2-24-02 note and poem

This is the site to the love of my soul | home

It looks like it's time to quit. I was extremely upset last night and I said some stuff I didn't mean. I emailed you apologizing, trying to make anything right again. I was also talking to Ilona. She is the only person who cares about me anymore, but she really doesn't care. She said something I didn't agree with so I told her a lot of mean things. I also told her I'm not going to talk to her anymore. She emailed me today, telling me how much she is crying and didn't mean what she said, etc. She also said I would forgive you for anything, but I won't forgive her one mistake. I responded to that email by saying that I really think I am best for you. I got online this morning and saw you read my emails, but didn't respond. I guess I didn't expect you to call either. I hoped you would last night, but you didn't. And you didn't all night tonight. I guess I have to give up. I sent you this email last night:

Some dreams are so hard to give up on, especially when it's the only dream you ever dreamt of. But even the strongest emotion is broken down when there is a lack of love. I would give you my all, but my all is still not all that you want. I know I should quit. Everyone around you thinks I should. Everyone around me knows I should. But none of them has experienced a burning love like this. The only quality I like in myself is my ability to love someone completely and profoundly. But even the strongest emotion is broken down when there is no return. I know you wish I would leave you alone, but you too don't know the love I possess. Now it is a question of is my love what you could dream on. I know I dream on your smile and your smell, your voice and your touch. But with all dreams everyone has, no matter how beautiful, they all eventually wake up. I fear my morning is quickly approaching.

In typical fashion, I wrote something. Since it is about you, I think you should read it. It means the world to me, someday maybe it will to you too. I just hope you, like I, don't realize things too late.

Embraced by the moonlight

Everything else seems so black

Wishing by the starlight

For me to be able to shine back

Hugged by the cold air

And the loneliness of night

Reminded that nothing here

Ever seemed so right

Hopeful in the silence

That starts to hurt my ears

Watching for the moonlight

To take away my fears

Wishing to the stars

That some dreams come true

Wondering where you are

Wishing I was with you

I guess my morning came this morning. I am trying so hard now to kill that part in me. I think it's working too. It hurts so much and I want to hold back, hoping you will change, but you aren't. If you don't soon, it will be too late. I won't ever be able to feel the same things I did yesterday. I still love you completely, but I am dying inside now. The only time you will care is if you stop caring about others. You don't seem to be able to care for two people at the same that. That is very sad. Or maybe you can't seem to care about other people and me at the same time? I guess it doesn't matter because in each case you ignore the fact that I too hurt. I told you last night that "emotion" was what I was feeling…

It's over and done

but the heartache lives on inside

And who's the one you're clinging to

instead of me tonight?

And where are you now, now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean

You never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion that's taken me over

Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul

But if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

Dont you know there's nobody left in this world

to hold me tight

Dont cha know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight

I'm there at your side,

I'm part of all the things you are

But you've got a part of someone else

You've got to find your shining star

And where are you now, now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean

You never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion that's taken me over

Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul

But if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

Dont you know there's nobody left in this world

to hold me tight

Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight

And where are you now, now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean

You never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion that's taken me over

Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul

But if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

Nobody left in this world

to hold me tight

Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight

There is no one to kiss goodnight. No one to tell goodnight. Emails to you were like kisses while you are away, but now I will stop that too. I no longer talk to Ilona, so now I email Fred. He tries but he doesn't know me. The phone just rang and my heart stopped. Of course it wasn't you though. Maybe I will go to bed now, and sleep it all away. In my dreams, I am still with you. This would be so beautiful if I didn't have to wake up and be reminded that you aren't anymore. Every morning it's like I lose you all over again.