A Long Journey

From My Heart | home

A Long Journey

Back in December 1999, I found a lump on my neck. It was about an inch wide, at the time, it hurt so bad, it was like someone hit me in the side of the face with a baseball bat. We did not have insurance at the time, so going to the doctor, was not a choice. In fact where my husband worked at the time, did not have insurance. Well time went on, it got worse & worse. It was growing. So, in February I had to make the appt. The doctor did not know what it was, but she knew what it wasn't. IT was not in the lymph nodes, or the thyroid, or any of the glands. She gave me directions, that she said might work, & she put me on an antibiotic, just in case. Well it did not work. So the instructions were to have an ultra sound, & also see an Ear nose & throat Specialist.

The doctor knew of our financial struggle, so she said if it gets worse we can then proceed, but for now wait. Well, two months went by, & yes it got worse. I knew in my heart God was taking care of it all. I knew I was in his care. I wanted so much to have God glorified thru this. As the days, turned into months, I felt like I was failing God. Doubt got real apparent in my life. Then on April 1st, the reality of death at a young age, can happen. We lost a very dear friend. He was only 39, died suddenly in his back yard, leaving on earth his wife Shelle & their two kids, Austin 6, & Alyssa 4.

My pain got worse & worse, it turned into a choking feeling. The best way to explain it, was it felt like I had a rope wrapped around my neck, in a very tight way. I lived with this pain every day, every hour , for almost 6 months. However, that was not the most painful feeling in my life then. The pain of leaving my family. Was I going to die? I would ask nightly, God how do I go thru this glorifying you? I know I am disappointing God, I was so depressed, the cancer was so real, & yet not even confirmed yet. I am here to tell you, that when the reality of cancer, truly enters your life, it changes how you react to every single situation. I started handling each day, so the kids would remember me as a positive person. As I write this, it still brings tears to my eyes, a deep cut to my heart. I want to jump to the outcome, because obviously, I am here to talk about it.

On June 7th, 2000, I went to the hospital, awaiting surgery. I was bound & determined not to let my body have another panic attack, like it did 2 years prior, with a surgery I had then. By the way, this surgery, was my 11th in my lifetime, so I was truly not strangers with operating rooms.

Well, as I said, I arrived at the hospital. I had my wonderful , very supportive husband with me. He lost his mother, just 18 moths prior, so the reality of losing a wife was too real as well. We felt all the prayers that were lifted on our behalf, from all over the country. We have friends & family from all over. The one thing, looking back that touched me, was a special man that was there from our church. His initials are Kay B. He was there for testing that day. His test was to see how far his lung cancer has spread. He was such an inspiration to me, see prior to our talk in the hospital, I did not know he had cancer. This man was a very Godly man. Oh, did you notice "was"? Well that is because in Sept., just 3 months after a very special talk, God called him home. He left an impression on me, that was so strong. To be strong, to live for God, no matter what. I can still see his smile!!

Well, it truly was a gift from God, that we got to talk before me going in. He inspired me alot. As I went in, another very special story, was unfolding. You see, I wanted so much to have God glorified. I really did. It was my goal, I needed to keep my mind off of what was happening. I thought, a wonderful way, was to play Christian music at the hospital. This was awesome. The Sunday prior, to the surgery, the Music Director at our church, announced he had his music tapes out for sale. However, the proceeds were not for him. They were to go to the World Changers of our church. World Changers are a group of youth, that travel to a predetermined city, to help people fix or paint their homes. They help out in great detail. There is more to this group, I am just telling the surface of it. Well anyway, the Holy Spirit, truly came in me & wanted me to ask for a tape, but we could not afford it that week, but, God found a way, so when the Holy Spirit talks, please listen!!! I did ask, & by the grace of God, I was able to get that tape. All of my thanks go to the heart of Randy A. & his wife Phyllis A.

I was able to take that tape with me, it was a wonderful tape.

I remember I was on the bed, with the operating gown on. I was waiting, knowing it was reality. Was I going to live or die? Were they going to have to remove part of my tongue? How serious is all this? Well, I saw nurses take a lady to the operating area, & all of a sudden it hit me, the panic button got turned on, & I was not the one that turned it on. Oh, c'mon, were my words, I do not want this to happen. But, for anyone who has gone thru a panic attack, they are real, & very uncontrollable!!!!

I took very deep breaths, saying God YOU are bigger than this thing, get satan out of here, deep breaths, my husband turned on the tape, & All of a sudden, I literally felt the feeling of panic go a way from my body. It was so amazing, it just literally lifted. I kept on listening to the tape, kept saying God , you are more powerful, & kept the deep breathing. It was so amazing. God, deserves all the praise, honor & glory!!!

I remember various other things as I waited for surgery, but the time finally came. They put me out right away.

