GIMME AN F - Will hunky, cheerleading teacher Tom Hamilton be able to turn the beginner cheerleading team into winners? Will he be able to thwart the evil schemes of Beaverview Cheerleading Academy's headmaster Bucky (Dr. Spirit)? And will he be able to perform a "Flashdance-like" gymnastics routine in the "privacy" of the boys' showerroom? All these answers and more can be found in this 1980's teenage horny movie. Is there really a highschool out there named Fudge High?
GIMME SHELTER - This is a musical documentary covering the Rolling Stones U.S tour of 1969. It builds up to their fateful free concert at Altamont, where a fan was stabbed to death by a member of the Hell Angels. A couple of the live performances are a bit flat. But the entire film is fascinating. During the many scuffles, Mick Jagger pleads with everyone to "just cool it." Tina Turner is briefly seen in a sexually electrifying performance, as an opening act. And God all mighty, he may be talented, but Keith Richards is one of the ugliest musicians you'll ever see!
GIRLS OF MALIBU - This is not really a movie, but a documentary of sorts, showing several young women of Malibu. Most of them are wannabe models and actresses. They each tell their stories, then disrobe for the camera. One of them even rides a motorcycle topless. If nudity and girl watching are what you want, then this film provides the goodies. Only one of the featured women (Gail Harris) have I ever seen in any other real films. I guess this tape wasn't a stepping stone for the rest of them!
GOOD TIMES - This is a 1967 musical comedy starring Sonny and Cher. A movie producer wants to star the duo in a feature film. Sonny fantasizes about being an old west sheriff, a jungle man, and a private investigator. Along the way, they sing some mostly unforgettable songs. However, there is a slow version, as well as a muzak version of "I Got You Babe." This film is rarely seen, with good reason. Though it is interesting to see the pair near the height of their fame.
THE GOONIES - A group of kids get together for one last "Goonie" adventure. Some local bad guys are foreclosing on all of the properties, and are kicking everyone out. They find a treasure map and head out in search of the lost treasure of 17th century pirate, one-eyed Willy. They also get chased by a family of criminals - the Fratelli's. This is a film strictly for children. The kids in this film are very annoying, especially the appropriately named, Chunk. You'll want to strangle him. Truly preposterous Indiana Jones wannabe, but ast stated above, children will love it. Cyndi Lauper sings the theme song.
GO WEST - This is a Marx brothers film from 1940. The setting is in the old west, in 1870. Chico and Harpo have obtained a deed, which a railroad company will pay big bucks for. There's a bunch of bad guys who are trying to get the deed and sell it themselves. What follows is typical Marx brothers antics. Groucho even drives a train off the track, around a farm, and back onto the track again. Decent film, but we could have done without all of the musical numbers.
GRADUATION DAY - A highschool track star dies from a blood clot. Soon after, someone starts killing members of the their team. Could it be their jerk of a coach, Christopher George? One guy gets decapitated. Another one gets impaled on spikes, after polevaulting. Typical slasher film. Look for Vanna White, in a small role as Doris, a classmate.
THE GREAT MUPPET CAPER - This is the second Muppet movie. This time, Kermit and Fozzie play twins, working as reporters for a newspaper. When a famous necklace is stolen from the neck of Lady Holiday, they decide to solve the mystery themselves. Charles Grodin plays Lady Holiday's brother Nick, the true thief of the necklace. He's also obsessed with Miss Piggy! Grodin is planning on stealing his sister's most prize possession - the baseball diamond. Miss Piggy even gets framed for theft of the necklace. Typical Muppet movie, with lots of laughs and good music. Peter Ustinov has a cameo. Two questions though - what the hell is Gonzo, and why is he so obsessed with death?
THE GRUESOME TWOSOME - Herschell Gordon Lewis is at it again. The first four minutes of this beauty has two mannequin heads talking to each other. Don't ask. Mrs. Pringle runs a wig shop. She takes care of her idiot son Rodney, and constantly talks to her stuffed bobcat, Napolean. Mrs. Pringle has Rodney kill young women in order to scalp them and use them for her wigs. When the women aren't being scalped, they dance around on their beds, eating Kentucky Fried Chicken. Typical Lewis flick, featuring lots of gore and no acting. If you think this film is bad, check out the movie that's playing at the drive-in they attend. It's a very bizarre sequence featuring potato chips. Again, don't ask.
HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS - This is the sixth movie in the Halloween series. It was originally titled HALLOWEEN 666. But some nuts complained that the "666" was satanic. Duh! So it was changed. Anyway, the plot is as follows - Michael returns and slaughters a lot of people. Need I say more than that? This time, Michael's bloody rampage is supposedly explained by some sort of ancient Celtic curse. But does it really matter? This is a decent flick, albeit a little silly. An awful, sick-looking Donald Pleasence costarred, in his last film role.
