2-23-02 note

This is the site to the love of my soul | home

2-23-02 note

I just got done looking for prom dresses for you. I am so hoping this will make you like me more, but I know this only makes me like you more. It's a psychological trick. If you want someone to like you more, have them do something for you. Then, to reduce cognitive dissonance, they think they like you more than they did, so in their mind it was a good idea to lend the thing. But you can't do it that often or they will think you're a mutcher. I really hope it works the other way around too. But it doesn't look it so far. I spent the day at work with you. You have no idea how many times I wanted to tell you how beautiful you are. I have told you so many times that you don't seem to listen anymore. You used to smile, now you look away. But I would rather you know and not care, than not know and love it when I would tell you. On the paper, I saw "I love Jeff 4E". For a second I hoped it was you, but I knew it was Michelle. At times it's hard to believe how I could be so wrong to you. I remember everything I ever did wrong and I live for the day I can make up for that.

Today you started yelling at me because I wasn't doing everything right. I felt so hurt. It's like when you yell at a dog and they tuck their tail in and walk away all sad. That's how I get. I do everything I can so I don't get yelled at. I ask a million stupid questions so I don't fuck up and piss you off. But I let it go after a few moments. I used to take it out on you by not talking to you, or by not hugging you. Now I would take you yelling at me 24/hr a day if only I can have one hug in return. I think I know you better than anyone else. You don't try to mask your behavior around me. When you are mad, or anything, you let me know. So there is no gray area. I know no matter what, I will always love you. I always have. I will love you when you're ragging, or raging, When it's the best day of your life, or the worst. I have seen them all. I hope I get to see more.

I guess love is a funny thing. For so long I was comfortable with a situation, did bad things, and you loved me. Now, I will do anything for you, and there is nothing on your side. I watched you today and tried to plant ideas in your head. I tried to figure how something so beautiful and pure, is now so empty and hollow. I don't know what I did right the first time around, but I know what I did wrong. If there are no more wrongs, how can we not be so right? But love is a crazy thing. If you read this today, they will only be words. But if you read this a few months ago, it would have meaning. And that's what I am waiting for. I am going to save parts of what I feel now for a day when it has meaning. I so hope that day comes.