After surgery, as I was being wheeled out, my first thought, was I made it!!! I am alive!! (I had a previous surgery, that I almost did not make it, I almost died on the operating table)

The second, thought, was do I still have my tongue? I remembered, the surgeon saying, that if he had to remove part of the tongue, then I would stay in. So, when I heard, "she is going to outpatient," I had tears in my eyes, & a huge relief in my heart. I remember, praising God, thanking Him, for the chance to continue being a Mommy to our 3 sons, & a wife to my husband, and a daughter, & a sister & a friend!!!

Recovery was difficult, I had to teach my self how to swallow again, but for the most part, I felt God's loving hands of comfort, & healing all around.

I lost 16 pounds just thru the first 2 weeks of surgery. So, I decided I was going to keep going. However I had to be careful, with what I did, as far as exercise, as the cut, is in my neck. By the way, the lump was benign, (PRAISE GOD) in order for the removal of it, muscles had to be cut, tissue had to be removed, & a part of a bone removed.

Recovery, I wanted to glorify God thru this, After 2 weeks I felt good enough to go to a water aerobics class, for arthritis, & fibromalaysia patients. This, I felt would gradually strengthen my neck, as well as other parts of me!!!

Here we are, 4 months after surgery, I have lost 46 pounds, down 5 sizes, I am in the advanced water aerobic class, & feel great. My neck is still recovering, but I am alive, I am here, & praise God, I am a new woman, well there is less of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you are facing a challenge, please do not ask why me? That just makes it harder to get thru. As you go thru, find ways that you glorify God thru it. How??? Well instead of complaining, just find a way, to give God the Glory for helping you thru that hour. Take it from me, it is hard, esp, when you think you are going to die. Pray for others in a worse situation than you. Take your kids to the park, do something outdoors. But, most importantly, in good or bad, please invite God into your life for all areas. Mostly, please talk about your feelings to someone. I thank my mother so deeply for listening to my concerns all thru this. We spent hours on long distance telephone calls talking about my feeling that day. This truly helped alot. It really did. I do not know if she knows how much it helped. She has gone thru lots of medical things in her life. She was my inspiration as well, for getting thru it, in a strong way. She is a true example, of someone being strong, thru adversity. So, please have someone to talk with. If you do not have anyone, please feel free to e-mail me, I want to help you thru.

[email protected]


