CADDYSHACK - Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Murray, Ted Knight and Michael O'Keefe star in this classic comedy. It's all about the days at a golf course. Dangerfield is a potential member, while Knight is a snobby judge who practically lives at the club. This hilarious movie has scene after scene of memorable moments. Murray is wonderful as the pot-smoking groundskeeper. His scene eating the candy bar can make you laugh so hard that your stomach will hurt! Dangerfield is at his comic best as well, giving off constant one-liners. O'Keefe went on to become Jackie's husband on TV's Roseanne. This is a true classic, in every sense of the word. It's childish humor at its very best!
CAGED HEAT - The original woman's prison movie! We've got fat prison guards, some lesbian action, a wicked warden, and a prison doctor who likes to "experiment" on the women. The acting is not too great. There's an unfunny standup routine. And of course, we have ample screen time of women in group showers. A fine piece of entertainment when you need to kill 80 minutes.
CALENDAR GIRLS - A girl runs away from a girls' school and hitches a ride with an underwear salesman. She spends the rest of the film telling the guy about the sexual escapades of herself and her friends from school. We see the episodes played out. Typical foreign softcore sex comedy. This contains a large amount of full frontal male and female nudity. In one scene, a woman is "riding" a man, supposedly having sex. Yet you can clearly see his flacid manhood resting between his legs, under her butt!
CANDY STRIPE NURSES - Nowadays, we have Any Sidaris films. In the 1970's, we had Roger Corman films. This one stars Candice Rialson and Robin Mattson as "Candy Stripers" - volunteer nurses at a hospital. Rialson helps a frigid rock star named Owen Boles. Mattson has an affair with a patient - a college basketball player. One other nurse somehow solves a gas station holdup. There's not much in the plot department. But do people really watch these kinds of films for plot? Hell no! The three nurses all get naked, which is essential to a plotline like this. All in all, a pretty decent flick.
CANNIBAL WOMEN IN THE AVOCADO JUNGLE OF DEATH - Shannon Tweed stars in this adventure. She plays a college professor, sent by the government into the California avocado jungle. She's sent to find the piranha women - a group of jungle women who eat men. She takes a student with her, along with a guide (Bill Maher). Despite the campy title, this is a very funny movie! The performances are top notch. And despite the fact that Tweed is a former Playboy playmate of the year, she looks every bit like a college professor! Adrienne Barbeau plays the leader of the piranha women.
CAPTAIN KRONOS VAMPIRE HUNTER - For those of you who like swordfighting vampire hunting movies, this is the best of them. "Captain" (of what, I have no idea) Kronos wanders the countryside with his hunchback sidekick Grost, hunting vampires. Well, there's really only one vampire that he's hunting in this film. Along the way, they pick up the lovely Caroline Munroe. She'd been put in a stock as punishment for dancing on a Sunday. Eventually they're able to track him down by using a bunch of dead toads. Yes, I said dead toads. This is a very original story about the vampire myth. Look for John Hollis (EMPIRE STRIKES BACK's Lobot) in a small role as the barkeeper. This is one of the later British Hammer movies.
THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE - This is a Disney film starring Ken Berry. An outer space cat lands on Earth in a spaceship. He needs to get some gold to fix his ship and make it work again. The cat (known as Jake) gets Berry to help him. Jake has the power to "talk" with people. He also wears a collar which allows him to do almost anything. Will they be able to rescue his ship from the government soldiers who have taken it? Watch and see! Pretty decent movie, which can be enjoyed by people of all ages. Sandy Duncan, Roddy McDowall and Harry Morgan costar.
CHARLOTTE'S WEB - Based on the children's story, this cartoon features a pig named Wilbur. Wilbur lives on a farm and worries that he's going to become ham and bacon. He befriends a spider named Charlotte. Charlotte spins words of praise for Wilbur into her web. Soon Wilbur becomes a celebrity, and is ultimately saved from slaughter. This is a wonderful film, not just for kids. There's several musical numbers as well. This film also touches on death, and the loss of friends. Debbie Reynolds plays the voice of Charlotte. "Flippity ippity jibbit!"
