The Rest of Both Worlds Online

10 things... lists

The following articles appeared as a series of posts to the Freaks mailing list, and are reproduced here just in case anyone fancies a good chuckle. Of course, everything here is totally true...

10 things you never new about Fish and Marillion

Originally posted: 14 Dec 98

1. Fish is called Fish because he can breathe underwater, through his gills, which in Scotland are called "ghillies"

2. There are 4 letters in the word Fish, and he made four studio albums with the band. Steve Hogarth has 12 letters in his name, but so far hasn't made 12 albums with the band.

3. There are 6 letters in D.W. Dick (Fish's real name) and he spent 6 years in the band. There are 8 letters in S Hogarth so he can be expected to leave the band in, er, 1995.

4. The name Marillion comes from a Spanish legend of a woman called Maria who could change into a lion, or something. She was called Maria Il Lion. Maybe.

5. The fish solo album Internal Exile was originally written about Fish's frustration at using a computer. Unfortunately, due to his accent, when he told the record company the name, they misheard him saying "Infernal Excel" and by the time Fish found out, it was too late.

6. The same confusion happened over the song Gentleman's Excuse Me, which was orignally called "Dent in the Escape Key".

7. The name Trewavas is an old Cornish word, meaning "long curly hair", while Kelly is an Irish name meaning "Complete Slaphead by the age of 35"

8. Marillion's only hit single - "Kayleigh" - was actually written by Pete Waterman, and was supposed to be sung by Jason Donovan. The original name in the song was "Kylie".

9. Fish now lives on a bench in Paddington Station, hence the nickname Paddington Bare. Oh yeah - and someone nicked his clothes or something.

10. Nobody in Marillion has ever played their own instruments on any album. All the instruments were actually played by the two blokes out of Spandau Ballet who were in that film about the Krays and who got their kit off in the Face.

Ten more things...

Originally posted: 16 Dec 98

Ten more things you never knew about Fish & Marillion

1. Before joining Marillion, Fish worked for the Forestry Commission. This was where he met Privet Hedge, who Fish had been ordered to cut down. After chatting to the hedge for a while, Fish discovered that he was interested in working on a road crew so, instead, Fish dug him up and took him home with him. On his moped.

2. Ian Mosely had many projects before joining the band, including working with LV Beethoven on his well-known "5ymphony" album. However, after an incident down the pub where Ian spilled Ludwig's pint, the opening drum solo was cut and replaced with the now-familiar duh-duh-duh-duuuuum sequence played by the strings.

3. The phrase "widdly-widdly" is wrongly thought to be a reference to Mark Kelly=92s keyboard style. It actually refers to the fact that he gets so nervous on stage that he pees himself every gig.

4. The song Garden Party was written while Fish was still Professor of Neuroanthropology at Cambridge, and is the story of a party to celebrate him winning the Nobel Prize for Physics for inventing a beer can that wouldn't fall over. Or something.

5. Grendel is actually an early Anglo-Saxon version of the well-known film Yentl, starring that Jewish woman with the big nose that can't sing. You know, with the bad perm.

6. If you add up all the miles travelled by Marillion and Fish on their various tours, you get enough miles to get to the moon and back three times. Probably.

7. And if they had done all their travelling on British Airways, by now they would have saved up enough Air Miles for a return flight from London to Amsterdam, provided they travel on a weekday before April '99. And carry only hand-luggage.

8. When not recording or touring with Marillion, Steve Hogarth has an ice cream van in Great Yarmouth, and sells large cones with a flake for 89p.

9. And choc ices for 1.10.

10. Steve Rothery's habit of closing his eyes during guitar solos is because he has the chord sequences written on the inside of his eyelids. With a really small pen.

Yet another ten things you never knew...!

Originally posted: 17th December 98

OK - to those of you that requested more of these, here they are. To everyone else, sorry!

