HREF="points_to_ponder.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Points to ponder"><U>Points to ponder</U></A> | <A HREF="eye_chart.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Eye Chart "><U>Eye Chart </U></A> | <A HREF="id110.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Play Checkers"><U>Play Checkers</U></A> | <A HREF="redneck_jokes.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Redneck Jokes"><U>Redneck Jokes</U></A> | <A HREF="funny_pic_s_1.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 1"><U>Funny Pic's 1</U></A> | <A HREF="funny_pic_s_2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 2"><U>Funny Pic's 2</U></A> | <A HREF="funny_pic_s_3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 3"><U>Funny Pic's 3</U></A> | <A HREF="e_greetings.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Send EGreetings"><U>Send E-Greetings</U></A> | <A HREF="id107.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Awards"><U>Awards</U></A> | <A HREF="links.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Other Site Links"><U>Other Site Links</U></A> | <A HREF="contact_me.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Me"><U>Contact Me</U></A> | <A HREF="headline_news.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Headline News"><U>Headline News</U></A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=190 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="21164643.jpg"> <div> In my distress I cried unto the Lord, and he heard me. Psalm 120:1<IMG SRC="1aab4b60.jpg" border=0 width="180" height="182" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <!-- Start Gem Sound Web Gem --> <embed src="HTMLobj-738/YOUR_MAMA_DON_T_DANCE.mid" autostart="true" hidden="true"> <!-- End Gem Sound Web Gem --> </div> </td> <td valign="top" height=360 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="21164643.jpg"> <div> Funnies Pg.4</div> <div> <B> <IMG SRC="67d4a7d0.gif" border=0 width="74" height="125" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> <IMG SRC="67c8c460.gif" border=0 width="140" height="70" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> <IMG SRC="67e56820.gif" border=0 width="86" height="130" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> </B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> SIMPLE DEDUCTION</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A Sunday school teacher turned to his class and ask, " When did Adam and Eve leave the Garden of Eden ? " A hand shot up immediately. The teacher called on the little boy, and he said, " It was sometime shortly after September 15th ." The teacher was surprised at the answer and asked, " Why do you say that ? " He replied, " Because the apples aren't ripe before September 15th !! "</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> BIG BUSINESS</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A farmer bought his neighbor's mare for $100 cash. Later the neighbor got to thinking that since the farmer paid the price so willingly, the mare must be worth more. Next day he bought the mare back for $200. Later the farmer again bought the mare -- for $300. This kept going on until the price went up to $1500. Then a horse trader from another county came and bought the mare for $2000. Hearing of this, the neighbor hurried over to the farmer and berated him. " You were an idiot for selling that mare to that horse trader. Both of us were making a good living off of her ! "</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> 50th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, the couple returned to their honey moon hotel. After retiring the wife said, " Darling, do you remember how you stroked my hair ? " and so he stroked her hair. She reminded him of the way that they cuddled and so he did. With a sigh she said, " Won't you nibble my ear again ? " With that the husband got out of bed and left the room. " Where are you going ? " cried the upset wife. " To get my teeth !! "</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> ATTITUDE</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> AS WE GET OLDER</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Three elderly women are talking. The first says, " I go to the refrigerator and forget what I need from there. " Second woman: " When I go upstairs, I can't remember whether I'm going up for something or if I am on my way back down." Third woman: " I'm lucky, I guess (knocking on wood), I don't have that problem. Oh! There's someone at the door. " </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE EULOGY</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A pastor was preaching the funeral of one of the church members. He was extolling the virtues of the leading citizen, " All we have here is the shell -- the nut is gone. "</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>On a chartered airplane there was the pilot and three passengers -- a boy scout, a Baptist preacher, and an atomic scientist -- and the plane develops engine trouble in mid-flight. The pilot rushes back to the passenger compartment and exclaims, " The plane is going down! We only have three parachutes, and there are four of us ! I have a family, I must survive! " With that, he grabs one of the parachutes and jumps out of the plane. The atomic scientist jumps to his feet and declares, " I am the smartest man in the world. It would be a great tragedy if my life were snuffed out !" With that , he also grabs a parachute and jumps out. With an alarmed look on his face, the preacher says to the boy scout, " I have lived a full life and am ready to meet my Maker. You are still young with much ahead of you. You take the last parachute. " Hold on, preacher. Don't say any more. We're all right. The worlds smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing my knapsack !!" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> EGO</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Someone once said, " If you want to realize your own importance, put your finger into a bowl of water, take it out, and look at the hole."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE WAYWARD PIG</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Driving down a long country road, in his new red convertible, the man comes upon a pig wandering down the middle of the road. The man stopped the car and gathers up the pig for fear he might get ran over. There are no houses or farms for miles and the man is at a loss on what to do with the pig. About that time a state trooper pulls up and ask what's going on. The man explains his plight to the trooper, who advises him, " There is a zoo in the next town, about forty miles down the road. You can take the pig there." So, off they went. About sundown the trooper is headed back down the same stretch of road and passes the man and the pig going in the opposite direction. He turns around and stops them and ask, " I thought that I told you to take that pig to the zoo this morning ? " The man replied, " You did, and we had such a good time, now we're on our way to Disney Land !! "</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> WHERE DID I COME FROM</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A young boy of eight asked his mother, " Mom, where did I come from? " The mother's mind started racing -- Oh Lord, so young, what do I tell him? She finally replied, " Why don't you ask your father when he gets home. I think he will be better able to tell you than I." So, upon arriving home that evening the father was hit with the same question. He ponders, so young, but better hear it from me than to get it somewhere else. So he explains about the birds and the bees to the young lad. When he gets finished he asked," Well, do you have any questions? " The youngster replied, " Oh, I know all of that stuff , dad, Joey down the block comes from Kansas, Where do I come from !! "</B></div> <div> <B> <IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE JOB INTERVIEW</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>An air head goes for a job interview in an office. The </B></div> <div> <B>interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell </B></div> <div> <B>us your age, please?