CHEECH & CHONG'S NEXT MOVIE - This is Cheech and Chong's second feature film. There's no plot whatsoever. Instead, we just see a few days in the lives of the doped-up duo. Cheech plays dual roles as himself, and his cousin Red. Cheech drinks pee, while Chong smokes a cockroach and pees on his neighbor's head. This film is hilarious. Our two stars are gross and disgusting. They keep beer in their fishtank (along with some dead fish). They also keep T-shirts in the refrigerator. The toilet is beyond description. Pee Wee Herman costars in a small role. "You smell like pee."
THE CHEERLEADERS - This is an early 1970's sex film. A shy virgin high school girl wants to become a cheerleader. She also want to get laid! Before long, all her wishes come true. As part of her hazing ritual, she has to shower in the boys' locker room. Of course, all the boys show up. This film features a ton of nudity! Cheerleader/voyeur fans will not be disappointed. Most of the girls are quite attractive as well.
CHEERLEADER CAMP - Betsy Russell stars as a cheerleader. She and the rest of her group (including Leif Garrett) are off to a cheerleading academy to participate in a competition. Russell has all sorts of bad dreams. Before long, someone starts killing people. Could it be some of the odd handymen? Could it be George "Buck" Flower? Could it be Russell herself? Watch this film and find out! If anything, a few nude scenes scattered throughout should keep you interested. This strange film also has a dancing mascot competition. And for my money, the alligator clearly beat the chicken!
CHILD'S PLAY (1984) - No, this is not the "Chucky" film, but an episode of one of the Hammer TV series. A middle class family wakes up one morning and finds that their entire home has been completely surrounded by an iron wall. They spend the rest of the film trying to find a way out. Near the end, a green goo starts to come down the chimney and bubble around. Short film, but quite absorbing. You'll find that you can't turn it off until you find out what happens at the end. Mary Crosby plays the mother.
CHILLERS - This horror film features five stories. Five people at a bus terminal tell each other about their recent nightmares. In the first story, a woman meets a guy in a swimming pool, who had died years earlier. The second story features three kids camping in the woods with their counselor. The third story has a woman meeting a news anchor who happens to be a vampire. The fourth story has a guy who can bring people back from the dead. The final story has a college teacher who confronts a student who's been possessed by an ancient spirit. This is a low budget film which is actually very well done! The stories are both creepy, and laced with humor. Don't miss the final "bus from hell" ending. Watch the ending credits for a really cool (but campy) theme song!
CHRISTINE - John Carpenter directed this film based on a Stephen King novel. Nerdy Arnie buys Christine, a 1958 Plymouth Fury. Christine has a history in which people tend to die in and around her. Pretty soon, Arnie becomes obsessed with the evil car, and even becomes slightly possessed by it. Christine then goes out on its own and kills the people who have given Arnie a hard time. Good flick, with a pulsating soundtrack, typical of Carpenter's films. Look for a young Kelly Preston in the small role of Roseanne, a highschool student.
CINDERELLA (1950) - This is the Disney classic version of the Cinderella story. Cinderella lives with her wicked stepmother and two stepsisters. They all treat her like crap. Her only friendly companions are the birds and mice she befriends. Her fairy godmother shows up and helps her attend the royal ball. While there, she meets the prince and leaves her glass slipper. Good story and good music highlight this very entertaining animated classic. The mice are cool too. They all have very squeaky voices! "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo."
CINDERELLA (1977) - This is an R-rated version of the Cinderella story, starring Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith. The plot is unchanged, with a few exceptions. For one, there is an incredible amount of nudity - both male and female. Also, besides the glass slipper, Cinderella is given a "snapper" from her fairy godmother. Let's just say that when she has sex with the prince, her vagina makes a snapping sound - which greatly pleasures him! This bawdy comedy also features several grand musical numbers. There's lots of sex and lesbianism too. Why doesn't Hollywood make films like this anymore? In a stroke of casting genius, Cinderella's fairy godmother is played by a black man!
CLERKS - A wonderful film from director Kevin Smith. We follow the exploits of a guy working in a conveniance store, on what was supposed to be his day off. His slacker friend, who runs the video store next door, joins him throughout the day. Cigarettes are sold to a young girl. The store is closed for a hockey game. And a guy dies in the bathroom - and has post-mortem sex! Wonderful dialogue, including an interesting discussion about RETURN OF THE JEDI. Shot in black and white.