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1. Most people don't know that Marillion are responsible for the end of Communism in Eastern Europe. Whilst recording the Misplaced Childhood album in Berlin, Fish nicked the engineer's Volvo and went for a drive. Unfortunately, he was completely pissed, and crashed into The Wall. A bit of it fell down, and within minutes there were crowds of people pulling the rest down. At least, that's what some bloke in the pub told me.

2. In Fish's passport, his occupation is listed as "Artist". In The Artist's (i.e. Prince) passport, his occupation is listed as "fish". Maybe.

3. The first vocalist with Marillion was JRR Tolkien, but he left when he lost his voice after drinking too much elfin wine with Gandalf. Or something.

4. The first album was originally called Script for a Wrestler's Tear and was about a particularly painful hold where you put one of the bloke's legs behind his ear, and the other in an industrial mincing machine.

5. The name only got changed because the harlequin motif was preferred over some bloke in a leotard. And anyway, Aerosmith needed him back.

6. Incubus is a sort of cloud - a bit like cumulo-nimbus, but slightly fluffier. And pink.

7. Before setting up his ice cream van business, Steve Hogarth used to have a hot dog stall on the M11. In fact, the working title Sausage Genius was used for his solo album, but was changed at the last minute when an articulated lorry crashed into the stall, destroying it completely.

8. If you look really closely, you can still see the mustard stains on the tarmac where it stood.

9. Oh alright, maybe you can't.

10. Pete Trewavas is the identical twin brother of Chris Squire from Yes. Although separated at birth, the similarities are there for all to see. Except the height difference. And the fact that the only time Pete tried playing the bass standing on one leg, he fell off the stage. And the age. OK, so it's not true, but you try continually writing these 10 things you never knew lists. It's not like I've got nothing better to do, you know......

I give in - here's 10 more...

Originally posted: 18th Dec 98

Due to my mailbox creaking under the strain of people asking for more "10 things...." (or is that "10 more things...") here is another set. Enjoy, or ignore.

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1. The lyric "dancing in stilettos in the snow" refers to the occasion that gave Fish his nick-name. Because, as well as wearing stilettos, the young Derek Dick often wore Fishnet stockings.

2. Under his pseudo silk kimono

3. Fish's cover version of the Genesis track "I know what I like (in your wardrobe)" definitely doesn't refer to any cross-dressing activities of any kind, though. Or so Fish's libel solicitor told me to say.

4. Ian Mosely, on the other hand.............. is a very nice, very macho bloke and is going to break my arm if he does that any harder....

5. The song Incommunicado is about Castle Communications and is a play on words, since the whole point of a castle is that it has big stone walls, and doesn't communicate. With anyone. Especially record shops. Or radio stations. The really clever thing about the song is that Marillion were still with EMI when they wrote it.

6. The surname Jordache is a French word that means "Free copies of all the remasters to that genius that writes the '10 things...' lists" Which isn't Dirk. Well, it was worth a try!

7. The next Marillion album is planned to be a 2-hour concept album, with three tracks, called Side 1, Side 2 and Side 3. This is in the desperate hope that a small chunk of one of the sides might be editable out as a hit single. A bit like Kayleigh.

8. In the last three years, the band have made a total profit of =A3 3.50, which they spent on a packet of Rothmans and a box of matches. And haven't decided what to do with the 5p change yet. Any suggestions to [email protected] with the subject "Steve Hogarth is God"

9. Before the next "new" album, the band are recording an acoustic album. A bit like the "Unplugged" albums. Except Marillion stand a cat in hell's chance of ever getting on MTV.

10. The phrase "I saw a Magpie in a Rainbow" from Childhood's End? is a reference to the television shows Magpie and Rainbow. In fact, the inspiration for the whole of the MC album was the character Zippy. Or was it George?

10 things you never knew.... about Wes!

Originally posted: 5 Feb 99

Sorry to those of you that haven't got The Emperor Falls....

