TALES FROM THE CRYPT - Based on the comic book series, this 1972 British film features five horror stories. The first one stars a nice-looking Joan Collins as a woman who kills her husband, then is stalked by a killer Santa Claus. The second story has a guy who leaves his family, and then unknowingly dies in a car crash. The third story stars Peter Cushing as a kind old man with a hateful neighbor. The fourth story is a variation of The Monkey's Paw. The last story is about a group of blind men who seek revenge on the cruel head of the boarding house they live in. This anthology is very good. The fourth story shows a man brought back to life, though in horrible pain due to being embalmed. The last story will make you cringe! Followed by VAULT OF HORROR.
TAKIN' IT OFF - Stripper Betty Bigones (Kitten Natividad) needs to lose three inches off of her massive chest, in order to get a TV series. She follows several ridiculous diets. She ends up having sex with a lot of people too. This film is one strip scene after another. There's a tremendous amount of nudity! Anytime women here the theme song "Takin' it off - takin' it all off" they start stripping. This is about as silly as it gets. But hey, these movies aren't made for their plots! "Hi, hi, hi, hi-ho - swamp water liquor, alligator gumbo." Followed by TAKIN' IT ALL OFF.
TAKIN' IT ALL OFF - This is the sequel to TAKIN' IT OFF. A stripper training school is about to go out of business. Enter Allison. If she can get over here fear of being naked, some rich guy will put her and the other strippers in a big show, and thus save the school. Betty Bigones (Kitten Natividad) brings in the hypnotist that helped her in the first film. Shortly thereafter, everytime the song is played "Takin' it off - takin' it all off" she strips - as does everyone else! Once again, we get lots of strip scenes and tons of nudity. Gail Harris (GIRLS OF MALIBU) plays one of the strippers. George "Buck" Flower plays Allison's father.
TANYA'S ISLAND - D.D Winters (A.K.A. Vanity) stars as Tanya. She and her boyfriend Lobo live on a deserted tropical island. While wandering around, Tanya finds a gorilla-like creature, which she names "Blue." Blue takes a liking to Tanya. Lobo then gets jealous and tries to kill Blue. Basically this movie is a love triangle between man, woman and beast. Vanity spends a good part of the film with nothing on at all. For a bried period in the mid-1980's, Vanity was a celebrity. Somehow I'd be willing to bet that she left this film off of her resume!
TEACHERS - The first time I saw this film, was the night before my first day of high school. I'm amazed that my parents got me off to school the next day. Nick Nolte stars as a burnt out teacher, in a burnt out school system, where violence and drug abuse abound. JoBeth Williams is an attorney, representing a former student who is suing the school because he got a diploma, despite the fact that he's unable to read or write. Ralph Macchio, Crispin Glover, and Laura Dern play three troubled teens. A bit silly at times (like Williams' nude romp down the school hallway) but pretty entertaining. It's ironic that the most effective teacher in the school, is a guy who is a slightly disturbed out patient from a mental institution - who isn't even supposed to be there!
TERROR ON TAPE - The late Cameron Mitchell hosts this documentary. He plays a video store owner who shows clips from several horror films to his customers. Among the films he features are: RETURN OF THE ALIEN'S DEADLY SPAWN, THE EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW, SLAYER, and SCALPS. Nice collection of clips from mostly lesser known films. This is also no holds barred, as it shows some extremely gory scenes, as well as ample amounts of nudity.
TERROR TRAIN - Jamie Lee Curtis stars in this horror film. She and her fellow college graduates are having a costume party on a moving train. Unbeknownst to them, a killer , who was the victim of a hazing incident three years earlier, has boarded as well. Dressed up in a Groucho mask, an Einstein mask, or a lizard costume, he starts killing people. Very good horror movie, which has real scares, along with a severed head. A young (and not very attractive) David Copperfield plays - what else - a magician.
TO BE TWENTY - Two girls are traveling to Rome. They move into a weird commune run by a guy named "Shining Ray." The other members babble on about "death being the true salvation." All the girls want to do is get laid. To make money, they sell encyclopedias. They use their bodies to close the deal... Later on, the police plant cocaine, in an effort to break up the commune. Typical foreign sex film, which besides nudity, has several funny one-liners. The girl named Tina has quite a mouth on her! Don't miss the girls' unique way of obtaining free items.
TO KILL A STRANGER - A female newscaster is traveling in Italy (I believe). When her car goes off the road, she's aided by a retired war hero - Donald Pleasence. When Pleasence tries to rape her, she fights back, shoots him and dumps his body down a well. Fearing that the authorities will never believe the truth, she tries to flee the country. This film starts out a bit slow. But once it gets going, it's pretty good. The ending has a great unexpected twist! Aldo Ray costars as an American detective who leads the investigation. "Even though you are married, I know you'd have no reservations about making love to me."