	From My Heart \| home Our thinking versus God's reality \| An Over Due Thank You \| Close to You \| A Long Journey \| Erasing Boo-Boos \| Treasured Moments \| Our Sons Made Us a Meal \| They Made the Cake & Ate it Too \| Who Did This \| Vacation in History \| One of Life's Storms \| My Road to No More Fear \| Garden In My Heart \| You Are Not Alone \| More coming A Long Journey Back in December 1999, I found a lump on my neck. It was about an inch wide, at the time, it hurt so bad, it was like someone hit me in the side of the face with a baseball bat. We did not have insurance at the time, so going to the doctor, was not a choice. In fact where my husband worked at the time, did not have insurance. Well time went on, it got worse & worse. It was growing. So, in February I had to make the appt. The doctor did not know what it was, but she knew what it wasn't. IT was not in the lymph nodes, or the thyroid, or any of the glands. She gave me directions, that she said might work, & she put me on an antibiotic, just in case. Well it did not work. So the instructions were to have an ultra sound, & also see an Ear nose & throat Specialist. The doctor knew of our financial struggle, so she said if it gets worse we can then proceed, but for now wait. Well, two months went by, & yes it got worse. I knew in my heart God was taking care of it all. I knew I was in his care. I wanted so much to have God glorified thru this. As the days, turned into months, I felt like I was failing God. Doubt got real apparent in my life. Then on April 1st, the reality of death at a young age, can happen. We lost a very dear friend. He was only 39, died suddenly in his back yard, leaving on earth his wife Shelle & their two kids, Austin 6, & Alyssa 4. My pain got worse & worse, it turned into a choking feeling. The best way to explain it, was it felt like I had a rope wrapped around my neck, in a very tight way. I lived with this pain every day, every hour , for almost 6 months. However, that was not the most painful feeling in my life then. The pain of leaving my family. Was I going to die? I would ask nightly, God how do I go thru this glorifying you? I know I am disappointing God, I was so depressed, the cancer was so real, & yet not even confirmed yet. I am here to tell you, that when the reality of cancer, truly enters your life, it changes how you react to every single situation. I started handling each day, so the kids would remember me as a positive person. As I write this, it still brings tears to my eyes, a deep cut to my heart. I want to jump to the outcome, because obviously, I am here to talk about it. On June 7th, 2000, I went to the hospital, awaiting surgery. I was bound & determined not to let my body have another panic attack, like it did 2 years prior, with a surgery I had then. By the way, this surgery, was my 11th in my lifetime, so I was truly not strangers with operating rooms. Well, as I said, I arrived at the hospital. I had my wonderful , very supportive husband with me. He lost his mother, just 18 moths prior, so the reality of losing a wife was too real as well. We felt all the prayers that were lifted on our behalf, from all over the country. We have friends & family from all over. The one thing, looking back that touched me, was a special man that was there from our church. His initials are Kay B. He was there for testing that day. His test was to see how far his lung cancer has spread. He was such an inspiration to me, see prior to our talk in the hospital, I did not know he had cancer. This man was a very Godly man. Oh, did you notice "was"? Well that is because in Sept., just 3 months after a very special talk, God called him home. He left an impression on me, that was so strong. To be strong, to live for God, no matter what. I can still see his smile!! Well, it truly was a gift from God, that we got to talk before me going in. He inspired me alot. As I went in, another very special story, was unfolding. You see, I wanted so much to have God glorified. I really did. It was my goal, I needed to keep my mind off of what was happening. I thought, a wonderful way, was to play Christian music at the hospital. This was awesome. The Sunday prior, to the surgery, the Music Director at our church, announced he had his music tapes out for sale. However, the proceeds were not for him. They were to go to the World Changers of our church. World Changers are a group of youth, that travel to a predetermined city, to help people fix or paint their homes. They help out in great detail. There is more to this group, I am just telling the surface of it. Well anyway, the Holy Spirit, truly came in me & wanted me to ask for a tape, but we could not afford it that week, but, God found a way, so when the Holy Spirit talks, please listen!!! I did ask, & by the grace of God, I was able to get that tape. All of my thanks go to the heart of Randy A. & his wife Phyllis A. I was able to take that tape with me, it was a wonderful tape. I remember I was on the bed, with the operating gown on. I was waiting, knowing it was reality. Was I going to live or die? Were they going to have to remove part of my tongue? How serious is all this? Well, I saw nurses take a lady to the operating area, & all of a sudden it hit me, the panic button got turned on, & I was not the one that turned it on. Oh, c'mon, were my words, I do not want this to happen. But, for anyone who has gone thru a panic attack, they are real, & very uncontrollable!!!! I took very deep breaths, saying God YOU are bigger than this thing, get satan out of here, deep breaths, my husband turned on the tape, & All of a sudden, I literally felt the feeling of panic go a way from my body. It was so amazing, it just literally lifted. I kept on listening to the tape, kept saying God , you are more powerful, & kept the deep breathing. It was so amazing. God, deserves all the praise, honor & glory!!! I remember various other things as I waited for surgery, but the time finally came. They put me out right away. After surgery, as I was being wheeled out, my first thought, was I made it!!! I am alive!! (I had a previous surgery, that I almost did not make it, I almost died on the operating table) The second, thought, was do I still have my tongue? I remembered, the surgeon saying, that if he had to remove part of the tongue, then I would stay in. So, when I heard, "she is going to outpatient," I had tears in my eyes, & a huge relief in my heart. I remember, praising God, thanking Him, for the chance to continue being a Mommy to our 3 sons, & a wife to my husband, and a daughter, & a sister & a friend!!! Recovery was difficult, I had to teach my self how to swallow again, but for the most part, I felt God's loving hands of comfort, & healing all around. I lost 16 pounds just thru the first 2 weeks of surgery. So, I decided I was going to keep going. However I had to be careful, with what I did, as far as exercise, as the cut, is in my neck. By the way, the lump was benign, (PRAISE GOD) in order for the removal of it, muscles had to be cut, tissue had to be removed, & a part of a bone removed. Recovery, I wanted to glorify God thru this, After 2 weeks I felt good enough to go to a water aerobics class, for arthritis, & fibromalaysia patients. This, I felt would gradually strengthen my neck, as well as other parts of me!!! Here we are, 4 months after surgery, I have lost 46 pounds, down 5 sizes, I am in the advanced water aerobic class, & feel great. My neck is still recovering, but I am alive, I am here, & praise God, I am a new woman, well there is less of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you are facing a challenge, please do not ask why me? That just makes it harder to get thru. As you go thru, find ways that you glorify God thru it. How??? Well instead of complaining, just find a way, to give God the Glory for helping you thru that hour. Take it from me, it is hard, esp, when you think you are going to die. Pray for others in a worse situation than you. Take your kids to the park, do something outdoors. But, most importantly, in good or bad, please invite God into your life for all areas. Mostly, please talk about your feelings to someone. I thank my mother so deeply for listening to my concerns all thru this. We spent hours on long distance telephone calls talking about my feeling that day. This truly helped alot. It really did. I do not know if she knows how much it helped. She has gone thru lots of medical things in her life. She was my inspiration as well, for getting thru it, in a strong way. She is a true example, of someone being strong, thru adversity. So, please have someone to talk with. If you do not have anyone, please feel free to e-mail me, I want to help you thru. [email protected]