... oh and sorry to Wes in advance :-)

1. Before leaving his native Portugal, the young Ignacio Weslandez earned money by playing the guitar at local flamenco evenings, called Un Tiempo A Danser.

2.. Or should that have been Spain...?

3. The Emperor Falls are next to, and slightly smaller than, Niagara Falls. They are named after Julius Caesar, Emperor of Rome, who took a wrong turning on the way to Gaul in 32 BC and ended up in Canada, having sailed up the Mississippi....

4. Before leaving his native Holland, the young Jan Wesslij made a living selling hookers down in the Red Light District of Amsterdam. His cry was often heard ringing out "Someone for a day, someone for a day"

5. Since achieving increasing commercial recognition, Wes has been under pressure from the family of well-known hymn writer, John Wesley, to change his name. Current favourites for the new name are Robin Boult, Frank Usher and Martin Luther.

6. Before leaving his native Germany, the young Jochen Wesselenberger spent time in the Wehrmacht, but was eventually kicked out for being crap at marching. To quote his drill sergeant "you verr alvayz vun shtep behind"

7. The rumours that, as well as playing guitar on Fish's up-coming tour, Wes is going to stand in for Pete Trewavas on the next Marillion album are untrue. Presumably there has been some confusion and these are based on the fact that Wes offered to stand in for Pete as far as Mrs Trewavas was concerned...

8. This affair is now over, anyway, and Wes has Come and Gone....

9. Before leaving his native France, the young Jean de Wessellois was in fact the real President of France, and ordered the nuclear tests in the South Pacific. And you wonder why he's never toured there since....!

10. The Emperor Falls album has been banned in Japan, where it is considered treason to suggest that an emperor could possibly do something as stupid as fall over. However, the alternative title "The President Falls" was deemed to be far too sensitive in the USA, Russia, Zimbabwe, Kenya, anywere connected with the Olympic movement ........

Top Ten things you might see at a John Wesley gig....

Originally posted: 12 March 99

Author: John Wesley (Wes)

1)Early on...Sober Freaks...

2)Lucy Jordache being the absolute Goddess of Glitter....

3)Crispin Secretly Lusting after Bear.....

4)Andy Sanderson looking at his hands trying to count his "top ten Fingers...."

5)Less than Sober Freaks.....as Crispin edges closer to Bear....

6)Alan Parker saying..."I'm pissed and I can't stand up anymore...I must go...now..."

7)Stewart Every shouting, "play something you know!!!"

8)Erik extolling the virtues of Tabasco in your Tequila shot....

9)Me, Andy Ball, Stew and Erik all trying to be manly and not vomit after said Tequila and Tabasco shot.....

10)Freaks Pissed as Rats....Crispin makes his move.....Bear slams dances to NIN ignoring Crispins pleas for love....Andy Sanderson discovers his toes and moves on to compile his best ten toes...and top ten reasons NOT to go to work in the morning....Stew, Erik, Wes and Andy B wandering into the night in search of more alcohol and dogdy street food.....Crispin wandering into the night, alone...feeling the sting of Bears rejection....Bear moving from slam dancing to stumble dancing...Andy seeking the top ten ways to not "pull" and then get home!!!!!!!!!

All in all...a fantastic night....thanks for coming! WES

OK - here's "10 Stories from the Wes gig."

Originally posted: 17 March 99

1. You might assume that life as a rock'n'roll star is all about glamour. When Wes arrived at the pub before the gig, a few people asked for autographs - Wes kindly obliged, but only after he had nipped out to the shops to buy a suitable pen.

2. The record business is a wild and crazy place - as shown by the record company representative who was at the gig, who was seen using both coke and vaseline during the course of the evening.... weren't you Lucy ;-)

3. There had been various rumours as to which members of M might be turning up.When we got to the Borderline there was a rather familiar couple of chins standing to the side of the bar - both belonging to the same member of the band.... When we asked him if anyone else was coming, he did say that "Mark and Steve said they might come, but they were going to take the bus". Rock and roll, baby....

