Funnies Pg.5

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0><script> (function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i['GoogleAnalyticsObject']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){ (i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o), m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m) })(window,document,'script','//www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js','ga'); ga('create', 'UA-47423994-1', 'fortunecity.ws'); ga('send', 'pageview'); </script> <center> <br> <div> <script language="javascript" type="text/javascript" src="http://ad.broadcaststation.net/ads/show_ad.php?width=728&height=90"></script> </div> </center> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=100 BGCOLOR="#111111" TEXT="#F7F7FF" bgproperties="fixed" background="6aa43643.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FF9900" FACE="Arial" ><B>Bill's Funnies  </B></FONT> <B> </B><B>|    </B><B> </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Bills Funnies "><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id114.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="God Bless The U.S.A."><U>God Bless The U.S.A.</U></A>   |   <A HREF="funnies_pg_1.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.1"><U>Funnies Pg.1</U></A>   |   <A HREF="funnies_pg_2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.2"><U>Funnies Pg.2</U></A>   |   <A HREF="funnies_pg_3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.3"><U>Funnies Pg.3</U></A>   |   <A HREF="funnies_pg_4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.4"><U>Funnies Pg.4</U></A>   |   Funnies Pg.5   |   <A HREF="funnies_pg_6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.6"><U>Funnies Pg.6</U></A>   |   <A HREF="funnies_pg_7.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.7"><U>Funnies Pg.7</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id106.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Blonde Funnies"><U>Blonde Funnies</U></A>   |   <A HREF="points_to_ponder.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Points to ponder"><U>Points to ponder</U></A>   |   <A HREF="eye_chart.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Eye Chart "><U>Eye Chart </U></A>   |   <A HREF="id110.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Play Checkers"><U>Play Checkers</U></A>   |   <A HREF="redneck_jokes.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Redneck Jokes"><U>Redneck Jokes</U></A>   |   <A HREF="funny_pic_s_1.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 1"><U>Funny Pic's 1</U></A>   |   <A HREF="funny_pic_s_2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 2"><U>Funny  Pic's  2</U></A>   |   <A HREF="funny_pic_s_3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 3"><U>Funny Pic's 3</U></A>   |   <A HREF="e_greetings.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Send EGreetings"><U>Send E-Greetings</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id107.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Awards"><U>Awards</U></A>   |   <A HREF="links.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Other Site Links"><U>Other Site Links</U></A>   |   <A HREF="contact_me.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Me"><U>Contact Me</U></A>   |   <A HREF="headline_news.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Headline News"><U>Headline News</U></A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=190 BGCOLOR="#CCFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="21164643.jpg"> <div> <B> <embed src="HTMLobj-1707/BOOGIE_WOOGIE.mid" autostart="true" loop="true" hidden="true">  </B></div> <div> <B>Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.</B></div> <div> <B>Proverbs 22:6</B></div> <div> <B>      <IMG SRC="67e56820.gif" border=0 width="86" height="130" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=380 BGCOLOR="#CCFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="21164643.jpg"> <div> Funnies Pg.5</div> <bR> <div> <B>                                   <IMG SRC="67d4a7d0.gif" border=0 width="74" height="125" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">  <IMG SRC="6ad49790.gif" border=0 width="73" height="121" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">  <IMG SRC="6ae49790.gif" border=0 width="73" height="121" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">  THE ACCIDENT</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Farmer John decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough</B></div> <div> <B>to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer</B></div> <div> <B>John. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" said</B></div> <div> <B>the lawyer. Farmer John responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I</B></div> <div> <B>had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer</B></div> <div> <B>the question."  "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, you</B></div> <div> <B>were fine?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Farmer John said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I</B></div> <div> <B>was driving down the road..."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to</B></div> <div> <B>establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told</B></div> <div> <B>the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine.  Now several weeks after</B></div> <div> <B>the accident he is trying to sue my client."  I believe he is a fraud.</B></div> <div> <B>Please tell him to simply answer the question."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer John's answer</B></div> <div> <B>and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his</B></div> <div> <B>favorite mule Bessie."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>John thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just</B></div> <div> <B>loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her</B></div> <div> <B>down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop</B></div> <div> <B>sign and smacked my truck right in the side.  I was thrown into one</B></div> <div> <B>ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and</B></div> <div> <B>didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and</B></div> <div> <B>groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.</B></div> <div> <B>Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He</B></div> <div> <B>could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After</B></div> <div> <B>he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.</B></div> <div> <B>Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and</B></div> <div> <B>looked at me."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How</B></div> <div> <B>are you feeling?"