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I'm Almost
There
BY JUNE WILSON
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CHAPTER ONE
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The decision to leave home and family in Scotland was not made lightly. Although the unknown of Canada seemed romantic and exciting, we realized we would be isolating ourselves from all the things we held dear, our parents, our siblings and our friends. I had never strayed very far from my family, even to the point of making my marriage home with my parents. Not unusual for a youngest daughter to do in Glasgow of the 1960's.
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Life was so uncomplicated in my parents home. My mother was always on hand if problems arose. I often wondered why other young wives and mothers fussed so. According to my friends I was the luckiest of young women, I had an adoring husband, a beautiful healthy child, and financial security. What more could I want?
Whatever it was that was missing from my life I'd find in Canada. Canada was going to change my life. It did!
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�CHAPTER TWO
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Had I been a good mother? Had I been a bad wife? Believing I had failed miserably at the two things I was put on earth for did nothing for my self esteem. Working in the hospitality industry made it easy for me to have "a few drinks" after work and after a while it became a habit. How I hated going home to an empty house with just my pets for comfort. Don't get me wrong, I think dogs and cats are great companions but they can't hold you and tell you you're not alone.
I was still attractive according to men, but could they overlook my imperfections? Perhaps if I became more desirable it would help? At the most vulnerable point in my life I was caught in the trap that many women find themselves in. I honestly believed that my worth as a person depended on my ability to be sexually attractive and procreate. And so began my search for love and approval.
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CHAPTER THREE
The thought of suicide had crossed my mind from time to time. But I loved life too much. Thank God for the couple I call my Canadian parents, they were always there when I felt the need to retreat. My own parents were in Scotland and new nothing of the turmoil I was in. My letters told them everything was wonderful. I felt my parents were enduring their own hell with the loss of a beloved grandchild.
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Two things turned my life around. My writing and my work with the unemployed.
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Until I became a peer counselor for the Penticton Unemployment Action Center I only wrote of my own pain. When I began writing about the grief and pain of others I began to feel anger. Anger at myself for wasting my life over things I could do nothing to change, and anger at the suffering I was witnessing, caused by conditions that could be changed.
My complete involvement in this project left no time for self pity or loneliness.
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CHAPTER FOUR
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When I stopped seeking approval, I found it. When I stopped searching for love it was all around me. I have many loving friends.
Loneliness, who used to be my enemy has become solitude, my friend. I know who I am and think I'm all right. I regret not getting to know myself sooner.
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CHAPTER FIVE
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People remark on how much I've changed over the years. I certainly have a lot more self confidence. I still seek approval on occasion. Not so much approval, but confirmation that my decisions will not affect others adversely. I have not desire to inflict pain on others.
Apart from my new found confidence I'm still the same person laugh and cry, have strengths and weaknesses. I have regrets understand now that my life lies ahead of me , not in the past still take time to reminisce but I no longer dwell on what might have been, only what can be.
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CHAPTER SIX
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This final chapter deals with all the things that make me laugh. Oddly enough, some of these same things used to make me cringe in fear. I'm 60 years old and acquiring all the things that go along with aging, but I've never felt more alive, more attractive or more at peace with myself.
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I'll never understand why a woman's looks or the size and shape of her breasts has any bearing on her worth as a person. I spent most of my teenage years stuffing toilet paper down my older sisters bra (that I was wearing) just so as I'd look like a "real woman". I weighed around 90lbs and wore a tight fitting girdle. I seldom wear a bra these days, not to make any kind of statement but simply because I find it more comfortable.
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I bought myself a 1960 Buick Riviera a few years ago much to the surprise of my friends. I explained that I had felt an immediate affinity with the car when I saw it. It was a classy older model, needed a little paint and body work, but had a lot of miles left in it.
That's me!!