THE TOOLBOX MURDERS - Through a series of flashbacks, we learn that Cameron Mitchell's daughter died in a car accident. How does he cope with his tragic loss? He kills women with various items from his toolbox. (Is there really a better way to deal with the loss of a child?) Mitchell owns and operates an apartment building, and has access to several unsuspecting victims. After killing a handful of the women, he kidnaps a 15-year-old girl to "replace" his daughter. Land Of The Lost's Wesley Eure plays Mitchell's equally unhinged nephew. There are some unexpected twists in this film. This was supposedly based on a true story, which took place in California, in 1967. Yeah, right!!!
TO THE DEVIL A DAUGHTER - Due to a contract with a satanic cult, made by her mother, Nastassja Kinski is to become the devil's daughter on her 18th birthday. Kinski has been in a convent. Christopher Lee plays the bad guy. He was excommunicated from the Catholic church and became a Satanic priest. Richard Widmark plays Kinski's father. He tries to stop it all from happening. Strange, sometimes hard to follow movie. Kinski gets completley naked at the end. I believe this was the last Hammer film.
TOP GUN - Tom Cruise stars as Pete Mitchell - A.K.A. Maverick, in this 1986 box office smash. Maverick and his partner, Goose (Anthony Edwards) play two Air Force pilots sent to Top Gun School to compete for the honor of being best pilot. When Goose is killed in an accident, Maverick gets depressed, but carries on. Then he ends up in fighter combat (with Tim Robbins!) and ends up a hero. The plot is shallow, but the action sequences are very good. This is the ultimate eye candy movie - very entertaining. Tom Cruise may be nice to look at, but his singing leaves a lot to be desired. This film actually caused a lot of people to join the Air Force! "Goose ya big stud!"
TOUCHED BY LOVE - Diane Lane (in her third film) and Deborah Raffin star in this 1980 drama. Lane plays Karen, a teenager who suffers from cerebral palsy. Raffin is the patient teacher who becomes the first person to ever reach Karen. Eventually Lane becomes penpals with Elvis Presley! I think this was a true story. The ending credits give thanks to the king of rock and roll. Though I'm sure he never noticed, since he'd been dead for three years.
TOUGH GUYS - Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas star as Harry Doyle and Archie Long, two guys getting out of prison after 30 years. They had robbed a train (the gold coast flyer) 30 years earlier. Typically, they have trouble adjusting to today's world. Before long, they take up the only work they know - robbing and stealing. The gold coast flyer is about to make its final run. Harry and Archie decide to hijack it. This movie should have been a lot funnier than it was. Charles Durning costars as the cop who busted them 30 years ago, and plans to do so again. A pre-SNL Dana Carvey plays their parole officer.
TRICK OR TREAT - Skippy, from TV's Family Ties (Marc Price) plays Eddie "Ragman" Weinbauer, a teenage headbanger, obsessed with the music of Sammi Curr. Ragman starts to hear messages in Curr's music, telling him to get back at all the kids in school who have made fun of him. Ragman is fine with this, until the recently deceased Sammi Curr comes and pays him a visit. Curr is hell bent on putting away Ragman's enemies for good - violently! When Curr shows up at the school Halloween party, all hell breaks loose. Can Ragman put an end to Curr's reign of terror, before more people get killed? Real life rockers Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne appear as well. Pretty cool horror flick with several truly funny moments as well. Don't miss Ozzy's small role as a televangelist, preaching about the horrors of rock and roll! Music performed by Fastway.
TRUCK TURNER - Isaac Hayes plays the title character in this 1973 blaxploitation flick. Turner and his partner play bounty hunters. They track down criminals who have jumped bail. While tracking down a particular bad guy pimp named Gator, they end up killing him. Nichelle Nichols (a friend of Gator's, and a pimp in her own right) puts out a contract on Turner. Hayes spends the rest of the film trying to avoid being killed. This is a great film. It has lots of action and some funny moments as well. When Turner wants his woman to leave - for her own safety, he gets her arrested! And if you want to hear Nichelle Nichols (Star Trek's Uhura) use every bad word in the world, watch this film. She's got a mouth like a sailor! Scatman Crothers plays a retired ex-pimp. "They don't make pimps like they used to."
TURNER AND HOOCH - After the murder of a friend, police officer Tom Hanks inherits the guy's dog - a huge, ugly dog named Hooch. Hooch ends up trashing Hanks' home, but does help him catch the murderer. Funny movie, which except for some occasional violence, is good for kids too. Hooch's slobbering is absolutely disgusting. Mare Winningham plays Hanks' love interest. A collie plays Hooch's!