</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>(I think this one needs an intro, so you won't be lost at the  </B></div> <div> <B>beginning. This man was in an accident (work accident, not car  </B></div> <div> <B>accident), so he fills out an insurance claim; the insurance contacts</B></div> <div> <B>him and asks for more information. This is his response. )</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>    I am writing in response to your request for additional </B></div> <div> <B>information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I </B></div> <div> <B>put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your </B></div> <div> <B>letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following </B></div> <div> <B>detail will be sufficient.  I am an amateur radio operator and on the </B></div> <div> <B>day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my </B></div> <div> <B>new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered </B></div> <div> <B>that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up </B></div> <div> <B>about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry </B></div> <div> <B>the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to </B></div> <div> <B>lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which </B></div> <div> <B>fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.  </B></div> <div> <B>    Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and</B></div> <div> <B>loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to </B></div> <div> <B>the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow </B></div> <div> <B>decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number </B></div> <div> <B>11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.  </B></div> <div> <B>Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I </B></div> <div> <B>lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless </B></div> <div> <B>to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the </B></div> <div> <B>tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming </B></div> <div> <B>down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. </B></div> <div> <B>Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping </B></div> <div> <B>until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the </B></div> <div> <B>pulley.</B></div> <div> <B>     Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of</B></div> <div> <B>mind and was able to hold onto the rope in-spite-of my pain. At </B></div> <div> <B>approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the </B></div> <div> <B>ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight </B></div> <div> <B>of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I </B></div> <div> <B>refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might </B></div> <div> <B>imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the </B></div> <div> <B>vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This </B></div> <div> <B>accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs </B></div> <div> <B>and lower body.  The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough </B></div> <div> <B>to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and </B></div> <div> <B>fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, </B></div> <div> <B>however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand </B></div> <div> <B>and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my </B></div> <div> <B>presence of mind. I let go of the rope. </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">  GOT ANY GRAPES?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So this duck walks into a bar, waddles up to the front of the bar, </B></div> <div> <B>looks at the bartender and says, "hey bartender, got any grapes? "The </B></div> <div> <B>bartender says, "No, I don't have any grapes.  This is a bar, we </B></div> <div> <B>serve liquor, not fruit"  So the duck leaves. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The next day the same duck walks into the same bar, waddles up to the</B></div> <div> <B>front and says to the bartender, "hey bartender, got any grapes? "The</B></div> <div> <B>bartender says, "I told you yesterday, we don't have any grapes. This</B></div> <div> <B>is a bar, not a fruit stand"  So the duck leaves. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The next day the same duck walks into the bar again, waddles up to the</B></div> <div> <B>front of the bar, and  says to the bartender, "hey bartender, got any</B></div> <div> <B>grapes?"  By now the bartender is really annoyed with this stupid duck</B></div> <div> <B>asking for grapes, so he says, "No, I don't have any grapes and if you</B></div> <div> <B>ask me again, I'll nail your beak to the bar."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The next day the same duck walks into that same bar, waddles right up</B></div> <div> <B>to the front of the bar, looks at the bartender and says, "hey</B></div> <div> <B>bartender, got any nails?"  The bartender says, "no" and the duck says</B></div> <div> <B>"good, got any grapes?"</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">  BEANS, BEANS, GOOD FOR THE HEART...</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for</B></div> <div> <B>baked beans.  He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them.  But</B></div> <div> <B>they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after</B></div> <div> <B>eating them.  The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and</B></div> <div> <B>terrible to behold.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>     One day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it became apparent</B></div> <div> <B>that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and</B></div> <div> <B>humiliated by his addiction to baked beans.  He decided to make the</B></div> <div> <B>supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans.  A short time later</B></div> <div> <B>they were married.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>     Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down.</B></div> <div> <B>He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk</B></div> <div> <B>the rest of the way.  He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call</B></div> <div> <B>his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper.  As he entered the</B></div> <div> <B>cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him.  He still had several miles</B></div> <div> <B>to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching</B></div> <div> <B>home.  Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans.</B></div> <div> <B>Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt.  Every step he took produced a sound not unlike someone ripping a piece of canvas.  As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>     Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside</B></div> <div> <B>and was seized with a terrible urgency.  As he waited just outside his</B></div> <div> <B>front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door.  She</B></div> <div> <B>excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise</B></div> <div> <B>dinner for you."  