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The air head counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute </B></div> <div> <B>before replying. "Um ... 22."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break </B></div> <div> <B>the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from </B></div> <div> <B>her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and </B></div> <div> <B>extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the </B></div> <div> <B>measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real </B></div> <div> <B>basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or </B></div> <div> <B>lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The air head bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen </B></div> <div> <B>seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before </B></div> <div> <B>replying, "Jenny!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he </B></div> <div> <B>asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"Oh, that!" replies the air head," I was just running through </B></div> <div> <B>that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, </B></div> <div> <B>happy birthday dear...'"</B></div> <div> <B> <IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> </B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> MILO AND BUD</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Milo passed away and Bud called 911. The 911 operator told </B></div> <div> <B>Bud that she would send someone out right away. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"Where do you live?" asked the operator.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Bud replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>There was a long pause and finally Bud said, "How 'bout if I </B></div> <div> <B>drag 'er over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> <IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> </B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> MONEY</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>It can buy a House - But not a Home</B></div> <div> <B>It can buy a Bed - But not Sleep</B></div> <div> <B>It can buy a Clock - But not Time</B></div> <div> <B>It can buy you a Book - But not Knowledge</B></div> <div> <B>It can buy you a Position - But not Respect</B></div> <div> <B>It can buy you Medicine - But not Health</B></div> <div> <B>It can buy you Blood - But not Life</B></div> <div> <B>It can buy you a wife - But not Love</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So you see money isn't everything.</B></div> <div> <B>And it often causes pain and suffering.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So I tell you all this because you are all my close Friends,</B></div> <div> <B>and as your Friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So send me ALL your money and I will suffer for you.</B></div> <div> <B>Cash only please.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> <IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> DOG FOR SALE</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> A man tried to sell his dog to a neighbor...</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"This is a talking dog," said the man, "and he's yours for only five bucks."</B></div> <div> <B>"I don't believe you," said the neighbor, "There's no such thing as a talking dog!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Just then, the dog looked up dolefully and said: "Please buy me, sir.</B></div> <div> <B>This man has been cruel to me. He never takes me for a walk, he buys me the cheapest dog food</B></div> <div> <B>and he makes me sleep in the garage. He doesn't realize what a special dog I am.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I swam the Atlantic two years ago, and went to the North Pole before that."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"You're right!" said the neighbor, "This dog can talk.</B></div> <div> <B>So why are you selling him so cheap?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The owner replied: "Because I'm sick of his lies!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> DRINKING AGAIN?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender </B></div> <div> <B>finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to </B></div> <div> <B>leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more </B></div> <div> <B>time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get </B></div> <div> <B>some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he </B></div> <div> <B>decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at </B></div> <div> <B>the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He </B></div> <div> <B>crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he </B></div> <div> <B>reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time </B></div> <div> <B>he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right </B></div> <div> <B>into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the </B></div> <div> <B>pillow.</B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over </B></div> <div> <B>him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" </B></div> <div> <B>"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent </B></div> <div> <B>look. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> MONKEYING AROUND</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and</B></div> <div> <B> passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little</B></div> <div> <B> monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed</B></div> <div> <B> car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you</B></div> <div> <B> could talk." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can</B></div> <div> <B> understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "Well, did you see this?" </B></div> <div> <B> "Yes," motioned the monkey. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "What happened?" </B></div> <div> <B> The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "They were drinking?" asked the officer. </B></div> <div> <B> The monkey shakes his head "Yes." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "What else?" </B></div> <div> <B> The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "They were smoking marijuana?" </B></div> <div> <B> The monkey shakes his head "Yes." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "What else?" </B></div> <div> <B> The monkey motioned "kissing." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. </B></div> <div> <B> The monkey shakes his head "Yes." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before</B></div> <div> <B> they wrecked." </B></div> <div> <B> The monkey shakes his head "Yes." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> "What were you doing during all this?" </B></div> <div> <B> "Driving" motioned the monkey.</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> WANT A PEANUT ?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend </B></div> <div> <B>with him. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts </B></div> <div> <B>eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them </B></div> <div> <B>off. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, </B></div> <div> <B>"Thanks for the peanuts."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the </B></div> <div> <B>chocolate off them."</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <A HREF="funnies_pg_5.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.5"><U><B><IMG SRC="4ea64200.gif" border=0 width="100" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B> </B></div> </td> </tr></table></body>