HAPPY SEX - This is a foreign sex comedy. Three guys escape from jail. The radio announcer warns women that the convicts may be horny. They all hang out in a boathouse and have sex with some women who keep coming by. There's also a guy whose sexual fantasy is to pretend to be dead, while his three female "mourners" get frisky with him. What a film! Nudity is in great abundance. There's also masturbation, lesbianism, group sex, and not much more!
HARD TICKET TO HAWAII - Leave it to director Andy Sidaris to turn Playboy centerfolds into drug enforcement agents. The flimsy plot revolves around some stolen diamonds. There's also some sort of contaminated snake running around killing people. In one scene, it even explodes out of a toilet! Some of the women aren't the best actresses in the world. But let's face it. They weren't hired for their acting abilities. They're here to take their tops off and play with guns. Don't miss the really cool frisbee death scene.
HEAVEN CAN WAIT - Warren Beatty starts as a pro football quarterback who dies in a car accident. However, he was taken prematurely. He wasn't supposed to die. Therefore, the angels in heaven need to send him back. Unfortunately, his body has already been cremated. So he chooses the body of a wealthy businessman who has just been poisoned by his wife. Beatty spends the rest of the film doing good deeds, wooing a woman, and trying to become a quarterback again. Good film for the most part, but ultimately leaves you with an unsatisfying feeling. Julie Christie, Dyan Cannon and Charles Grodin costar. Remake of HERE COMES MR. JORDAN.
THE HEAVENLY KID - After dying in a drag race, a leather clad teenager is sent to heaven. In order to stay there, he must return to Earth nearly 20 years later to help an awkward teen. The kid is socially unaccepted. With the help of his guardian angel, he becomes popular - and gets a swelled head. Will he realize the errors of his ways before it's too late? Decent movie, which is actually a lot better than it should have been - due to the strong performances of the lead characters. It's actually a bit moving as well, when the angel finds his former girlfriend from years earlier.
HELLRAISER - A couple named Larry and Julia move into an old family home, belonging to Larry. Larry's brother Frank was into some weird rituals and stuff when he lived there. No one's sure what happened to him. Frank had used a palm-sized cube to open up doors to other dimensions. When a little blood is spilled on the floor, it resurrects Frank. But he's a pile of slimy mushy goo. He needs more blood to completely come back. Frank has Julia (whom he'd had a torrid affair with) lure strangers back to the house. The men are then killed. Frank uses their blood to become stronger and more whole. This Clive Barker flick takes awhile to get going. But once it does, it's pretty good. This has some good slimy gore in it. And Larry's daughter Kirsty is very easy on the eyes! To date, four sequels have followed.
HERBIE RIDES AGAIN - This is the first sequel to THE LOVE BUG. A wealthy land developer named Alonzo Hawks wants to tear down the building where Herbie lives. But the woman who lives there (Helen Hayes) refuses to sell. Hawks sends his nephew to try and convince her. Before long, the nephew takes the woman's side. The rest of the film has the two sides squaring off against one another. Guess which side wins? Ok sequel, which has all the Disney family elements we've come to excpect. Two more sequels followed.
HERBIE GOES TO MONTE CARLO - Dean Jones is back, starring as Jim Douglas, in the third HERBIE movie. This time, his partner is Don Knotts. They take Herbie out of retirement, and on to France to race. Herbie falls in love with the car of a fellow race car driver. There's also some jewel thieves who stole a $6,000,000 diamond and stuffed it in Herbie's gas tank. Herbie wins the big race, saves the girl (and car) in distress, and helps nab the jewel thieves. Typical Disney fluff, but not too bad.
HERBIE GOES BANANAS - This is the fourth and final Herbie movie. Two guys have inhereited Herbie, and plan to race it. They travel with Herbie on a cruise ship. Unbeknownst to them, Herbie has picked up a seven-year-old pickpocket named Paco. Harvey Korman plays the ship's captain. He gets mad at Herbie, and throws the car overboard. They're also some bad guys who are planning on stealing Inca treasures. Good film... for anyone under the age of eight! One can't help but wonder why Disney had us sympathize with a theif! Cloris Leachman and Charles Martin Smith costar. After the four films, a short -lived TV series followed.
HILLBILLIES IN A HAUNTED HOUSE - This ridiculous film is a sequel to LAS VEGAS HILLBILLYS. Two country singers and their manager are on their way to Nashville to sing in a jamboree. When their car conveniantly stalls, they're forced to spend the night in a supposedly haunted house. The house is actually full of spies, who are after some sort of secret formula. This preposterous film has really bad acting, as well as the charatcers breaking into song every few minutes. The last 15 minutes are nothing but music! "The cat came back. The cat came back. I thought he was a goner, but the cat came back, cause he couldn't stay away."
