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Off the Top of My Head
The home page of this Psycho-Babble.
Off the Top of My Head, Vol. V #1
Click to view the first "Rant" that ran from 6/4/98 through 7/1/98 at the top of Michael's Tripod Homepage. Witness Michael's comments about his page, a little bit about people he knows, and see him mocking that after five years his decision to relearn HTML!
Off the Top of My Head, Vol. V #2
The second rant, still "BEFORE" Michael decided to rename it the internet version of "Off the Top of My Head". Witness Michael's psycho-babble about absoultely NOTHING! WOO!
Off the Top of My Head, Vol. V #3
The first official "Off the Top of My Head" on the internet. Oddly enough, the people Michael knows only FROM the internet have offered MONEY for psychiatric treatment after this rant. Wow.
Off the Top of My Head, Vol. V #4
This sucks, don't click. But the whole point of OTTOMH (sucking or not) is to log all of the thoughts you have, even if they're unemotional and nothing. Alas... Michael hopes to God that he never has to force you all to endure another piece of schlock like this... really.
Off the Top of My Head, Vol. V #5
Oh my God! They'll kill Michael... some people might have after this, anywayz...
Off the Top of My Head, Vol. V #6 Off the Top of My Head, Vol. V #7 Off the Top of My Head, Vol. V #8
The current Off the Top of My Head. Michael talks about his defiance and work... or something
It's what you're reading RIGHT now! Sure to be a classic--- or something: Michael babbles endlessly, but also has plans to rehash all the bullshit and the... gasp--- BETRAYAL! ooooo... aaaaaa... Don't expect him to talk of ANY of this again as Michael tends to block things out... hmmm
Next up? Who knows what thoughts I'll have in my sick demented mind... if you care to know --- READ and give my sorry ass FEEDBACK...
Off the Top of My Head
--------------------Vol. V
#7
8/10/98
---------------------
Guess who's back? Yes, me... And quickly too... that means what? I have SOMETHING TO TALK about. Yes, after I figured out I had TWO subjects FAR too bulky to talk about in ONE of these little rants. So, today... I'm going to try to be fairly to the point, or rather as "to the point" as I can be. =) Yesterday I ran about saying this was a must read for people who have/will/do know me and the lot, and frankly--- it is. Today, I'm going to TRY to keep the small little inklings and small little bitches to a minium, and talk mostly on a subject that has plagued my life since the teenage years... that subject being BETRAYAL. I'm not going to do as I originally thought and touch on almost every bit of it... but rather, I'm going to stick with the ones involving interpersonal relationships and more importantly... the sin that is the opposite sex. Hell, why did they have to be so damn wonderful?!? HUH!?!? HUH!?!!?...
Sorry... [gasp] that break again. Wow... now, females can tend to do some pretty fucked up things to males they know, and myself and my friends are no exception. Now, before I go ANY further, many of the items I will rehash here today, August 10th, 1998 will be the LAST time I rehash them as I have no desire to bring back old pain, problems, or greivances. That aside, I'm going to start back just before the end of the days of Middle School. The days where Will Evans and Linda Nguyen were an item (wow... that WAS a Looonnng time ago... just ask Laura Kline during this, which was blamed as an attempt to HURT Josh... hell, it was only months later that a rumor began and Laura's sexuality was QUESTIONED because of the bullshit that began in late 1997. Seeing as how I don't SHARE information like this, even to myself (odd...), I'm going to pick and chose what I say, simply because it's still public forum. I think when I saw the debut of Starship Troopers with Josh and his dad I knew the friendship was on the way out (11/7)... I spent my time cracking jokes and harping on that damn red head (who dies! WHY!?!? I mean, the chick throwing herself to everyone LIVES but the GOOD chick dies? WTF?!?... okay.... sorry...) and afterwards I get this wonderful screaming involving me getting off at movies or something. It was really uplifitng and enlightening and if I, today, managed to get a hold of a tape of things said a little over a year ago, who knows... I might find there shoots at me even that much more hilarious. Now, there is a rule of life that I have that I believe EVERYONE in some SHAPE, FORM, or FASHION should live by--- and I hardly try to TELL people my views are concrete and godlike, but this seems to be best... never mix relationships. You need to seperate your relationships with your friends and girlfriends or boyfriends (I haven't had any of THOSE yet and don't PLAN to... contrary to other rumors... and yes, I do have a penis to clear up yet ANOTHER...) in order to survive. You can't always rely on the opinions, ideas, and views of a person important in your life--- otherwise you allow them to RUN your life. And that's exactly what happened here. Friends turned on me faster than a Bill Goldberg wrestling match (damn, I really TRIED to not mention wrestling this time... I swear...). Kristina, Josh, Amanda, Ginny, even Tim seemed to turn their noses and