4. As Freaks were turning up, they were being introduced to the people already present.... Crispin insisted that he didn't need to give his surname, as he was the only Crispin that anyone knew. True Crispin, but you are also the only Master Bateman....... or at least that's sort of what Rob called you ..... ;-)

5. It was tempting to come up with a list of Ten People that knew the words to Wes's songs, but I can only come up with 4, and that includes Wes. Sadly, though, it doesn't include the backing singer, who had to rely on the lyrics taped on the floor of the stage.....

6. In terms of set lists, Wes had them written in a nice little notebook sitting on the table next to him. The stage was sufficiently small that this was easily in reach of the front row. So, while Wes had his eyes closed one time, the book was removed, for a sneaky look at the set list. Unfortunately, Wes's handwriting is so crap that nobody was any the wiser.

7. However, we did put the book back before Wes opened his eyes again. Lucky, because otherwise the singer and the guitarist might have got confused over which song came next.......!?

8. On several occasions during the gig, Wes started his sentences with "10 things...." or "Top ten things....." - I think he was under the mistaken impression that this was funny. Let's see if he can come up with "10 ways to survive a drive-by shooting", the plagiarising bastard.......

9. Towards the end of the gig, there were a few calls for Grendel. Fortunately, someone told Rothers to shut up, and these ceased from this point onwards. Strangely enough, the requests for the Adagio from Mahler's Fifth Symphony did carry on - you can't take that Mark Daghorn anywhere.........

10. The only low point of the evening was when 3,427 Quakers turned up brandishing their Wes Sav-a-pound vouchers, which they claimed had been cross-posted to their e-mail list. They were desperately keen to hear Mr Wesley preaching, as they had a lot of respect for the Methodists, but had assumed he had died many years ago.....

If you haven't bought "The Emperor Falls" - go buy it. Now.

10 Things You Never Knew about Lucy Jordache

Originally posted: 23 March 99

1. When Lucy was just a little girl, she was fascinated by the Wombles. These big furry animals used to collect all sorts of old rubbish, and work with it to produce something new. It was this childhood obsession with recycling that was, many years later, to give birth to the Marillion remasters project.

2. Now that the Marillion project has finished, Lucy has decided to go to university and get a (re)masters degree. OK - so she hasn't, and it was just a crap joke. Sorry!

3. Lucy was tempted to remaster the Freaks digests, complete with accompanying notes from the main players (Fishhawk, Andy W, Rob C, Bruno etc.) Unfortunately, nobody was going to be even vaguely interested in this project, and Jeroen had lost all the old posts, so it got canned.

4. Another aborted project was to remaster the actual contributors to the Freaks list, to improve the quality of the posts.... "if we can get a 12 year old cassette from a biscuit tin to sound that good, then maybe we can even get some sense out of Crispin Bateman..."

5. With the word "master" coming up so often in connection with Lucy, one might be tempted to think that she was into S&M, bondage & domination, and other forms of "master and servant" situations. This is however, totally untrue.

6. Even if you offer her money.

7. Lucy is desperately hoping that nobody notices the printing mistake in the booklet of the CaS remaster...... And is going to be furious if anyone mentions it on the list.

8. Oops - sorry.

9. When demonstrating the success of the final remasters project, and in particular the new enhanced CDs, to a senior EMI person from America, Lucy was foolish enough to pick a response form at random. The form she opened......was from a certain Andy Sanderson. In the "How did you hear about this CD" field, it said "From some bird called Lucy Jordache down the pub before the John Wesley gig"......

10. Now that she is unemployed, Lucy has resorted to the only form of revenue generation she could think of (with the exception of number 6 above). Since she is now in possession of the addresses of all the people that bought the final remasters and applied for an access code, Lucy has gone into partnership with Rob Crossland on the "post some shit to a Freak you don't like" service....

10 Excuses for not stocking Raingods

Originally posted: 29 April 99

There's actually twenty, but I still had to call it 10 for tradition's sake.