THE HITCHER - C. Thomas Howell plays Jim Halsey, a kid from Chicago, hired to drive a car across country to San Diego. Along the way, he picks up hitchhiker Rutger Hauer. Hauer turns out to be a serial killer. Howell is able to ditch him, but Hauer goes on a killing spree. He then follows Howell and generally makes his life miserable. Several dead cops and police chases later, Hauer is finally captured. But you can't keep "The Hitcher" down! Pretty nightmarish flick is creepy and well done. Watch for Jennifer Jason Leigh's demise - being ripped apart by two semi trucks. Some decent gore and severed fingers as well. "My mom always told me never to do this."
HOLLYWOOD HIGH - Four high school girls spend their days swimming, having sex, smoking pot and driving around. One of them has a Fonzie-like boyfriend named Fenzie. Fenzie is so ridiculous, it's laughable! There is very little plot. In its place, we've got awful music, a spaghetti food fight, lots of boobs, aging film stars and a midget. Remarkably, a sequel followed a few years later.
HOLLYWOOD SHUFFLE - Robert Townsend wrote, directed and starred in this comedy. He plays Bobby Taylor, a struggling actor in Hollywood. When he's not auditioning for roles, he's imagining himself as a famous actor. He also imagines himself in various skits. Keenan Ivory Wayans also cowrote and costarred. This comedy is very funny. It pokes fun at nearly every black stereotype. The best skit involves Townsend and another guy doing a Siskel & Ebert type movie review show. "We give this film the finger!" Look for Damon Wayans in a small role. And don't miss Townsend's performance as Rambro!
THE HOLLYWOOD STRANGLER MEETS THE SKID ROW SLASHER - This film has no dialogue!!! We've got two characters here. Our main man takes pictures of women in various stages of undress. All the time, we here his thoughts about how "impure" they are, and how "they're not like my Marcia." For some reason, most of the women become frisky with him. Then our guy strangles them. We also got a women who runs a bookstore. Every night, a different stumbling drunk guy comes into her store and bothers the customers. Every night! She takes offense. After she closes the store, she follows them and kills them. As the film's title suggests, these two have to get together! When they do, they end up killing each other - a fitting tribute to this low budget mess from the early 1970's. After viewing this, you'll swear that the only businesses in Hollywood are dirty bookstores and porno theaters. One of the victims wears a KISS beach towel.
THE HOLY MOUNTAIN - This is the sequel to EL TOPO. I don't even know how to describe this one. Is there a plot here? It's difficult to tell sometimes. In the first part of the film, a nearly naked man wanders around with a handless, footless midget. Later on, he eats a statue of Jesus on the cross. Then he enters a place where he bathes with a baby hippo. Then he's told several stories - which we also get to see. Eventually, a bunch of people make it to the top of this holy mountain. Strange film, which features lots of nudity (males and females of all ages), blood, dead animals, skinned dogs (possibly goats) which are crucified, and frogs in armor. Like I said, it's a strange film.
HOT DOG: THE MOVIE - Another 1980's teenage horny movie! This one revolves around a skiing competition. A bunch of red-blooded American (men) strive to knock off the reigning champ - some obnoxious German guy with a bad accent. Former Playboy playmate of the year, Shannon Tweed takes off her clothes for a dip in the hot tub. The final scene has the whole group competing in something called Chinese downhill. Will the nasty German go down? Hmm...
HOUSE - William Katt plays author Roger Cobb. He moves into a creepy house where his aunt just hung herself. Katt has his own problems as well. His son disappeared months earlier, while staying at the house. Before long, some very weird-looking creatures begin to (literally) start crawling out of the woodwork. One creature looks like a cross between a blow-up doll and a deformed muppet, As it turns out, it's Katt's dead Vietnam buddy who's causing all the problems. Yes, he's dead. He's also hideous looking. Somewhat campy film, but quite entertaining. George Wendt plays his next door neighbor.
HOWARD THE DUCK - Not nearly as bad as it's reputed to be, but no really good either. Howard (the duck) gets zapped from his home planet and gets dropped in Cleveland. There he meets aspiring singer Lea Thompson. Tim Robbins plays a young scientist, trying to figure out how Howard got here, and how to send him home. The principal from FERRIS BEULLER'S DAY OFF gets possessed by some evil overlord. Ok effects, to go along with Howards unfunny one-liners. Reportedly, George Lucas disowned himself from any responsibilty to this box office bomb.
HOWLING II - Strange sequel to the great movie, THE HOWLING. This picks up where part one left off. Karen White is buried. Christopher Lee hangs around and warns White's brother that Karen was a werewolf. Later on, he even produces a video tape of the newscast in which Karen was shot. But the footage is totally different, including a different actress than Dee Wallace! Eventually, Lee, and two others travel to Transylvania to kill Stirba - the werewolf leader. Stirba is played by the enormous breasted Sybil Danning. The werewolves have orgies and their own rock band! Lee ends up being Stirba's long lost brother! Some of the wereolves are so powerful that silver bullets won't kill them. Instead, it takes titanium! Weird, weird sequel, which has several scenes which are very dark - probably to cover up some of the shoddy effects. Incidentally, Stirba uses some supernatural powers as well. Go figure! This bizarre entry really has little to do with the original film.
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