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�I grew up believing
The world was mine to take
I lived in a cocoon of love
My world a tranquil lake
I met a man and fell in love
And we produced a child
How simple things were way back then
On me, the Heavens smiled
Then came the day we sailed away
To a home across the sea
Ambition burning in my soul
I left my family
It didn't take to long to know
That outside the cocoon
The cruel world was waiting
To destroy my safe balloon
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For years, the Reaper dogged my steps
Lurking ever near
Laughing at my helplessness
Feeding on my fear
I'd never let him take my child
No matter what the cost
My marriage lay in ruins
My heart was turned to frost
The battle lasted many years
Until his sickle fell
The Reaper won
I lost my son
And saw inside of Hell
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My childish dreams are shattered
I look through knowing eyes
Inside there is an iceberg
I keep it cloaked in lies
Sometimes I feel the ice will melt
I drop my guard awhile
But it only lasts a moment
Till I recall the Reapers smile
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�Perhaps if I'd been happy
With the life I had before
Perhaps if I had never sailed
To far off distant shores
Perhaps if I had been content
To simply do their will
And not explore my inner self
I'd have my baby still
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Perhaps I'm being punished
For always wanting more
For thinking there was more to life
Needing to explore
To search for the identity
I felt would set me free
Perhaps this is the price I paid
For wanting to be me
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TO GARY WITH LOVE
My newborn babe
So soft so warm
My being is filled with joy
I'll protect you from all harm I vow
My precious baby boy
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You're walking now
How smart you are
More clever than the rest
You'll be a doctor, no a King
Whatever, you'll be best
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At school you're so popular
With a charm that's plain to see
But a dreadful feeling fills my heart
Dear God! Don't let it be
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My life is ashes
I can't go on
I must find the strength within
There is no god!
I know that now
As the pain filled years begin
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I'm filled with hate
You're filled with love
As your body wastes each day
I can't accept life's cruelty
But you, you've found a way
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You laugh, you sing
Your contented heart
Belies your crippled frame
You walk through meadows in your mind
You join in every game
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I need your strength
Please take my hand
And lead me down the road
Our role's reversed
Now I'm the child
You have the heavy load
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It's over now
You taught me well
I'm stronger in every way
I'll always miss you darling son
But we'll meet again some day
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Muscular Dystrophy (MD) is a slow deterioration of the muscles and does not necessarily affect the brain. It is sometimes confused with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) because of the similarity in initials.
MS affects the nervous system and MD affects the muscles.
My son was very bright and hated to be thought of as otherwise simply because he was confined to a wheelchair. He one time said to me "I wish people would ask me what?s wrong with me instead of assuming I?m retarded".
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When you look at me I wish you'd see
Not the twisted trunk of a withered tree
But an active mind that wanders free
Free of the chains that imprison me
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I dance with beauties dark and fair
I conquer mountains because they?re there
I witness joys beyond compare
While my body sits in a wheelchair
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You do not mean to be unkind
If you'd stop and chat then you would find
My body's crippled but not my mind
And I'm thankful they are not entwined
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My world is full of wondrous thing
For I know not what tomorrow brings
I may find a grove of fairy rings
Or float away on Angel?s wings
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Chapter two
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Had I been a good mother? Had I been a bad wife? Believing I had failed miserably at the two things I was put on earth for did nothing for my self esteem. I was still attractive according to men but could they overlook my imperfections? Perhaps if I became more desirable it would help? At the most vulnerable point in my life I was caught in the trap that many women find themselves in. I honestly believed that my worth as a person depended on my ability to be sexually attractive and procreate. And so began my search for love and approval.
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He told me I was beautiful
How happy I should be
But does beauty change thing?
I know it can?t for me
He thinks I?m cute and funny
I always make him smile
I think I make him happy
If only for a while
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He told me of his inner fears
His hopes. his needs, his dreams
Alas I cannot fill them
It?s fated so it seems
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That I can only be to him
A lover and a friend
A casual encounter
That must come to an end
On the day he meets that special one
With whom he?ll share his life
She?ll bare the babes he longs for
when he makes her his wife
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Foolish Heart
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Oh foolish heart don?t start again
I see him standing there
Stop your crazy pounding
I told you I don?t care
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Dear heart, why won?t you listen
when I say I must forget?
You promised you?d be helpful
But you?re soaring like a jet
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Just because he glanced my way
You burst into song
You?re a beating contradiction
I swear to you you?re wrong
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I no longer care for him
He never cared for me
A short but sweet diversion
That?s all it was you see
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You?re calmer now he?s leaving
Without a word to me
The day you stop reacting
Is the day I will be free
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