decide Michael was....drumroll please [drumroll] the Scum of the Universe! ... truth or not, I watched friends and acquaintances alike turn away... and perhaps the greatest loss was my friend... two down. Now, I've lost and gained friends since (I always seem to get betrayed after creating a clique and then left to start a new one... for reasons I may NEVER know... the Canella-Gridley, Josh-Amanda, Brendan-Jacob, amongst OTHER cliques are all started and (at a time) were maintained and controlled by the very son of a wench that write this.... (me? No, I said the guy who WRITES this... geez. =) )) and Melissa was probably the biggest... Joseph was a mild deducation and gaining Minh as a friend is good... (as I, to date, still THINK I'm friends with her... hey Minh--- are we friends? ;-P) Now, betrayal always seems to be the furthest from my mind when it occurs, but if you noticed in OTTOMH #5 I hinted that the relationship I somehow managed to get into (I'm still scratching my head... really) was destined for a wreck. I _KNEW_ that Shannon was no where near over Justin and I really have no idea what my point and interaction with her was --- aside from perhaps telling ME that I'll never have any sort of worthwhile relationship--- with anyone of any sex... EVER. It's a fact, sadly... I mean, even the friendships I consider to have are fucked sideways in some form or just a weak bond. I mean, could I see myself talking to Joanne, Minh, Tim, Andrew, Orlich, Bethany, Gini, or a number of others endlessly about the trials and tribulations of life? Would they GET any of what I was saying? That seems to be most important to me... I told my friend Kris that what I was looking for also involved some sort of physical interaction... but why? As I do with Off the Top of My Heads, I take a look back at what I write weeks back, and I see what I meant and what I was doing. In this case, I wanted the physical relationship to go with the intellectual intercourse (perverts... go ahead and laugh at the phrase... bleh) so the thing I _FEAR_ most in life other than death does not occur... failure, or the act of being alone and without someone. Seeing as how I knew Shannon was NOT going to last SOMEWHERE in my mind, I guess I wanted to see if I got what I wanted if it would work... and now I don't WANT that... hell, until you have it--- you want it... another one of those odd things. Like having a pool. I would kill for a pool if I didn't have one and swim in it 24/7... however, I've had a pool in my backyard for well over six years now... and really have very little desire to go IN it without company of some sort (which for me is none), so I've been in it I believe TWICE this summer... seriously. And SUNDAY was one of those days. Wow. Now, before I get off too far on my tanget assessment of my thoughts/desires/hopeless dreams (me with any female obviously falls right about HERE ) I want to assess this "betrayal", a bit (not in grave detail, as I've sat on this topic for well over 48 hours and I'm still not QUITE certain how to approach it...). When I basically told the world a few days I go I had no desire to have the relationship I was in, I shut myself out (as I normally do). I signed my ass on the internet and literally, you have to FORCE yourself to be able to get to talk to me... I believe this has to do in some way with my WANTING to have people to WANT me or WANT to talk or do things with me, simply because how often I feel as though I'm merely a guy who "was never supposed to be there in the first place."... eventually (through that internet magic at a friends house), she broke the barrier on Saturday and we mutally agreed to break it off. R.I.P. Relationship 7/30/98 - 8/8/98... joy. However, after seemingly getting such a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders, I'm slapped in the face with indignance and plight. The Justin I mentioned mere days ago as her "probably screaming" (as a joke people... I'm [sadly] a virgin... wait... one of those words didn't belong... =P) was over her house Saturday and without parents. Judging from the information I've received as to "where she's been" (Michael has been seemingly tied to his house, not doing like--- anything. Damn, I'm a loser... =) ), her escapades were more than "just cheating"... more or less the broderline adultry level if marriage was invovled. And how SOMEONE could feel better about themselves and have "weight removed" from their shoulders following a mutal break-up when you DESTROY trust such as that is beyond me. Now to carry on a friendship with such a person makes you wonder... Where have all the trustworthy people I thought I was in contact with gone? Alas, meaningful, long, trusting relationships and friendship don't seem to be in my cards... if you're listed above and like to talk... e-mail me dammit... I could use a good person to talk to that doesn't LIVE in SEATTLE (Kris) and have a life I would want (Kris)... =) Either that, or I need to find a way to meet people I don't know... hmmm... Until next time, I await the next time one of YOU [p oints to r eaders and friends] stabs me in the back... hopefully this enlightened you a bit on who I have somehow become....
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