CLOAK & DAGGER - E.T.'s Henry Thomas plays David Osborne, a boy obsessed with the "Cloak & Dagger" home video game. As luck would have it, he witnesses a murder. The dying man hands him (of all things) a Cloak & Dagger video game. This particular cartridge has some secret government information stored on it that some spies are after. Dabney Coleman plays dual roles as David's father and his imaginary friend - Cloak & Dagger's Jack Flack. The real life adventure turns surprisingly violent. Slightly goofy, but decent family fare.
CLUELESS - The beautiful Alicia Silverstone stars as Cher, a sterotypical 1990's teen. There are some truly funny moments as we watch Cher struggle with guys, wardrobe, her driving test, and her announcement of being "hymenly-challenged." A harmless, fairly tame look at teenagers brought to you by the same director as FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH. And man, oh man does Alicia Silverstone look good in those very short miniskirts!
COBB - Tommy Lee Jones stars in this true story as baseball legend Ty Cobb. Near the end of his life, Cobb hires famed sportswriter Al Stump (Robert Wuhl) to write his life story. What "Stumpy" discovers is that Cobb is a mean, violent, racist, sadistic bastard. Cobb wants the story told his way, while Stump wants to tell the truth. This is a great movie, which is both compelling and funny. Cobb has no problem trying to drive through an impassable blizzard in order to get himself a woman. As the film progresses, Cobb gets sicker and sicker, yet continues to fight it all the way. Cobb may have been misunderstood, but he made no apologies or denials about who he was. "The desire for glory is not a sin."
COCOON - "We won't get any older, and we won't ever die." Nice 1980's sci-fi flick about a group of elderly people who begin to be revitalized after swimming in a pool filled with alien "lifeforce." This film covers all emotions - it's funny, sad, moving, and very entertaining. And let's not forget that Tahnee Welch shows her butt! Mama's got nothin' on her daughter! Hubba hubba.
COLOR ME BLOOD RED - This is a Herschell Gordon Lewis flick. A painter decides to cover his canvases with blood. After realizing that he'll never have enough blood from his own body to use, he starts killing others for it. (Naturally) His paintings become a critical success. Yet for some reason, he chooses not to sell any of them. Typical Lewis film, which features lots of blood, dreadful acting, and God-awful, horrible, cheesy music! Check out the water bicycles. They use them in only two feet of water!
THE COLOR OF MONEY - Paul Newman stars as "fast" Eddie Felson, in this, the sequel to THE HUSTLER. Seeing the potential in pool player Tom Cruise, Newman takes him on the road. Along the way, he teaches him how to hustle. Newman then gets the urge to start playing pool again. Interesting drama which lets us see the ins and outs of the pool world. Cruise is perfect as the cocky young pool wizard. The funniest moments come when Cruise gets back at fellow pool player Grady Seasons. "I'm back."
COME PLAY WITH ME - This is a foreign sex film. A woman lives with her two nieces. Her two nieces go out and have sex with just about everyone they come in contact with - a woodsman, farmhands, each other. They actually might even be sisters too! Not to be outdone, their aunt has sex with everyone too - including some of the same people. All three of these women, as well as their maid have a tendency to spread their legs very wide for the camera. This film has some of the most graphic scenes of female genitalia. There's also a lot of masturbation, as well as some full frontal nude males. Let's face it - this film is nonstop sex and nudity. It's virtually plotless. A real winner for fans of the genre. There's even a theme song!
COMING TO AMERICA - Eddie Murphy stars as Akeem, the prince of a foreign country. Unhappy with his upcoming arranged marriage, he comes to America to find his own bride. Along with him, is his faithful servant, Arsenio Hall. They find jobs in a fast food restaurant, where Akeem falls for the owner's daughter. Murphy and Hall actually play several roles each, in this funny movie. Murphy is especially good as the naive prince, trying to adjust to the American way. James Earl Jones plays Akeem's father. Look for a young Cuba Gooding Jr. getting a haircut in a barber shop!
