02-26-02 note

This is the site to the love of my soul | home

02-26-02 note

I really am starting to hate dreaming. Actually, I am really starting to hate waking. The dream part is… well, only a dream. The first dream was of when you used to work at Mc'Ds. I went down to tell you that I love you, you gave me that beautiful happy smile that makes my heart melt. I don't know why I keep having these dreams. The next dream I had was you coming up my house, rapping your arms around me and telling me that you love me. I really thought it was real. When I woke, I had to ask myself if that happened last night. It crushed me when I found out it didn't, and realized it won't. This is why it's so hard to get it through my head that I'm nothing to you. Every night I see that I am something. Every night I see that I was something. And then I try to read too much into things. You called me four times yesterday. That has to mean something, of course it doesn't. I find it hard to talk to you though. I don't know what I should say, what I can't. It seems like I don't want to, but I would give anything if only to hear you breathe on the other side.

What's really bothering me right now is seeing guys around me fuck up with their women, but get them back. It's stupid, but I never beat you. I didn't do what my brother did. And I know he doesn't love her as much as I love you. I know he can't be all the things I can be. And it seems like it's that way with everyone. I know I can be the best thing for you, but that's really fading fast now. The daily heartbreak is really getting to me. I know if you ever realize anything, its going to be too late. I won't be able to know how it is to love someone like this, and be loved back. You won't know how great it can be for someone to feel like this. Then again, if we ever got back together, you would probably go with the first person you are attracted to. Maybe you will be attracted to me this time? I'm so frustrated right now and will end this on that note.