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Redneck Jokes
Crash Course on Etiquette/ For Rednecks!
(Puns Are Intentional)
On Driving:
When approaching a four-way stop, the
vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and
duct tape. Most consider
it unsafe, if not downright stupid...
When sending your wife down the road with
a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving
vehicle, especially while
driving.
On Personal Hygiene:
It is best to partake in some form of
personal hygiene.
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush
should never be a
hand-me-down item.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly,
this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN keys.
The same goes with biting and picking
one's toenails. And never
should one partake in this personal
endeavor at the dinner table.
While Entertaining in Your Home:
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table
. . . no matter how good
his manners are.
On Dating:
If you go fishing, always offer to bait
your date's hook, especially
on the first date.
Be aggressive yet polite. Let her know
you are interested: "I've
been wanting to go out with you since I
read that stuff on the men's
bathroom wall two years ago."
If a girl's name does not appear
regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that
the date will end in
frustration.
On Attending The Theatre:
For the best enjoyment for all, crying
babies should be taken to the
lobby and picked up immediately after the
movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the
screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
On Wedding Attendance:
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a
wedding gift.
If you are so honored to be the groom, it
is best to refrain from
bringing a date.
When dancing, never remove undergarments,
no matter how hot it is.
It's just too hard to explain...
Etiquette for All Occasions:
Never take alcohol to a job interview,
and especially don't offer it
to the interviewer.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler or
bottle to church.
Always try to identify people in your
yard before shooting them.
Even if you're certain that you are
included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive the U-Haul van in
the funeral procession.
A big-city counterfeiter decided the
best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick
Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single
store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man
behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he
said.
The store clerk looked at the $18
bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll
want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to
claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I
want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It
doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the
rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I
want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he
would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man,
screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me
my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
Q. How do you tell a Redneck virgin?
A. She can run faster than her brother!
Why do drivers education classes in
Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed
class uses it.
Q. What do you call a redneck who has a
dog and a cat?
A. Bisexual.
What does a redneck say after having
sex?
Get off me Pa its Uncle Bobs turn now.
Redneck Computer Lingo
"Hard drive" -- Trying to
climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of
fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang
your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the
truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out
of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid
of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when
you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a
kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when
the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to
provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing
you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in,
"Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do
when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in,
"I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore
fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a
suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
Signs you may be a "High-Tech"
Redneck
*If your computer has a sticker on it
that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
*If you've ever doubled the value of your
truck by installing a cellular phone
*If your wife said either the computer goes
or she goes and you still don't miss her.
*If your computer is worth more than all
your cars combined
*If you refer to your computer as "Old
Bessie"
*If your e-mails all start with "Howdy
y'all"
*If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster
to set your beer on.
*If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
*If the bumper sticker on your truck says
"my other computer is a laptop".
A young ventriloquist is touring in the
Southeast and stops to entertain in a bar in Alababma. He's going through
his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in he audience stands
and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of your
smartass hillbilly jokes--we ain't all stupid here in Alabama!!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to
apologize, when the big guy interupts him and say,"You stay out of
this mister--I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!"
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