THE CONCORDE - AIRPORT '79 - This is the fourth and final AIRPORT disaster film. For some reason, terrorists want to stop the concorde. The terrorists try to stop it by blocking it with a hot air balloon, and firing missiles at it. George Kennedy plays the pilot. On three separate flights, the plane is threatend. Between flights, Kennedy hangs out with hookers. The plot is ridiculous. Kennedy flies the concorde as if it's an Airforce fighter - even doing flips with it! Martha Raye and Charo appear as passengers. "The bathroom broke."
CRAZE - Jack Palance stars as a rare art dealer, living in England. He worships a statue in his basement. The statue is some sort of ancient God named Chuku. Chuku requires some human sacrifices from time to time. Palance does his part to keep Chuku happy. As the body count rises, so do the suspicions of a local cop. Odd little film, which is quite entertaining! Palance is great as a soft speaking, but forceful nut. And man, does he get protective of Chuku when his partner takes an axe to it! Diana Dors plays a small role as an ex-girlfriend of Palance.
CREEPSHOW - Cool horror film with five stories, taken from the Creepshow comic book. (I still have mine, bought many years ago!) Story #1 involves an old, bitter, murdered corpse, dead set on getting his Father's Day cake. I generally prefer human heads on my cake too! Story #2 stars Stephen King as Jordy Verrill, a hick who finds a meteor, then turns into a weed. Story #3 stars Ted Danson (with a full set of hair) as a guy who gets buried up to his neck, on the beach. Leslie Nielsen is the jealous husband who puts him there. Story #4 involves a monster in a crate. "Just tell it to call you Billie." Story #5 stars E.G. Marshall as Upston Pratt, a wealthy executive with a black heart, and a hatred for cockroaches. "What's the matter Mr. Pratt? Bugs got yer tongue?" Cool camerawork and colorful graphics give this movie that comic book feel.
CRIMINALLY INSANE - Priscilla Alden stars as Ethel, a 300-pound psycho, just released from a mental hospital. She moves in with her grandmother. When her grandmother locks up the food, Ethel goes nuts and kills her - repeatedly stabbing her hand, after her death. "I want that key. I want that key." She stores grandma upstairs.Then her very ugly, prostitute sister comes to stay. Then her pimp shows up and stays too. What a man this guy is - "Baby, I'll be honest with you. You need a good beating from time to time. All women do - especially you." How does Ethel's sister react to this comment? Does she slap him? Hell no! She gets all frisky and decides to have sex with him. Wasn't the 1970's the decade for women's lib? Anyway, grandma starts to smell. Then Ethel has to kill some more pople. Then she runs out of food. What will she do to sustain her mighty girth? Watch and see! This is enjoyable, campy fun, running only 59 minutes. But be warned - if you watch it alone, it's a very long 59 minutes.
CUJO - Dee Wallace has marital problems. While her husband's away on a business trip, she takes her car to a guy's home to get it fixed. What she doesn't know is that the guy's been killed by his rabid dog - a huge St. Bernard named Cujo. As luck would have it, her car stalls, leaving her and her son Tad trapped inside, while Cujo prowls around outside. Cujo is a mess. He's bloody, dirty, and foaming at the mouth. This is a surprisingly entertaining movie, considering a big chunk of it takes place in a stalled car. Based on a Stephen King novel.
THE DARK CRYSTAL - Jim Henson and Frank Oz co-directed this 1982 film, which features no cast, only muppet-like puppets. Jen is a Galfling. His race was virtually eliminated 1000 years ago when this giant crystal cracked. When it cracked, it also created two races - the evil vulture-like Skeksis and the kind Mystics. The Skeksis killed all the Galflings because the prophecy said that a Galfling would defeat them during the "great conjunction." If there's one thing I've learned from movies, it's that prophecies are ALWAYS fulfilled. Watch the film to see how Jen does it. Wonderful adventure for all ages. This film is funny and exciting.
THE DAY AFTER - This made for TV film shows the events of a U.S. - Russian nuclear war. Tensions are high overseas, and before you know it, both the U.S. and Russians launch nuclear weapons at one another. Millions are vaporized. Millions more suffer afterward. This film showcases people in the Kansas City area. The aftermath shows everyone suffering radiation poisoning from the nuclear fallout. Jason Robards, Steve Guttenberg and JoBeth Williams star. Powerful film, which scared the nation when it was originally broadcast.
