Funnies Pg.6
<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0><script> (function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i['GoogleAnalyticsObject']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){ (i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o), m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m) })(window,document,'script','//www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js','ga'); ga('create', 'UA-47423994-1', 'fortunecity.ws'); ga('send', 'pageview'); </script> <center> <br> <div> <script language="javascript" type="text/javascript" src="http://ad.broadcaststation.net/ads/show_ad.php?width=728&height=90"></script> </div> </center> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=100 BGCOLOR="#FFCCFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="6bf42643.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FF9900" FACE="Arial" ><B>Bill's Funnies </B></FONT> <B> </B><B>| </B><B> </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Bills Funnies "><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id114.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="God Bless The U.S.A."><U>God Bless The U.S.A.</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funnies_pg_1.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.1"><U>Funnies Pg.1</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funnies_pg_2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.2"><U>Funnies Pg.2</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funnies_pg_3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.3"><U>Funnies Pg.3</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funnies_pg_4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.4"><U>Funnies Pg.4</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funnies_pg_5.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.5"><U>Funnies Pg.5</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT>Funnies Pg.6<FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funnies_pg_7.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.7"><U>Funnies Pg.7</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="id106.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Blonde Funnies"><U>Blonde Funnies</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="points_to_ponder.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Points to ponder"><U>Points to ponder</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="eye_chart.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Eye Chart "><U>Eye Chart </U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="id110.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Play Checkers"><U>Play Checkers</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="redneck_jokes.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Redneck Jokes"><U>Redneck Jokes</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funny_pic_s_1.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 1"><U>Funny Pic's 1</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funny_pic_s_2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 2"><U>Funny Pic's 2</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="funny_pic_s_3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funny Pics 3"><U>Funny Pic's 3</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="e_greetings.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Send EGreetings"><U>Send E-Greetings</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="id107.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Awards"><U>Awards</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="links.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Other Site Links"><U>Other Site Links</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="contact_me.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Me"><U>Contact Me</U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FF33CC" FACE="Arial" > | </FONT><A HREF="headline_news.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Headline News"><U>Headline News</U></A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=190 BGCOLOR="#CCFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="21164643.jpg"> <div> <B><!-- Start Gem Sound Web Gem --> <embed src="HTMLobj-1735/LaBamba.mid" autostart="true" loop="true" hidden="true"> <!-- End Gem Sound Web Gem --> </B></div> <div> <B>A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.</B></div> <div> <B>Proverbs 29:11</B></div> <div> <B> <IMG SRC="6cd70540.gif" border=0 width="112" height="84" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=380 BGCOLOR="#CCFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="21164643.jpg"> <div> Funnies Pg.6</div> <div> <B> <IMG SRC="6cbaba30.gif" border=0 width="171" height="163" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE PRIEST AND THE RABBI</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police." </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE PSYCHIC HOTLINE</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class." </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> FLYING BLIND</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines! </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE SURGEON</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>An architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car to be repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking, and the talk turned to their lines of work. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"You know, doctor," said the architect, "I sometimes believe this type of work is as complicated as the work we do." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it while the engine is running." </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE ROBBER</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of </B></div> <div> <B>a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. </B></div> <div> <B>"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes </B></div> <div> <B>the TV. Again, the parrot cries out. </B></div> <div> <B>"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little </B></div> <div> <B>worried. </B></div> <div> <B>"What's your name, birdie?" </B></div> <div> <B>"Moses." </B></div> <div> <B>"What dummy named you Moses?" </B></div> <div> <B>"The same dummy who named his rottweiler Jesus." </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6821c1c0.gif" border=0 width="28" height="28" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> BLONDE ICE FISHING</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on </B></div> <div> <B>the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools </B></div> <div> <B>together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her </B></div> <div> <B>comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of </B></div> <div> <B>Cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the</B></div> <div> <B>heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of </B></div> <div> <B>the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice </B></div> <div> <B>came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord? The voice </B></div> <div> <B>replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!" </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE BLONDE 'HANDY WOMAN'</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself as a </B></div> <div> <B>'handy-woman', and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he </B></div> <div> <B>had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he </B></div> <div> <B>said. "How much will you charge me?" </B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>The blonde, after looking about, responded,"How about $50? The man </B></div> <div> <B>agreed, and told her that the paint and other material that she might </B></div> <div> <B>need were in the garage. </B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her </B></div> <div> <B>husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the </B></div> <div> <B>house?" </B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>The man replied, "she should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's </B></div> <div> <B>dumb? </B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>"No.... I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' </B></div> <div> <B>jokes e-mails we've been receiving". </B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. </B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>"You're finished already?" the husband asked. </B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>"Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two </B></div> <div> <B>coats". </B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00. </B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus. </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE VET</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A man takes his dog into the vet and says, "Doc, there is something wrong with my dog". </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The vet examines the dog and says, "Sir, I hate to inform you of this but your dog is dead". </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The man exclaims, "That can't be. Is there another test you can run?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The vet tells the man to hold on for a moment and steps out of the office. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The vet returns with a Labrador Retriever. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The Labrador circled around the dog, stiffing, and then stopped at the vet's feet, looked up to the ceiling and shook his head in a yes motion. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The vet said, "Sir, your dog is dead." </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The man said, "That cannot be, is there another test you can run?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The vet complied and left the office again.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>He came back into the office with a cat. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The cat circled around the dog, stiffing and then stopped at the vet's feet, looked up to the ceiling and shook his head in a yes motion.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The vet replied, "Sir, your dog is dead." The man was simply devastated. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>He could not believe that his companion of 15 years was gone. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Finally the man looked at the vet and asked him,"How much do I owe you?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The vet replied,"$600.00" "Six hundred dollars!!!??????", the man replied. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The vet replied,"My fee is only $50 but it costs $550 for the lab test and the cat scan. </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE NEW BOSS</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.</B></div> <div> <B>This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.</B></div> <div> <B>The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to</B></div> <div> <B>show everyone he means business!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The CEO, walks up the guy and asks -</B></div> <div> <B>"and how much money do you make a week?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,</B></div> <div> <B>"I make $200.00 a week. Why?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - </B></div> <div> <B>"here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room</B></div> <div> <B>and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - </B></div> <div> <B>"Pizza delivery guy".</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE GRADUATE</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so </B></div> <div> <B>excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a </B></div> <div> <B>taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>"I'm the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I </B></div> <div> <B>just can't wait to go out there and see what the world </B></div> <div> <B>has in store for me."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, </B></div> <div> <B>"Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1949."</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> THE REUNION</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.</B></div> <div> <B>"Why, of course," comes the reply.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"</B></div> <div> <B>"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.</B></div> <div> <B>The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"</B></div> <div> <B>"Dublin," comes the reply.</B></div> <div> <B>"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"</B></div> <div> <B>"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."</B></div> <div> <B>"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.</B></div> <div> <B>"What's up?" he asks the bartender.</B></div> <div> <B>"Nothing much," replied the bartender...</B></div> <div> <B>"The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="110901e0.gif" border=0 width="400" height="30" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="17510100.gif" border=0 width="16" height="16" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> Redneck Family Tree</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow </B></div> <div> <B> who was pretty as could be.</B></div> <div> <B> This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell </B></div> <div> <B> in love with her and soon the two were wed. </B></div> <div> <B> This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. </B></div> <div> <B> My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. </B></div> <div> <B> To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.</B></div> <div> <B> I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my</B></div> <div> <B> uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that</B></div> <div> <B> also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who,</B></div> <div> <B> of course, was my stepmother. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he</B></div> <div> <B> became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now</B></div> <div> <B> my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is</B></div> <div> <B> my wife, She's my grandma too.</B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B> If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I</B></div> <div> <B> think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The</B></div> <div> <B> strangest case you ever saw. </B></div> <div> <B> As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!! </B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="funnies_pg_7.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Funnies Pg.7"><U><B><IMG SRC="8576d230.gif" border=0 width="109" height="35" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> </td> </tr></table></body>