UP THE CREEK - This is a typical mid-1980's sex comedy. Four students from a college are forced by their dean (John Hillerman!) to compete against other teams in a white water rapids race! Could this ever occur in real life? Their main competition is from a bunch of snobby, preppie rich kids. Our heroes (with the exception of one) are serious dorks. Yet despite the fact that they've never done anything like this before... I think you can guess the rest. Throughout the film we get some occasional boobs and your usual crudeness. However, this film happens to be a step better than most. Not that this is more fun, but it's more legitimate. It's like a real movie! Tim Matheson, Jennifer Runyon, Stephen Furst and Dan Monahan costar.
TUT & TUTTLE - A kid named Bobby Tuttle uses a small glass pyramid and discovers that he can transport himself back and forth through time to ancient Egypt. While there, he meets King Tut. When Tut is kidnapped, it's up to Bobby and Tut's sister to rescue him. This is a decent TV movie from 1981. It's easily watched, but would probably be most enjoyed by children. Robbie Rist (Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch) and Vic Tayback costar. Ron Howard directed this film, originally entitled THROUGH THE MAGIC PYRAMIND.
TWINS - Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito play twin brothers Julius and Vincent, who were separated at birth. They were the result of a genetic experiment. Julius turned out as expected -pure and perfect. Vincent was unexpected and thrown into an orphanage. When Julius discovers he has a brother, he seeks him out. Then the two of them begin a quest to find the answers to their creation. Very funny movie, which is also moving at times. The best scenes involve Julius adjusting to life in L.A. He'd spent his entire life on a tropical island. Don't miss his reaction when he sees a Rambo poster! Kelly Preston and Chloe Webb star as Julius and Vincent's girlfriends.
USUAL SUSPECTS - Kevin Spacey stars as Verbal Kint, a con man being questioned about a bloody shoot out on a boat. Spacey weaves a tale of an organized crime spree and a mysterious boogeyman-type criminal named Keyser Soze. Spacey's Oscar winning performance as the crippled Kint is truly awesome. The group of five criminals are also sarcastically funny, especially the character of Finster - with his unrecognizable accent. Don't miss the scene of the police lineup!
V - Marc Singer stars in this two-part, made for TV movie. Several spaceships full of human-looking aliens arrive on Earth. They say they come in peace. But shortly after arriving, they gain control of all media, and impose martial law. Singer finds out that the visitors are really lizards, in human costume. They've come to steal all of the Earth's water supply and eat to eat people! Cool, fast paced thriller, which was a huge ratings smash. This was followed shortly after by V: THE FINAL BATTLE.
THE VALLEY OF GWANGI - This film takes place in the southern U.S. around 1900. A rodeo performer finds a hidden valley in the desert. Inside the valley are several prehistoric animals, including dinoasurs. Some of the rodeo people get together and capture a T. Rex. In true King Kong fashion, the dinosaur breaks out of its cage and wreaks havoc in the village. Decent monster movie, yet it surprisingly came out several years after the genre peaked. James Franciscus stars.
VAMPIRE AT MIDNIGHT - A serial murderer known as the "vampire killer" is terrorizing the city. The cop who leads the investigation gets clues that the killer may in fact be a real vampire. The killer (a bald foreign guy) slashes his victims' throats, then drinks their blood. Not until near the end of the film, do we find out whether or not the killer is a real vampire. This ok horror flick features a few nude scenes, some decent gore, and a few piano solos!
VAMPYRES - Two lesbian vampires lure men to their home, then suck their blood. They keep one guy around, long enough to suck him on a daily basis. He doesn't seem to mind at first, since he does get a lot of sex from them. Eventually he realizes that he won't be able to last much longer, and he tries to run away. This highly respected flick seems to drag on a bit. The plot is sometimes hard to follow. The opening sequence doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the movie. It also ends abruptly. This film features lots of nudity. The lesbian action is great too!
A VIEW TO A KILL - Roger Moore is back for his seventh (and final) appearance as James Bond. This time his nemesis is Christopher Walken. Walken plays a madman named Zorin, who is planning on causing a major earthquake, and flood the entire area of Silicon Valley. His partner is the ever scary Grace Jones. The finale pits the characters on top of the golden gate bridge. Walken is perfectly wicked and truly insane. Tanya Roberts is so-so as Bond's love interest. This is a nice ending for Moore, who proved himself a worthy successor to Sean Connery and George Lazenby.
Back To The Walrus Movie Homepage
A & B Review List
C & D Review List
E & F Review List
G & H Review List
I & J Review List
K & L Review List
M & N Review List
O, P, & Q Review List
R & S Review List
W, X, Y, & Z Review List
Email The Walrus