DEADLINE - Horror story and screenwriter Steven Lessy is pressured to finish a new story. Meanwhile, his marriage is falling apart. As he's writing, some of the scenes are shown to us. These scenes actually have some really good gore, Later on, his two boys act out a scene from one of his movies, and accidentally kill their sister. Then Steven invites a bunch of whores over. They end up doing cocaine and trashing his house. Decent horror flim, with nudity and gore, which could practically be a drama, if not for the scenes portrayed from Steven's stories.
DEADLY FRIEND - Albert from Little House On The Prarie stars as Paul - a boy genius who comes to town on a scholarship to attend (and teach) at some prestigious medical college. Kristy Swanson plays his adorable neighbor Sam. Unfortunately, Sam's dad isn't so nice. He abuses her and knocks her down the stairs. The fall makes Sam brain dead, and the doctors pull the plug. Paul has a plan! He had a robot named Beebee. (Who doesnt?) Beebee got blown up by Anne Ramsey. Luckily, Paul saved Beebee's brain - which he implants into Sam! As expected, Sam is revived. However, she's somewhat robot-like. Sam eventually kills her father and decapitates Anne Ramsey with a basketball!! (A first in cinematic history) The cops catch up with Sam and kill her. But Paul still isn't satisfied. He tries once more to revive her. But... Sam didn't need his help. "Come with me Paul." Kudos to Paul's friend Tom who steals some scenes with his chronic fainting spells.
DEATH AT LOVE HOUSE - Robert Wagner and Kate Jackson star in this made for TV movie from the 1970's. They move into the Hollywood home of deceased film legend, Lorna Love. Wagner's father had had an affair with Love 40 years earlier. Love's body is displayed (like Lenin) on the estate. Strange things start happening. Love's ghost may be hanging around. Wagner has these bizarre dreams that he's his father, and hanging out with Love. Someone else is running around the house in a black robe. It may be this wizard that hung out with Love, named Eternal Fire. Yes, his name is Eternal Fire. Can you say corny? You'll be saying it throughout the film's 74 minutes. John Carradine has a cameo as one of Love's first directors.
DEMONS 2 - This is (more or less) an unrelated sequel to DEMONS. A demon from a movie bursts out of a TV set and attacks a girl named Sally, at her birthday party. What a spoiler that can be! Before long, demons have taken over her entire apartment building. What survivors remain are trapped in various locations. Though not as good as the original, this film is very entertaining. The demons are scary as hell. We even get to see a demon dog and a demon child. This Italian horror flick also has some great gore.
DESTROYER - A film crew is shooting a woman's prison flick in an abandoned prison. 18 months earlier, a violent riot broke out at the prison, after the execution of serial killer Ivan Moser (Lyle Alzado). After the riot, no trace of Moser's body was ever found. As the film is being shot, people start to disappear. Moser is still alive and is adding to his kill count. This film is decent. It knows not to take itself too seriously, and is played up for laughs. Anthony Perkins is great as the frustrated film director. He gets fried in the electric chair. "Cecil fucking B. DeMille!" Look for a nice "mock" shower scene. Deborah Foreman costars.
DINOSAURUS - While setting off explosives offshore from a tropical island, a group of men unearth two dinosaurs and a caveman that had been frozen under the water. Defying all logic, all three come to life. The caveman turns out to be a nice caveman. The T. rex is not so friendly. This early 1960's monster movie is extremely far fetched. But it is entertaining. There's also a bad guy on the island named Mike Hacker. He wants to sell the caveman. He also treats his stepson Julio very poorly. Typical schlock, but worth a look for a few laughs.
DOCTOR BUTCHER - Body parts begin disappearing from a New York City hospital. Car accident victims are being cannibalized, while still on the streets! Obviously, these strange occurrences can be traced to the South American island of Keto. A group of people head down to the jungle. Most of them are attacked and eaten by cannibals.Some goofy doctor there is "experimenting" on humans. He's transplanting brains from live people into dead ones. Why? I have no clue. What does this have to do with the events in New York City? It's never explained. But no matter, this film boasts some awesome gore scenes, including an outboard motor in the face scene, and a finger in the eye scene. Gruesome flick! One final question though - who the hell is Snuff Maximus???
DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK - Kim Darby stars in this made for TV horror film. She and her husband inherit a mansion. She finds a fireplace that is locked up with several layers of bricks. After she removes the bricks, she unknowingly releases a bunch of small demons. The demons run around chanting her name and want to capture her and make her one of their own. Though very short in duration, this is one creepy flick! The demons are scary, based on the fact that they look sort of non-threatening. Yet we know that they're not! My Three Son's Uncle Charlie plays the caretaker of the mansion.
DRACULA (1931) - Bela Lugosi stars in this original horror classic. It's a little campy by today's standards, but it's a pure delight to see and hear Lugosi speak about "The children of the night." The guy who plays Renfield, Dracula's bug-eating, maniacly laughing sidekick, is perfectly insane! "I never drink... wine."
DRAGNET (1987) - This is a comedic remake of the TV series. Dan Aykroyd plays detective Joe Friday, nephew of Joe Friday from the original show. Tom Hanks plays his partner, Pep Streebeck. A cult knows as the P.A.G.A.N.'s have been causing crimes all over L.A. The detectives find out that their leader is a famous televangelist. Plenty of potholes abound, but a very funny movie. Dabney Coleman plays a Hugh Hefner-type named Jerry Caesar. Harry Morgan reprises his role as Captain Bill Gannon. Be sure not to miss the last scene, in which we find out the fate of the virgin - Connie Swail.
THE DREAM TEAM - Michael Keaton, Christopher Lloyd, Peter Boyle and Stephen Furst play mental patients. While on a trip to see a Yankee game, their doctor is attacked and hospitalized, leaving the four of them stranded in New York City. Soon they're wanted for questioning in a murder! The film is a bit too long, but has several funny scenes. Boyle thinks he's Christ, and Lloyd's deadpan delivery is hilarious. Don't miss the scene in the apartment when they meet Ed. Lorraine Bracco costars as Keaton's ex-girlfriend. "We're the Doe brothers."
DRILLER KILLER - This dreadful yawner is about a struggling New York artist who (out of the blue) decides to kill people with an electric drill. He uses a charge pack (which he saw on a TV ad for $19.95) to kill people on the streets. Why he's doing this is a mystery. Perhaps he's angry at his new neighbors in his apartment building - a rock group who happens to be the worst sounding band you've ever heard! Luckily there are a few gore scenes, as well as some nudity. But it's not enough. Avoid at all costs!
DUKES OF HAZZARD: HAZZARD IN HOLLYWOOD - This is the second reunion movie starring the TV series cast. And man, some of them are looking pretty old! The gang heads to Hollywood to raise money for a Hazzard hospital. They plan to sell recordings of all the country artists who've played in Hazzard over the years. Daisy gets a job as a stuntwoman. Bo and Luke get mixed up with Hispanic gangsters and Russian mobsters. You can't help but love the original TV series, but this film is pretty bad. Still, it does manage to come up with a few genuine laughs, related to the Dukes? naivete to the L.A. lifestyle. Several country stars have cameos.
DUNE - Visually stunning, intellectual bore. Two warring parties vie for the planet of Dune, home of a valuable spice. This is an adaptation of a Frank Herbert's epic novel. I believe the only way you can appreciate this film, is if you've already read the book. However, most of the people who read the book, didn't like this film either. Maybe the book could fully explain what's going on in this film. Things seem to happen without any explanation. Kyle MacLachlan stars, along with Patrick Stewart and Sting. There's also some giant worms. After about an hour, it gets a little more interesting - but not much.
DYING ROOM ONLY - Dabney Coleman and Cloris Leachman star as a married couple, traveling through the desert. They stop at a small cafe. When Leachman comes out from the bathroom, she finds that her husband has disappeared. The cafe owner and his friend are no help whatsoever. Leachman calls the police, then searches for her husband with the cop. Eerie flick, with several odd charcters. This made for TV flick is very well done, spooky, and entertaining. Ned Beatty costars.
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