She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head</B></div> <div> <B>of the table.  Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone</B></div> <div> <B>rang.  She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to</B></div> <div> <B>answer the phone.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>     When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to</B></div> <div> <B>one leg and loudly broke wind.  It was not only loud, but as ripe as a</B></div> <div> <B>rotten egg.  He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began</B></div> <div> <B>to fan the air about him.  He just started feeling better when he felt</B></div> <div> <B>another urge.  He again raised one leg and let her rip.  It sounded like a</B></div> <div> <B>tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging.  He fanned until his arms</B></div> <div> <B>ached.  Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another</B></div> <div> <B>powerful urge.  He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go.  This</B></div> <div> <B>was the prize-winner.  The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook</B></div> <div> <B>and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>     While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued</B></div> <div> <B>like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his</B></div> <div> <B>napkin.  When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone</B></div> <div> <B>conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on</B></div> <div> <B>top of it.  Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his</B></div> <div> <B>wife returned to the room.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>     Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked.  After</B></div> <div> <B>assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the</B></div> <div> <B>DINNER GUEST seated around the table for his SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY!!</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> BLONDE'S REVENGE</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that</B></div> <div> <B>the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn". </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour,</B></div> <div> <B>he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE NEW PASTOR</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Pastor Jim was called to pastor a large Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas. He had been pastoring a middle sized church in Minnesota and arrived on a Monday in San Antonio. He was greeted warmly and moved into the parsonage and his first official meeting was on Tuesday evening with his deacons. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"Brothers, I am interested in getting to know you and request your help in doing this by meeting here at the church Saturday morning at 8:00. While in Minnesota, I learned to enjoy bungie jumping and I felt it would be nice to have fellowship down at that high bridge over the Medina River. I will make a jump and show you how it's done and perhaps you may like to try it also." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Saturday morning the deacons were all at the church and got into the church van and headed to the Medina River. Once they arrived, the group went to the bridge and observed a Mexican American family having a reunion below. At that Pastor Jim said, "I don't think it will be a real</B></div> <div> <B>problem, I know the stretch on the cord and I will tie it off so we won't disturb that family." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Pastor Jim tied off the cord, put on his harness and climbed to the top of the hand rail, and with that he jumped. As he got close to the bottom a huge cloud of dust arose with a bunch of gleeful laughter and shouts. Suddenly he arose and yelled, "HELP!!" The deacons reached out for</B></div> <div> <B>him but missed. Again Pastor Jim went down and again a huge cloud of dust, laughter, and screams arose. As Pasor Jim came back up, all eight deacons reached out and grabbed him. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>When he stood once again firmly on the bridge he asked, "What is a Pinata"? </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">  REDNECK COMUTER</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>You Know the computer belongs to a Redneck if....</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>  1.The mouse is referred to as a "critter."</B></div> <div> <B>  2.The keyboard is camouflaged.</B></div> <div> <B>  3.There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.</B></div> <div> <B>  4.There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.</B></div> <div> <B>  5.The password is, "bubba."</B></div> <div> <B>  6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six.</B></div> <div> <B>  7.Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.</B></div> <div> <B>  8.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't </B></div> <div> <B>    read too fast.</B></div> <div> <B>  9.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts </B></div> <div> <B>    installed in them.</B></div> <div> <B> 10.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, </B></div> <div> <B>    and Old Milwaukee options.</B></div> <div> <B> 11.Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.</B></div> <div> <B> 12.The monitor is up on blocks.</B></div> <div> <B> 13.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.</B></div> <div> <B> 14.Deer jerky in the desk drawer.</B></div> <div> <B> 15.The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with</B></div> <div> <B>    dueling banjos playing in the background.</B></div> <div> <B> 16.The six front keys have rotted out.</B></div> <div> <B> 17.John Deer Pocket Protectors.</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">  "FOWL" MOUTH</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *very* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">  THE PEARLY GATES</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A man arrives at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the fellow's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"How current is your copy?" he asks. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a big gang harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-6, 280 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, they formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"About three minutes ago." </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> YOU THOUGHT YOU HEARD WHAT I THINK I SAID</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"No, you idiot !" the man shouts. "This is her husband !" </B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="funnies_pg_6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.6"><U><B><IMG SRC="4ea64200.gif" border=0 width="100" height="32" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>