02-26-02 note

This is the site to the love of my soul | home

02-26-02 note

All thought out the day I seem to have conversations with you in my head. Or I go through experiences with you. Now I am typing them in, before I just kept them all secret. I realized that I've sorta done this before with other people. With a couple people I would email them what happened to me that day, what I felt, etc. Kinda like a diary. And they would respond with the same. I think I told you about that with Jennie. I showed you her picture and you thought she was really good looking. You got jealous and said you would find out about her. I am now really annoyed at how unfair things could be with you.

I don't know if I ever told you how much she started to feel for me. She knew from the beginning that I was going out with you. I would email her every night, and she would respond in the day after school. It didn't take long before she started telling me I was her best friend. Then it turned into the best friend anyone could ever have. She would ask me to meet her all the time, but I always said no. She asked for my number repeatedly, but I told her I didn't like telephones. She gave me her address and asked me to write her letters. She told me where she worked, and asked me to come by. It was hard to avoid all these things because she would ask me all the time, but I always said no. At one point, she had her whole profile devoted to me. She started telling me how much she loved me and that she thought about me everyday. I decided that she was feeling too much for me and I started to avoid her. I did that with all the people who started to feel for me. It was hard because I loved being able to email people what I thought, and them caring. But because I loved you so much, I stopped emailing her. I would go a few days without checking my emails and find that she emailed me 20 times to see if I was ok. She would beg me to forgive her for whatever she did wrong and tell me how much she cared for me. It got to the point where I told her I was moving away, then I blocked my email. After a few months, I figured she stopped feeling for me. So I tried talking to her again. And for awhile it was fine. But then she started feeling for me again, so I told her I was leaving again. This time she told me that if I get rid of AOL, she was also going to get rid of her online. I left anyway. She told me to write her any time, that her and me were one day destined to be married. I didn't mail her and deleted her address.

Am I disappointed because I never tried to see if I had feelings for her? No. Do I wish I gave her a try? No. Am I sorry I stopped talking to her? No. I love/loved you so much that there was never any need to go for anyone else. She weighted 110, was very pretty and extremely willing, but I never once wanted to be with her. What really pisses me off is that you tried to get back with Josh when you were with me. You met some kid at fucking walmart and thought about seeing how that went. You met someone at a fucking New Years party and now you have to see how your feel, again! I gave up friendships with people because they felt too much. You gave up relationships with me because you thought someone else felt anything. I guess there should never be a question of who cared more, tried more, loved more. I mention three people because that's all the people I know of. You haven't been honest with me at any point, so there might be more. There was never anyone with me. But then again "it wouldn't be fair to you to be with someone while you think you might have feelings for someone else." Shame that at no point has it been fair for me.

Now I will write what I wanted to before I thought of the above. Today on the way to school it was so nice. Every time it's nice out, I get a feeling like I want to travel. I was starting to think about how great it would be to go to Georgia with you but instead you invited someone you have known for a month. But being dicked over by you is something I'm used to. I guess I'm still pissed about the above. That's all I thought about, me and you going and seeing the town(s) and anything at all. But our two and ½ year relationship must have slipped your mind. I think I am going to look pretty ok in the summer. I just have to continue to work out hard and watch what I eat. I could come up with so many plans with you but at this point it's just a waste of time. You will be busy or whatever. Maybe this summer will turn out alright. We will be a couple again, I will go and see many places with you, but you know how I hate dreaming. It only allows you to be disappointed. I had a lot more to say but I think I am a little pissed off at your selfishness and lack of caring. I would go and talk to someone about this, but I pushed them all away for you. While you fucking "try to see how you feel" with every fucking guy that has ever looked your way. At times like these I know I am going to be the best thing you ever have and give away. But if you do give it away, that will no doubt end up hurting me more than you. The time is approaching soon.