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Lawyer Jokes An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here,
Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going
around passing out business cards."
A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a
cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging
to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said
"Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the
meat." The lawyer said " You are correct. How much was the
meat?" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied
that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day.
The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill
attached for $150 "for legal consultation". A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the
side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A
ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road.
He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer" and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said
"Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the
road" And the priest said "Don't worry son, I got him with my
door"
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are
ASSHOLES!" A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!" So the first man asks, "Why are you a lawyer?" "NO! I'm an asshole!"
DEAR ABBEY - I HAVE A PROBLEM I have two brothers and two sisters, one
brother is a Lawyer, the other was just sentenced to death for murder. My mother died from insanity when I was young. My two sisters are prostitutes, my father sells narcotics to feed the family. Recently I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child and I want very, much to marry her, my problem is this... If I marry this girl, should I tell her
about my brother, the Lawyer? Please advise ...
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil
appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition
for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your
clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you
will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul,
your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents,
grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and
law partners." The lawyer thought about this for
a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and
hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my
Rolex???!!!!"
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to
play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellular phone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches
into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better
students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you
go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed. The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?" Witness: "Approximately milepost 499." Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?" Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and
realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He
lowers the balloon further and shouts: The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in business." "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a
party: "Try to fix it if it's big;
ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
Court scene:
Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a
job as a consultant."
A psychiatrist met a friend and
exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you see I'm alive
," smiled the friend.
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are
buried up to their neck in sand?
A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked, "The minister if he would also like a drink." The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips." The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
There was once a young lawyer, age 29, who was on his way to work when he was hit by a bus. He goes to heaven and meet's St. Peter and pleads, "I am much to young to die, there must be a mistake!". St. Peter thinks about this for a moment and goes out the back to consult with God. Ten minutes later he returns saying, "There's no mistake, according to the hours you have billed your clients, you are 176 years old".
Q. What's the difference between a
hooker & a lawyer?
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "-I know,-" he says, "they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something." They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-" At this the priest says, "-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-" Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said
the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and
couldn't see you there."
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were
driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out
to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the
farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to
sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The lawyer is standing at the gate to
Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a
Lawyer are in a train.
For three years, the young attorney had
been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd
finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward
to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! A housewife, an accountant and a
lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" |