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1. Fish? Er, sorry, the cat ate it.

2. Fish? What do you think we are? A record shop?

3. Fish? Isn't he dead?

4. Zippos? Have you tried the tobacconist?

5. No sorry, we heard it had the word "minge" on it.

6. Fish? Have you tried under Marillion?

7. Fish? Have you tried in the Reduced to Clear bin?

8. Er, someone call the police. This bloke could be dangerous.

9. Fish? Isn't that the guy singing backing vocals for Lis Antwi?

10. Fuck off out of my shop and stop wasting my time.

11. Raingods, with "Zippos by Fish" ? Never heard of it mate. Good band them Raingods though, I hear.

12. Are you sure it wouldn't be slightly less embarrassing if you bought a packet of small condoms, a box of extra large tampons, some haemmorhoid cream and the Best of the Smurfs?

13. Fish? No, we never sold our copy of his last album, "Sunrise on the Odeon", or whatever.

14. Fish? God I remember him. Wasn't he on Rainbow? Oh no, that was Zippy.

15. Fish? That's funny - I've got a daughter called Kayleigh. Don't go telling the missus that, though. What, he's still recording is he? I thought they'd got some new bloke.

16. Er, have you looked in the Comedy section?

17. Fish..... here we go..... Roadrunner Records....... "Mee meep!" God I used to love that cartoon - don't see it these days so much do you? Just like Wacky Races. Er, sorry, no - we'd have to order it.

18. Fish? Nah - how about the new single by some talentless shithead that gets to number one just because she's got bit tits and used to be in Eastenders?

19. Hawoop hawoop hawoop. Sad git alert. Sad git alert. Hawoop hawoop hawoop.

20. Fish - yes, we've got loads of them over there in that display rack, and the album just charted. I actually saw him in concert a couple of years ago.....

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Of course, number 20 is only likely to be heard in Holland or Germany.

10 Things you Never Knew About .com

Originally posted: 25 Oct 99

1. marillion.com was of course *originally* the address of Jeroen Schipper's web site, and the album is actually the story of h's unrequited love for Jeroen.

2. A Legacy refers to the fact that in 1985, whilst very drunk and rather stoned, Fish wrote a will, leaving all his earthly possessions to Ian Mosely. Recently the band found that under Spittalrig Farm there is a huge oil field, worth millions, and rather than try to buy the property on the open market, they enlisted the help of their old friend John Wesley to poison Fish so that Ian would get his "Legacy". So far, Wes has only managed to give Fish the flu a few times, but hopes to do better when he gets Fish in the US for Wes's "wedding".

3. Interior Lulu refers to the time that h and the boys re-enacted a well-known sci-fi film and had themselves shrunk, with a tiny submarine and spent three weeks travelling around the body of Eurovision song contest singer Lulu.

4. If Pete Trewavas had been successful with his suggestions for the trip, the song may well have been called Interior Dana International.

5. In a pathetic attempt at publicity, the band wrote a series of songs named after airlines. "United" (a duet with Kate Bush), "British Airways", and "Lufthansa" all came and went before the band eventually ended up with "Go!". The album was very nearly called go-fly.com, but the sponsorship deal fell through at the last moment.

6. Ian Mosely can still be seen wearing the free t-shirts, however.

7. The reason for the photo collage on the .com cover is that some members of the band were so sick of getting photos of naked female fans that they decided to get some other photos to cover it up. There is actually a limited edition copy of .com in the style of the Velvet Underground "banana" album, where peeling off all the faces reveals a photo of a well-known Freakess.

8. Built-In Bastard Radar is a reference to the speeding ticket that Mark Kelly received when driving quickly away from the site of an acident where he knocked some drunk off a bike near the Racket Club late one evening.

9. Rich is a song about Mark Kelly's all-time keyboard playing hero, Richard Clayderman, who sadly refused to join him on the album for a duet. He did however, send a photo for the album cover.